Intimate after date night

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wife here. If we have a special evening, or I know DH is wanting it, I make a point to be available. I went through a horrible menopause, he was patient, and now that things are better for me, we are back to 2 times a week.

What helped you overcome menopause symptoms? HRT?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a typical marriage especially if the kids are still young. Too tired. When kids are a bit older and wife hits midlife and her hormones will go crazy, she will want sex every night.

Kids are in middle school. I had a friend who related his mid 40s wife had a sudden surge in libido midlife and the rest if us we're looking at him like he had three heads (and won the lottery). So while that spike does happen, my sense is it's very rare.

Wife doesn't want to have sex in the morning either or mid-week unless I really push for it. As I type this, seems like the answer is fairly obvious, my marriage isn't good and probably won't last (although wife seems happy, but who knows).

I created this post to get a sense of whether the lack of sex after date night is more normal than I thought or if it's likely another red flag that I should be seeing that our marriage is likely headed to an end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a typical marriage especially if the kids are still young. Too tired. When kids are a bit older and wife hits midlife and her hormones will go crazy, she will want sex every night.

Kids are in middle school. I had a friend who related his mid 40s wife had a sudden surge in libido midlife and the rest if us we're looking at him like he had three heads (and won the lottery). So while that spike does happen, my sense is it's very rare.

Wife doesn't want to have sex in the morning either or mid-week unless I really push for it. As I type this, seems like the answer is fairly obvious, my marriage isn't good and probably won't last (although wife seems happy, but who knows).

I created this post to get a sense of whether the lack of sex after date night is more normal than I thought or if it's likely another red flag that I should be seeing that our marriage is likely headed to an end.

So what did she say when you talked with her about it...when you asked about why you two aren’t having sex after your date? What was that conversation like?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a typical marriage especially if the kids are still young. Too tired. When kids are a bit older and wife hits midlife and her hormones will go crazy, she will want sex every night.

Kids are in middle school. I had a friend who related his mid 40s wife had a sudden surge in libido midlife and the rest if us we're looking at him like he had three heads (and won the lottery). So while that spike does happen, my sense is it's very rare.

Wife doesn't want to have sex in the morning either or mid-week unless I really push for it. As I type this, seems like the answer is fairly obvious, my marriage isn't good and probably won't last (although wife seems happy, but who knows).

I created this post to get a sense of whether the lack of sex after date night is more normal than I thought or if it's likely another red flag that I should be seeing that our marriage is likely headed to an end.

The whole notion of "date night" as some kind of prerequisite to having sex with one's wife is in my opinion completely dysfunctional and part of the problem. However, I know it's a common idea and one that you probably read in some kind of relationship book or a therapist told you should do.

Sex life is lackluster? Take her out on a DATE!

Because, as we all know, it's completely healthy and normal for a relationship between a man and a woman to establish a quid pro quo of the woman "giving the man sex" in exchange for a nice dinner in a restaurant.

If you want to take your wife out on a "date"--and I hate the use of that word in connection with long-married couples going out, because it's not a "date"--a date is a courtship ritual, and you are not courting someone that you're already married to--then go out to a restaurant or whatever it is you want to do. Have fun.

Why, in your mind at least, is taking your wife out to dinner linked to having sex with her?

It's certainly not linked in HER mind in that manner. Is it?

If you want to have sex with her, then initiate sex with her. Morning, noon, or night. Whenever you want to. If she rejects you, it's not because you didn't take her out to dinner first.

It's because she doesn't want to have sex with you.

You've allowed your marriage to disintegrate to the point where sex with her spouse is far down on the list of priorities your wife has, it's probably not even there at all, and it's just a favor she does for you if she feels like it, but she never feels like it.

She manipulates you by withholding sex, not by having sex with you. If she actually had sex with you on a more frequent basis, then she would lose control over you.

So she doesn't.

Stop having date nights.

I'll bet you do lots of chores around the house too, with the expectation that somehow it will improve your sex life.

That won't work either.

You need to completely re-set your relationship with your wife somehow.

You can start by stop taking her out on "dates", and never use the terminology "date night" ever again.

[Anonymous]

I’m a woman, and while I disagree with the undertones of 7:32’s post, I also don’t like the concept of “date night” for married couples as it seems to exacerbate a lot of issues, and I agree that you should unlink sex from going out as a couple.

You should be doing both regularly, to maintain different parts of your relationship, but unless there is a communicated underlying reason, you should be having sex more than once a week (or however often you go out).

Have you had a clothed, non-confrontational conversation about what that underlying issue is? Have you jointly taken any steps to mitigate it? No results? Time for another clothed, non-confrontational conversation...

To a point. If you get to the point where the excuses keep coming, or the problem is addressed but the sex still isn’t coming (within reason), you need to decide what you want to do with the rest of your life.

I’m sorry you are dealing with this...

[Anonymous]

If you have a sitter: sex before the date. Do it in the shower/bathroom standing if you’re self conscious about the bed making noise.

If kids are sleeping away: morning sex the day after.

You could also come home earlier (but after kids are asleep). We get home past my usual bedtime on date night. Between the wine and food, plus a long day at work (we do Fridays), I can’t muster the energy at 11pm. We started getting home around 9:30 and I’m still good for sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a typical marriage especially if the kids are still young. Too tired. When kids are a bit older and wife hits midlife and her hormones will go crazy, she will want sex every night.

With someone else

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any long married couples actually do it when they come home from date night? My wife is playful out in public but when we get home rolls over and goes to sleep. We don't do it much when it's not date night either (2x a month?).

Mid 40s, two kids, married 12 years. Trying to figure out if this is just "normal" or if its likely the beginning of the end of our marriage (she seems to think this is normal).

What do you talk about before she rolls over? Is it explicit that you want to have sex and she says no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a typical marriage especially if the kids are still young. Too tired. When kids are a bit older and wife hits midlife and her hormones will go crazy, she will want sex every night.

And then menopause will hit and your sex life with her, such that it is, will be over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a typical marriage especially if the kids are still young. Too tired. When kids are a bit older and wife hits midlife and her hormones will go crazy, she will want sex every night.

Kids are in middle school. I had a friend who related his mid 40s wife had a sudden surge in libido midlife and the rest if us we're looking at him like he had three heads (and won the lottery). So while that spike does happen, my sense is it's very rare.

Wife doesn't want to have sex in the morning either or mid-week unless I really push for it. As I type this, seems like the answer is fairly obvious, my marriage isn't good and probably won't last (although wife seems happy, but who knows).

I created this post to get a sense of whether the lack of sex after date night is more normal than I thought or if it's likely another red flag that I should be seeing that our marriage is likely headed to an end.

The whole notion of "date night" as some kind of prerequisite to having sex with one's wife is in my opinion completely dysfunctional and part of the problem. However, I know it's a common idea and one that you probably read in some kind of relationship book or a therapist told you should do.

Sex life is lackluster? Take her out on a DATE!

Because, as we all know, it's completely healthy and normal for a relationship between a man and a woman to establish a quid pro quo of the woman "giving the man sex" in exchange for a nice dinner in a restaurant.

If you want to take your wife out on a "date"--and I hate the use of that word in connection with long-married couples going out, because it's not a "date"--a date is a courtship ritual, and you are not courting someone that you're already married to--then go out to a restaurant or whatever it is you want to do. Have fun.

Why, in your mind at least, is taking your wife out to dinner linked to having sex with her?

It's certainly not linked in HER mind in that manner. Is it?

If you want to have sex with her, then initiate sex with her. Morning, noon, or night. Whenever you want to. If she rejects you, it's not because you didn't take her out to dinner first.

It's because she doesn't want to have sex with you.

You've allowed your marriage to disintegrate to the point where sex with her spouse is far down on the list of priorities your wife has, it's probably not even there at all, and it's just a favor she does for you if she feels like it, but she never feels like it.

She manipulates you by withholding sex, not by having sex with you. If she actually had sex with you on a more frequent basis, then she would lose control over you.

So she doesn't.

Stop having date nights.

I'll bet you do lots of chores around the house too, with the expectation that somehow it will improve your sex life.

That won't work either.

You need to completely re-set your relationship with your wife somehow.

You can start by stop taking her out on "dates", and never use the terminology "date night" ever again.

Okay I think the above is some kind of angry basement men guy, but DW here, and honestly date nights DO work on me, but not as well as chores which work even better. But I think my "love language" is acts of service so for whatever reason seeing my lovely hubs do anything to help me or kiddos gets me going. Date nights probably work because he's a little awkward and I know if we're out to a nice place or an event, he's mostly doing it to make me feel good. It's not a quid-pro-quo, at all, it's just a thing that makes me feel love and respect for him which sets the table well for sex. It's not the only thing obviously. I mean hell, fights can also work sometimes.

I think you need to just ask her/figure out what you do that makes her feel particularly thrilled about you as a partner (maybe it's not date night - maybe it's listening to her, or parenting really well, or giving her a massage...idk). Then see if that leads to physicality. Also, do you know her well enough to know her particular kinks? If you think she doesn't have any, you're wrong. You just don't know about them. Also, do you have/use a really nice vibrator and a nice lube? I'm sure people will chime in about how that's not the answer, but sometimes when my life is stressful the finish line is...farther away. That can make it hard/less appealing to get started. Ain't no shame in a good toy game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a typical marriage especially if the kids are still young. Too tired. When kids are a bit older and wife hits midlife and her hormones will go crazy, she will want sex every night.

Lol no she will just be too tired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any long married couples actually do it when they come home from date night? My wife is playful out in public but when we get home rolls over and goes to sleep. We don't do it much when it's not date night either (2x a month?).

Mid 40s, two kids, married 12 years. Trying to figure out if this is just "normal" or if its likely the beginning of the end of our marriage (she seems to think this is normal).

It's normal if your wife is the type of woman who prefers to scarf restaurant food rather than your penis.

This is the most unappetizing framing of oral ever

[Anonymous]

My wife’s love language is sleep. Actually, it is acts of service too, and here is how that works: many acts of service I do, she doesn’t even notice. The other ones I do, she often notes only happened after she complained about them. So I can’t win.

My love language is physical touch, and we are sexless. We touch, caress, kiss, but the line is drawn at sex. No interest from her (55). FML

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a typical marriage especially if the kids are still young. Too tired. When kids are a bit older and wife hits midlife and her hormones will go crazy, she will want sex every night.

Kids are in middle school. I had a friend who related his mid 40s wife had a sudden surge in libido midlife and the rest if us we're looking at him like he had three heads (and won the lottery). So while that spike does happen, my sense is it's very rare.

Wife doesn't want to have sex in the morning either or mid-week unless I really push for it. As I type this, seems like the answer is fairly obvious, my marriage isn't good and probably won't last (although wife seems happy, but who knows).

I created this post to get a sense of whether the lack of sex after date night is more normal than I thought or if it's likely another red flag that I should be seeing that our marriage is likely headed to an end.

I can’t speak to the middle school part. But as a woman I definitely hear from all my friends that they are exhausted with kids from the 0-5 range and even beyond. You’re doing well with 2x a month. As for the hormones, women hit perimenopause at different ages and it lasts for different times. During that period there are a lot of highs and lows — estrogen can spike and drop frequently. So some women will want it more, some not. Men should educate themselves about women’s sexuality.

In any case what matters is your relationship. If you can’t unpack this with your wife, maybe therapy? Is there a safe space in which you could explore her fantasies and wishes? Maybe she is frustrated because our sexual culture focuses so much on the man’s point of view.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t you ‘do it’ before date night??

This is what we do, or the next morning. Sometimes both.