my wife's thin skin

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound controlling, tbh.

How, exactly?

Read back a couple of posts. Pp called it criticism. That, but in a dickish manner and he probably talks down to her, too.

So I should have let me wife drive my kids around despite the fact that she hadn't been behind the wheel in 10 years, and despite the fact she had never before driven in the USA?

A parent's first duty is to keep his or her children safe. I would never gamble with a child's life.

Now that she has experience on USA roads, I'm fine with her driving the kids around. So the "control" that I wanted to exert was solely to ensure the safety of my kids.

Your wife is a grown-ass woman. You don't "let" her do things, or not. You discuss them with her. "Honey, how much time driving solo do you think you'll need before you feel comfortable driving the kids?" versus "You can't drive the kids for two weeks." It's not about whether someone else would or would not be comfortable with it, it's about how you view and talk about things with your wife.

Given how quickly you escalated to being incredibly defensive and kind of obnoxious, I'm beginning to see the problem.

As I mentioned, I suggested two years ago that she start driving. The two years came and went. Sorry, but I can't let somebody -- even my wife -- put my kids in danger. I'm totally fine if people think that makes me an ass. My kids' safety comes first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I don’t understand, and maybe you can explain this to me, is why didn’t you say anything much earlier in the process? Like, as soon as your wife said she wanted a chair, why didn’t you look up some that you liked and email them to her? Or as soon as she said she was going to start driving again, why didn’t you schedule her some driving lessons before she started driving the kids?
Why wait until she is done to put in your $0.02?

I suggested two years ago she start driving -- with no kids in the car -- for practice. Of course, that would have required a driver's license, and somehow she didn't get around to getting one until recently. I suppose I could have insisted -- but that would be controlling, wouldn't it?

With furniture, we just got settled in a new house a few weeks ago, so we are just beginning the process of furnishing it.

I'm sure the PP above was the first person who's ever called you "controlling." Must be a real shock to hear.

Do you have kids? I take it you would be OK with putting them in a car with an inexperienced driver ... somebody who had never driven before in the USA?

Honestly, no. I have had au pairs before, so I have been in this situation. And if I had one that pushed to drive the kids before she was ready, then I would fire her because I wouldn’t trust her judgment.
So, either there is more to the story (my guess), or the OP should never leave his children alone with their mother because she has horrible judgment (in which case, who could blame her for being mad)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The way you write it sure sounds like she's overreacting, but ask yourself whether you are frequently critical. Sometimes it's not that you didn't like the chair she picked, it's that you criticized the last 17 things she's suggested or done, and this is just the last straw. Or that you frequently criticize without offering alternatives (so that "let's consider alternatives" really means "you go find some more options for me to consider") so she's making all the suggestions and you're just shooting them down, rather than you offering alternatives.

Also consider your tone. You might think that the words you are saying are totally reasonable, but your tone might be coming across as condescending, abrupt, sharp, etc.

And the driving thing makes it sound like you don't really trust her judgment, and that vibe gets old fast, too.

This plus there is probably some cultural aspects at play too. Americans are much more direct than some cultures (and less direct than some others).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound controlling, tbh.

How, exactly?

Read back a couple of posts. Pp called it criticism. That, but in a dickish manner and he probably talks down to her, too.

So I should have let me wife drive my kids around despite the fact that she hadn't been behind the wheel in 10 years, and despite the fact she had never before driven in the USA?

A parent's first duty is to keep his or her children safe. I would never gamble with a child's life.

Now that she has experience on USA roads, I'm fine with her driving the kids around. So the "control" that I wanted to exert was solely to ensure the safety of my kids.

Your wife is a grown-ass woman. You don't "let" her do things, or not. You discuss them with her. "Honey, how much time driving solo do you think you'll need before you feel comfortable driving the kids?" versus "You can't drive the kids for two weeks." It's not about whether someone else would or would not be comfortable with it, it's about how you view and talk about things with your wife.

Given how quickly you escalated to being incredibly defensive and kind of obnoxious, I'm beginning to see the problem.

As I mentioned, I suggested two years ago that she start driving. The two years came and went. Sorry, but I can't let somebody -- even my wife -- put my kids in danger. I'm totally fine if people think that makes me an ass. My kids' safety comes first.

Again, your tone and defensiveness here suggests to me that it's not just your wife's thin skin that's an issue. If discussions with her sound anything like the discussion here, I can see why she does what she can to avoid confrontation with you. It's not about whether or not your concerns are legitimate, it's about how you talk about things with your wife.

You need to think about how critical/nitpicky you are of your wife, and about whether the way you express disagreement fosters a constructive discussion or just shuts things down. If she's never going to hear the end of it if she disagrees, or if you're constantly finding fault or disagreeing and she feels like she can't ever do anything right, then every little incident isn't going to be evaluated on its own, it's just going to one more example of the big problem.

[Anonymous]

OP, is this a second wife? Is she not the bio mother of these kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What country is she from?

Not relevant, Donald.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, is this a second wife? Is she not the bio mother of these kids?

She is the bio mother. First wife.

I've been in a number of long-term relationships and have not run into this particular problem. I'm happy with my marriage, but frustrated that my wife leaves me with little room to have a different opinion. If our opinions differ, my wife seems to take it as an insult.

I enjoy discussions and debates and differences of opinion -- it makes life more interesting, and can make a relationship more fun. But my wife would prefer, I think, that she and I move in complete unison. This simply isn't possible. There are no two human beings who so precisely align.

[Anonymous]

Is she southeast Asian?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife recently asked me if I liked a particular piece of furniture she is considering. I wasn't fond of it and asked her if we could consider alternatives. Instead of exploring alternatives, she stopped looking altogether, and told me that I can just pick what I want, since "you don't like my choices". Well, that kind of spoils the fun of looking for furniture if we can't do it together.

Another example ... my wife didn't drive for many years, before we met. She lived downtown and simply didn't need a car. Recently, however, she started to drive again. Because her driving skills were rusty, I asked her to drive solo for a few weeks, without our kids in the car, in order to get the hang of it again. I should also add that she had never driven in the USA before (she is from another country). I didn't want our kids at risk while she went through the learning process. But after acclimating to USA roads, she told me she never wants to drive with the kids in the car, in order to avoid causing a fight with me.

There are countless similar examples. It is so damn frustrating. Her attitude makes it impossible for us to have any discussion unless our opinions align precisely.

Has anybody been in this situation? Did you find a remedy? If so, please share your approach.

It's passive-agressive behavior, OP. She's punishing you for you not doing things her way. You need to get a handle on this with her or it will ruin your marriage, AND your kids will learn this behavior and that will ruin their relationships as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, is this a second wife? Is she not the bio mother of these kids?

She is the bio mother. First wife.

I've been in a number of long-term relationships and have not run into this particular problem. I'm happy with my marriage, but frustrated that my wife leaves me with little room to have a different opinion. If our opinions differ, my wife seems to take it as an insult.

I enjoy discussions and debates and differences of opinion -- it makes life more interesting, and can make a relationship more fun. But my wife would prefer, I think, that she and I move in complete unison. This simply isn't possible. There are no two human beings who so precisely align.

I am sure you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, is this a second wife? Is she not the bio mother of these kids?

She is the bio mother. First wife.

I've been in a number of long-term relationships and have not run into this particular problem. I'm happy with my marriage, but frustrated that my wife leaves me with little room to have a different opinion. If our opinions differ, my wife seems to take it as an insult.

I enjoy discussions and debates and differences of opinion -- it makes life more interesting, and can make a relationship more fun. But my wife would prefer, I think, that she and I move in complete unison. This simply isn't possible. There are no two human beings who so precisely align.

You sound in tone like my DH. He is an opinionated controlling bastard at times, He is also very smart and observant. Luckily I have him pretty whipped and will defend myself if backed into a corner, but things would be so much smoother in our house if he did not make proclamations from on high. Think seriously about how you say what you say OP.

[Anonymous]

I’m like that. I think that I get over it quickly enough but you would have to ask my SO lol. If you balance it out with lots of compliments and appreciation for her quirks then it should be fine.

[Anonymous]

So she had never driven in the US before, but she had a driver's license? That doesn't make sense. If she has a license, she passed a behind-the-wheel test and is fine to drive.

I agree that you sound controlling. You like debates and differences of opinion? Ugh. Being married to someone who wants to debate all the time is exhausting. Telling her to not drive with the kids is controlling. You could have instead offered to drive the kids everywhere for a couple weeks until she got the hang of it. But telling her not to drive with them is treating her like a child.

Like PP said, you can't thicken your wife's skin, but you can soften your approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound controlling, tbh.

How, exactly?

Read back a couple of posts. Pp called it criticism. That, but in a dickish manner and he probably talks down to her, too.

So I should have let me wife drive my kids around despite the fact that she hadn't been behind the wheel in 10 years, and despite the fact she had never before driven in the USA?

A parent's first duty is to keep his or her children safe. I would never gamble with a child's life.

Now that she has experience on USA roads, I'm fine with her driving the kids around. So the "control" that I wanted to exert was solely to ensure the safety of my kids.

You're proving me right! Look, I agree about the safety of kids being #1; however, you come off as a dick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So she had never driven in the US before, but she had a driver's license? That doesn't make sense. If she has a license, she passed a behind-the-wheel test and is fine to drive.

I agree that you sound controlling. You like debates and differences of opinion? Ugh. Being married to someone who wants to debate all the time is exhausting. Telling her to not drive with the kids is controlling. You could have instead offered to drive the kids everywhere for a couple weeks until she got the hang of it. But telling her not to drive with them is treating her like a child.

Like PP said, you can't thicken your wife's skin, but you can soften your approach.

Thanks for the shout out! I'm both the op's controlling and you can change poster. I'm versatile.