my wife's thin skin

[Anonymous]

My wife recently asked me if I liked a particular piece of furniture she is considering. I wasn't fond of it and asked her if we could consider alternatives. Instead of exploring alternatives, she stopped looking altogether, and told me that I can just pick what I want, since "you don't like my choices". Well, that kind of spoils the fun of looking for furniture if we can't do it together.

Another example ... my wife didn't drive for many years, before we met. She lived downtown and simply didn't need a car. Recently, however, she started to drive again. Because her driving skills were rusty, I asked her to drive solo for a few weeks, without our kids in the car, in order to get the hang of it again. I should also add that she had never driven in the USA before (she is from another country). I didn't want our kids at risk while she went through the learning process. But after acclimating to USA roads, she told me she never wants to drive with the kids in the car, in order to avoid causing a fight with me.

There are countless similar examples. It is so damn frustrating. Her attitude makes it impossible for us to have any discussion unless our opinions align precisely.

Has anybody been in this situation? Did you find a remedy? If so, please share your approach.

[Anonymous]

She sounds high maintenance. I'm sorry. Do you want to come over for a beer?

Seriously though, maybe sit her down and tell her you love her and care about her and want what's best for her AND everyone in the family, and it seems like she's really defensive lately, and you've noticed if you say one thing then she makes a sweeping generalization (bring up the furniture example) and say you DO want to pick out furniture together but want to find something you BOTH like.

If that gets you nowhere, come over for a second beer. Then suggest couples counseling - swallow your ego and claim you want it because you're having trouble communicating well with her and want help getting better at it.

[Anonymous]

What country is she from?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife recently asked me if I liked a particular piece of furniture she is considering. I wasn't fond of it and asked her if we could consider alternatives. Instead of exploring alternatives, she stopped looking altogether, and told me that I can just pick what I want, since "you don't like my choices". Well, that kind of spoils the fun of looking for furniture if we can't do it together.

Another example ... my wife didn't drive for many years, before we met. She lived downtown and simply didn't need a car. Recently, however, she started to drive again. Because her driving skills were rusty, I asked her to drive solo for a few weeks, without our kids in the car, in order to get the hang of it again. I should also add that she had never driven in the USA before (she is from another country). I didn't want our kids at risk while she went through the learning process. But after acclimating to USA roads, she told me she never wants to drive with the kids in the car, in order to avoid causing a fight with me.

There are countless similar examples. It is so damn frustrating. Her attitude makes it impossible for us to have any discussion unless our opinions align precisely.

Has anybody been in this situation? Did you find a remedy? If so, please share your approach.

[Anonymous]

I consider myself to have a thinnish skin... she seems to have no skin at all

[Anonymous]

You sound controlling, tbh.

[Anonymous]

How often do you praise her, authentically and with your full attention? (Just curious.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How often do you praise her, authentically and with your full attention? (Just curious.)

lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound controlling, tbh.

He sounds reasonable to me. I want to like the furniture in my house, as does my husband. And neither of us should drive the kids if we're not used to driving in this country. We should take a while to acclimate. Totally reasonable.

[Anonymous]

The way you write it sure sounds like she's overreacting, but ask yourself whether you are frequently critical. Sometimes it's not that you didn't like the chair she picked, it's that you criticized the last 17 things she's suggested or done, and this is just the last straw. Or that you frequently criticize without offering alternatives (so that "let's consider alternatives" really means "you go find some more options for me to consider") so she's making all the suggestions and you're just shooting them down, rather than you offering alternatives.

Also consider your tone. You might think that the words you are saying are totally reasonable, but your tone might be coming across as condescending, abrupt, sharp, etc.

And the driving thing makes it sound like you don't really trust her judgment, and that vibe gets old fast, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The way you write it sure sounds like she's overreacting, but ask yourself whether you are frequently critical. Sometimes it's not that you didn't like the chair she picked, it's that you criticized the last 17 things she's suggested or done, and this is just the last straw. Or that you frequently criticize without offering alternatives (so that "let's consider alternatives" really means "you go find some more options for me to consider") so she's making all the suggestions and you're just shooting them down, rather than you offering alternatives.

Also consider your tone. You might think that the words you are saying are totally reasonable, but your tone might be coming across as condescending, abrupt, sharp, etc.

And the driving thing makes it sound like you don't really trust her judgment, and that vibe gets old fast, too.

All this. My DH is the same with furnishings. All criticism, no alternatives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The way you write it sure sounds like she's overreacting, but ask yourself whether you are frequently critical. Sometimes it's not that you didn't like the chair she picked, it's that you criticized the last 17 things she's suggested or done, and this is just the last straw. Or that you frequently criticize without offering alternatives (so that "let's consider alternatives" really means "you go find some more options for me to consider") so she's making all the suggestions and you're just shooting them down, rather than you offering alternatives.

Also consider your tone. You might think that the words you are saying are totally reasonable, but your tone might be coming across as condescending, abrupt, sharp, etc.

And the driving thing makes it sound like you don't really trust her judgment, and that vibe gets old fast, too.

THIS! Great response.....

[Anonymous]

I've known some people who made sure the sanest choice was to just give in to whatever they said. And if you didn't, be ready to pay the price.

Was easier just to go along until I was in a good place to go sayonara.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound controlling, tbh.

How, exactly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The way you write it sure sounds like she's overreacting, but ask yourself whether you are frequently critical. Sometimes it's not that you didn't like the chair she picked, it's that you criticized the last 17 things she's suggested or done, and this is just the last straw. Or that you frequently criticize without offering alternatives (so that "let's consider alternatives" really means "you go find some more options for me to consider") so she's making all the suggestions and you're just shooting them down, rather than you offering alternatives.

Also consider your tone. You might think that the words you are saying are totally reasonable, but your tone might be coming across as condescending, abrupt, sharp, etc.

And the driving thing makes it sound like you don't really trust her judgment, and that vibe gets old fast, too.

All this. My DH is the same with furnishings. All criticism, no alternatives.

Mine too. Or he will look for a few minutes without really thinking about it, and then we end up spending a ton of money on something neither of us love.