my wife's thin skin

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Any practical advice here? Calling me a dick or telling me to get divorced doesn't actually help me solve the problem.

This is not a case in which I rejected 100 furniture options suggested by my wife. We just began discussing furniture, for the first time, a couple weeks ago. She suggested one item that I didn't find appealing. I didn't tell her the choice was ugly or anything like that. I just said that I would like to look at other options and find something we both really like. She then told me to decide on my own. Well, that response kind of sucks the joy out of furnishing the house together. What is the point, if we can't do it together?

To the posters who think I'm some kind of a control freak -- no, I want the opposite. I want a relationship in which my wife and I feel free around each other. Surely we ought to be able to discuss furniture options without fear of offending each other!!!! But we can't. This suffocates the conversation. So I focus on the kids, and she focuses on the kids, and this seems to keep the ship upright. But it is just sidestepping the problem, and pretending that everything is OK, when it isn't.

My practical advice is to first respond gently and humorously. "Wow, that was a strong response. I was looking forward to furniture shopping with you. Is there something else bothering you?" If she continues to be passive aggressive, call her out on it. "You know, you've shut down all furniture shopping because I didn't like one choice you threw out, and I can't for the life of me figure out why. This seems weird."

If this continues, I do think the two of you need counseling. Not because your marriage is some kind of failure, but because this kind of communication style -- passive aggressive -- can be death to a relationship. It's impossible to offer any criticism if it shuts down all communication on the topic.

[Anonymous]

I also think (continued from above) that the fact that your wife is not a native speaker may add a tricky third layer here. It's possible that your message of concern about the driving may not come across as well as you hoped. You may have to take more time than usual to convey messages with sensitivity, i.e., I care about you, I care about the kids, and I hate Washington drivers.

[Anonymous]

She sounds passive-aggressive & like she may have communication issues, is English her first language?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems like everything with you is a back and forth. Why does it take two people to decide furniture? If I'm not invested I would also tell you to just pick what you want. Everything doesnt involve intense discussion or debate. She sounds exhausted.

The driving situation is the same thing although it's extreme. You seem to be suffering the consequences of your exhausting behavior.

This. We divide & conquer. Husband not interested in furnishings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't even know why men post on this board. There's so much projecting from bitter women here. They will always turn it around to be your fault.

I am a woman and I agree. I don’t see a thing wrong with OP’s post. What’s so wrong about a DH caring about what thebcouchblooks like? Mine does. And he lives in the same home which I want him to enjoy and view as a sanctuary. I WANT him to tell me when he disagrees with me. We don’t live in a dictatorship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound controlling, tbh.

How, exactly?

Read back a couple of posts. Pp called it criticism. That, but in a dickish manner and he probably talks down to her, too.

So I should have let me wife drive my kids around despite the fact that she hadn't been behind the wheel in 10 years, and despite the fact she had never before driven in the USA?

A parent's first duty is to keep his or her children safe. I would never gamble with a child's life.

Now that she has experience on USA roads, I'm fine with her driving the kids around. So the "control" that I wanted to exert was solely to ensure the safety of my kids.

Are they her kids too? If so, than you are assuming she will be reckless which is insulting. Unless you have proof and haven't shared this information than I think this is unfair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound controlling, tbh.

How, exactly?

Read back a couple of posts. Pp called it criticism. That, but in a dickish manner and he probably talks down to her, too.

So I should have let me wife drive my kids around despite the fact that she hadn't been behind the wheel in 10 years, and despite the fact she had never before driven in the USA?

A parent's first duty is to keep his or her children safe. I would never gamble with a child's life.

Now that she has experience on USA roads, I'm fine with her driving the kids around. So the "control" that I wanted to exert was solely to ensure the safety of my kids.

Are they her kids too? If so, than you are assuming she will be reckless which is insulting. Unless you have proof and haven't shared this information than I think this is unfair.

She is reckless, and she wanted to put her children in harms way for her own benefit. I can’t believe he still let’s her around the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Practical advice:

If you hate being wrong, look at that more carefully. You don't have to embrace being wrong, but in a relationship, you have to be okay with not ending every discussion being right.

It's better to collaborate than compromise. Remember you are on the same team.

I hate the lack of real dialogue. There is no opportunity to be "wrong" in this relationship, because being right or wrong first requires a dialogue or a discussion or a debate, and this isn't possible. A discussion requires an exchange of ideas, and I can't offer an idea that conflicts with hers without fear of shutting the entire discussion down.

"Team" -- yes, that is what I want. But how can I form a team with a teammate who bristles when we try to pass the ball back and forth? And how much praise does one need to heap on a teammate simply in order to get them to take the field? I offer my teammate a normal amount of praise, I think, relative to the other marriages I see around me. It doesn't help.

This is like trying to build a machine in which the gears are not permitted to bump against each other. It isn't possible. There is a certain amount of contact that has to take place. Greasing the gears hasn't helped. The machine seizes up the moment the gears try to move.

So what happened when you set up a couples counselling appointment?

If she wouldn't go, what did the therapist tell you when you went to individual counselling on your own?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Practical advice:

If you hate being wrong, look at that more carefully. You don't have to embrace being wrong, but in a relationship, you have to be okay with not ending every discussion being right.

It's better to collaborate than compromise. Remember you are on the same team.

I hate the lack of real dialogue. There is no opportunity to be "wrong" in this relationship, because being right or wrong first requires a dialogue or a discussion or a debate, and this isn't possible. A discussion requires an exchange of ideas, and I can't offer an idea that conflicts with hers without fear of shutting the entire discussion down.

"Team" -- yes, that is what I want. But how can I form a team with a teammate who bristles when we try to pass the ball back and forth? And how much praise does one need to heap on a teammate simply in order to get them to take the field? I offer my teammate a normal amount of praise, I think, relative to the other marriages I see around me. It doesn't help.

This is like trying to build a machine in which the gears are not permitted to bump against each other. It isn't possible. There is a certain amount of contact that has to take place. Greasing the gears hasn't helped. The machine seizes up the moment the gears try to move.

You say this, but you also say that you recently moved. How did you two decide on what city to live in, what house to buy, etc.? You also have children. How did you decide how many to have? What school to send them to, etc.?

Really, if you planned a move with children together, and your biggest problem is that you didn’t like a chair that she picked out and she got angry, then you don’t have that big of a communication problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound controlling, tbh.

How, exactly?

Read back a couple of posts. Pp called it criticism. That, but in a dickish manner and he probably talks down to her, too.

So I should have let me wife drive my kids around despite the fact that she hadn't been behind the wheel in 10 years, and despite the fact she had never before driven in the USA?

A parent's first duty is to keep his or her children safe. I would never gamble with a child's life.

Now that she has experience on USA roads, I'm fine with her driving the kids around. So the "control" that I wanted to exert was solely to ensure the safety of my kids.

Are they her kids too? If so, than you are assuming she will be reckless which is insulting. Unless you have proof and haven't shared this information than I think this is unfair.

Ok. When we recently drove together a bit, without the kids and with her at the wheel, she made a left turn from a secondary road onto a main road, and ended up on the wrong side of the median, heading into oncoming traffic. No way in heck was I letting the kids in the car until these lapses were eliminated.

I've driven in other countries -- countries with very different traffic patterns and cultures than here -- and it takes time to acclimate. I told my wife that if I were in her country, I wouldn't want me behind the wheel with the kids in the car until I had first gotten some practice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Practical advice:

If you hate being wrong, look at that more carefully. You don't have to embrace being wrong, but in a relationship, you have to be okay with not ending every discussion being right.

It's better to collaborate than compromise. Remember you are on the same team.

I hate the lack of real dialogue. There is no opportunity to be "wrong" in this relationship, because being right or wrong first requires a dialogue or a discussion or a debate, and this isn't possible. A discussion requires an exchange of ideas, and I can't offer an idea that conflicts with hers without fear of shutting the entire discussion down.

"Team" -- yes, that is what I want. But how can I form a team with a teammate who bristles when we try to pass the ball back and forth? And how much praise does one need to heap on a teammate simply in order to get them to take the field? I offer my teammate a normal amount of praise, I think, relative to the other marriages I see around me. It doesn't help.

This is like trying to build a machine in which the gears are not permitted to bump against each other. It isn't possible. There is a certain amount of contact that has to take place. Greasing the gears hasn't helped. The machine seizes up the moment the gears try to move.

You say this, but you also say that you recently moved. How did you two decide on what city to live in, what house to buy, etc.? You also have children. How did you decide how many to have? What school to send them to, etc.?

Really, if you planned a move with children together, and your biggest problem is that you didn’t like a chair that she picked out and she got angry, then you don’t have that big of a communication problem.

We got worn down by the DC housing market ... the bidding wars, the low inventory ... and somehow that made it easier for us to find common ground -- because there was only a small sliver of ground to stand on. Somehow, it worked out -- we are both happy with the house and the neighborhood. That gives me hope. I'm not ready to give up, and I want to keep trying for the sake of my kids. Some of you have given me some helpful advice and I'll try to make use of it.

[Anonymous]

Professionals get paid money to sit with you for hours and talk through these issues. It's great that you have some ides from this threead, but if that is not enough -- and I suspect it will not be -- please make setting aside time, money, and energy for professional counselling a priority.

If she won't go to couples therapy, then at least do individual therapy for yourself to learn more about what you are bringing to the situation and what you can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The way you write it sure sounds like she's overreacting, but ask yourself whether you are frequently critical. Sometimes it's not that you didn't like the chair she picked, it's that you criticized the last 17 things she's suggested or done, and this is just the last straw. Or that you frequently criticize without offering alternatives (so that "let's consider alternatives" really means "you go find some more options for me to consider") so she's making all the suggestions and you're just shooting them down, rather than you offering alternatives.

Also consider your tone. You might think that the words you are saying are totally reasonable, but your tone might be coming across as condescending, abrupt, sharp, etc.

And the driving thing makes it sound like you don't really trust her judgment, and that vibe gets old fast, too.

This is a great reply. This person gets it. I wish we were friends and you could give me advice concerning my DH.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I have a lot of similar arguments. We took a Meyers Briggs test, and he is ENTP, and I am INTP. So, basically, I work out stuff in my head until I am absolutely convinced of my own ideas. Meanwhile, he likes to play devils advocate and shoot off ideas.
He says the same thing that you do: that I am not good at taking criticism. This really isn’t true. I am actually great at taking criticism. If someone offers a well thought out viewpoint that is different from mine, I wil listen carefully, respond with clarifying questions, and alter my behavior to incorporate the new information. My ability to take criticism well came up several times from supervisors in my training as a therapist.
He is great at a lot of things I am terrible at. He makes friends easily. He reads social situations well. He is a great guy. But he does this where he will shoot down my well thought out ideas with just a passing glance. And it pisses me off. I am not being passive aggressive. Shouting “you do it,” is me being aggressive aggressive because I am so mad.
I could see this exact same thing with the chair happening at our house. It’s kind of eerie how similar the wording is. I don’t know what to tell you except that these arguments are going to happen. All you can really do is have some sort of repair. Some sort of words or gesture that snaps you two back into reality, so the fights don’t go on forever. You aren’t going to resolve them though. Because in the moment, you are both 100% convinced that you are correct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The way you write it sure sounds like she's overreacting, but ask yourself whether you are frequently critical. Sometimes it's not that you didn't like the chair she picked, it's that you criticized the last 17 things she's suggested or done, and this is just the last straw. Or that you frequently criticize without offering alternatives (so that "let's consider alternatives" really means "you go find some more options for me to consider") so she's making all the suggestions and you're just shooting them down, rather than you offering alternatives.

Also consider your tone. You might think that the words you are saying are totally reasonable, but your tone might be coming across as condescending, abrupt, sharp, etc.

And the driving thing makes it sound like you don't really trust her judgment, and that vibe gets old fast, too.

This is a great reply. This person gets it. I wish we were friends and you could give me advice concerning my DH.

No, this person doesn't get it. When my wife got back behind the wheel, she made some serious mistakes, like heading down the wrong side of a median strip into oncoming traffic. Sorry, but I can't put my kids at risk. Their lives are more important than my wife's ego.