Intimate after date night

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless husbands are total assholes I have trouble understanding women who don’t occasionally have sex even if they aren’t in the mood. My libido is lower than my DH’s, he’s a good partner and a great dad. Sometimes he’ll initiate and while I’m not in the mood I can “fake it till I make it.” I don’t fake orgasms but I can be an enthusiastic partner even if I’m not initially into it. I do it bc it’s important to him and I love him.

I do this but it’s a drag and I’d rather watch Netflix.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP that’s crap. Mid 40s wife here married 15 years and still have great sex on date nights and non date nights as well. Avg about 4x/week. We have four kids.
What was your sex life like when you first got together?

Sex life was great when we first got together. And when married. Died off when kids came and never really came back. Yes, we have toys, she will use one and can finish. But she is never, ever in the mood, no desire to talk about it. If we have the clothed conversation she will either cry or get huffy and turn it into "ok fine lets just do it now then."

I get her libido is way lower, I don't get why it wouldn't occur to her to do something nice for me once in a while even if she wasn't in the mood.

This sounds a lot like my marriage. It's not good, but it's not necessarily a red flag about your relationship unless sex is a deal breaker for you. (And it may very well be a deal breaker, and there is no shame in that -- sex is important.) But the thing to keep in mind is that her not wanting to have sex with you, while it sucks immensely, is not necessarily a reflection of whether she loves you or not. I've been there. I know how tempting it is to feel like if my wife loved me, she'd want to have sex with me. That's just not necessarily so -- much as I would like it.

In my case, I've never found choreplay or date nights or "clothed conversations" to move the needle at all with respect to sexual frequency. These people who think they have the answers don't. How many of the people here telling you to have conversations can actually say "our sex life sucked, one of us never ever wanted to have sex, but then we talked about it, and now our sex life is frequent and rewarding"? They're just telling you what seems like ought to work. But, in reality, they don't often work. I mean, if you haven't ever talked to her about it, then tell her. But you don't need to talk about it more than 3 or 4 times. If nothing has changed after that, it's not because you're not talking enough. At that point, she knows, she just can't or won't change.

If there is something problematic in your relationship other than sex that you two need to work on, then by all means, work on them. Work on yourself just because making yourself better is a good thing to do. But don't carry around an unrealistic expectation that any of it is going to make your wife hot for you. The reality is that's probably not going to happen. And, while sad, I think this is a fairly normal state of affairs for a long-time married couple. Hormones just don't cooperate. Make your peace with it or end the marriage. There's good and bad to both courses of action.

OP here, thanks and what you wrote resonated. You are right, it's been going on for more than a decade so it's not likely to get better ( I assume it will only get worse as we age). I'd hate to break up my family over this, I'd like to think we could figure out a compromise and I am totally game for alternative arrangements

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a woman, and while I disagree with the undertones of 7:32’s post, I also don’t like the concept of “date night” for married couples as it seems to exacerbate a lot of issues, and I agree that you should unlink sex from going out as a couple.

You should be doing both regularly, to maintain different parts of your relationship, but unless there is a communicated underlying reason, you should be having sex more than once a week (or however often you go out).

Have you had a clothed, non-confrontational conversation about what that underlying issue is? Have you jointly taken any steps to mitigate it? No results? Time for another clothed, non-confrontational conversation...

To a point. If you get to the point where the excuses keep coming, or the problem is addressed but the sex still isn’t coming (within reason), you need to decide what you want to do with the rest of your life.

I’m sorry you are dealing with this...

OP here, the reason I mention date night with the potential of sex is because, for example, if I initiate mid week after kids in bed she claims it's tough to transition from Mom to wife and needs time to feel connected. So date night in theory should give us time to reconnect, to be playful, have a drink, separate kids out, etc. But that doesn't work either.

Have you tried “Why don’t you go taje a warm bath/shower while I finish up the dishes?” Bath/shower is so relaxing, and nudity also helps getting in the right frame of mind. As long as I didn’t have work to do after the kids went to bed, a 30-45 minute bath would do wonders to put me in the mood.

[Anonymous]

Isn’t that what date night is for?

[Anonymous]

Also, have you not heard of Dan Savage’s Valentines Day advice to “f*** first”? A tiring night out or a full stomach or too much alcohol can all ruin the experience post-date night. This the suggestion to do it before you go out.

Honestly, our date nights are mostly designed to get to have adult conversations without a child asking what we’re talking about and generally butting in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a typical marriage especially if the kids are still young. Too tired. When kids are a bit older and wife hits midlife and her hormones will go crazy, she will want sex every night.

Kids are in middle school. I had a friend who related his mid 40s wife had a sudden surge in libido midlife and the rest if us we're looking at him like he had three heads (and won the lottery). So while that spike does happen, my sense is it's very rare.

Wife doesn't want to have sex in the morning either or mid-week unless I really push for it. As I type this, seems like the answer is fairly obvious, my marriage isn't good and probably won't last (although wife seems happy, but who knows).

I created this post to get a sense of whether the lack of sex after date night is more normal than I thought or if it's likely another red flag that I should be seeing that our marriage is likely headed to an end.

Tell her that regular sex (2x or 3x) per week is a marital deal breaker for you. This might snap her out of the tired-Mommy fog, or at least you will know that she just wants a room mate, so there’s no need to take her on dates while you accelerate the end.

Nothing says turn-on more than an ultimatum. Really, if my husband came and laid down the law like that I'd be pissed.

Why would you be pissed?

Are you anti-sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a typical marriage especially if the kids are still young. Too tired. When kids are a bit older and wife hits midlife and her hormones will go crazy, she will want sex every night.

Kids are in middle school. I had a friend who related his mid 40s wife had a sudden surge in libido midlife and the rest if us we're looking at him like he had three heads (and won the lottery). So while that spike does happen, my sense is it's very rare.

Wife doesn't want to have sex in the morning either or mid-week unless I really push for it. As I type this, seems like the answer is fairly obvious, my marriage isn't good and probably won't last (although wife seems happy, but who knows).

I created this post to get a sense of whether the lack of sex after date night is more normal than I thought or if it's likely another red flag that I should be seeing that our marriage is likely headed to an end.

Tell her that regular sex (2x or 3x) per week is a marital deal breaker for you. This might snap her out of the tired-Mommy fog, or at least you will know that she just wants a room mate, so there’s no need to take her on dates while you accelerate the end.

Nothing says turn-on more than an ultimatum. Really, if my husband came and laid down the law like that I'd be pissed.

Why would you be pissed?

Are you anti-sex?

Not at all anti-sex; anti-ultimatum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless husbands are total assholes I have trouble understanding women who don’t occasionally have sex even if they aren’t in the mood. My libido is lower than my DH’s, he’s a good partner and a great dad. Sometimes he’ll initiate and while I’m not in the mood I can “fake it till I make it.” I don’t fake orgasms but I can be an enthusiastic partner even if I’m not initially into it. I do it bc it’s important to him and I love him.

I 100% agree with this and have said the same on here before. It’s more important to him then it is to me but I do it sometimes when I’m not in the mood because he’s my husband and I love and respect him and our relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless husbands are total assholes I have trouble understanding women who don’t occasionally have sex even if they aren’t in the mood. My libido is lower than my DH’s, he’s a good partner and a great dad. Sometimes he’ll initiate and while I’m not in the mood I can “fake it till I make it.” I don’t fake orgasms but I can be an enthusiastic partner even if I’m not initially into it. I do it bc it’s important to him and I love him.

Even if the husband is an a-hole, how does that translate to a wife believing that not having sex with him is a good idea?

Presumably you married the guy with an awareness of his strengths and weaknesses, and presumably, sex was part of the marital understanding.

If your husband was being an a-hole, would that justify letting the kitchen garbage overflow, or letting the dog poop all over the couch, and not cleaning up after it?

"I'm not going to clean up that dog poop because my husband is an a-hole."

"I'm not going to empty the kitchen garbage can because my husband is an a-hole."

You're supposed to have sex with someone because in the first place you married them because you liked to have sex with them.

You shouldn't have married them if you didn't like to have sex with them.

If you never liked to have sex with them but pretended otherwise, why is that your partner's fault?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a typical marriage especially if the kids are still young. Too tired. When kids are a bit older and wife hits midlife and her hormones will go crazy, she will want sex every night.

Kids are in middle school. I had a friend who related his mid 40s wife had a sudden surge in libido midlife and the rest if us we're looking at him like he had three heads (and won the lottery). So while that spike does happen, my sense is it's very rare.

Wife doesn't want to have sex in the morning either or mid-week unless I really push for it. As I type this, seems like the answer is fairly obvious, my marriage isn't good and probably won't last (although wife seems happy, but who knows).

I created this post to get a sense of whether the lack of sex after date night is more normal than I thought or if it's likely another red flag that I should be seeing that our marriage is likely headed to an end.

Tell her that regular sex (2x or 3x) per week is a marital deal breaker for you. This might snap her out of the tired-Mommy fog, or at least you will know that she just wants a room mate, so there’s no need to take her on dates while you accelerate the end.

Nothing says turn-on more than an ultimatum. Really, if my husband came and laid down the law like that I'd be pissed.

Why would you be pissed?

Are you anti-sex?

Not at all anti-sex; anti-ultimatum.

Does the same apply in reverse though?

It's not the sex you're against, but the giving of ultimatums?

So--let's say you caught him cheating, and his excuse was he didn't think you were having enough sex with him--you agree it would be unfair of you to give him an "ulimatum" to stop cheating on you?

If you're consistent about these things, then maybe you have a point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a woman, and while I disagree with the undertones of 7:32’s post, I also don’t like the concept of “date night” for married couples as it seems to exacerbate a lot of issues, and I agree that you should unlink sex from going out as a couple.

You should be doing both regularly, to maintain different parts of your relationship, but unless there is a communicated underlying reason, you should be having sex more than once a week (or however often you go out).

Have you had a clothed, non-confrontational conversation about what that underlying issue is? Have you jointly taken any steps to mitigate it? No results? Time for another clothed, non-confrontational conversation...

To a point. If you get to the point where the excuses keep coming, or the problem is addressed but the sex still isn’t coming (within reason), you need to decide what you want to do with the rest of your life.

I’m sorry you are dealing with this...

OP here, the reason I mention date night with the potential of sex is because, for example, if I initiate mid week after kids in bed she claims it's tough to transition from Mom to wife and needs time to feel connected. So date night in theory should give us time to reconnect, to be playful, have a drink, separate kids out, etc. But that doesn't work either.

Have you tried “Why don’t you go taje a warm bath/shower while I finish up the dishes?” Bath/shower is so relaxing, and nudity also helps getting in the right frame of mind. As long as I didn’t have work to do after the kids went to bed, a 30-45 minute bath would do wonders to put me in the mood.

That would just make most people go to sleep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP that’s crap. Mid 40s wife here married 15 years and still have great sex on date nights and non date nights as well. Avg about 4x/week. We have four kids.
What was your sex life like when you first got together?

Sex life was great when we first got together. And when married. Died off when kids came and never really came back. Yes, we have toys, she will use one and can finish. But she is never, ever in the mood, no desire to talk about it. If we have the clothed conversation she will either cry or get huffy and turn it into "ok fine lets just do it now then."

I get her libido is way lower, I don't get why it wouldn't occur to her to do something nice for me once in a while even if she wasn't in the mood.

This sounds a lot like my marriage. It's not good, but it's not necessarily a red flag about your relationship unless sex is a deal breaker for you. (And it may very well be a deal breaker, and there is no shame in that -- sex is important.) But the thing to keep in mind is that her not wanting to have sex with you, while it sucks immensely, is not necessarily a reflection of whether she loves you or not. I've been there. I know how tempting it is to feel like if my wife loved me, she'd want to have sex with me. That's just not necessarily so -- much as I would like it.

In my case, I've never found choreplay or date nights or "clothed conversations" to move the needle at all with respect to sexual frequency. These people who think they have the answers don't. How many of the people here telling you to have conversations can actually say "our sex life sucked, one of us never ever wanted to have sex, but then we talked about it, and now our sex life is frequent and rewarding"? They're just telling you what seems like ought to work. But, in reality, they don't often work. I mean, if you haven't ever talked to her about it, then tell her. But you don't need to talk about it more than 3 or 4 times. If nothing has changed after that, it's not because you're not talking enough. At that point, she knows, she just can't or won't change.

If there is something problematic in your relationship other than sex that you two need to work on, then by all means, work on them. Work on yourself just because making yourself better is a good thing to do. But don't carry around an unrealistic expectation that any of it is going to make your wife hot for you. The reality is that's probably not going to happen. And, while sad, I think this is a fairly normal state of affairs for a long-time married couple. Hormones just don't cooperate. Make your peace with it or end the marriage. There's good and bad to both courses of action.

OP here, thanks and what you wrote resonated. You are right, it's been going on for more than a decade so it's not likely to get better ( I assume it will only get worse as we age). I'd hate to break up my family over this, I'd like to think we could figure out a compromise and I am totally game for alternative arrangements

The obvious question here is why have you been putting up with this for over ten years; but having put up with it, and thus firmly established the dysfunctional relationship behavior pattern of inadequate sex, do you understand you have to change your behavior, perhaps radically so, in order to have any chance of changing your wife's behavior?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless husbands are total assholes I have trouble understanding women who don’t occasionally have sex even if they aren’t in the mood. My libido is lower than my DH’s, he’s a good partner and a great dad. Sometimes he’ll initiate and while I’m not in the mood I can “fake it till I make it.” I don’t fake orgasms but I can be an enthusiastic partner even if I’m not initially into it. I do it bc it’s important to him and I love him.

I do this but it’s a drag and I’d rather watch Netflix.

Netflix and chill?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless husbands are total assholes I have trouble understanding women who don’t occasionally have sex even if they aren’t in the mood. My libido is lower than my DH’s, he’s a good partner and a great dad. Sometimes he’ll initiate and while I’m not in the mood I can “fake it till I make it.” I don’t fake orgasms but I can be an enthusiastic partner even if I’m not initially into it. I do it bc it’s important to him and I love him.

I 100% agree with this and have said the same on here before. It’s more important to him then it is to me but I do it sometimes when I’m not in the mood because he’s my husband and I love and respect him and our relationship.

+1. But it doesn’t seem to go both ways. He won’t fake it when I’m in the mood and he’s not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she's playful out in public then hike up her dress out in public dude. Find a secluded spot.

I would love it if my husband did this! Men need to be more aggressive.

Are you serious? I'm curious - is there any way your husband would even begin to think this was okay? I mean, great if you're that sexual, but you understand that for most husbands, the risk of rejection/scolding/scorn far outweighs the reward?