Intimate after date night

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Serious question for women - and I am one. If you’re in a generally happy marriage do you not have sex with your husband once or twice a week? If not, why not?

We don't want it that often and prioritize sleep over it.

That’s fine, while he priortizes sex over monogamy.

By "we", I mean my DH and I. We have three young kids. We're just tired.

[Anonymous]

Haven’t read this thread, but our solution is to do it at the beginning of date night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The whole point of date night is that someone else puts my kids to bed (a chore I find draining). Nothing is sexier than not putting my kids to bed. Throw is a glass of wine and I think your wife is wrong. - also a 40yr old mom of 2 kids under 5.

OP's kids are in middle school, I believe. So consistently sleeping after date night is more of a red flag.

[Anonymous]

Always after date night. We have a 3 year old and a 1 year old. Our “date night” is dropping the kids to grandma’s and coming back to the house. We come back to the house and spend a couple of hours drinking wine and having sex. If there’s enough time afterwards, we’ll go grab a quick bite to eat before picking up the kids. DW here and Often times, I will just set up a nice cheese/fruit board for us to enjoy after so we dont feel rushed picking up the kids.

[Anonymous]

Here’s a thread with dome clues as to what women appreciate in bed. Especially towards the end.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/787620.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, some good suggestions. To answer a few questions:

No, she wasn't my first, not even close. I had lots of experience, she had some too probably similar. Sex was plentiful early, dropped down to 2-3x a week before kids but still adventerous enough and that frequency is totally fine by me.

Once the newborn came, it died down to 1-2x a month. I have put up with this for 10+ years because in my mind it was all temporary. Just the pregnancy/ newborn/ toddler/ elementary school years. Or she was on birth control, maybe if I got snipped, which I did. But yet no real uptake.

At the risk of being arrogant, it's not me as I am in shape, successful, conventionally attractive, wear nice clothes to work and all that. That I get a fair amount of female attention helps sooth the wife's rejection.

I don't feel trapped, I could leave tomorrow but I don't want to shred my family up over this. I sometimes wonder if women like my wife just assume I will cheat and if they are fine with that, sort of turning a blind eye and keeping up the lifestyle rather than have sex they don't want to have. Its a dangerous question to ask, but at the same time, she is smart enough to know 2x a month duty sex is pathetic and will make a man's eye wander.

One post upstream asked a good question, whether anyone has actually counselled or talked or ultimatmed their partner back into a healthy sex life. I am interested as well if that is even possible.

It's possible but she's gotten comfortable with who she is and her situation. Her reaction to your attempts to discuss the situation are planned and designed to shut you down. You need to create a situation where there are no excuses and no distractions. No kids around or chance of waking them. Then you need to tell her you need to talk to her. Before you start, tell her you have something to say and ask her not to interrupt you until you are done because it's very important and you don't want to get sidetracked or lose your train of thought.

Think about what it is you want to say and how you want to say it. You don't want to threaten but at the same time she needs to understand that things as they stand in the marriage are not working for you. Be sure to say calm. Think about alternatives you are willing to try (counseling, etc). Do not let her go down the tears route, the shitfit route or the fine, let's have sex now route. When she gives you the "fine, let's get it over with" respond with "honey, when we are done, I'd be thrilled to make love to you but we need to discuss this first and I need you to give me honest answers to my question." remain calm at all times and when she gets upset, remind her that you are just trying to have a discussion. She needs to understand that this status quo isn't going to stand. She needs to know that you are at least considering moving on to find a partner that is more sexually compatible if she's unwilling to change. The key is finding the proper way to say that with making it sound like a threat or an ultimatum. Let her know how her rejection makes you feel. Maybe tell her that you need to have this talk now because over time it's become more difficult to ignore other women showing interest and you were raised correctly and you don't ever want to do that to her or the children. That you got the vasectomy thinking that might help but that you have run out of options and you are at a crossroads. You can't go on innthis fashion and that we have to figure a way forward.

[Anonymous]

Why is everything so contrived? If it happens it happens, if not stop trying to doom your marriage. When you start expecting the spouse to do this and that at a given time...you're setting yourself up.

It's no where near indicative of "the beginning of the end". I see a lot of self defeating behavior on these forums.

Seriously stop over valuing one thing in a good marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, some good suggestions. To answer a few questions:

No, she wasn't my first, not even close. I had lots of experience, she had some too probably similar. Sex was plentiful early, dropped down to 2-3x a week before kids but still adventerous enough and that frequency is totally fine by me.

Once the newborn came, it died down to 1-2x a month. I have put up with this for 10+ years because in my mind it was all temporary. Just the pregnancy/ newborn/ toddler/ elementary school years. Or she was on birth control, maybe if I got snipped, which I did. But yet no real uptake.

At the risk of being arrogant, it's not me as I am in shape, successful, conventionally attractive, wear nice clothes to work and all that. That I get a fair amount of female attention helps sooth the wife's rejection.

I don't feel trapped, I could leave tomorrow but I don't want to shred my family up over this. I sometimes wonder if women like my wife just assume I will cheat and if they are fine with that, sort of turning a blind eye and keeping up the lifestyle rather than have sex they don't want to have. Its a dangerous question to ask, but at the same time, she is smart enough to know 2x a month duty sex is pathetic and will make a man's eye wander.

One post upstream asked a good question, whether anyone has actually counselled or talked or ultimatmed their partner back into a healthy sex life. I am interested as well if that is even possible.

It's possible but she's gotten comfortable with who she is and her situation. Her reaction to your attempts to discuss the situation are planned and designed to shut you down. You need to create a situation where there are no excuses and no distractions. No kids around or chance of waking them. Then you need to tell her you need to talk to her. Before you start, tell her you have something to say and ask her not to interrupt you until you are done because it's very important and you don't want to get sidetracked or lose your train of thought.

Think about what it is you want to say and how you want to say it. You don't want to threaten but at the same time she needs to understand that things as they stand in the marriage are not working for you. Be sure to say calm. Think about alternatives you are willing to try (counseling, etc). Do not let her go down the tears route, the shitfit route or the fine, let's have sex now route. When she gives you the "fine, let's get it over with" respond with "honey, when we are done, I'd be thrilled to make love to you but we need to discuss this first and I need you to give me honest answers to my question." remain calm at all times and when she gets upset, remind her that you are just trying to have a discussion. She needs to understand that this status quo isn't going to stand. She needs to know that you are at least considering moving on to find a partner that is more sexually compatible if she's unwilling to change. The key is finding the proper way to say that with making it sound like a threat or an ultimatum. Let her know how her rejection makes you feel. Maybe tell her that you need to have this talk now because over time it's become more difficult to ignore other women showing interest and you were raised correctly and you don't ever want to do that to her or the children. That you got the vasectomy thinking that might help but that you have run out of options and you are at a crossroads. You can't go on innthis fashion and that we have to figure a way forward.

Don't forget to be prepared for her to bring up your shortcomings, or ways you've neglected her. Equally important in the marriage.

You'll need to understand the status quo isn't going to stand. And if you expect positive change you also need to do the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Always after date night. We have a 3 year old and a 1 year old. Our “date night” is dropping the kids to grandma’s and coming back to the house. We come back to the house and spend a couple of hours drinking wine and having sex. If there’s enough time afterwards, we’ll go grab a quick bite to eat before picking up the kids. DW here and Often times, I will just set up a nice cheese/fruit board for us to enjoy after so we dont feel rushed picking up the kids.

Same here. Our kids are 3 and 6 now, but we drop them off at their friends, family member's house, or our church's parents' night out and come back home. Wine and cheese, takeout, or a quick dinner after. So it's during date night I guess?

We went through a dry spell when the kids were younger, and it caused a ton of tension. Aging, working mom stress, frequent illness of the daycare years, and some unspoken resentments...all added up to me really wanting alone time before bed and his advances were an affront to that. I felt like during my waking hours, there was never a moment where someone wasn't needing something from me. I heard Esther Perel talking about how when your partner wants to have sex with you, it's an invitation to connect with that version of yourself. I thought about what it meant to deny myself that, and how lonely it probably felt for him to not have it, either. It opened up conversations and I was honest that I needed a couple nights a week where it was off the table, no pressure. Just having the promise of those nights to myself changed things for me. It ultimately wasn't about choreplay or date nights or not being the default parent - I try to separate those things from our intimate time. It's not always perfect but it's improved a lot and I don't foresee any extended dry spells. Also: weed is a wonder drug that has further helped me be in the moment with DH. Recommend.