Does the Husband backing off and giving space help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try a massage and a vibrator.

This.

I find it hard to believe that so many men have absolutely no idea how to get women to have sex with them. Don’t most men spend years working on this very skill?

You are missing the point. Like many men, he used to have much sex with his wife. So yeah, he used to know how to do this and was very good at it. But now she has stopped caring, and very likely there is nothing whatsoever he can do to get his wife to have sex with the frequency and enthusiasm he desires.

It would not be hard at all for him to have sex with other women. So again, he does know how to get women to have sex with him - just not this one particular one who he is married to.

He should draw his own conclusions from this.

He’s probably at least 46. So not exactly panty-dropping material.

[Anonymous]

Talk to each other! She probably wishes she didn't feel this way. It's probably related to menopause and hormones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try a massage and a vibrator.

This.

I find it hard to believe that so many men have absolutely no idea how to get women to have sex with them. Don’t most men spend years working on this very skill?

You are missing the point. Like many men, he used to have much sex with his wife. So yeah, he used to know how to do this and was very good at it. But now she has stopped caring, and very likely there is nothing whatsoever he can do to get his wife to have sex with the frequency and enthusiasm he desires.

It would not be hard at all for him to have sex with other women. So again, he does know how to get women to have sex with him - just not this one particular one who he is married to.

He should draw his own conclusions from this.

He’s probably at least 46. So not exactly panty-dropping material.

That made me laugh. For many men in that age category it’s true. I f... my husband because I love him, not because he looks like Homer Simpson

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seems like the perfect time for a night away together. Don’t expect sex at the hotel, give her a massage and just treat her really well. She’ll come back to you.

Better idea: spend your money on a hotel room for you and your AP. You'll have sex, and it'll be much better than anything you'll ever have with your bored dried-up wife ever again.

You sad creature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try a massage and a vibrator.

This.

I find it hard to believe that so many men have absolutely no idea how to get women to have sex with them. Don’t most men spend years working on this very skill?

You are missing the point. Like many men, he used to have much sex with his wife. So yeah, he used to know how to do this and was very good at it. But now she has stopped caring, and very likely there is nothing whatsoever he can do to get his wife to have sex with the frequency and enthusiasm he desires.

It would not be hard at all for him to have sex with other women. So again, he does know how to get women to have sex with him - just not this one particular one who he is married to.

He should draw his own conclusions from this.

I think we have the same point. You know how to get a woman to sleep with you, OP, and it isn’t by backing off and acting disinterested.
So, what’s the game here? She isn’t interested in sex, and it doesn’t sound like you are really all that interested either, so what’s going on between you two? And why do you two want to pin it all on her?
It sounds like you have both accepted this narrative that you want to have sex and she doesn’t. Even though you both know that you aren’t really trying all that hard, and she probably likes it at least a little when you do have sex, and in reality you probably have fairly similar amounts of desire. So what do you get from this story that you are polar opposites?

If you want to have more sex, you have to figure out the function of that story in your marriage, and you have to find a way for your marriage to work without it. Maybe it’s something she needs to feel she has power in the relationship. Maybe it’s something that you need so you don’t have to face your own lack of desire sometimes. Maybe it’s something you both need because it creates this push and pull in your relationship that keeps things interesting. But whatever it is, you have to find something else to replace it before you can have more sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try a massage and a vibrator.

This.

I find it hard to believe that so many men have absolutely no idea how to get women to have sex with them. Don’t most men spend years working on this very skill?

OP here, she has several vibrators and we use them when we do have sex.

To the other poster, I know I can have an affair, I do have other women who signal interest but it just trades one set of problems for another. I will ask for a divorce first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try a massage and a vibrator.

This.

I find it hard to believe that so many men have absolutely no idea how to get women to have sex with them. Don’t most men spend years working on this very skill?

You are missing the point. Like many men, he used to have much sex with his wife. So yeah, he used to know how to do this and was very good at it. But now she has stopped caring, and very likely there is nothing whatsoever he can do to get his wife to have sex with the frequency and enthusiasm he desires.

It would not be hard at all for him to have sex with other women. So again, he does know how to get women to have sex with him - just not this one particular one who he is married to.

He should draw his own conclusions from this.

Because a man used to have a lot of sex with his wife he must be good at it? Stupid comment. My husband was *never* good at sex. He’s uptight and only wants missionary, him on top. Not creative, basic boring foreplay. While I’m in my mid 30s and just generally want a lot of sex, it’s not because he’s doing anything to make it fun for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try a massage and a vibrator.

This.

I find it hard to believe that so many men have absolutely no idea how to get women to have sex with them. Don’t most men spend years working on this very skill?

OP here, she has several vibrators and we use them when we do have sex.

To the other poster, I know I can have an affair, I do have other women who signal interest but it just trades one set of problems for another. I will ask for a divorce first.

Good for you that you won't cheat.

Also, I f you value marriage, read up on responsive desire and talk to her about where is your mind is currently regarding s potential divorce.

I sometimes don't understand when men say that they don't feel loved/wanted even when a wife schedules sex with her husband (routine sex etc.). That is a sign that she loves you. Otherwise, why make that effort? It requires reframing of your mindset.

[Anonymous]

No, a break won’t help. It will just solidify the “platonic” feeling in your marriage and make it harder/awkward to reconnect sexually. “If you don’t use it, you lose it.”

Did the two of you ever have an active sex life? Before it started to seem like she was doing it out of obligation? Was there a time in your marriage that she initiated and seemed to enjoy it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, a break won’t help. It will just solidify the “platonic” feeling in your marriage and make it harder/awkward to reconnect sexually. “If you don’t use it, you lose it.”

Did the two of you ever have an active sex life? Before it started to seem like she was doing it out of obligation? Was there a time in your marriage that she initiated and seemed to enjoy it?

Yes, we met in grad school and definitely had the phase of sex multiple times a day, and even after marriage and being together almost a decade before kids, our sex life was frequent and fun and experimental. It crashed after the kids came, I get that, but has never regained even though they are in middle school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try a massage and a vibrator.

This.

I find it hard to believe that so many men have absolutely no idea how to get women to have sex with them. Don’t most men spend years working on this very skill?

OP here, she has several vibrators and we use them when we do have sex.

To the other poster, I know I can have an affair, I do have other women who signal interest but it just trades one set of problems for another. I will ask for a divorce first.

Good for you that you won't cheat.

Also, I f you value marriage, read up on responsive desire and talk to her about where is your mind is currently regarding s potential divorce.

I sometimes don't understand when men say that they don't feel loved/wanted even when a wife schedules sex with her husband (routine sex etc.). That is a sign that she loves you. Otherwise, why make that effort? It requires reframing of your mindset.

There's a difference between scheduling it, and when it happens, she is being fun and playful and makes an effort to get into it. It's another thing when it's "ok, we need to do this now, I am not going to shower, please just be quick, don't worry about me, just finish" If she was in the category of "no real desire at the start but into it later" that would be ok.

The schedule was down to twice a month and when we discussed going to once a week her response was that 2x a month is a lot for a married couple and I should be thrilled it's that often.

Is she right? Is this what men can realistically hope for?

Imagine the genders were reversed, and my effort for her was to hold a vibrator against her while checking sports scores on my phone. Did I meed my scheduled obligation? I checked the box and can go back to what I was doing, right?

[Anonymous]

^what do you do to s t art the flame beforehand? It can start way in advance. It's getting her mind revved u p. It's teasing/flirting in between for example. It's finding ways that work for her and might require effort on your part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try a massage and a vibrator.

This.

I find it hard to believe that so many men have absolutely no idea how to get women to have sex with them. Don’t most men spend years working on this very skill?

OP here, she has several vibrators and we use them when we do have sex.

To the other poster, I know I can have an affair, I do have other women who signal interest but it just trades one set of problems for another. I will ask for a divorce first.

Good for you that you won't cheat.

Also, I f you value marriage, read up on responsive desire and talk to her about where is your mind is currently regarding s potential divorce.

I sometimes don't understand when men say that they don't feel loved/wanted even when a wife schedules sex with her husband (routine sex etc.). That is a sign that she loves you. Otherwise, why make that effort? It requires reframing of your mindset.

There's a difference between scheduling it, and when it happens, she is being fun and playful and makes an effort to get into it. It's another thing when it's "ok, we need to do this now, I am not going to shower, please just be quick, don't worry about me, just finish" If she was in the category of "no real desire at the start but into it later" that would be ok.

The schedule was down to twice a month and when we discussed going to once a week her response was that 2x a month is a lot for a married couple and I should be thrilled it's that often.

Is she right? Is this what men can realistically hope for?

Imagine the genders were reversed, and my effort for her was to hold a vibrator against her while checking sports scores on my phone. Did I meed my scheduled obligation? I checked the box and can go back to what I was doing, right?

I am not sure what you are asking here. You said that your wife says not to worry about her. That means that she wants to take the pressure off you to please her because she knows she isn’t feeling in the mood right then, and it’s going to take a lot of effort on your part to make anything happen.

Certainly when my husband has been unable to perform for whatever reason, I am pretty happy with a vibrator or oral sex and it’s over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^what do you do to s t art the flame beforehand? It can start way in advance. It's getting her mind revved u p. It's teasing/flirting in between for example. It's finding ways that work for her and might require effort on your part.

Yep. Put that effort in with no expectations of anything to follow (can be a turnoff) and hope for the best, eventually!

[Anonymous]

A break could help if it makes her want sex/you and initiate, but it seems unlikely that’s the kind of break you’re having. In addition to not pushing, put some effort into revitalizing your own life (or your life together if she’s responsive). Take a dance class, go to the gym, get excited about a hobby, don’t shut her out, but don’t wait for her either. If she’s not enthusiastic about participating, do it on your own. Sometimes seeing a partner revitalized - excited, enthusiastic about life, having fun - can make the spouse in a funk see you in a new way and reignite desire.