Does the Husband backing off and giving space help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Finally, men who work in a male dominated work environment don’t realize how stressful it is for women to do the same. Imagine if day in day out you worked in a woman dominated environment, your salary was dependent on how well you could read and communicate with women. Ha. You would not be able to deal with it for an hour, let alone hours day in and day out.

Do you have any clue how many men in DC have to deal with this? Look around you, the streets are full of female professionals, many are bosses.

Seriously? Those female bosses probably came up in extremely male dominated environments. They are already conditioned and trained to deal with a male culture of communication and work routines. I'm talking, go into a matriarchy that's lasted centuries and try to make some inroads. See what that does to your sense of self and get back to me. Most men I know can't stand having a conversation with *one* woman for an hour without feeling overwhelmed by the sense that "they don't know what she wants." Multiply that by the whole world all the time, that's probably your wife's reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Space can 100% work if that is what she needs. A little breathing room and you are giving it because you love her and want to give your partner what she/he needs.
It won't work if she is saying she needs something different and you are using it to punish or prove a point.


A lot of men don't like hearing that a little more help or understanding will fix things in the bedroom. It requires a little more leaning in on their part and not always in ways they find enjoyable or want to. it may cut into their drinks after work or their golf weekend. It may cut into time you could be repairing a car or mowing the lawn. But here's the thing. If a pipe broke in your house tonight you would FIND time tomorrow to do what needed to be done to get the leak fixed and under control. You may push a meeting or work from home part of the day. You may call your brother and say you can't play cards tonight. You would find and make the time.
Do at least that much for your wife.
Yes, it won't happen overnight. You won't give space and help out and then she becomes a sex fiend tomorrow. But she will start to look at you differently. She will start to see you as a partner. Engaged, helpful, understanding. Someone she fell in love with and begin to ignite that fire again. The question you have to ask is do you want it to be lit and are you willing to help supply the timber needed to keep it going?

You make it sound like men don't like hearing this because they are lazy or selfish. The reality is that we have trouble trusting that it will actually make a difference. (And hearing it from someone who thinks we're lazy or selfish doesn't exactly add to the trust.) It sounds like a self-serving excuse by the women involved and many men have had the experience of trying to shoulder more of the load without anything changing.

Trouble trusting it will make a difference? That's amazing. What if a woman had a baby and the baby was crying all the time, and the woman made some half-hearted efforts to soothe it once in a while and just said, yeah, I don't know. Hard to feel like anything I do makes a difference. You just need to step up and take responsibility for the situation. "It's probably not going to change" isn't really a confidence-inspiring approach for the person on the other end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Space can 100% work if that is what she needs. A little breathing room and you are giving it because you love her and want to give your partner what she/he needs.
It won't work if she is saying she needs something different and you are using it to punish or prove a point.


A lot of men don't like hearing that a little more help or understanding will fix things in the bedroom. It requires a little more leaning in on their part and not always in ways they find enjoyable or want to. it may cut into their drinks after work or their golf weekend. It may cut into time you could be repairing a car or mowing the lawn. But here's the thing. If a pipe broke in your house tonight you would FIND time tomorrow to do what needed to be done to get the leak fixed and under control. You may push a meeting or work from home part of the day. You may call your brother and say you can't play cards tonight. You would find and make the time.
Do at least that much for your wife.
Yes, it won't happen overnight. You won't give space and help out and then she becomes a sex fiend tomorrow. But she will start to look at you differently. She will start to see you as a partner. Engaged, helpful, understanding. Someone she fell in love with and begin to ignite that fire again. The question you have to ask is do you want it to be lit and are you willing to help supply the timber needed to keep it going?

You make it sound like men don't like hearing this because they are lazy or selfish. The reality is that we have trouble trusting that it will actually make a difference. (And hearing it from someone who thinks we're lazy or selfish doesn't exactly add to the trust.) It sounds like a self-serving excuse by the women involved and many men have had the experience of trying to shoulder more of the load without anything changing.

I'm not going to pitch in around the house that I live in or take care of the children I made unless I can be guaranteed it will result in getting my sick ducked, says man who calls women self-serving.

[Anonymous]

Men: I want more from my wife in the form of sec
Men also: I don't to to do anything more for her
Men: I am backing off to make her want it
Men also: now she wants it. I want a divorce

[Anonymous]

Thing is even tired women still want sex, just not from someone who is demanding, doesn't pull their fair share, isn't interested in her feelings it needs.
That's why they lose it for their DH but not for the guy next door who smiles and asks how her day is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Finally, men who work in a male dominated work environment don’t realize how stressful it is for women to do the same. Imagine if day in day out you worked in a woman dominated environment, your salary was dependent on how well you could read and communicate with women. Ha. You would not be able to deal with it for an hour, let alone hours day in and day out.

Do you have any clue how many men in DC have to deal with this? Look around you, the streets are full of female professionals, many are bosses.

Seriously? Those female bosses probably came up in extremely male dominated environments. They are already conditioned and trained to deal with a male culture of communication and work routines. I'm talking, go into a matriarchy that's lasted centuries and try to make some inroads. See what that does to your sense of self and get back to me. Most men I know can't stand having a conversation with *one* woman for an hour without feeling overwhelmed by the sense that "they don't know what she wants." Multiply that by the whole world all the time, that's probably your wife's reality.

so you're saying spend more time arguing with the likes of you, here on DCUM?

[Anonymous]

OP are you already doing your fair share around the house? Yes? Good, keep it up. No? Well step up and be a good room mate. This isn’t about sex, it’s about being a functional adult.

As to your sex life, here is the 100% effective solution that (one way or another) will definitely work:
Ask her what changes are needed for her to commit to sex twice per week. If she’s not I interested, then inform her the marriage is open. Or (if you prefer) divorce your sexless wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Challenge for men. Got to a bar. Lick up a young hot girl. Take her home. Have her watch you kids for a week. Give her things to do like grocery shop, cook, laundry, homework, Drs appointments for the kids, Ortho appointment, dog to vet, birthday card to your mom, clean the bathrooms, shop for new shoes for DS, ballet leotard for Dd, got to soccer practice (don't forget snacks) ballet and them help with homework. Don't forget the spelling test, reading log and field trip forms!
Then on Friday after she puts the kids to bed try and have sex with her.

Man here and I have to say this is pretty funny and actually an eye opener. But also exactly why affairs are so common and why men do them, it's the only way to have great sex again for most of us. Unfair but true

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Challenge for men. Got to a bar. Lick up a young hot girl. Take her home. Have her watch you kids for a week. Give her things to do like grocery shop, cook, laundry, homework, Drs appointments for the kids, Ortho appointment, dog to vet, birthday card to your mom, clean the bathrooms, shop for new shoes for DS, ballet leotard for Dd, got to soccer practice (don't forget snacks) ballet and them help with homework. Don't forget the spelling test, reading log and field trip forms!
Then on Friday after she puts the kids to bed try and have sex with her.

Man here and I have to say this is pretty funny and actually an eye opener. But also exactly why affairs are so common and why men do them, it's the only way to have great sex again for most of us. Unfair but true

Yes, because when you treat any woman like a wife she won't want to bone you. Treat a woman with kindness, support and as a sexy thing and your luck may turn around.

[Anonymous]

This world where the only wives who don't want to have sex are those whose husbands are lazy and mistreat them sounds like a nice place to live. It's so fair. If you're a good husband, your wife loves you and wants to have sex with you. If you're a bad husband she doesn't. Simple!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This world where the only wives who don't want to have sex are those whose husbands are lazy and mistreat them sounds like a nice place to live. It's so fair. If you're a good husband, your wife loves you and wants to have sex with you. If you're a bad husband she doesn't. Simple!

I am sure that is sometimes true. But for women whose husband's aren't interested, is it because they are bad wives? Or can you accept some people just don't have a sex drive?

[Anonymous]

If a woman had sex drive before kids and doesn't after, this means other things (work load, how a husband treats his wife etc.) play a role. If woman never had a sex drive, it's a different situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP are you already doing your fair share around the house? Yes? Good, keep it up. No? Well step up and be a good room mate. This isn’t about sex, it’s about being a functional adult.

As to your sex life, here is the 100% effective solution that (one way or another) will definitely work:
Ask her what changes are needed for her to commit to sex twice per week. If she’s not I interested, then inform her the marriage is open. Or (if you prefer) divorce your sexless wife.

She has already committed to this. OP just doesn’t feel she is a good enough actress when the time comes around. He wants her to pretend to be more enthusiastic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Yes, because when you treat any woman like a wife she won't want to bone you. Treat a woman with kindness, support and as a sexy thing and your luck may turn around.

This is it. Thread over.