Requests from a Sibing who is there for Elderly Parents
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Anonymous
I'm with you. Once I am diagnosed with something life threatening and am past a certain age or once I can tell I am losing it, I want to chose my death date. Up until then I shall party, eat anything I want, see the friends and family I want to see, tell everyone how much I love them and then I want to pass away in a deep slumber. I want my funeral to be festive and fun-a celebration of life. |
Anonymous
Unfortunately you don't always get that choice. |
Anonymous
I forgot to add-I will take some exotic vacations too. I will make sure my funeral is covered of course and I will want each person to be given either small bottle of champagne or bubbly apple juice in order to say cheers to my wonderful life or to that crazy bitch. They will also get chocolate truffles or some sort of treat in my honor. I will give my kids instructions that include using a chunk of the money they inherit from me to do something fun and relaxing like a wonderful trip. |
Anonymous
When you don't get that choice and somehow on life support despite your wishes, then it's on those who decided to go against your wishes. |
Anonymous
When we were in this situation. What worked for us was to tell the parent that the service was trying to train people and they were looking for someone like herself to help train people to go into people's homes and help them. We told them that the company was having quite a bit of trouble finding homes that would do this training. (If money is tight for the parent and you have a bit, you can also offer a small stipend for their "help") Making about the helping someon else was the door in. |
Anonymous
THings wil look different when you are there. I have seen many people say this when they are healthy, but when they get to that moment, they just do not think they are there yet. |
Anonymous
IME, it isn't the driving to the doctor's appointment that is the reason a family member accompanies the parent, it is to be another set of eyes and ears and to relay to the doctor what is going on because th parent cannot do that or keep track of what the doctor says. It is good to have one person be in charge and stay on top of everything. |
Anonymous
Actually, they don't. If they need "a lot of....assistance" they kick them out and send them to a nursing home. |
Anonymous
This response burns me up. PP is most likely the type that the OP is referring to. These types think there is an answer for everything so the one in the trenches doing the heavy lifting is obviously making it hard on themselves, naturally? Has it ever occurred to types like the PP that even if the community offers transport to doctors appointments someone has to arrange for such a thing. Plus, who will sit in with the elderly parent during the drs. appt. because a community transport worker will not so elderly mom or dad will have to process all the medical information coming their way on their own. At a minimum that is not ideal, but can actually prove dangerous. For the siblings that live far away and are unable to help the local sib just show your appreciation. It really is that simple. Offering "helpful" answers from afar is offensive. |
Anonymous
+100 Unless the family has the money, and it takes a significant amount, to hire oversight you do not want to know what the reality is in such a situation. I know via my profession. Even in the most caring facilities there is so much that would give you great pause. Nightmares. Having family present and involved IS the single factor that makes the difference in care. |
Anonymous
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WHen my father was diagnosed with stage 4squamous skin cancer, we moved him up to my house so that I could take him to daily radiation treatments (he was too weak for chemo). He lived 6-7 hours drive away and I could not leave my family for the 8-10weeks that would involve (surgery, recovery,radiation). We had just decided the month before that my father would move into Vinson Hall as soon as we could sell his house- so it provided a way to have him move earlier and establish doctors immediately. My sister had just had a mastectomy and was undergoing chemo herself and thus could not help with any of the heavy lifting. This is what my sister and Dad did when my Dad moved in with my family for what ended up to be the last nine months of his life:
1) She insisted that my Dad write a check to me every month "representing" the amount he would have to pay when he finally moved into the planned CCC near us. My father wholeheartedly agreed. I had to be worn down, but in the end negotiated a smaller amount, but still something. My sister proved to be correct, our expenses ended up increasing about $1k per month and while we could afford it- not having to helped. It also helped psychologically because it showed that my sister (and Dad) acknowledged the effort we were doing and it made me feel more valued. We put the remaining $ into our then freshman at college's 529. 2) Once her chemo allowed, she came down once a month, then every two weeks to visit and/or to allow DH and I to get away. On one trip we took our other son on college tours during spring break and on another we drove to pick up our older son at the end of his freshman year. Sometimes she brought her family. 3) She Facetimed at least once a day. She had her children FaceTime several times a week. She sent postcards. SHe had other people send postcards. 4) She wanted to be informed as much as possible and we did discussed treatments with her. 5) She brought fun things and practical things every time she visited. It was still a very long slog and emotionally draining. My father never made it to Vinson Hall and died in our bedroom. Peacefully and with family - my sister and her family were down for the weekend (pre planned, it just worked out that way). We did not have a funeral. My father was feted before we left his home and had had a chance to say goodbye to his friends there. His two brothers had visited in our home before he died. We had a memorial luncheon at a local restaurant with local family and close friends. We had found some of his letters that repriesented many stages of his life and I read them between courses. It was intimate and meaningful. We buried him next to my mother the next month in the Midwest town my mother had grown up. After reading the relationships that other people have n this site and specifically in this thread, I am grateful for my sister and my relationship and friendship. He died 18 months ago. It looks like we are going to finally sell his house- settlement date is at the end of the month. (DH was fantastic during this time too, but this thread is about siblings.) |
Anonymous
Amen. It's not okay to put a relative in assisted living and then expect to do nothing for that person. It burns me up, too when adult children don't visit and easily could. They'll manage to show up to the reading of the will! |
Anonymous
I think something happens as some people age. They get old and conservative and selfish. They forget these pledges to not be a burden and grasp at life. Maybe it can't be helped in some people. I'm already more conservative than 20 years ago. Amazing how we close in and change. |
Anonymous
Yeah, those selfish old people, not wanting to kill themselves. 
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Anonymous
This xs infinity. I just lived through this with my mother and a terminal illness. People can visualize and say all they want what they would do under certain circumstances, but when you’re in the thick of it, living it, facing your own mortality, all bets are off and people often change their mind. Same goes for the people around you who aren’t dying. Many won’t want to sit in a room waiting for you to take that deadly sleeping pill and toast you farewell, because it’s too stressful for them or they can’t let go. Hopefully you won’t face this dilemma, but I’ve lived it, and people who say they would do something don’t and people who say they would never do something do. |