Intimate after date night

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m laughing, but honestly those posts are creeping me out! Getting a sick vibe from all this talk about control and fear. Jeez, lighten up. It’s sex, it’s supposed to be fun. Not like kidnap an underaged woman and lock her in your basement since the only way you can get a woman to spend time with you is with force.

What is wrong with you? Seek help.

[Anonymous]

No sex after date night.

[Anonymous]

Never

Before or the next day usually.

Quid pro quo sex grosses me out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's the problem isn't it though?

OP's wife has no interest in "giving and sharing" in a sexual manner as befits a real marriage.

Good, so it’s a question of improving their relationship. I think there are people who are trained to help with that, and if OP is really interested he can ask them. Just as if you really want to fix your car you don’t start posting on a message board to see if anyone can tell what’s wrong with it based on some pictures. For sure at least one kook on there will say that cars were made by the devil and he should throw it away. If you want to fix it, go to the best mechanic you can find. And get a second opinion while you’re at it!

Of course, the relationship may not need fixing from her perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are all of these women's husbands terrible in bed or something? I'm not always thinking about sex when my husband makes his overtures, but I can get in the mood pretty quick because he's good at turning me on. I feel sorry for all these people in mismatched marriages. Yikes.

If so, why would she marry a man who is terrible in bed? Pretty dumb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You’ve had 3 tries yet still have said nothing at all that is remotely useful (ie actionable). So you have offered nothing to “take”!! It’s not coercive sex for a wife who has a low libido, but loves her non-asshole husband, to say Yes once or twice per week. Many PP women have said exactly this. Sometimes a sexless wife needs a glimpse of her future (life as a divorced mom with no man around, less stable housing and finances, and forget about date nights !!! ) before she realizes that hey a nice orgasm might be fun maybe I could put down the iPad for a change.

Er...what? You say this like the rules of gravity don't apply to men! The sex-starved DH too will be a divorced man with less stable housing and finances, and if he gets custody, he can forget about date nights too, divorced men with children aren't exactly hot commodity you know. If he doesn't get custody, then he'll get the dubious pleasure of having no control over the way his children are raised. Let's not pretend divorce is painless for me - why else do so many of them stay you think?

Divorced men always upgrade sexually. Always.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I sometimes wonder if women like my wife just assume I will cheat and if they are fine with that, sort of turning a blind eye and keeping up the lifestyle rather than have sex they don't want to have.

I was surprised to find out how common DADT was, provided the rules (discrete, no drama, no in-circle friends, married ow/on preferred, guaranteed bc) are followed. More so than I would have thought.

This is mainstream thinking for most men who are in a low sex marriage. Really surprised that OP hasn’t gone there yet.

[Anonymous]

A couple's sex life isn't some kind of morality play where lack of sex means the husband isn't behaving properly and/or the wife is selfish or unloving. Don't believe the folks who think they have all the answers. They don't.

[Anonymous]

Woman here. I’m always surprised by how often this topic comes up on here. Long term monogamy (and aging - gaining weight, losing muscle, losing hair) kills desire. This is so common place it’s a cliche.

It just baffles me how many people on this web site know this and yet never thought it would happen to them.

It happens to every couple. Some are just better at faking it (to themselves, to others).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless husbands are total assholes I have trouble understanding women who don’t occasionally have sex even if they aren’t in the mood. My libido is lower than my DH’s, he’s a good partner and a great dad. Sometimes he’ll initiate and while I’m not in the mood I can “fake it till I make it.” I don’t fake orgasms but I can be an enthusiastic partner even if I’m not initially into it. I do it bc it’s important to him and I love him.

I can do this once or twice a week (usually just once) but no more than that. That is really asking too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’ve had 3 tries yet still have said nothing at all that is remotely useful (ie actionable). So you have offered nothing to “take”!! It’s not coercive sex for a wife who has a low libido, but loves her non-asshole husband, to say Yes once or twice per week. Many PP women have said exactly this. Sometimes a sexless wife needs a glimpse of her future (life as a divorced mom with no man around, less stable housing and finances, and forget about date nights !!! ) before she realizes that hey a nice orgasm might be fun maybe I could put down the iPad for a change.

Jesus Christ, look at the ego on you. You think that women should put out for a roof over her house? I stay with my husband because I love him, not because I need his money. That's retrograde thinking on your part.

It’s not ego. It’s honesty. Many sexless wives are just too comfortable in their platonic marriage and have no reason to change. But after a few days to think about finding an apartment, selling the house, splitting custody, this gives them reason to look for answers about their “lost” libido.

Women should not “put out” for a roof over their head. But neither should they expect to stay (monogamously) married if they lose interest in sex. So decide between divorce or open marriage if you don’t want sex.

I’m glad you love your husband so I assume you have a normal sex life and this thread really doesn’t apply to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless husbands are total assholes I have trouble understanding women who don’t occasionally have sex even if they aren’t in the mood. My libido is lower than my DH’s, he’s a good partner and a great dad. Sometimes he’ll initiate and while I’m not in the mood I can “fake it till I make it.” I don’t fake orgasms but I can be an enthusiastic partner even if I’m not initially into it. I do it bc it’s important to him and I love him.

Even if the husband is an a-hole, how does that translate to a wife believing that not having sex with him is a good idea?

Presumably you married the guy with an awareness of his strengths and weaknesses, and presumably, sex was part of the marital understanding.

If your husband was being an a-hole, would that justify letting the kitchen garbage overflow, or letting the dog poop all over the couch, and not cleaning up after it?

"I'm not going to clean up that dog poop because my husband is an a-hole."

"I'm not going to empty the kitchen garbage can because my husband is an a-hole."

You're supposed to have sex with someone because in the first place you married them because you liked to have sex with them.

You shouldn't have married them if you didn't like to have sex with them.

If you never liked to have sex with them but pretended otherwise, why is that your partner's fault?

Are you being dense on purpose???

People get tired of f*cking the same person after a while but they don’t want to blow up their families/ruin their lives/ devastate their children.

It’s like you know nothing about how desire and excitement work.

Living with someone for 12 years is not a recipe for sexual excitement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless husbands are total assholes I have trouble understanding women who don’t occasionally have sex even if they aren’t in the mood. My libido is lower than my DH’s, he’s a good partner and a great dad. Sometimes he’ll initiate and while I’m not in the mood I can “fake it till I make it.” I don’t fake orgasms but I can be an enthusiastic partner even if I’m not initially into it. I do it bc it’s important to him and I love him.

I do this but it’s a drag and I’d rather watch Netflix.

So, not happily married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's the problem isn't it though?

OP's wife has no interest in "giving and sharing" in a sexual manner as befits a real marriage.

Good, so it’s a question of improving their relationship. I think there are people who are trained to help with that, and if OP is really interested he can ask them. Just as if you really want to fix your car you don’t start posting on a message board to see if anyone can tell what’s wrong with it based on some pictures. For sure at least one kook on there will say that cars were made by the devil and he should throw it away. If you want to fix it, go to the best mechanic you can find. And get a second opinion while you’re at it!

Since you brought up the car analogy, it's much simpler than that.

If you don't maintain your car by changing the oil regularly, you will blow up the engine.

A prolonged consultation with a qualified auto mechanic is unnecessary.

There are, of course, people who drive cars but are so clueless that they never change the oil, and when the car dies, they are surprised by it. "Why should I have to get the oil in my car changed every so often? IT'S NOT FAIR."

Regular marital sex should be considered "marital maintenance" just like regular oil changes on your car.

You don't need to go to a marital therapist to understand that if you never have sex with your spouse, it is very likely you will destroy your marriage.

Just like failing to change the oil will ultimately destroy your engine.

"Why should I have sex with my spouse? IT'S NOT FAIR."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone in a similar situation to PP have a story for him of something that actually worked? Not what seems like it ought to work, but real life success stories? By similar situation, I think a couple of the critical variables are:

1. Kids are beyond toddler age. (So we know it's not just because little kids are exhausting & post-pregnancy hormones).

2. Long period of limited sex -- i.e. less than once a week.

3. Relationship is more than, say, 5 years (so we know that novelty isn't the solution).

We all know what happened.

OP is probably a nice enough guy but in his younger days probably didn't have a lot of dating or sexual options among women.

He met his wife and connected with her and she was probably one of the first, if not the very first, women that he was actually able to develop a long term relationship with.

The relationship progressed to the point where she laid down her own ultimatum of getting married so, having no better options, and finally getting sex on a more or less regular basis, he proposed.

She had her own issues and while she may have enjoyed the early sex that wasn't really why she wanted to marry him. He didn't really set her heart or her panties all aflutter.

But, he was a nice guy, had good career prospects, and she could see he would be a reliable family man who would take care of her and the kids she wanted to have.

In his mind, he finally hit the jackpot,and probably overlooked any flaws or misgivings.

In her mind, she "settled."

Op's wife never treated him as a full partner, because in her mind, he never really was. He was simply a vehicle she chose to carry out her imagined "life plan."

Now he is an annoying inconvenience pestering him for sex that she doesn't want to have with him, and never really did.

This story is repeated over and over and over and every word is true.

This isa so weird- writing a whole page on the desperation and disappointment that has been your life.