my wife's thin skin

[Anonymous]

If you want practical advice, here is what I suggest:

Start biting your tongue. Before you disagree with her about something or criticize something, take a minute to ask yourself whether it's necessary. Because, as was said earlier, the problem might not be your comment about the chair, per se, but about the fact that you are constantly disagreeing, criticizing, and carping about every little thing. You enjoy discussion and debate, but it's exhausting and demoralizing to live with someone who never agrees with you, who never just likes something, who always has some point they need to make. Sometimes, you just have to let shit go.

Even when you disagree, try to identify common ground and make your disagreement constructive. "I really like the color of that chair, but it's not very comfortable. What about this style or this style, in that color?" Again, it's not constructive if you just say no, but don't offer alternatives. It's just more work for her. Or "I'm sure you're going to get the hang of driving really quickly, but I would feel better if you didn't drive the kids right away. Maybe I'm being paranoid, but would you mind humoring me?"

Be careful about your tone and manner. You might want dialogue, but if you're speaking in strong, declarative sentences, or a dismissive manner, you're actually shutting the conversation down.

And look for ways to encourage, agree with, and praise your wife. If she feels constantly criticized, one result of that is that she will feel like you don't really like her, trust her, or value her, that she's just not good enough for you.
You have to show that you do and she is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The way you write it sure sounds like she's overreacting, but ask yourself whether you are frequently critical. Sometimes it's not that you didn't like the chair she picked, it's that you criticized the last 17 things she's suggested or done, and this is just the last straw. Or that you frequently criticize without offering alternatives (so that "let's consider alternatives" really means "you go find some more options for me to consider") so she's making all the suggestions and you're just shooting them down, rather than you offering alternatives.

Also consider your tone. You might think that the words you are saying are totally reasonable, but your tone might be coming across as condescending, abrupt, sharp, etc.

And the driving thing makes it sound like you don't really trust her judgment, and that vibe gets old fast, too.

This is a great reply. This person gets it. I wish we were friends and you could give me advice concerning my DH.

No, this person doesn't get it. When my wife got back behind the wheel, she made some serious mistakes, like heading down the wrong side of a median strip into oncoming traffic. Sorry, but I can't put my kids at risk. Their lives are more important than my wife's ego.

And yet what you are doing and how you frame the situation is not working.

No, you don't have to put the kids at risk. But you can protect them in a way that belittles your wife and shows contempt in how you think and speak of her, or not.

The former works for awhile, in some situations. But it eventually leads to a broken marriage.

Find a better way or deal with the consequences. Your choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you want practical advice, here is what I suggest:

Start biting your tongue. Before you disagree with her about something or criticize something, take a minute to ask yourself whether it's necessary. Because, as was said earlier, the problem might not be your comment about the chair, per se, but about the fact that you are constantly disagreeing, criticizing, and carping about every little thing. You enjoy discussion and debate, but it's exhausting and demoralizing to live with someone who never agrees with you, who never just likes something, who always has some point they need to make. Sometimes, you just have to let shit go.

Even when you disagree, try to identify common ground and make your disagreement constructive. "I really like the color of that chair, but it's not very comfortable. What about this style or this style, in that color?" Again, it's not constructive if you just say no, but don't offer alternatives. It's just more work for her. Or "I'm sure you're going to get the hang of driving really quickly, but I would feel better if you didn't drive the kids right away. Maybe I'm being paranoid, but would you mind humoring me?"

Be careful about your tone and manner. You might want dialogue, but if you're speaking in strong, declarative sentences, or a dismissive manner, you're actually shutting the conversation down.

And look for ways to encourage, agree with, and praise your wife. If she feels constantly criticized, one result of that is that she will feel like you don't really like her, trust her, or value her, that she's just not good enough for you.
You have to show that you do and she is.

With respect to the driving, I began the discussion by telling her that I would not feel comfortable driving in her country, with the kids, unless I did some practice first. In other words, I took the focus away from her, and put the focus on the situation: a driver getting acclimated to a new driving environment. I don't think I could have expressed the end in a more gentle manner.

I will take your advice with respect to biting my tongue for lesser issues. I'll give it a shot -- although I'm not challenging her on the little things. In my view, I've focused only on the big things: the kid's safety, a couple of major furniture items, etc.. But maybe I can bite my tongue even more. I'll try. I'll do what it takes to get over this hump and get the gears turning again.

[Anonymous]

If my husband was married to your wife, there probably would be a similar dynamic going on.

Luckily for us, I have thick skin, and there is not an iota of passiveness in me. So when I am offended by his complaints, I confront him. And he is very much aware that he "bitches" (his words).

It is not an issue for us because we address it on the spot. We don't wait for issues to pile up.


So I guess you could either stop "bitching" or your wife could be more aggressive about calling you out when you are being too critical

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
If my husband was married to your wife, there probably would be a similar dynamic going on.

Luckily for us, I have thick skin, and there is not an iota of passiveness in me. So when I am offended by his complaints, I confront him. And he is very much aware that he "bitches" (his words).

It is not an issue for us because we address it on the spot. We don't wait for issues to pile up.

So I guess you could either stop "bitching" or your wife could be more aggressive about calling you out when you are being too critical

Give me an example of your husband being "bitchy", so that I can understand this a bit better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The way you write it sure sounds like she's overreacting, but ask yourself whether you are frequently critical. Sometimes it's not that you didn't like the chair she picked, it's that you criticized the last 17 things she's suggested or done, and this is just the last straw. Or that you frequently criticize without offering alternatives (so that "let's consider alternatives" really means "you go find some more options for me to consider") so she's making all the suggestions and you're just shooting them down, rather than you offering alternatives.

Also consider your tone. You might think that the words you are saying are totally reasonable, but your tone might be coming across as condescending, abrupt, sharp, etc.

And the driving thing makes it sound like you don't really trust her judgment, and that vibe gets old fast, too.

This is a great reply. This person gets it. I wish we were friends and you could give me advice concerning my DH.

No, this person doesn't get it. When my wife got back behind the wheel, she made some serious mistakes, like heading down the wrong side of a median strip into oncoming traffic. Sorry, but I can't put my kids at risk. Their lives are more important than my wife's ego.

And yet what you are doing and how you frame the situation is not working.

No, you don't have to put the kids at risk. But you can protect them in a way that belittles your wife and shows contempt in how you think and speak of her, or not.

The former works for awhile, in some situations. But it eventually leads to a broken marriage.

Find a better way or deal with the consequences. Your choice.

+1

You might be right, but it's not enough to be right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What country is she from?

Not relevant, Donald.

It is incredibly relevant.

[Anonymous]

I am the person who finds you exhausting. Your example of her driving the wrong way is much better. In that case, you need to take over driving the kids. I agree with the outcome and dont think thats controlling. I woul also tell her she can't drive with the kids. In deciding she cant drive with the kids, I'm the one who is now responsible for driving the kids. End of the discussion. She agreed with you, yet it still required a back and forth? Why?

[Anonymous]

Can someone give a good example of what the wife ought to say? Assuming that she likes the chair and isn’t interested in doing any additional shopping, what is a reasonable response to her DH saying that he doesn’t like the chair and wants to shop together?

[Anonymous]

By chance, op are you a litigator?

You said you need dialogue. Do you need dialogue for other trivial things? Not everything requires a compromise or someone to be right or wrong.

The car thing wasn't trivial. You gave an opinion, she told you the a swer to your opinion which Is obviously that you drive.

If she wants Italian for dinner and you want Chinese do you feel she is thinned skinned because she just agrees to chinese?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The way you write it sure sounds like she's overreacting, but ask yourself whether you are frequently critical. Sometimes it's not that you didn't like the chair she picked, it's that you criticized the last 17 things she's suggested or done, and this is just the last straw. Or that you frequently criticize without offering alternatives (so that "let's consider alternatives" really means "you go find some more options for me to consider") so she's making all the suggestions and you're just shooting them down, rather than you offering alternatives.

Also consider your tone. You might think that the words you are saying are totally reasonable, but your tone might be coming across as condescending, abrupt, sharp, etc.

And the driving thing makes it sound like you don't really trust her judgment, and that vibe gets old fast, too.

Great response. DH has a tendency to only be negative without offering constructive alternatives. I do it sometimes too. We try to keep each other in check...and DH, in particular, will often keep his mouth shut if he doesn't want to do the work to find the alternatives (which is frustrating in its own way, but better than being criticized all the time).

Her all-or-nothing attitude, though, is pretty passive aggressive. Make sure she doesn't start doing that with your kids. My mom was like that. I kind of understand where it came from with my dad...but when you're a kid, having your mom pout and throw her hands up when you're just doing kid things is not healthy.

[Anonymous]

I don't think his wife is all or nothing.

If I spent hours looking for a chair and finally found one I liked, sent it to my husband and he said he didn't like it, I would likely divest myself from the process and just put it in his hands if I'm not very concerned about something as small as furniture. If I was invested in the chair I would just go find another one. I still don't see why everything has to be a ping pong match.

Op can't make his wife a better driver. She has to practice. Maybe she is unwilling. I still don't see why that would require any action on hisbwifes part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The way you write it sure sounds like she's overreacting, but ask yourself whether you are frequently critical. Sometimes it's not that you didn't like the chair she picked, it's that you criticized the last 17 things she's suggested or done, and this is just the last straw. Or that you frequently criticize without offering alternatives (so that "let's consider alternatives" really means "you go find some more options for me to consider") so she's making all the suggestions and you're just shooting them down, rather than you offering alternatives.

Also consider your tone. You might think that the words you are saying are totally reasonable, but your tone might be coming across as condescending, abrupt, sharp, etc.

And the driving thing makes it sound like you don't really trust her judgment, and that vibe gets old fast, too.

Great response. DH has a tendency to only be negative without offering constructive alternatives. I do it sometimes too. We try to keep each other in check...and DH, in particular, will often keep his mouth shut if he doesn't want to do the work to find the alternatives (which is frustrating in its own way, but better than being criticized all the time).

Her all-or-nothing attitude, though, is pretty passive aggressive. Make sure she doesn't start doing that with your kids. My mom was like that. I kind of understand where it came from with my dad...but when you're a kid, having your mom pout and throw her hands up when you're just doing kid things is not healthy.

My mom was like OP. It also sucks to write your mom a poem or draw her a picture and have her send you back to redo it when she doesn’t like it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can someone give a good example of what the wife ought to say? Assuming that she likes the chair and isn’t interested in doing any additional shopping, what is a reasonable response to her DH saying that he doesn’t like the chair and wants to shop together?

"I honestly thought you would like it. Anyway, I am tired of searching, and I am going to buy it. I told you I was searching earlier, and you waited this long for your input. You should let me know your preference earlier next time."
"Stop whining and do it yourself next time or offer suggestions earlier rather than criticize all the effort I have put in."

I have used these, but it is easy for me to say these because my husband knows exactly what I am talking about.

Sometimes, if the issue/purchase is more important to him than it is to me I indulge his complaints and try to figure out what he wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
If my husband was married to your wife, there probably would be a similar dynamic going on.

Luckily for us, I have thick skin, and there is not an iota of passiveness in me. So when I am offended by his complaints, I confront him. And he is very much aware that he "bitches" (his words).

It is not an issue for us because we address it on the spot. We don't wait for issues to pile up.

So I guess you could either stop "bitching" or your wife could be more aggressive about calling you out when you are being too critical

Give me an example of your husband being "bitchy", so that I can understand this a bit better.

Me: Contractor is coming to do some major A, B and C projects around the house. Do you want to guide him on some of the projects or give me some tips? Do you want to help me figue out where the laundry should be?
Husband: Not really.
Husband after work is done: I can't believe he put in a door with such a horrible lock. I can't believe the laundry is on the second floor-it's a recipe for a disaster.
Me: I can't believe you would complain about these things after refusing to get involved with the projects. I don't want to hear it.