my wife's thin skin

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Shy are you not willing to say what her trigger was? Sounds like it's something that shows you off in a bad light; something that you should not have been doing in the first place and that justified her behavior towards you. You should mention what it is or you come off as being in the wrong, yet you still blame her for not telling you what it was. Sounds like you should have known not to do it.

Yes, I will share. My family -- all of us -- often crack jokes about each other. There are no limits. Nothing is sacred and it is a lot of fun. A good sense of humor is one of my wife's best traits, and my children have it, too. Sometimes, the jokes involve stereotyping each other's backgrounds. However, my wife says that, during some arguments, I've tossed in a joke (in an effort to lighten the mood) that she felt was actually intended to be hurtful. I don't recall ever intentionally trying to hurt my wife, emotionally, but perception is reality, and I could feel the sincerity in her voice when she spoke about this issue. So I will be extra careful to use words that are not hurtful.

I've asked my wife to not let her concerns fester and accumulate. I've asked her to tell me immediately when I do something that upsets her. I cannot read her mind. I think this is where culture entered the picture and contributed to our problems ... directness, in a marriage, is not part of her culture.

But I think our marriage needs more directness and transparency in order to reduce the tension and confusion that has periodically affected us. I'm not a madman or a tyrant who wants to make my wife miserable. I want her to be happy. A household cannot be happy unless all of its members are happy, in my view. We are all bound together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The way you write it sure sounds like she's overreacting, but ask yourself whether you are frequently critical. Sometimes it's not that you didn't like the chair she picked, it's that you criticized the last 17 things she's suggested or done, and this is just the last straw. Or that you frequently criticize without offering alternatives (so that "let's consider alternatives" really means "you go find some more options for me to consider") so she's making all the suggestions and you're just shooting them down, rather than you offering alternatives.

Also consider your tone. You might think that the words you are saying are totally reasonable, but your tone might be coming across as condescending, abrupt, sharp, etc.

And the driving thing makes it sound like you don't really trust her judgment, and that vibe gets old fast, too.

I think this is spot on

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife recently asked me if I liked a particular piece of furniture she is considering. I wasn't fond of it and asked her if we could consider alternatives. Instead of exploring alternatives, she stopped looking altogether, and told me that I can just pick what I want, since "you don't like my choices". Well, that kind of spoils the fun of looking for furniture if we can't do it together.

Another example ... my wife didn't drive for many years, before we met. She lived downtown and simply didn't need a car. Recently, however, she started to drive again. Because her driving skills were rusty, I asked her to drive solo for a few weeks, without our kids in the car, in order to get the hang of it again. I should also add that she had never driven in the USA before (she is from another country). I didn't want our kids at risk while she went through the learning process. But after acclimating to USA roads, she told me she never wants to drive with the kids in the car, in order to avoid causing a fight with me.

There are countless similar examples. It is so damn frustrating. Her attitude makes it impossible for us to have any discussion unless our opinions align precisely.

Has anybody been in this situation? Did you find a remedy? If so, please share your approach.

She is immature and passive-aggressive with a martyr-complex. The remedy is she needs to grow up.