Does the Husband backing off and giving space help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Finally, men who work in a male dominated work environment don’t realize how stressful it is for women to do the same. Imagine if day in day out you worked in a woman dominated environment, your salary was dependent on how well you could read and communicate with women. Ha. You would not be able to deal with it for an hour, let alone hours day in and day out.

Do you have any clue how many men in DC have to deal with this? Look around you, the streets are full of female professionals, many are bosses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn’t work for us.
I was the wife who didn’t want sex.
When I started sort of coming around, he became a d-ck and later left.
I still don’t know who is to blame. I couldn’t give him more than the checkbox sex, he probably didn’t want anything after a few years like that.

I used to frequent the forums at Married Man Sex Life when they were still a thing and becoming angry when things started to get better was pretty common and was surprising to me. My take is that it's not just about sex, but in any situation where you have a lot of resentment built up, it can kind of sit behind a wall as long as the status quo is maintained. But, when things shift, that resentment can just kind of come flooding out -- even if the shift is in a direction that ought to help resolve the cause of the resentment.

In the case of sex, when it starts to get better, I think the resentful spouse experiences a combination of "if you can do this now, you could have been doing it for all the years I've been hurting" along with "this isn't real or sustainable, it's is just going to hurt that much more when the sex goes away again."

Interesting take!
I haven’t thought about the reasons to be honest, I felt like I’ve tried and was still never good enough, so in a way I was happy when he left (though scared as well).

[Anonymous]

^ true. It seems like you're damned if you do and damned if you don't (make an effort).

OP, don't give her space. Work actively towards communicating in a way that she really understands how you feel. If you value marriage, you will come to a compromise which means you won't get everything you want because both of you are adjusting. Key question is do you value marriage?

If she's willing to schedule sex, she loves you and making a compromise. You have to decide in your mind if that is an act of love and if that is enough. You have to communicate and be honest.

If you communicate, you will need to hear her perspective as well. What other women have said in this thread has been true and applied to me as well.

BTW, coming out of those tough years (demanding job/young kids/uncertain financials) and now looking back, staying in the marriage has been worth it for us. Things change.

[Anonymous]

Space can 100% work if that is what she needs. A little breathing room and you are giving it because you love her and want to give your partner what she/he needs.
It won't work if she is saying she needs something different and you are using it to punish or prove a point.


A lot of men don't like hearing that a little more help or understanding will fix things in the bedroom. It requires a little more leaning in on their part and not always in ways they find enjoyable or want to. it may cut into their drinks after work or their golf weekend. It may cut into time you could be repairing a car or mowing the lawn. But here's the thing. If a pipe broke in your house tonight you would FIND time tomorrow to do what needed to be done to get the leak fixed and under control. You may push a meeting or work from home part of the day. You may call your brother and say you can't play cards tonight. You would find and make the time.
Do at least that much for your wife.
Yes, it won't happen overnight. You won't give space and help out and then she becomes a sex fiend tomorrow. But she will start to look at you differently. She will start to see you as a partner. Engaged, helpful, understanding. Someone she fell in love with and begin to ignite that fire again. The question you have to ask is do you want it to be lit and are you willing to help supply the timber needed to keep it going?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Space can 100% work if that is what she needs. A little breathing room and you are giving it because you love her and want to give your partner what she/he needs.
It won't work if she is saying she needs something different and you are using it to punish or prove a point.


A lot of men don't like hearing that a little more help or understanding will fix things in the bedroom. It requires a little more leaning in on their part and not always in ways they find enjoyable or want to. it may cut into their drinks after work or their golf weekend. It may cut into time you could be repairing a car or mowing the lawn. But here's the thing. If a pipe broke in your house tonight you would FIND time tomorrow to do what needed to be done to get the leak fixed and under control. You may push a meeting or work from home part of the day. You may call your brother and say you can't play cards tonight. You would find and make the time.
Do at least that much for your wife.
Yes, it won't happen overnight. You won't give space and help out and then she becomes a sex fiend tomorrow. But she will start to look at you differently. She will start to see you as a partner. Engaged, helpful, understanding. Someone she fell in love with and begin to ignite that fire again. The question you have to ask is do you want it to be lit and are you willing to help supply the timber needed to keep it going?

Just remember, this is and will always be, a one-way street. She looked at all of the increased, genuinely important, competing demands, and unilaterally, without any discussion decided sex with her spouse was the obligation she could no longer fulfill. Moreover, she does not perceive the status quo to be a problem of any sort. And she cannot help but resent the fact that you find it to be a problem.

So by all means take the steps necessary to fix the pipe. Make the sacrifice and put in the time and effort to ensure that you’re being as supportive and considerate as possible. That is how strong relationships are built, maintained, and repaired. But you cannot lose sight of the fact that she doesn’t believe burst pipes are something that needs to be fixed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine is the most common of problems. I want to have better and more frequent sex and intimacy, she wants to be left alone. We used to schedule once a week, or so (worked out to 2-3x a month) but most of the time she clearly would have preferred to be left alone.

So after years of this dynamic, I have backed off. Going on 4 months, no sex. At first, it really, really sucked but now I really don't miss sex with her. Definitely less resentment, ironically. She has mentioned about scheduling it again, but I am skeptical this is anything but her feeling guilty about not doing something I used to push for.

Question - do women regain libido if they are left alone for a while? Meaning, can desire rebuild over time? Anyone successfully used a long sex break as a positive step?

It helped me a lot. We were scheduling sex and it was a chore that I had to do. It wasn't pleasurable for me, but it wasn't awful either. It was just a thing that had to be done, like dishes or laundry. DH decided to back off. It freaked me out for a little bit. He continued to flirt a bit. One thing led to another and my sex drive rekindled. We now have sex 1-2 times per week. I enjoy it a lot. It's not an obligation now; it's something that I want. If I don't feel like it, we don't do it. Ironically, I feel like it more often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Space can 100% work if that is what she needs. A little breathing room and you are giving it because you love her and want to give your partner what she/he needs.
It won't work if she is saying she needs something different and you are using it to punish or prove a point.


A lot of men don't like hearing that a little more help or understanding will fix things in the bedroom. It requires a little more leaning in on their part and not always in ways they find enjoyable or want to. it may cut into their drinks after work or their golf weekend. It may cut into time you could be repairing a car or mowing the lawn. But here's the thing. If a pipe broke in your house tonight you would FIND time tomorrow to do what needed to be done to get the leak fixed and under control. You may push a meeting or work from home part of the day. You may call your brother and say you can't play cards tonight. You would find and make the time.
Do at least that much for your wife.
Yes, it won't happen overnight. You won't give space and help out and then she becomes a sex fiend tomorrow. But she will start to look at you differently. She will start to see you as a partner. Engaged, helpful, understanding. Someone she fell in love with and begin to ignite that fire again. The question you have to ask is do you want it to be lit and are you willing to help supply the timber needed to keep it going?

You make it sound like men don't like hearing this because they are lazy or selfish. The reality is that we have trouble trusting that it will actually make a difference. (And hearing it from someone who thinks we're lazy or selfish doesn't exactly add to the trust.) It sounds like a self-serving excuse by the women involved and many men have had the experience of trying to shoulder more of the load without anything changing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine is the most common of problems. I want to have better and more frequent sex and intimacy, she wants to be left alone. We used to schedule once a week, or so (worked out to 2-3x a month) but most of the time she clearly would have preferred to be left alone.

So after years of this dynamic, I have backed off. Going on 4 months, no sex. At first, it really, really sucked but now I really don't miss sex with her. Definitely less resentment, ironically. She has mentioned about scheduling it again, but I am skeptical this is anything but her feeling guilty about not doing something I used to push for.

Question - do women regain libido if they are left alone for a while? Meaning, can desire rebuild over time? Anyone successfully used a long sex break as a positive step?

It helped me a lot. We were scheduling sex and it was a chore that I had to do. It wasn't pleasurable for me, but it wasn't awful either. It was just a thing that had to be done, like dishes or laundry. DH decided to back off. It freaked me out for a little bit. He continued to flirt a bit. One thing led to another and my sex drive rekindled. We now have sex 1-2 times per week. I enjoy it a lot. It's not an obligation now; it's something that I want. If I don't feel like it, we don't do it. Ironically, I feel like it more often.

It's not really ironic, having sex often leads to desiring more sex. Not having sex often leads to a sort of hibernation effect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Space can 100% work if that is what she needs. A little breathing room and you are giving it because you love her and want to give your partner what she/he needs.
It won't work if she is saying she needs something different and you are using it to punish or prove a point.


A lot of men don't like hearing that a little more help or understanding will fix things in the bedroom. It requires a little more leaning in on their part and not always in ways they find enjoyable or want to. it may cut into their drinks after work or their golf weekend. It may cut into time you could be repairing a car or mowing the lawn. But here's the thing. If a pipe broke in your house tonight you would FIND time tomorrow to do what needed to be done to get the leak fixed and under control. You may push a meeting or work from home part of the day. You may call your brother and say you can't play cards tonight. You would find and make the time.
Do at least that much for your wife.
Yes, it won't happen overnight. You won't give space and help out and then she becomes a sex fiend tomorrow. But she will start to look at you differently. She will start to see you as a partner. Engaged, helpful, understanding. Someone she fell in love with and begin to ignite that fire again. The question you have to ask is do you want it to be lit and are you willing to help supply the timber needed to keep it going?

You make it sound like men don't like hearing this because they are lazy or selfish. The reality is that we have trouble trusting that it will actually make a difference. (And hearing it from someone who thinks we're lazy or selfish doesn't exactly add to the trust.) It sounds like a self-serving excuse by the women involved and many men have had the experience of trying to shoulder more of the load without anything changing.

Whether it makes a difference or not that’s being a far better partner. If you consider doing things to help create better balance in the house bargaining chip for sex then you may need to look at what a marriage actually means to you.

[Anonymous]

OP: I want more frequent and better sex in my marriage. Help.

Comments: Try going more for your wife!

Skeptic: I'm skeptical that this will actually help OP.

Comments: It won't! But it will make you a better partner, and that's what you *ought* to want. Forget about sex!

[Anonymous]

I don't see any woman on here saying to forget about sex.
Men come here asking what they can do to get more and women say a resounding "Shoulder your share of the load of raising a family and having a spouse" and you hear woman saying time and time again that was what helped them get back into feeling like a partner and seeing their husband as the same.
Men are so reluctant to actually step up and help shoulder the responsibilities of what having a family means.
The posts that say a wife chooses to not 'tend' to her husband and is choosing other obligations over him like she has some choice in the matter?
WTF dude. Did i have a choice to have my baby come out of me at 3 months because i was over it and wanted my body and life back? Nope
Did i have a choice that my Vajayjay tore open like a Lays potato chip bag when i pushed our daughter out? Nope
Did i choose to not be able to control my bladder, get an infection and be medicated for months after pregnancy making it physically unable for me to have sex (even if i felt up to it)? Nope
Did I choose to get PPD due to the hormonal imbalances, lack of sleep and a human attached/needing me 24/7? nope
Did I choose for MIL to come stay to 'help' out for 1 week after daughter was born, making more work for me even though DH didn't see it that way? Nope
Did I have a choice in going back to work after 6 weeks even though DD wasn't sleeping through the night (because baby) making me survive on about 4 hours of sleep a day for months? Nope
Did I have a choice to NOT find daycare for her during the day so i could go back to work? Nope
Did i have a choice NOT to feed her at night or pump so my boobs wouldn't explode? NOpe
Did I have a choice to NOT research foods for her to eat and when? Nope
Did I have a choice NOT to buy her clothing?
Did i have a choice NOT to make sure she always had diapers?
Did I have a choice NOT to sign her up for Kindergarten (and the testing/appointments that go with it)
Did I have a choice NOT to get her school supplies, hair cut, etc.
Do I have a choice to NOT feed my family? (a 6 year old can't buy groceries or cook)
Do I have a choice to NOT help her with her homework (reading and math won't be needed in the future?)
Do I have a choice to NOT take her to the Dr. or Dentist (Dr. is required for school and sports enrollment)


This list can go on and on and on.
Do you know what WOULD have given me a choice in some of those? If DH had STEPPED UP AND BEEN A PARTNER. You know. Researching daycares, baby sitters, foods, car seats. Handling school supply shopping, clothe shopping, food shopping, cooking etc.

Common theme?

[Anonymous]

Challenge for men. Got to a bar. Lick up a young hot girl. Take her home. Have her watch you kids for a week. Give her things to do like grocery shop, cook, laundry, homework, Drs appointments for the kids, Ortho appointment, dog to vet, birthday card to your mom, clean the bathrooms, shop for new shoes for DS, ballet leotard for Dd, got to soccer practice (don't forget snacks) ballet and them help with homework. Don't forget the spelling test, reading log and field trip forms!
Then on Friday after she puts the kids to bed try and have sex with her.

[Anonymous]

If you want to have sex with a woman, be her affair partner.

Having a family with her will kill her desire for you and, judging from the theme of these posts, result in her regarding you with contempt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Challenge for men. Got to a bar. Lick up a young hot girl. Take her home. Have her watch you kids for a week. Give her things to do like grocery shop, cook, laundry, homework, Drs appointments for the kids, Ortho appointment, dog to vet, birthday card to your mom, clean the bathrooms, shop for new shoes for DS, ballet leotard for Dd, got to soccer practice (don't forget snacks) ballet and them help with homework. Don't forget the spelling test, reading log and field trip forms!
Then on Friday after she puts the kids to bed try and have sex with her.

Don't forget to tell her she can shower every other day, can only drink stale coffee, won't have time for a hair appointment, reading or TV watching. She will get 6 hours of sleep at night and will have a human demanding something from her at least 10 hours a day. No time for lunch with friends, nails done or shopping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't see any woman on here saying to forget about sex.
Men come here asking what they can do to get more and women say a resounding "Shoulder your share of the load of raising a family and having a spouse" and you hear woman saying time and time again that was what helped them get back into feeling like a partner and seeing their husband as the same.
Men are so reluctant to actually step up and help shoulder the responsibilities of what having a family means.
The posts that say a wife chooses to not 'tend' to her husband and is choosing other obligations over him like she has some choice in the matter?
WTF dude. Did i have a choice to have my baby come out of me at 3 months because i was over it and wanted my body and life back? Nope
Did i have a choice that my Vajayjay tore open like a Lays potato chip bag when i pushed our daughter out? Nope
Did i choose to not be able to control my bladder, get an infection and be medicated for months after pregnancy making it physically unable for me to have sex (even if i felt up to it)? Nope
Did I choose to get PPD due to the hormonal imbalances, lack of sleep and a human attached/needing me 24/7? nope
Did I choose for MIL to come stay to 'help' out for 1 week after daughter was born, making more work for me even though DH didn't see it that way? Nope
Did I have a choice in going back to work after 6 weeks even though DD wasn't sleeping through the night (because baby) making me survive on about 4 hours of sleep a day for months? Nope
Did I have a choice to NOT find daycare for her during the day so i could go back to work? Nope
Did i have a choice NOT to feed her at night or pump so my boobs wouldn't explode? NOpe
Did I have a choice to NOT research foods for her to eat and when? Nope
Did I have a choice NOT to buy her clothing?
Did i have a choice NOT to make sure she always had diapers?
Did I have a choice NOT to sign her up for Kindergarten (and the testing/appointments that go with it)
Did I have a choice NOT to get her school supplies, hair cut, etc.
Do I have a choice to NOT feed my family? (a 6 year old can't buy groceries or cook)
Do I have a choice to NOT help her with her homework (reading and math won't be needed in the future?)
Do I have a choice to NOT take her to the Dr. or Dentist (Dr. is required for school and sports enrollment)


This list can go on and on and on.
Do you know what WOULD have given me a choice in some of those? If DH had STEPPED UP AND BEEN A PARTNER. You know. Researching daycares, baby sitters, foods, car seats. Handling school supply shopping, clothe shopping, food shopping, cooking etc.

Common theme?

Just here to applaud this.

Grow up, guys. The reason sex stops after kids come is because we don't want to have another kid to tend to when you're not doing your fair share. There is no magic bullet here. Listen to what needs to get done and why. Learn. Help. Help take over tasks, help think about how to troubleshoot, help brainstorm ways that everything could run more smoothly for the family. Take responsibility. Otherwise don't blame your wife if she is in survival mode, doing what needs to be done for the family.