my wife's thin skin

[Anonymous]

OP here.

Any practical advice here? Calling me a dick or telling me to get divorced doesn't actually help me solve the problem.

This is not a case in which I rejected 100 furniture options suggested by my wife. We just began discussing furniture, for the first time, a couple weeks ago. She suggested one item that I didn't find appealing. I didn't tell her the choice was ugly or anything like that. I just said that I would like to look at other options and find something we both really like. She then told me to decide on my own. Well, that response kind of sucks the joy out of furnishing the house together. What is the point, if we can't do it together?

To the posters who think I'm some kind of a control freak -- no, I want the opposite. I want a relationship in which my wife and I feel free around each other. Surely we ought to be able to discuss furniture options without fear of offending each other!!!! But we can't. This suffocates the conversation. So I focus on the kids, and she focuses on the kids, and this seems to keep the ship upright. But it is just sidestepping the problem, and pretending that everything is OK, when it isn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Any practical advice here? Calling me a dick or telling me to get divorced doesn't actually help me solve the problem.

This is not a case in which I rejected 100 furniture options suggested by my wife. We just began discussing furniture, for the first time, a couple weeks ago. She suggested one item that I didn't find appealing. I didn't tell her the choice was ugly or anything like that. I just said that I would like to look at other options and find something we both really like. She then told me to decide on my own. Well, that response kind of sucks the joy out of furnishing the house together. What is the point, if we can't do it together?

To the posters who think I'm some kind of a control freak -- no, I want the opposite. I want a relationship in which my wife and I feel free around each other. Surely we ought to be able to discuss furniture options without fear of offending each other!!!! But we can't. This suffocates the conversation. So I focus on the kids, and she focuses on the kids, and this seems to keep the ship upright. But it is just sidestepping the problem, and pretending that everything is OK, when it isn't.

OP, how are you in bed? If women is truly in love with you, she would not care much what kind of furniture is there. Learn to build the relations and learn how to communicate with women.

You are focused on what exactly you said to her. There is nothing wrong in what you told her about the furniture. It is about how did you tell her.

Don't focus on kids, focus on your relationship with wife. I am not telling to neglect kids, but be more aligned with your wife's needs.

[Anonymous]

Women just want compliments and appreciation. At least I do. Give 10 compliments to every snide remark. If she’s attractive, tell her. Or find something to sincerely compliment.

[Anonymous]

It seems like everything with you is a back and forth. Why does it take two people to decide furniture? If I'm not invested I would also tell you to just pick what you want. Everything doesnt involve intense discussion or debate. She sounds exhausted.

The driving situation is the same thing although it's extreme. You seem to be suffering the consequences of your exhausting behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Any practical advice here? Calling me a dick or telling me to get divorced doesn't actually help me solve the problem.

This is not a case in which I rejected 100 furniture options suggested by my wife. We just began discussing furniture, for the first time, a couple weeks ago. She suggested one item that I didn't find appealing. I didn't tell her the choice was ugly or anything like that. I just said that I would like to look at other options and find something we both really like. She then told me to decide on my own. Well, that response kind of sucks the joy out of furnishing the house together. What is the point, if we can't do it together?

To the posters who think I'm some kind of a control freak -- no, I want the opposite. I want a relationship in which my wife and I feel free around each other. Surely we ought to be able to discuss furniture options without fear of offending each other!!!! But we can't. This suffocates the conversation. So I focus on the kids, and she focuses on the kids, and this seems to keep the ship upright. But it is just sidestepping the problem, and pretending that everything is OK, when it isn't.

I would approach it from a place of sympathy and explain you care about her. What you may see as thin skinned is nonetheless real to her. She’s not making it up to annoy you — she probably genuinely feels she is incompetent and has disappointed you every time you criticize a decision. Pushing further won’t help. Instead I would focus on telling her that you love her and want to help her work through these feelings, and reassure her that you never mean to imply she is incompetent. I am sometimes hypersensitive to criticism, and it comes from a deep insecurity that I’m not good enough. At least in my case it comes from long ago and doesn’t have anything to do with my husband.

[Anonymous]

Practical advice:

If you hate being wrong, look at that more carefully. You don't have to embrace being wrong, but in a relationship, you have to be okay with not ending every discussion being right.

It's better to collaborate than compromise. Remember you are on the same team.

Catch her being amazing. Catch her being delightful, and take hosent joy in that. Show her by touch and tone of voice (not just the exact denotation of what you say, but how you say it) that being with her brings you pleasure. If it doesn't -- and you can't -- then marriage is a prison for both of you. Not every moment is going to be flowers and laughter, but there has to be some joy.

You strike me as someone who probably feels pretty stretched thin and like there's no reserve left. Like a rubber band stretched to the point of snapping, but you are trying really hard to do things right. I'd much rather see you happy.

[Anonymous]

^^^hosent = honest

[Anonymous]

Your wife is controlling. She just controls through passiveness and playing victim, poor me,

[Anonymous]

Don't get caught up in her thin skin. Stake your opinion and then move on. It sounds like you have an extra child - whiny and entitled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't get caught up in her thin skin. Stake your opinion and then move on. It sounds like you have an extra child - whiny and entitled.

If she is such a burden or corrosive to his life, how much better for them to be apart. Especially if he doesn't have a controlling need to keep her under his thumb, even if she is so awful.

[Anonymous]

I had a husband like this. In his case, it was untreated depression turned outwards. In his eyes, I had let him down and ruined his life. Carp, carp, carp.

So I left. And so he went back into treatment, and we are cordial now. But I'd never go back.

[Anonymous]

Any ideas what her past relationships were like? Any mental health issues, such as anxiety? My knee jerk reaction in my head would be to think like along the lines of her, but would recognize it was a reaction out of my insecurities and anxieties. I would realize a difference of opinion is not always criticism or somehow disapproval of who I am.

[Anonymous]

A difference in opinion causes his wife to check out. Sounds like he needs to do more to reassure her or let her know that he is needy and wants to do things together. I'm sure if she cared passionately about these things she wouldn't check out.

Op can you give us another example of something where she checked out? Maybe something that's not trivial.

[Anonymous]

She sounds immature and hyper sensitive to perceived criticism (her taste in furniture or her driving). The problem.is get strategy, which is to escaly every disagi or comment. You don't like this coffee table? Fine, you make every decision yourself! You think I'm not ready to drive? Fine, I'll never drive again.

It's actually a really manipulative way if shutting down any discussion and the essential message is that there is no room.for disagreement in your marriage, which is not a recipe for harmony.

I think the only way to address this is to go to counseling for communication issues, but even that will likely spark a reaction.

---btdt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Any practical advice here? Calling me a dick or telling me to get divorced doesn't actually help me solve the problem.

This is not a case in which I rejected 100 furniture options suggested by my wife. We just began discussing furniture, for the first time, a couple weeks ago. She suggested one item that I didn't find appealing. I didn't tell her the choice was ugly or anything like that. I just said that I would like to look at other options and find something we both really like. She then told me to decide on my own. Well, that response kind of sucks the joy out of furnishing the house together. What is the point, if we can't do it together?

To the posters who think I'm some kind of a control freak -- no, I want the opposite. I want a relationship in which my wife and I feel free around each other. Surely we ought to be able to discuss furniture options without fear of offending each other!!!! But we can't. This suffocates the conversation. So I focus on the kids, and she focuses on the kids, and this seems to keep the ship upright. But it is just sidestepping the problem, and pretending that everything is OK, when it isn't.

My practical advice is to first respond gently and humorously. "Wow, that was a strong response. I was looking forward to furniture shopping with you. Is there something else bothering you?" If she continues to be passive aggressive, call her out on it. "You know, you've shut down all furniture shopping because I didn't like one choice you threw out, and I can't for the life of me figure out why. This seems weird."

If this continues, I do think the two of you need counseling. Not because your marriage is some kind of failure, but because this kind of communication style -- passive aggressive -- can be death to a relationship. It's impossible to offer any criticism if it shuts down all communication on the topic.