Reply to In same house but "separated"

Forum Index » Parenting -- Special Concerns

Reply to "In same house but "separated""

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]We have one DS, age 4. DH and I have separate bedrooms and do separate things when DS is asleep. We eat all meals together. On weekends, we do a family activity day: museum, zoo, climbing gym, etc. and we alternate the other weekend day. DH are somewhat physically affectionate to each other in front of DS: back oats, brief hugs. How does something like this play out long-term? So far DS hasn't asked any questions. We don't plan on getting a divorce or moving out until DS it's in his 20s or maybe not at all because we will be very old and tired by then.[/quote]

It turned out my husband has aspergers. First I thought he was just passive aggressive and had no common sense, then I thought maybe ADHD and anger issues, and finally, he got tested. No ADHd, just autism and a few comorbid issues. Now am stuck with a 5 and 7 yo and need to protect the kids- from all his accidents, lack of care, and possible rage. It sux. But yes, separate rooms, he has terrible habits so it’s better for all.[/quote]

I typed out a very long response below. I think I was triggered by something you wrote that I used to say to myself.  :lol: Anyway, this reply isn't 100% directed at you, but rather my thought and another perspective on the matter.  TL;DR - I was in your shoes at one point and staying sometimes sucks more than leaving for the majority, but it is usually the most difficult choice for YOU to make as the initiator.

[b]"It is better for all."[/b]

:hunf: How do you really know what is better? It is better for everyone to stay miserable and married for the next 16 years because of school? Suppose your child graduates, has a wonderful career, and meets their future spouse. Now future spouse has to work with disarmingthe emotionally stunted child that never observed authentic intimacy, so that child will never be an adult able to give what you sacrificed in your marriage to their children? They don't have intimacy and explode in response to it, isolating from loved ones. Intimacy isn't found in hugs and back pats. It is in the grit and the glue of a marriage and vulnerability. If you do not have it, you cannot fake it. You cannot mimick it. And it feels intrusive. Is it better to not give up 3000 square feet, and short change another generation in emotional well being, by creating what you were too afraid to walk away from? (I asked these questions of myself at one point)

Or maybe it isn't better for "everyone" when at some point, one of the repressed spouses/parents begins actively deflecting pain and stress in other, unhealthy outlets. Drinking, adultery, gambling, addiction to other negative outlets. Perhaps the spouse becomes a cheater, exposes "all" of us to sexually transmitted infections, or a resulting pregnancy. Or worse, the offending spouse becomes empowered by the inaction, and aggressive enough to throw a ball in your face, smirk at the redness, like a 10-year old child in a vindictive low shot dodge ball game, and stare down your hurt without remorse or regret. Is that really better than 50% custody? Is it better when your children watch you cower and cry, and become angry and bully the child in their class, trying to make sense of it all, until they are suspended and it hits your pockets? Until you lose every sense of self that brought you to love in the first place, is it better then? When their drawings no longer give you joy, when you look past their imaginative play and want to melt into nothingness to escape from the depression, agony, and pain.

I am sorry, love, but what is easy is not always better, and is often more painful than what is difficult. If your spouse is an alcoholic that will not treat their illness, the truth hurts but it is better to walk away, and have the judge order a breathalyzer on the car before s/he drives your child anywhere. Your children are safer, and you are saner than if you are 100% the default parent, without love, ridden with guilt. For material comforts, really. The truth really does hurt because it requires integrity - which requires growth - which is usually uncomfortable.

Sometimes "sucking it up" is being stuck in your fear, and assuming it is for everyone's benefit that you remain stagnant,  delaying the inevitable, or creating a different monster of martyrdom we should all bow to. This sounds very insensitive, but I can only speak with this authority and conviction because i have walked in its reign and conquered it. I understand the intention is good, and the selfless giving is strong, and the respect is feared. But the LOVE is not real. YOUR FEAR IS NOT greater than LOVE. Life is very empty without love, even if it is between a parent in child, or two neighbors. We were made to connect, with our free will. Why allow anything to create a barrier to your fulfillment, and your children's right to fulfillment in life, and even your spouse's fulfillment. No one is getting 100% of their desires met anyway. Everyone's capacity for love is different and that is okay. There is enough trouble in the world than to repress love and commit to a 20-year plan of waiting for death. It makes me sad thinking about it.

No, for me, I chose to face my pain directly, look it in the eye, expose the lie, and watch it's power and control over my consciousness diminish and morph into light. Thanks, mom and dad. I hope others are strong enough to get that lesson too with gratitude. It is a hard one but it certainly empowers you in remarkable ways.

I too was afraid of leaving a child in 50% of another adult's care. Then I realized - fear of a possibility was deciding for me. The possibility of difficult change worked to keep me from a higher probability of positive change. I was willing to stay with the devil I knew: tolerating the aggression, the physical intimidation, the distrust and demeaning overtures, the blatant disrespect, lies and manipulative tactics to disadvantage me, the barriers to my empowerment, growth, and happiness and the clear restrictions on areas of my personal power and control.

My spouse's smug satisfaction that seemed to come from witness to my pain kept me frozen and insecure; it affirmed all of the lies that I had chosen to believe about myself. As life went on around me, life died within me. I decided, who cares if the most dreadful thing happens? Is it really so bad? So what if he has 50%? So WHAT if it is hard? This is hard too! So WHAT if it means I could lose everything? We all are born into and depart from this world naked and without possessions. I trusted this spouse enough to build 50% of my child's DNA, and I trust that they can care for 50% of the time for the next X years.

That was really hard to come to terms with. But it was critical for a healthy, supportive exit. I took my 50% and was willing to gladly take his 50%.  I also focused on the reminder that protections were built into the "justice" system for my child, against both my spouse and me. Counselors, therapists, police, social workers, they all had the disadvantaged at heart. Ultimately, if my child's safety were truly challenged or threatened, the child would be safe, there was a vast social network through family and friends for support too. I was not completely alone. Identifying new networks for my child, though it looked different to me because i never had a model for it, it helped me that let go of fear. I offered 50/50 custody as afraid and terrified of the worst but determined to give my best 50% and more if I could. Behold, I received sole custody without asking for it. The non-custodial parent takes their child much less than 25% of the time.

[b]It wasn't staying, but rather divorcing as the best thing I did for everyone else, but it was the absolute hardest thing to do for myself. It was marital suicide, and I lost a part of myself in that process. Things got much worse before they got much better.[/b] Ultimately, divorce was the healthiest choice that promoted love in everyone's life, and made living differently more joyful. He is still as disenchanted and disillusioned as he has always been, but perhaps a stronger parent since they have to be on the job 100% of the time, and a bit more respectful of me after leaving him; the children are receiving 100% attention from each of us, I am much more fun as a mom when the tupperware containers are organized to my liking and I play whatever music I want. My children are really tuned into their emotions, and have become wonderful support systems for their friends going through crisis; They love in their own way, independently, take risks but are also wise and stable, and can identify destructive patterns, energy, coping mechanisms and establish healthy boundaries; my children have many advocates for their success, more than if we kept all of our family problems cocooned under our roof of horror. The stench of the death in that marriage made the entire structure rot. Requiring family counseling helped with changes from puberty, to dating, to death, or just having a neutral safe place for the children that respected their privacy too, in the new rearranged family structure with our living in different homes and completely divorced.

It sounds kind of tough in parts, because it is. The truth really does hurt. But it also disinfects, and heals, and allows for integrity, and strength, and truly what is best to remain without threat. I hope that every family finds the unique path that really does the greatest good for all. Sometimes new paths can open, or we can lose opportunities to acess the path because of poor decision-making, so timing is critical.

So. When you ask how does this play out long term - I would say, it depends on so much, much more than what you have shared here. But mostly, how this plays out depends on whether your children are exposed to healthy loving homes of integrity, whether one marital home or two split homes. There are many versions of a family, and we all have the free will to structure it in a way that provides the most stable foundation for children and also for us as their sole provider. Only you really know what the right answer is for you and your family. I chose to leave my spouse, and rearrange our family structure, to allow for the growth we will all need long term. The problems are different, but they are manageable and solving them becomes empowering which is a good thing. We are much better functioning now, and the pain is much less for all, just different, but bearable and we continue to grow through life with gratitude.

[b]Your experience and mileage may vary.[/b] [/quote]

Fingers crossed this works for divorcing a neglectful, high functioning autistic narcissistic.... Now diagnosed a third time via court required psych. [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics