Does the Husband backing off and giving space help

[Anonymous]

Mine is the most common of problems. I want to have better and more frequent sex and intimacy, she wants to be left alone. We used to schedule once a week, or so (worked out to 2-3x a month) but most of the time she clearly would have preferred to be left alone.

So after years of this dynamic, I have backed off. Going on 4 months, no sex. At first, it really, really sucked but now I really don't miss sex with her. Definitely less resentment, ironically. She has mentioned about scheduling it again, but I am skeptical this is anything but her feeling guilty about not doing something I used to push for.

Question - do women regain libido if they are left alone for a while? Meaning, can desire rebuild over time? Anyone successfully used a long sex break as a positive step?

[Anonymous]

It helps but it is rarely enough on its own. Try to resolve the underlying issues, whatever they are. You seem a little clueless if you think backing off is all it takes, and that is probably a big part of the problem.

[Anonymous]

You are fooling yourself.

She will happily continue for years, even forever, with you paying for stuff without getting sex in return.

Betabux in a dead bedroom: that's you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are fooling yourself.

She will happily continue for years, even forever, with you paying for stuff without getting sex in return.

Betabux in a dead bedroom: that's you.

Wow dislike women much? Maybe she’s supporting him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are fooling yourself.

She will happily continue for years, even forever, with you paying for stuff without getting sex in return.

Betabux in a dead bedroom: that's you.

Wow dislike women much? Maybe she’s supporting him?

DP - perhaps, but maybe he's supporting her.

[Anonymous]

How old is she, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine is the most common of problems. I want to have better and more frequent sex and intimacy, she wants to be left alone. We used to schedule once a week, or so (worked out to 2-3x a month) but most of the time she clearly would have preferred to be left alone.

So after years of this dynamic, I have backed off. Going on 4 months, no sex. At first, it really, really sucked but now I really don't miss sex with her. Definitely less resentment, ironically. She has mentioned about scheduling it again, but I am skeptical this is anything but her feeling guilty about not doing something I used to push for.

Question - do women regain libido if they are left alone for a while? Meaning, can desire rebuild over time? Anyone successfully used a long sex break as a positive step?

Yeah, it's funny. So much of the conversation centers on *sex,* when it's really *desire.* The reality is, the majority of the time it's not that the uninterested spouse isn't interested in sex. They just aren't interested in sex with *you.* And yes, you're falling into a very predictable pattern - uninterested spouse (usually the woman) feels guilty, and feels she must do the bare minimum to ensure that you do not stray. And you, having now gone without and realized that you're not really missing much with her, are perfectly happy to help yourself. Until you're not anymore. And then ...

This is the end. She's either done with sex, or, more likely, she's done with sex *with you,* at least in its present form (i.e. routine, boring, and just, well, YOU). So, sure, back off, do more around the house, give her "space" to reclaim her lost "libido" (aka desire for sex with the same person for the rest of her life) whatever. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Try a massage and a vibrator.

[Anonymous]

This seems like the perfect time for a night away together. Don’t expect sex at the hotel, give her a massage and just treat her really well. She’ll come back to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This seems like the perfect time for a night away together. Don’t expect sex at the hotel, give her a massage and just treat her really well. She’ll come back to you.

Just to echo this, I have almost no drive due to having to be on the pill for horrible perimenopause symptoms. A massage is the only thing that works for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is she, OP?

46

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is she, OP?

46

Could be perimenopause, and her sex drive could be on the way from low to zero. You may want to go back to scheduled sex now and at least enjoy whatever is left.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This seems like the perfect time for a night away together. Don’t expect sex at the hotel, give her a massage and just treat her really well. She’ll come back to you.

Better idea: spend your money on a hotel room for you and your AP. You'll have sex, and it'll be much better than anything you'll ever have with your bored dried-up wife ever again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try a massage and a vibrator.

This.

I find it hard to believe that so many men have absolutely no idea how to get women to have sex with them. Don’t most men spend years working on this very skill?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try a massage and a vibrator.

This.

I find it hard to believe that so many men have absolutely no idea how to get women to have sex with them. Don’t most men spend years working on this very skill?

You are missing the point. Like many men, he used to have much sex with his wife. So yeah, he used to know how to do this and was very good at it. But now she has stopped caring, and very likely there is nothing whatsoever he can do to get his wife to have sex with the frequency and enthusiasm he desires.

It would not be hard at all for him to have sex with other women. So again, he does know how to get women to have sex with him - just not this one particular one who he is married to.

He should draw his own conclusions from this.