my wife's thin skin

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Sometimes people feel something because that is how they feel. Period. I would feel blind rage and hatred towards a spouse who doesn’t allow me to feel a certain way without explaining to his satisfaction the thought process behind the feeling.

The comment about contempt earlier in the thread is spot on.

And I feel anger when my children's lives are put at risk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. Your issues large stem from conversational differences that set you guys up behind the eight ball before you even start a discussion. You have different ways of communicating and you have to learn to compromise and speak in ways that will make your partner more receptive to what you have to say.

I hope you are right. That is, I hope the problems arise from conversational differences. If so, I think we can solve our problems.

I wonder, though, if for some issues my wife simply can't reason her way through. She sometimes leaps from A to Z, and I'm unable to trace the thought process that falls in the middle. When I ask "can you explain why you feel that way?" she is sometimes unable. She can't explain how or why she reached her own conclusions. There have been odd lapses in judgment now and then which suggests that no real thinking is taking place ... kind of like a teenager who doesn't look before they leap. This makes me nervous, because when a parent is responsible for a child's life, the parent MUST look before they leap.

PP from above. You have to have an element of trust, basically that your wife has just as much care and love and intrinsic parental concern as you have, but has a different perspective. Your wife comes from a different culture and it sounds like English may not be her first language. Sometimes the reasoning behind why she feels a certain way is cultural instinct based on the culture she was raised in. For example, I'm first generation American and I know that my parents have certain cultural biases for the way kids should be raised. They instilled those values is me. Growing up bi-culturally, and with English as my first language, I can articulate how my parents came to certain conclusions and decisions, but they can't, at least often not in English. There are certain concepts that don't exist in American English that exist in my parents culture. If my wife wants to understand something, I can translate and explain how such a thought, custom or practice is prioritized. My wife understands my parents and family better because I can explain some of the customs and practices in English in a way that she can understand. I understand both my wife's defaults and my parents and can bridge that. I've seen a lot of immigrants from my parents country (although my parents came in the 1950's) have difficulties explaining their cultural heritage, customs and practices to their American-born spouses. Sometimes it's hard to explain something that you were just raised with as a cultural norm and you don't always have the words to describe it.

Have you ever done any reading up on family raising practices from your wife's culture? You may find that issues that she can't explain are better explained by understanding the culture she comes from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Sometimes people feel something because that is how they feel. Period. I would feel blind rage and hatred towards a spouse who doesn’t allow me to feel a certain way without explaining to his satisfaction the thought process behind the feeling.

The comment about contempt earlier in the thread is spot on.

And I feel anger when my children's lives are put at risk.

Then maybe you need to take your children and get a divorce from the inferior an unintelligent person you married. What were you thinking, OP? Damn, I hope they don’t take after her!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. Your issues large stem from conversational differences that set you guys up behind the eight ball before you even start a discussion. You have different ways of communicating and you have to learn to compromise and speak in ways that will make your partner more receptive to what you have to say.

I hope you are right. That is, I hope the problems arise from conversational differences. If so, I think we can solve our problems.

I wonder, though, if for some issues my wife simply can't reason her way through. She sometimes leaps from A to Z, and I'm unable to trace the thought process that falls in the middle. When I ask "can you explain why you feel that way?" she is sometimes unable. She can't explain how or why she reached her own conclusions. There have been odd lapses in judgment now and then which suggests that no real thinking is taking place ... kind of like a teenager who doesn't look before they leap. This makes me nervous, because when a parent is responsible for a child's life, the parent MUST look before they leap.

For everyone wondering why people are calling OP hypercritical or saying the advice would be different if it were a woman asking: here he gets concrete advice about communications strategies and pivots directly to "but what if she's simply too stupid and immature to communicate with?"

What a patient, long-suffering husband!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The way you write it sure sounds like she's overreacting, but ask yourself whether you are frequently critical. Sometimes it's not that you didn't like the chair she picked, it's that you criticized the last 17 things she's suggested or done, and this is just the last straw. Or that you frequently criticize without offering alternatives (so that "let's consider alternatives" really means "you go find some more options for me to consider") so she's making all the suggestions and you're just shooting them down, rather than you offering alternatives.

Also consider your tone. You might think that the words you are saying are totally reasonable, but your tone might be coming across as condescending, abrupt, sharp, etc.

And the driving thing makes it sound like you don't really trust her judgment, and that vibe gets old fast, too.

Yes, this.

this is solid advice for dealing with someone with skin as thin as tissue paper. Walk on eggshells around her and play out every scenario of her potential over blown reaction and choose the one that will cause her the least amount of upset to her delicate ego.

Right? I am so glad I am a heterosexual woman. I could not IMAGINE being married to someone where you needed to think through every single word uttered to her, lest you damage her very delicate ego. I truly feel bad for me. I'm surprised more do not bat for the other team and I'm not at all shocked by the all of the men who pump and dump through apps like tinder rather than dealing with the hassle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. Your issues large stem from conversational differences that set you guys up behind the eight ball before you even start a discussion. You have different ways of communicating and you have to learn to compromise and speak in ways that will make your partner more receptive to what you have to say.

I hope you are right. That is, I hope the problems arise from conversational differences. If so, I think we can solve our problems.

I wonder, though, if for some issues my wife simply can't reason her way through. She sometimes leaps from A to Z, and I'm unable to trace the thought process that falls in the middle. When I ask "can you explain why you feel that way?" she is sometimes unable. She can't explain how or why she reached her own conclusions. There have been odd lapses in judgment now and then which suggests that no real thinking is taking place ... kind of like a teenager who doesn't look before they leap. This makes me nervous, because when a parent is responsible for a child's life, the parent MUST look before they leap.

For everyone wondering why people are calling OP hypercritical or saying the advice would be different if it were a woman asking: here he gets concrete advice about communications strategies and pivots directly to "but what if she's simply too stupid and immature to communicate with?"

What a patient, long-suffering husband!

No, that isn't what I wrote. It isn't a question of intelligence. Had I questioned my wife's intelligence, I would have mentioned that in my original post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. Your issues large stem from conversational differences that set you guys up behind the eight ball before you even start a discussion. You have different ways of communicating and you have to learn to compromise and speak in ways that will make your partner more receptive to what you have to say.

I hope you are right. That is, I hope the problems arise from conversational differences. If so, I think we can solve our problems.

I wonder, though, if for some issues my wife simply can't reason her way through. She sometimes leaps from A to Z, and I'm unable to trace the thought process that falls in the middle. When I ask "can you explain why you feel that way?" she is sometimes unable. She can't explain how or why she reached her own conclusions. There have been odd lapses in judgment now and then which suggests that no real thinking is taking place ... kind of like a teenager who doesn't look before they leap. This makes me nervous, because when a parent is responsible for a child's life, the parent MUST look before they leap.

For everyone wondering why people are calling OP hypercritical or saying the advice would be different if it were a woman asking: here he gets concrete advice about communications strategies and pivots directly to "but what if she's simply too stupid and immature to communicate with?"

What a patient, long-suffering husband!

No, that isn't what I wrote. It isn't a question of intelligence. Had I questioned my wife's intelligence, I would have mentioned that in my original post.

Saying someone "can't reason" is calling them unintelligent. But color me shocked that you're trying to argue and prove you're right and didn't say anything awful about your wife, when the truth is there in black and white. Tell us more about how she's crazy to not want to discuss things with you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. Your issues large stem from conversational differences that set you guys up behind the eight ball before you even start a discussion. You have different ways of communicating and you have to learn to compromise and speak in ways that will make your partner more receptive to what you have to say.

I hope you are right. That is, I hope the problems arise from conversational differences. If so, I think we can solve our problems.

I wonder, though, if for some issues my wife simply can't reason her way through. She sometimes leaps from A to Z, and I'm unable to trace the thought process that falls in the middle. When I ask "can you explain why you feel that way?" she is sometimes unable. She can't explain how or why she reached her own conclusions. There have been odd lapses in judgment now and then which suggests that no real thinking is taking place ... kind of like a teenager who doesn't look before they leap. This makes me nervous, because when a parent is responsible for a child's life, the parent MUST look before they leap.

For everyone wondering why people are calling OP hypercritical or saying the advice would be different if it were a woman asking: here he gets concrete advice about communications strategies and pivots directly to "but what if she's simply too stupid and immature to communicate with?"

What a patient, long-suffering husband!

No, that isn't what I wrote. It isn't a question of intelligence. Had I questioned my wife's intelligence, I would have mentioned that in my original post.

Saying someone "can't reason" is calling them unintelligent. But color me shocked that you're trying to argue and prove you're right and didn't say anything awful about your wife, when the truth is there in black and white. Tell us more about how she's crazy to not want to discuss things with you!

Again, that isn't what I wrote.

A person might experience road rage, and they aren't reasoning during that momentary lapse of judgment. Because if they were to reason their way through it, they would quickly realize that they are taking an insane gamble without any chance of a positive outcome.

An alcoholic might not reason when they reach for the bottle.

An angry employee might not reason in the moment that they yell at their co-worker or their boss.

There individuals could be highly intelligent despite the fact they acted stupidly or without thinking.
----------------------------
My wife is intelligent. I wouldn't have married her otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. Your issues large stem from conversational differences that set you guys up behind the eight ball before you even start a discussion. You have different ways of communicating and you have to learn to compromise and speak in ways that will make your partner more receptive to what you have to say.

I hope you are right. That is, I hope the problems arise from conversational differences. If so, I think we can solve our problems.

I wonder, though, if for some issues my wife simply can't reason her way through. She sometimes leaps from A to Z, and I'm unable to trace the thought process that falls in the middle. When I ask "can you explain why you feel that way?" she is sometimes unable. She can't explain how or why she reached her own conclusions. There have been odd lapses in judgment now and then which suggests that no real thinking is taking place ... kind of like a teenager who doesn't look before they leap. This makes me nervous, because when a parent is responsible for a child's life, the parent MUST look before they leap.

For everyone wondering why people are calling OP hypercritical or saying the advice would be different if it were a woman asking: here he gets concrete advice about communications strategies and pivots directly to "but what if she's simply too stupid and immature to communicate with?"

What a patient, long-suffering husband!

No, that isn't what I wrote. It isn't a question of intelligence. Had I questioned my wife's intelligence, I would have mentioned that in my original post.

Saying someone "can't reason" is calling them unintelligent. But color me shocked that you're trying to argue and prove you're right and didn't say anything awful about your wife, when the truth is there in black and white. Tell us more about how she's crazy to not want to discuss things with you!

Again, that isn't what I wrote.

A person might experience road rage, and they aren't reasoning during that momentary lapse of judgment. Because if they were to reason their way through it, they would quickly realize that they are taking an insane gamble without any chance of a positive outcome.

An alcoholic might not reason when they reach for the bottle.

An angry employee might not reason in the moment that they yell at their co-worker or their boss.

There individuals could be highly intelligent despite the fact they acted stupidly or without thinking.
----------------------------
My wife is intelligent. I wouldn't have married her otherwise.

I'm the PP who said you have communication issues. Remember what I said? Communication is half sending the right message and half receiving the right message. The way you are communicating here means that you are more concerned with what you are conveying and not particularly concerned with the message that the audience is receiving. While you can argue what you intended, the message that was received. It also seems to me that you are questioning your wife's intelligence because you say:

I wonder, though, if for some issues my wife simply can't reason her way through.
She sometimes leaps from A to Z, and I'm unable to trace the thought process that falls in the middle. When I ask "can you explain why you feel that way?" she is sometimes unable.
She can't explain how or why she reached her own conclusions.
There have been odd lapses in judgment now and then which suggests that no real thinking is taking place ... kind of like a teenager who doesn't look before they leap.
This makes me nervous, because when a parent is responsible for a child's life, the parent MUST look before they leap.

All of the underlined sounds like you are questioning your wife's intelligence. Even if you take it graciously, it's still very condescending. You are clearly setting up a two-tier structure where you are the responsible and intelligent parent and your wife is an irresponsible parent. If you have this attitude IRL, it's no wonder your wife is exasperated at your communication. If this is not your intent, you need to very seriously change your communication because your words are very condescending and dismissive. You consider her unsafe. You are labeling her irresponsible. And you are not allowing her to parent her way. You can justify your actions all you want, but you are not trying to co-parent, you are trying to dictate. You need to find different ways to communicate and address your parenting and partnership disparities because you are definitely not being an equal or fair partner, based on your words in this thread. And your wife perceives this and it frustrated by you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. Your issues large stem from conversational differences that set you guys up behind the eight ball before you even start a discussion. You have different ways of communicating and you have to learn to compromise and speak in ways that will make your partner more receptive to what you have to say.

I hope you are right. That is, I hope the problems arise from conversational differences. If so, I think we can solve our problems.

I wonder, though, if for some issues my wife simply can't reason her way through. She sometimes leaps from A to Z, and I'm unable to trace the thought process that falls in the middle. When I ask "can you explain why you feel that way?" she is sometimes unable. She can't explain how or why she reached her own conclusions. There have been odd lapses in judgment now and then which suggests that no real thinking is taking place ... kind of like a teenager who doesn't look before they leap. This makes me nervous, because when a parent is responsible for a child's life, the parent MUST look before they leap.

For everyone wondering why people are calling OP hypercritical or saying the advice would be different if it were a woman asking: here he gets concrete advice about communications strategies and pivots directly to "but what if she's simply too stupid and immature to communicate with?"

What a patient, long-suffering husband!

No, that isn't what I wrote. It isn't a question of intelligence. Had I questioned my wife's intelligence, I would have mentioned that in my original post.

Saying someone "can't reason" is calling them unintelligent. But color me shocked that you're trying to argue and prove you're right and didn't say anything awful about your wife, when the truth is there in black and white. Tell us more about how she's crazy to not want to discuss things with you!

Again, that isn't what I wrote.

A person might experience road rage, and they aren't reasoning during that momentary lapse of judgment. Because if they were to reason their way through it, they would quickly realize that they are taking an insane gamble without any chance of a positive outcome.

An alcoholic might not reason when they reach for the bottle.

An angry employee might not reason in the moment that they yell at their co-worker or their boss.

There individuals could be highly intelligent despite the fact they acted stupidly or without thinking.
----------------------------
My wife is intelligent. I wouldn't have married her otherwise.

I'm the PP who said you have communication issues. Remember what I said? Communication is half sending the right message and half receiving the right message. The way you are communicating here means that you are more concerned with what you are conveying and not particularly concerned with the message that the audience is receiving. While you can argue what you intended, the message that was received. It also seems to me that you are questioning your wife's intelligence because you say:

I wonder, though, if for some issues my wife simply can't reason her way through.
She sometimes leaps from A to Z, and I'm unable to trace the thought process that falls in the middle. When I ask "can you explain why you feel that way?" she is sometimes unable.
She can't explain how or why she reached her own conclusions.
There have been odd lapses in judgment now and then which suggests that no real thinking is taking place ... kind of like a teenager who doesn't look before they leap.
This makes me nervous, because when a parent is responsible for a child's life, the parent MUST look before they leap.

All of the underlined sounds like you are questioning your wife's intelligence. Even if you take it graciously, it's still very condescending. You are clearly setting up a two-tier structure where you are the responsible and intelligent parent and your wife is an irresponsible parent. If you have this attitude IRL, it's no wonder your wife is exasperated at your communication. If this is not your intent, you need to very seriously change your communication because your words are very condescending and dismissive. You consider her unsafe. You are labeling her irresponsible. And you are not allowing her to parent her way. You can justify your actions all you want, but you are not trying to co-parent, you are trying to dictate. You need to find different ways to communicate and address your parenting and partnership disparities because you are definitely not being an equal or fair partner, based on your words in this thread. And your wife perceives this and it frustrated by you.

+1

(applauds)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. Your issues large stem from conversational differences that set you guys up behind the eight ball before you even start a discussion. You have different ways of communicating and you have to learn to compromise and speak in ways that will make your partner more receptive to what you have to say.

I hope you are right. That is, I hope the problems arise from conversational differences. If so, I think we can solve our problems.

I wonder, though, if for some issues my wife simply can't reason her way through. She sometimes leaps from A to Z, and I'm unable to trace the thought process that falls in the middle. When I ask "can you explain why you feel that way?" she is sometimes unable. She can't explain how or why she reached her own conclusions. There have been odd lapses in judgment now and then which suggests that no real thinking is taking place ... kind of like a teenager who doesn't look before they leap. This makes me nervous, because when a parent is responsible for a child's life, the parent MUST look before they leap.

For everyone wondering why people are calling OP hypercritical or saying the advice would be different if it were a woman asking: here he gets concrete advice about communications strategies and pivots directly to "but what if she's simply too stupid and immature to communicate with?"

What a patient, long-suffering husband!

No, that isn't what I wrote. It isn't a question of intelligence. Had I questioned my wife's intelligence, I would have mentioned that in my original post.

Saying someone "can't reason" is calling them unintelligent. But color me shocked that you're trying to argue and prove you're right and didn't say anything awful about your wife, when the truth is there in black and white. Tell us more about how she's crazy to not want to discuss things with you!

Again, that isn't what I wrote.

A person might experience road rage, and they aren't reasoning during that momentary lapse of judgment. Because if they were to reason their way through it, they would quickly realize that they are taking an insane gamble without any chance of a positive outcome.

An alcoholic might not reason when they reach for the bottle.

An angry employee might not reason in the moment that they yell at their co-worker or their boss.

There individuals could be highly intelligent despite the fact they acted stupidly or without thinking.
----------------------------
My wife is intelligent. I wouldn't have married her otherwise.

I'm the PP who said you have communication issues. Remember what I said? Communication is half sending the right message and half receiving the right message. The way you are communicating here means that you are more concerned with what you are conveying and not particularly concerned with the message that the audience is receiving. While you can argue what you intended, the message that was received. It also seems to me that you are questioning your wife's intelligence because you say:

I wonder, though, if for some issues my wife simply can't reason her way through.
She sometimes leaps from A to Z, and I'm unable to trace the thought process that falls in the middle. When I ask "can you explain why you feel that way?" she is sometimes unable.
She can't explain how or why she reached her own conclusions.
There have been odd lapses in judgment now and then which suggests that no real thinking is taking place ... kind of like a teenager who doesn't look before they leap.
This makes me nervous, because when a parent is responsible for a child's life, the parent MUST look before they leap.

All of the underlined sounds like you are questioning your wife's intelligence. Even if you take it graciously, it's still very condescending. You are clearly setting up a two-tier structure where you are the responsible and intelligent parent and your wife is an irresponsible parent. If you have this attitude IRL, it's no wonder your wife is exasperated at your communication. If this is not your intent, you need to very seriously change your communication because your words are very condescending and dismissive. You consider her unsafe. You are labeling her irresponsible. And you are not allowing her to parent her way. You can justify your actions all you want, but you are not trying to co-parent, you are trying to dictate. You need to find different ways to communicate and address your parenting and partnership disparities because you are definitely not being an equal or fair partner, based on your words in this thread. And your wife perceives this and it frustrated by you.

+1

(applauds)

I do appreciate the advice you have given me. The reason I keep trying to further explain my situation is because when you go to the doctor with a migraine, but get treated for poison ivy, you walk away without a cure. And I want a cure.

One of the posters offered me some suggestions for how I should have raised the driving issue with my wife. Well, those suggestions basically mirrored the actual conversations I had with my wife. So the medicine you are prescribing was used from the outset.

Perhaps the most logical explanation is that cultural differences are leading to the problems, as some posters have suggested. I am not a stranger to my wife's country -- I've both lived and worked there -- but I'm not an expert and can't pretend I have a deep understanding of the culture. I'll make an effort to learn more.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't think you know how you come across. I think you and your wife need an objective, trained third party to understand and improve the communication.

All we get is your side, right? And there is this simmering, deep pool of resentment and contempt that is bleeding out around the edges, sometimes subtly, sometimes not so subtly.

Yeah, I would be mad if my kids were put in danger, I really would. And I'm sure there are a lot of good reasons for anger in the moment. There's still this other thing, though, and it needs to be worked through and dealt with.

It is supposed to be the two of you against the problem, not against each other. You're telling us it is impossible to get her to work with you. Okay, then. Get some real healp from someone who a) knows what they are doing, and b) isn't just hearing part of the story.

[Anonymous]

(help, not "healp")

[Anonymous]

And OP, you need to hear this loud and clear - your wife, the mother of the children, does not want to harm them or put them in danger. She grew them personally. When you claim that she is putting their lives at risk by driving, which she has done in the past in her own country with no incidents, she will not be able to listen to you.

You are an abrasive communicator.

[Anonymous]

How long has your wife been in this country? If over 5 years, I’m not sure cultural differences can explain the divide.
OP - how often do these lapses in judgement occur? Once every six months- not a big deal. Once a month - get into joint counseling ASAP.