Intimate after date night

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she's playful out in public then hike up her dress out in public dude. Find a secluded spot.

I would love it if my husband did this! Men need to be more aggressive.

Are you serious? I'm curious - is there any way your husband would even begin to think this was okay? I mean, great if you're that sexual, but you understand that for most husbands, the risk of rejection/scolding/scorn far outweighs the reward?

Mine would because he knows I would love it. No rejection or scolding but wish he would do it more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she's playful out in public then hike up her dress out in public dude. Find a secluded spot.

I would love it if my husband did this! Men need to be more aggressive.

Are you serious? I'm curious - is there any way your husband would even begin to think this was okay? I mean, great if you're that sexual, but you understand that for most husbands, the risk of rejection/scolding/scorn far outweighs the reward?

Yeah, I don’t think this is something that should be attempted without having been told you’re into it. But you could certainly say “you know what would be hot, if one time when we’re out you...”. Then he can surprise you with exactly when and where.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she's playful out in public then hike up her dress out in public dude. Find a secluded spot.

I would love it if my husband did this! Men need to be more aggressive.

Are you serious? I'm curious - is there any way your husband would even begin to think this was okay? I mean, great if you're that sexual, but you understand that for most husbands, the risk of rejection/scolding/scorn far outweighs the reward?

I'm also guessing if PP is the type who would find an aggressive, public initiation by her husband exciting, she's also not the type to think sex once or twice a month is ok and to fall asleep immediately after date night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here, thanks and what you wrote resonated. You are right, it's been going on for more than a decade so it's not likely to get better ( I assume it will only get worse as we age). I'd hate to break up my family over this, I'd like to think we could figure out a compromise and I am totally game for alternative arrangements

The obvious question here is why have you been putting up with this for over ten years; but having put up with it, and thus firmly established the dysfunctional relationship behavior pattern of inadequate sex, do you understand you have to change your behavior, perhaps radically so, in order to have any chance of changing your wife's behavior?

This dates me, but the PP reminds me of "Say Anything" when the dudes hanging out at the gas station are giving Lloyd Dobler relationship advice.

Lloyd: I got a question. If you guys know so much about women, how come you’re here at like the Gas ‘n’ Sip on a Saturday night completely alone drinking beers with no women anywhere?

Joe: By choice, man!

[Anonymous]

Anyone in a similar situation to PP have a story for him of something that actually worked? Not what seems like it ought to work, but real life success stories? By similar situation, I think a couple of the critical variables are:

1. Kids are beyond toddler age. (So we know it's not just because little kids are exhausting & post-pregnancy hormones).

2. Long period of limited sex -- i.e. less than once a week.

3. Relationship is more than, say, 5 years (so we know that novelty isn't the solution).

[Anonymous]

What "works"?

That depends on what the objective is.

OP has to decide what he is willing to live with and how much he is willing to sacrifice, and he basically needs to put his marriage on the line, since it already is, anyway.

Either he wants to live the rest of his years in a sexless marriage, with an indifferent spouse, or he doesn't. Only three other alternatives: divorce, open marriage, or she becomes more sexually open. The choice is really hers.

The choice to continue the status quo and do nothing about it is OP's, and he needs to stop complaining about it and actually do something.

Doing something doesn't mean more chore play, and it doesn't mean more ineffectual date nights.

It means setting forth very clearly what he wants sexually from his wife, and what he is going to do if she is unwilling to have sex with him on a reasonably regular basis.

If he's not willing to do anything, other than complain, and then reward her for the sexlessness by taking her out on more dates, and doing more chores, then in ten years he will be in the same place, except older, with fewer options.

The sad part is OP's wife is probably already cheating on him, or has cheated in the past, and carrying a torch for her lover. She has "fallen out of love" with OP and that generally doesn't happen unless there is another man in the picture.

This rabbit hole is deep and the only question is whether OP has the guts to go down and explore it, wherever that leads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone in a similar situation to PP have a story for him of something that actually worked? Not what seems like it ought to work, but real life success stories? By similar situation, I think a couple of the critical variables are:

1. Kids are beyond toddler age. (So we know it's not just because little kids are exhausting & post-pregnancy hormones).

2. Long period of limited sex -- i.e. less than once a week.

3. Relationship is more than, say, 5 years (so we know that novelty isn't the solution).

We all know what happened.

OP is probably a nice enough guy but in his younger days probably didn't have a lot of dating or sexual options among women.

He met his wife and connected with her and she was probably one of the first, if not the very first, women that he was actually able to develop a long term relationship with.

The relationship progressed to the point where she laid down her own ultimatum of getting married so, having no better options, and finally getting sex on a more or less regular basis, he proposed.

She had her own issues and while she may have enjoyed the early sex that wasn't really why she wanted to marry him. He didn't really set her heart or her panties all aflutter.

But, he was a nice guy, had good career prospects, and she could see he would be a reliable family man who would take care of her and the kids she wanted to have.

In his mind, he finally hit the jackpot,and probably overlooked any flaws or misgivings.

In her mind, she "settled."

Op's wife never treated him as a full partner, because in her mind, he never really was. He was simply a vehicle she chose to carry out her imagined "life plan."

Now he is an annoying inconvenience pestering him for sex that she doesn't want to have with him, and never really did.

This story is repeated over and over and over and every word is true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone in a similar situation to PP have a story for him of something that actually worked? Not what seems like it ought to work, but real life success stories? By similar situation, I think a couple of the critical variables are:

1. Kids are beyond toddler age. (So we know it's not just because little kids are exhausting & post-pregnancy hormones).

2. Long period of limited sex -- i.e. less than once a week.

3. Relationship is more than, say, 5 years (so we know that novelty isn't the solution).

Yes. Ultimatum guy here. It totally worked. My wife often thanks me for the wake up call. But even if she’d headed out the door, I would still call it a win for us both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a typical marriage especially if the kids are still young. Too tired. When kids are a bit older and wife hits midlife and her hormones will go crazy, she will want sex every night.

Kids are in middle school. I had a friend who related his mid 40s wife had a sudden surge in libido midlife and the rest if us we're looking at him like he had three heads (and won the lottery). So while that spike does happen, my sense is it's very rare.

Wife doesn't want to have sex in the morning either or mid-week unless I really push for it. As I type this, seems like the answer is fairly obvious, my marriage isn't good and probably won't last (although wife seems happy, but who knows).

I created this post to get a sense of whether the lack of sex after date night is more normal than I thought or if it's likely another red flag that I should be seeing that our marriage is likely headed to an end.

Tell her that regular sex (2x or 3x) per week is a marital deal breaker for you. This might snap her out of the tired-Mommy fog, or at least you will know that she just wants a room mate, so there’s no need to take her on dates while you accelerate the end.

Nothing says turn-on more than an ultimatum. Really, if my husband came and laid down the law like that I'd be pissed.

Their marriage is headed towards destruction anyway but I say he owes her the chance to save it. But you advise he jumps directly to the divorce/cheating stage without ever getting honest? Well OK if that’s what you prefer but I think a sexless wife deserves at least a final chance.

My point is that no sex is a symptom and not a cause. Just saying "sex or I'm leaving" would make me really mad. They need to figure out what's up in a non-confrontational situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone in a similar situation to PP have a story for him of something that actually worked? Not what seems like it ought to work, but real life success stories? By similar situation, I think a couple of the critical variables are:

1. Kids are beyond toddler age. (So we know it's not just because little kids are exhausting & post-pregnancy hormones).

2. Long period of limited sex -- i.e. less than once a week.

3. Relationship is more than, say, 5 years (so we know that novelty isn't the solution).

Yes. Ultimatum guy here. It totally worked. My wife often thanks me for the wake up call. But even if she’d headed out the door, I would still call it a win for us both.

what men like OP and various female critics don't seem to understand is that the very act of manning up and laying down that ultimatum--i.e. sex is a necessity to have a marriage, and you and your needs are NOT "an option"--is a sexual turn on to a woman--that is, if she has any remaining spark of interest at all. Or as you say--a "wake up call."

Men like OP read too many relationship books written by and for women, that simply don't work.

The bottom line OP is that if you want sex from your wife, you have to tell her that, very clearly, and indicate what consequences you will impose on her and the relationship should she continue to be non-compliant. As PP said, if that mean the end of the marriage, it would still be a win for both parties. She would be free to have no sex, and you would be free to have sex. Win win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone in a similar situation to PP have a story for him of something that actually worked? Not what seems like it ought to work, but real life success stories? By similar situation, I think a couple of the critical variables are:

1. Kids are beyond toddler age. (So we know it's not just because little kids are exhausting & post-pregnancy hormones).

2. Long period of limited sex -- i.e. less than once a week.

3. Relationship is more than, say, 5 years (so we know that novelty isn't the solution).

We all know what happened.

OP is probably a nice enough guy but in his younger days probably didn't have a lot of dating or sexual options among women.

He met his wife and connected with her and she was probably one of the first, if not the very first, women that he was actually able to develop a long term relationship with.

The relationship progressed to the point where she laid down her own ultimatum of getting married so, having no better options, and finally getting sex on a more or less regular basis, he proposed.

She had her own issues and while she may have enjoyed the early sex that wasn't really why she wanted to marry him. He didn't really set her heart or her panties all aflutter.

But, he was a nice guy, had good career prospects, and she could see he would be a reliable family man who would take care of her and the kids she wanted to have.

In his mind, he finally hit the jackpot,and probably overlooked any flaws or misgivings.

In her mind, she "settled."

Op's wife never treated him as a full partner, because in her mind, he never really was. He was simply a vehicle she chose to carry out her imagined "life plan."

Now he is an annoying inconvenience pestering him for sex that she doesn't want to have with him, and never really did.

This story is repeated over and over and over and every word is true.

Is this what happened to you? I think that you have self esteem issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What "works"?

That depends on what the objective is.

OP has to decide what he is willing to live with and how much he is willing to sacrifice, and he basically needs to put his marriage on the line, since it already is, anyway.

Either he wants to live the rest of his years in a sexless marriage, with an indifferent spouse, or he doesn't. Only three other alternatives: divorce, open marriage, or she becomes more sexually open. The choice is really hers.

The choice to continue the status quo and do nothing about it is OP's, and he needs to stop complaining about it and actually do something.

Doing something doesn't mean more chore play, and it doesn't mean more ineffectual date nights.

It means setting forth very clearly what he wants sexually from his wife, and what he is going to do if she is unwilling to have sex with him on a reasonably regular basis.

If he's not willing to do anything, other than complain, and then reward her for the sexlessness by taking her out on more dates, and doing more chores, then in ten years he will be in the same place, except older, with fewer options.

The sad part is OP's wife is probably already cheating on him, or has cheated in the past, and carrying a torch for her lover. She has "fallen out of love" with OP and that generally doesn't happen unless there is another man in the picture.

This rabbit hole is deep and the only question is whether OP has the guts to go down and explore it, wherever that leads.

All you men who think you have to “lay down the law” and “take control” are so pathetic. Yes, it’s 2018 and if a woman isn’t turned on by you she doesn’t have to just to keep a roof over her head. I guess patriarchy was invented for insecure men like you.

— DW whose husband knows how to seduce (by which I mean all of me, body and soul)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone in a similar situation to PP have a story for him of something that actually worked? Not what seems like it ought to work, but real life success stories? By similar situation, I think a couple of the critical variables are:

1. Kids are beyond toddler age. (So we know it's not just because little kids are exhausting & post-pregnancy hormones).

2. Long period of limited sex -- i.e. less than once a week.

3. Relationship is more than, say, 5 years (so we know that novelty isn't the solution).

Yes. Ultimatum guy here. It totally worked. My wife often thanks me for the wake up call. But even if she’d headed out the door, I would still call it a win for us both.

what men like OP and various female critics don't seem to understand is that the very act of manning up and laying down that ultimatum--i.e. sex is a necessity to have a marriage, and you and your needs are NOT "an option"--is a sexual turn on to a woman--that is, if she has any remaining spark of interest at all. Or as you say--a "wake up call."

Men like OP read too many relationship books written by and for women, that simply don't work.

The bottom line OP is that if you want sex from your wife, you have to tell her that, very clearly, and indicate what consequences you will impose on her and the relationship should she continue to be non-compliant. As PP said, if that mean the end of the marriage, it would still be a win for both parties. She would be free to have no sex, and you would be free to have sex. Win win.

LOL how much did you pay the guy in the infomercial to sell you this secret key to women’s desire?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone in a similar situation to PP have a story for him of something that actually worked? Not what seems like it ought to work, but real life success stories? By similar situation, I think a couple of the critical variables are:

1. Kids are beyond toddler age. (So we know it's not just because little kids are exhausting & post-pregnancy hormones).

2. Long period of limited sex -- i.e. less than once a week.

3. Relationship is more than, say, 5 years (so we know that novelty isn't the solution).

Yes. Ultimatum guy here. It totally worked. My wife often thanks me for the wake up call. But even if she’d headed out the door, I would still call it a win for us both.

what men like OP and various female critics don't seem to understand is that the very act of manning up and laying down that ultimatum--i.e. sex is a necessity to have a marriage, and you and your needs are NOT "an option"--is a sexual turn on to a woman--that is, if she has any remaining spark of interest at all. Or as you say--a "wake up call."

Men like OP read too many relationship books written by and for women, that simply don't work.

The bottom line OP is that if you want sex from your wife, you have to tell her that, very clearly, and indicate what consequences you will impose on her and the relationship should she continue to be non-compliant. As PP said, if that mean the end of the marriage, it would still be a win for both parties. She would be free to have no sex, and you would be free to have sex. Win win.

Wives are neither children nor pets. If you're treating them that paternalistically, maybe we know why you're not having any sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a typical marriage especially if the kids are still young. Too tired. When kids are a bit older and wife hits midlife and her hormones will go crazy, she will want sex every night.

Kids are in middle school. I had a friend who related his mid 40s wife had a sudden surge in libido midlife and the rest if us we're looking at him like he had three heads (and won the lottery). So while that spike does happen, my sense is it's very rare.

Wife doesn't want to have sex in the morning either or mid-week unless I really push for it. As I type this, seems like the answer is fairly obvious, my marriage isn't good and probably won't last (although wife seems happy, but who knows).

I created this post to get a sense of whether the lack of sex after date night is more normal than I thought or if it's likely another red flag that I should be seeing that our marriage is likely headed to an end.

Tell her that regular sex (2x or 3x) per week is a marital deal breaker for you. This might snap her out of the tired-Mommy fog, or at least you will know that she just wants a room mate, so there’s no need to take her on dates while you accelerate the end.

Nothing says turn-on more than an ultimatum. Really, if my husband came and laid down the law like that I'd be pissed.

Their marriage is headed towards destruction anyway but I say he owes her the chance to save it. But you advise he jumps directly to the divorce/cheating stage without ever getting honest? Well OK if that’s what you prefer but I think a sexless wife deserves at least a final chance.

My point is that no sex is a symptom and not a cause. Just saying "sex or I'm leaving" would make me really mad. They need to figure out what's up in a non-confrontational situation.

No sex is not just a "symptom." Nor is it a cause. It is the problem. No sex is the problem. The OP said it.

You can rationalize it all you want--the same way many non-sexual wives try to--but the problem is no sex.

Also, your response that him saying "No sex or I'm leaving" would make you really mad, is also typical of the privileged mentality that many wives seem to have. It would make you mad if your husband honestly expressed his expectations for the marriage, and the consequences should those expectations not be met?

Your getting mad is simply a form of emotional blackmail in response to the husband's honest expression of the situation from his perspective and the consequence of it not being satisfactorily resolved.

Get mad all you want. When you are done getting mad, what do you think that your getting mad accomplished?

Obviously you must think that your getting mad would influence the spouse to back down on his ultimatum. I.E. emotional blackmail, but with the net outcome of no sex.

So that wouldn't solve the problem, it would simply continue the problem.

Instead of getting mad, if your spouse tells you he needs more sex, your obligation as a spouse who wants the marriage to continue is to have sex with your spouse.

I think you can carve out 15 minutes from your day 2 -3 times per week to have sex with the person you married.

Anyone who doesn't is an unreasonable loon.