Does the Husband backing off and giving space help

[Anonymous]

I'd trust this advice a lot more if we had more couples chiming in, saying, "Yup, our sex life was on life support, he took some stuff off my plate, and it perked right up."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men don't realize that no woman (unless something happened, cheating etc) just wakes up one day and is like "you know what, I don't feel like sex with my DH"
What happens is little by little more and more and more are added to the plate, to the relationship, to her life and she is expected and demanded to still be the sexual, active wife she was when she was 24, no kids, fewer job responsibilities, few bills, no piano lessons, or late night nursing. No carpool and conferences, no aging parents or siblings getting married. No long hours at work or a family that needed to be fed. No piles of laundry or a leak in the roof. No dog that needed to be walked or homework to be helped with. No birthday parties to plan or field trips to chaperone or papers to sign. With date nights and nights home alone to binge watch Bravo. With nights to do her nails, hair, wax. With money to spend on take out. With trips with friends and travels abroad. With a younger body and lighter spirit. With concert tickets and spa weekends.

Then you WONDER. Are just shocked that after you take away the time to herself, the date nights, the spa days, the less stressful work environment and add kids, aging parents, pets, household stuff, school stuff, work stuff that she is just NOT into sex multiple times a week. Hell, she likely isnt' into anything she was into at the same intensity she was when you first met or got married.

Have YOU changed? Do you still take her on dates or on romantic trips or do you use kids as the excuse? Do you still surprise her with flowers or candy or do you use work as an excuse?
Do you still rub her shoulders after a long day or do you know expect any touch you provide her should lead to sex for you?
Do you still smile at her across from the table during a meal or do you blame lack of time?
Do you kiss her passionately when you get home because you are happy to see her or do you say you need to decompress first?

Think about what role YOU play in all of this and realize that it took time to get to where you are in your relationship. No one fix will change anything overnight but it will overtime.

The fact that dudes experience a whole lot of this also and still want to have sex makes me think that hormones are the bigger part of the equation. That doesn't really help too many people because how many women want to inject a bunch of testosterone?

[Anonymous]

Have you gained weight? If so, start eating less and exercising more. Do you have decent looking clothes? If not, go shopping. How is your hygiene? Do you brush and floss twice a day, shower daily, wear clean clothes every day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men don't realize that no woman (unless something happened, cheating etc) just wakes up one day and is like "you know what, I don't feel like sex with my DH"
What happens is little by little more and more and more are added to the plate, to the relationship, to her life and she is expected and demanded to still be the sexual, active wife she was when she was 24, no kids, fewer job responsibilities, few bills, no piano lessons, or late night nursing. No carpool and conferences, no aging parents or siblings getting married. No long hours at work or a family that needed to be fed. No piles of laundry or a leak in the roof. No dog that needed to be walked or homework to be helped with. No birthday parties to plan or field trips to chaperone or papers to sign. With date nights and nights home alone to binge watch Bravo. With nights to do her nails, hair, wax. With money to spend on take out. With trips with friends and travels abroad. With a younger body and lighter spirit. With concert tickets and spa weekends.

Then you WONDER. Are just shocked that after you take away the time to herself, the date nights, the spa days, the less stressful work environment and add kids, aging parents, pets, household stuff, school stuff, work stuff that she is just NOT into sex multiple times a week. Hell, she likely isnt' into anything she was into at the same intensity she was when you first met or got married.

Have YOU changed? Do you still take her on dates or on romantic trips or do you use kids as the excuse? Do you still surprise her with flowers or candy or do you use work as an excuse?
Do you still rub her shoulders after a long day or do you know expect any touch you provide her should lead to sex for you?
Do you still smile at her across from the table during a meal or do you blame lack of time?
Do you kiss her passionately when you get home because you are happy to see her or do you say you need to decompress first?

Think about what role YOU play in all of this and realize that it took time to get to where you are in your relationship. No one fix will change anything overnight but it will overtime.

The fact that dudes experience a whole lot of this also and still want to have sex makes me think that hormones are the bigger part of the equation. That doesn't really help too many people because how many women want to inject a bunch of testosterone?

I think women would argue that the burden is more on them for many of the things listed. I do know men who were getting burned out at work not want sex as much, or used it only as a release and not so much a loving act with their partners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd trust this advice a lot more if we had more couples chiming in, saying, "Yup, our sex life was on life support, he took some stuff off my plate, and it perked right up."

Wife here who started out marriage/life with high libido. Slowly died down to 1x per week due to outside stressors, all already been said.
Therapy and a DH who stepped it up worked for us. I began to see him as a partner (and sexual partner) and not just another task or person demanding something from me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd trust this advice a lot more if we had more couples chiming in, saying, "Yup, our sex life was on life support, he took some stuff off my plate, and it perked right up."

Wife here who started out marriage/life with high libido. Slowly died down to 1x per week due to outside stressors, all already been said.
Therapy and a DH who stepped it up worked for us. I began to see him as a partner (and sexual partner) and not just another task or person demanding something from me.

+1

Once my DH started helping out more and treating me as a priority our sex life picked up - we are back to 3/4 times a week. I don’t think men get how built up resentment kills desire (at least my DH didn’t). FWIW I work outside of the home and have two kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd trust this advice a lot more if we had more couples chiming in, saying, "Yup, our sex life was on life support, he took some stuff off my plate, and it perked right up."

Wife here who started out marriage/life with high libido. Slowly died down to 1x per week due to outside stressors, all already been said.
Therapy and a DH who stepped it up worked for us. I began to see him as a partner (and sexual partner) and not just another task or person demanding something from me.

+1

Once my DH started helping out more and treating me as a priority our sex life picked up - we are back to 3/4 times a week. I don’t think men get how built up resentment kills desire (at least my DH didn’t). FWIW I work outside of the home and have two kids.

DP - the helping out more I get (and I feel this should be a given but it clearly is not in many marriages), but what is it that makes you feel that you're a priority?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd trust this advice a lot more if we had more couples chiming in, saying, "Yup, our sex life was on life support, he took some stuff off my plate, and it perked right up."

Wife here who started out marriage/life with high libido. Slowly died down to 1x per week due to outside stressors, all already been said.
Therapy and a DH who stepped it up worked for us. I began to see him as a partner (and sexual partner) and not just another task or person demanding something from me.

+1

Once my DH started helping out more and treating me as a priority our sex life picked up - we are back to 3/4 times a week. I don’t think men get how built up resentment kills desire (at least my DH didn’t). FWIW I work outside of the home and have two kids.

Based on some PP's, I think they get it, but not until it's too late. So you have these guys replying saying "I backed off and then she asked for sex but I didn't want it anymore with her, so I got a divorce." She stopped wanting sex with him due to resentment, then he resented her for the period of no sex. But neither side sees what the other is saying because what they want from each other (emotional support from him so that she wants sex again vs. emotional support from her in the form of sex) is strangely at odds.

[Anonymous]

Once my DH actually started doing his fair share of the emotional labor, *his* libido plummeted. So I guess in that way it “fixed” any libido disconnect. It happens to be that I wish I were having a lot more but that’s the other side to the coin of what happens when men do their fair share. Just because the couple may be having the same amount of sex doesn’t necessarily mean that the man doing more didn’t change the dynamic.

[Anonymous]

PP who wrote about feeling like a priority. For me, it was things like him asking about my day instead of staying morosely glued to his iPhone the second he got home from work. Reaching for my hand while driving to a soccer match. Tagging along to the grocery store. Surprising me with a bouquet on our kid’s birthday because I had done a lot of hard work many years ago in delivering said child. Not rocket science but this is what worked for me.

Another poster wrote about a cycle of resentment. I should add that my DH and I never had a convo about resentment, desire, and stepping up more. What happened is that I stumbled into this forum and was terrified to see my marriage reflected in many of these posts. Because I love my DH and want to grow old with him I decided to let go of old resentments because they were getting in the way of my happiness. I decided to be the one to ‘give in’ for lack of a better phrase. (Yes that was somewhat of a hard pill to swallow but I value my marriage more than my pride). I never stopped wanting sex with my husband (no boredom issues here) so picking things back up in the bedroom was not hard once I broke that cycle of resentment. Shortly thereafter my husband did a complete 180 and is treating me essentially the way he did when we were dating. He is voluntarily doing more around the house and things are so mich better in every aspect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP who wrote about feeling like a priority. For me, it was things like him asking about my day instead of staying morosely glued to his iPhone the second he got home from work. Reaching for my hand while driving to a soccer match. Tagging along to the grocery store. Surprising me with a bouquet on our kid’s birthday because I had done a lot of hard work many years ago in delivering said child. Not rocket science but this is what worked for me.

Another poster wrote about a cycle of resentment. I should add that my DH and I never had a convo about resentment, desire, and stepping up more. What happened is that I stumbled into this forum and was terrified to see my marriage reflected in many of these posts. Because I love my DH and want to grow old with him I decided to let go of old resentments because they were getting in the way of my happiness. I decided to be the one to ‘give in’ for lack of a better phrase. (Yes that was somewhat of a hard pill to swallow but I value my marriage more than my pride). I never stopped wanting sex with my husband (no boredom issues here) so picking things back up in the bedroom was not hard once I broke that cycle of resentment. Shortly thereafter my husband did a complete 180 and is treating me essentially the way he did when we were dating. He is voluntarily doing more around the house and things are so mich better in every aspect.

+1
Men are a lot more interested in helping out their partner when sex moves up the priority list. Let the house stay messy & the yard go to seed, go through the drive-thru, say "no" to volunteering for the PTA. Men don't care about you taking short cuts if it makes you happier, less stressed and more inclined to sex. I've always found that DH is much more likely to take care of house & home when he feels like a valued part of it and not an afterthought.

Men are simple - sex and food. In that order. Repeat often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine is the most common of problems. I want to have better and more frequent sex and intimacy, she wants to be left alone. We used to schedule once a week, or so (worked out to 2-3x a month) but most of the time she clearly would have preferred to be left alone.

So after years of this dynamic, I have backed off. Going on 4 months, no sex. At first, it really, really sucked but now I really don't miss sex with her. Definitely less resentment, ironically. She has mentioned about scheduling it again, but I am skeptical this is anything but her feeling guilty about not doing something I used to push for.

Question - do women regain libido if they are left alone for a while? Meaning, can desire rebuild over time? Anyone successfully used a long sex break as a positive step?

I could have written this 20 years ago. “DW” suggested if I backed off a little maybe she’d be more inclined to have sex with me. So, I backed off. Our sex life went from infrequent to nonexistent. Like you, I found I didn’t muss sex with her, but that was only because I came to resent her, and us, intensely.
I ultimately left after almost 10 years of this and my youngest graduating from high school.
Looking back, perhaps if I handled things differently we could have saved our marriage. Who knows.

OP here, really appreciate this. It is interesting that the longer we go without having sex, the less I care. Like, we used to go a week and I craved her but now months go by and I don't miss it I wonder where this leads, and I suspect she does too since she mentioned sex once.

The opposite of love is indifference

[Anonymous]

OP I could make guesses all day as to what is really going on- but at the end of the day- giving up and not caring or asking for sex is NOT going to make her suddenly have a new increased libido.
You said she brought up scheduling it again. It sounds like she was trying to make an effort- and instead you dismiss it?. If you regularly scheduled it, both of you might become more interested in it over time naturally. You can’t blame this all on her- she is offering. Maybe it’s not the offer you want- but she was trying to take a step forward.

Let me ask you something- do you take her out on dates? Do you get away from the kids just the two of you? You need to do that or things will not improve. Do you spend time talking to her at the end of the day? talking about meaningful things in your life? That is what builds intimacy and women need intimacy to be interested in sex. Women are wired differently.

I somewhat know how your wife is feeling. I have a stressful job, and we have a special needs child. Day to day stress makes me completely not interested in sex. However if we are able to go out on dates- and I have several drinks to take the edge off , then I am much more in the mood. The more we have sex the more interested I am. The longer we go without it- the less I miss it.

If going on dates, spending time together and just talking with each other doesn’t help the situation- then perhaps consider therapy. Do not just quit on your marriage without trying to work it out. Don’t make guesses as to why she isn’t interested- ask her about it- talk it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd trust this advice a lot more if we had more couples chiming in, saying, "Yup, our sex life was on life support, he took some stuff off my plate, and it perked right up."

Wife here who started out marriage/life with high libido. Slowly died down to 1x per week due to outside stressors, all already been said.
Therapy and a DH who stepped it up worked for us. I began to see him as a partner (and sexual partner) and not just another task or person demanding something from me.

Another wife. I would say time off the constant to do list and more support absolutely does it for me. The PPs list/ diagnosis of general burnout is right on l men don’t realize how much pregnancy, birth, nursing, etc. takes out of a woman, especially because we do it later in life. Then the years of parenting start...it’s like running one marathon after another back to back with no down time. My theory is men don’t run the first few marathons with us so they don’t get what we are going through and why we need to recover.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men don't realize that no woman (unless something happened, cheating etc) just wakes up one day and is like "you know what, I don't feel like sex with my DH"
What happens is little by little more and more and more are added to the plate, to the relationship, to her life and she is expected and demanded to still be the sexual, active wife she was when she was 24, no kids, fewer job responsibilities, few bills, no piano lessons, or late night nursing. No carpool and conferences, no aging parents or siblings getting married. No long hours at work or a family that needed to be fed. No piles of laundry or a leak in the roof. No dog that needed to be walked or homework to be helped with. No birthday parties to plan or field trips to chaperone or papers to sign. With date nights and nights home alone to binge watch Bravo. With nights to do her nails, hair, wax. With money to spend on take out. With trips with friends and travels abroad. With a younger body and lighter spirit. With concert tickets and spa weekends.

Then you WONDER. Are just shocked that after you take away the time to herself, the date nights, the spa days, the less stressful work environment and add kids, aging parents, pets, household stuff, school stuff, work stuff that she is just NOT into sex multiple times a week. Hell, she likely isnt' into anything she was into at the same intensity she was when you first met or got married.

Have YOU changed? Do you still take her on dates or on romantic trips or do you use kids as the excuse? Do you still surprise her with flowers or candy or do you use work as an excuse?
Do you still rub her shoulders after a long day or do you know expect any touch you provide her should lead to sex for you?
Do you still smile at her across from the table during a meal or do you blame lack of time?
Do you kiss her passionately when you get home because you are happy to see her or do you say you need to decompress first?

Think about what role YOU play in all of this and realize that it took time to get to where you are in your relationship. No one fix will change anything overnight but it will overtime.

The fact that dudes experience a whole lot of this also and still want to have sex makes me think that hormones are the bigger part of the equation. That doesn't really help too many people because how many women want to inject a bunch of testosterone?

Dudes do not experience what we do. They do not go through the pregnancy, birth, and nursing. That is physically exhausting. Your blood volume literally doubles when you are pregnant. Your heart and cardiac system are under the same amount of stress as if you were literally running a marathon daily. Your body makes an extra organ (placenta) and another person. Then you nurse it for months by liquidating your own body. Your husband knows nothing about potty training, when to switch to solids, illnesses, teething, weaning, sleep training etc. so most likely that is your own little research project to figure out and implement every time something is needed. Is he restocking clothes and shoes and outerwear every few months? On top of medical and dental appointments? Hiring caregivers, decorating rooms, making sure child has age appropriate toys, keeping grandparents in the loop and so on? These are all new tasks that change and develop constantly in the first few years if a child’s life and require much more executive function than repetitive habitual chores.

Finally, men who work in a male dominated work environment don’t realize how stressful it is for women to do the same. Imagine if day in day out you worked in a woman dominated environment, your salary was dependent on how well you could read and communicate with women. Ha. You would not be able to deal with it for an hour, let alone hours day in and day out.

Yes you have your hormones, but trust me the playing field in terms of sheer energy expended to exist and fulfill a role is very different.