Intimate after date night

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife’s love language is sleep. Actually, it is acts of service too, and here is how that works: many acts of service I do, she doesn’t even notice. The other ones I do, she often notes only happened after she complained about them. So I can’t win.

My love language is physical touch, and we are sexless. We touch, caress, kiss, but the line is drawn at sex. No interest from her (55). FML

Classic. +1

So much all of this.

Also, is iPhone a love language?

[Anonymous]

Date night is overrated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a woman, and while I disagree with the undertones of 7:32’s post, I also don’t like the concept of “date night” for married couples as it seems to exacerbate a lot of issues, and I agree that you should unlink sex from going out as a couple.

You should be doing both regularly, to maintain different parts of your relationship, but unless there is a communicated underlying reason, you should be having sex more than once a week (or however often you go out).

Have you had a clothed, non-confrontational conversation about what that underlying issue is? Have you jointly taken any steps to mitigate it? No results? Time for another clothed, non-confrontational conversation...

To a point. If you get to the point where the excuses keep coming, or the problem is addressed but the sex still isn’t coming (within reason), you need to decide what you want to do with the rest of your life.

I’m sorry you are dealing with this...

OP here, the reason I mention date night with the potential of sex is because, for example, if I initiate mid week after kids in bed she claims it's tough to transition from Mom to wife and needs time to feel connected. So date night in theory should give us time to reconnect, to be playful, have a drink, separate kids out, etc. But that doesn't work either.

[Anonymous]

OP is a drama llama.

[Anonymous]

We do weekly date night but the most "successful" ones are when we stay in and have wine and a movie. If we go out, more likely to eat/drink too much or stay out too late. Hotel overnights are also good, but not something we can do often.

[Anonymous]

OP that’s crap. Mid 40s wife here married 15 years and still have great sex on date nights and non date nights as well. Avg about 4x/week. We have four kids.
What was your sex life like when you first got together?

[Anonymous]

Mid 40s wife here. We almost always have sex after date night and have sex 2-3x per week regardless of date night or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a woman, and while I disagree with the undertones of 7:32’s post, I also don’t like the concept of “date night” for married couples as it seems to exacerbate a lot of issues, and I agree that you should unlink sex from going out as a couple.

You should be doing both regularly, to maintain different parts of your relationship, but unless there is a communicated underlying reason, you should be having sex more than once a week (or however often you go out).

Have you had a clothed, non-confrontational conversation about what that underlying issue is? Have you jointly taken any steps to mitigate it? No results? Time for another clothed, non-confrontational conversation...

To a point. If you get to the point where the excuses keep coming, or the problem is addressed but the sex still isn’t coming (within reason), you need to decide what you want to do with the rest of your life.

I’m sorry you are dealing with this...

OP here, the reason I mention date night with the potential of sex is because, for example, if I initiate mid week after kids in bed she claims it's tough to transition from Mom to wife and needs time to feel connected. So date night in theory should give us time to reconnect, to be playful, have a drink, separate kids out, etc. But that doesn't work either.

It sounds like date night isn't working. Maybe she's not into the performance. What if you played Monopoly in your PJs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP that’s crap. Mid 40s wife here married 15 years and still have great sex on date nights and non date nights as well. Avg about 4x/week. We have four kids.
What was your sex life like when you first got together?

Sex life was great when we first got together. And when married. Died off when kids came and never really came back. Yes, we have toys, she will use one and can finish. But she is never, ever in the mood, no desire to talk about it. If we have the clothed conversation she will either cry or get huffy and turn it into "ok fine lets just do it now then."

I get her libido is way lower, I don't get why it wouldn't occur to her to do something nice for me once in a while even if she wasn't in the mood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife here. If we have a special evening, or I know DH is wanting it, I make a point to be available. I went through a horrible menopause, he was patient, and now that things are better for me, we are back to 2 times a week.

What helped you overcome menopause symptoms? HRT?

NP. premeria. OB/GYN prescribed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a woman, and while I disagree with the undertones of 7:32’s post, I also don’t like the concept of “date night” for married couples as it seems to exacerbate a lot of issues, and I agree that you should unlink sex from going out as a couple.

You should be doing both regularly, to maintain different parts of your relationship, but unless there is a communicated underlying reason, you should be having sex more than once a week (or however often you go out).

Have you had a clothed, non-confrontational conversation about what that underlying issue is? Have you jointly taken any steps to mitigate it? No results? Time for another clothed, non-confrontational conversation...

To a point. If you get to the point where the excuses keep coming, or the problem is addressed but the sex still isn’t coming (within reason), you need to decide what you want to do with the rest of your life.

I’m sorry you are dealing with this...

OP here, the reason I mention date night with the potential of sex is because, for example, if I initiate mid week after kids in bed she claims it's tough to transition from Mom to wife and needs time to feel connected. So date night in theory should give us time to reconnect, to be playful, have a drink, separate kids out, etc. But that doesn't work either.

I hate to say this, but some women really appreciate chore play. She might be exhausted because once the kids go to bed she does the dishes and straightens up the house before she is able to go to bed. And it would make many women resentful of their husbands if he doesn’t help take some of this off her plate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife’s love language is sleep. Actually, it is acts of service too, and here is how that works: many acts of service I do, she doesn’t even notice. The other ones I do, she often notes only happened after she complained about them. So I can’t win.

My love language is physical touch, and we are sexless. We touch, caress, kiss, but the line is drawn at sex. No interest from her (55). FML

Your wife has opened your marriage. Sex is part of a healthy relationship. Since she won’t participate, then you are free to go elsewhere. She doesn’t get to impart her celibacy on you. Explain your position once last time and then move forward with a fulfilling life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have a sitter: sex before the date. Do it in the shower/bathroom standing if you’re self conscious about the bed making noise.

If kids are sleeping away: morning sex the day after.

You could also come home earlier (but after kids are asleep). We get home past my usual bedtime on date night. Between the wine and food, plus a long day at work (we do Fridays), I can’t muster the energy at 11pm. We started getting home around 9:30 and I’m still good for sex.

This solution, and others like it, only will work if OP's wife actually wants to have sex with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a woman, and while I disagree with the undertones of 7:32’s post, I also don’t like the concept of “date night” for married couples as it seems to exacerbate a lot of issues, and I agree that you should unlink sex from going out as a couple.

You should be doing both regularly, to maintain different parts of your relationship, but unless there is a communicated underlying reason, you should be having sex more than once a week (or however often you go out).

Have you had a clothed, non-confrontational conversation about what that underlying issue is? Have you jointly taken any steps to mitigate it? No results? Time for another clothed, non-confrontational conversation...

To a point. If you get to the point where the excuses keep coming, or the problem is addressed but the sex still isn’t coming (within reason), you need to decide what you want to do with the rest of your life.

I’m sorry you are dealing with this...

OP here, the reason I mention date night with the potential of sex is because, for example, if I initiate mid week after kids in bed she claims it's tough to transition from Mom to wife and needs time to feel connected. So date night in theory should give us time to reconnect, to be playful, have a drink, separate kids out, etc. But that doesn't work either.

I hate to say this, but some women really appreciate chore play. She might be exhausted because once the kids go to bed she does the dishes and straightens up the house before she is able to go to bed. And it would make many women resentful of their husbands if he doesn’t help take some of this off her plate.

Please. Not this tired excuse again. Anything OP does will result in her being “too tired”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife’s love language is sleep. Actually, it is acts of service too, and here is how that works: many acts of service I do, she doesn’t even notice. The other ones I do, she often notes only happened after she complained about them. So I can’t win.

My love language is physical touch, and we are sexless. We touch, caress, kiss, but the line is drawn at sex. No interest from her (55). FML

Classic. +1

So much all of this.

Also, is iPhone a love language?

What exactly is she doing with the IPhone? (I assume it is set to "vibrate".)