Requests from a Sibing who is there for Elderly Parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, why/how did tou sign up for this? Money? Would you say if it was about money (probably not)? I know someone in this situation, they abused the parent and stole everything the parent/family had, for terrible reasons - not least of which, she felt "owed". Not saying this is you, but it happens. Not everyone who takes a parent in has good intentions - some are truly awful.

If you truly suspect someone isw doing this, then you step up to the plate and take care of your parent. Move the parent in with you.

The parent is unwilling to relocate, and insists the parent beater/berater is "petfect".

At some point it isn't a choice. We forced my MIL to move. We were clear we couldn't take care of her long distance. At that point she knew she ran out of options but it took years of convincing. We flew out within a few weeks and moved her. My MIL was far from perfect. My husband wasn't close to her at all. But you do it to set a good example for your kids as that may be you one day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you choose a particular way, that is hard, but it's the way that is acceptable to you, but not to me. For example, a parent is refusing to accept hired help and you do it yourself. You talk to me about it. I don't offer physical help, only financial. You keep talking about how hard it is. I understand that you need to vent. I hope you don't expect that I will actually help physically.

What is someone supposed to do if the parent will not take hired help? It takes more than financial help, especially if you are only doing something like a few hundred a month. You have no idea how hard it is. Step up and be decent and help. Or hire someone directly to come in and manage it.

The parent knows whose buttons he/she can press. While the parent has the power over one sibling no hiring can be done (the parent will not open the door, will not accept food delivery or cleaning service, etc). What do you suggest in such case?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am amazed at the expectation that someone should print out a picture. If you want the picture then you print it and mail it and make it easy. My MIL is in a nursing home and its still a lot of work dealing with the nursing home which is terrible, buying her clothing and everything she needs (which we often pay for out of our money) and visiting at least weekly.

My Dad is declining and my parents are separated. Mom wants to control everything related to money and my sister wants an opinion. I have had it and told them to deal with it as if they want to have all the control and decision making there is no need for me to get involved. (I'm going to have to pick up all the pieces as they will not do anything but send emails saying what needs to be done). My sister's attitude is she live far away. (well, we can fix that and move away too).

Why not give your other relatives sizes and ask them to order clothes for your MIL? You can bring the clothes to her when you visit. Folks in nursing homes don't need a lot of stuff (no room for it) but they do need clean, comfy clothes and shoes.

Your own parents being married but separated with your dad's health declining and your mom controlling all the money is a bad situation. I have no suggestions for that, sorry that your mom is making this so difficult for you though.

We have asked others to buy clothing. My MIL has 4 siblings. Not one will help. I have sent out a list of needs, including sizes, styles and even suggested really cheap things and not one person has sent anything. I have asked them to call the nursing home weekly to check in. At best one calls one of us yearly to ask how she is doing.

You are wrong about not needing stuff. The clothing regularly gets destroyed by their laundry and/or gets lost or misplaced in someone else room (I regularly go through her stuff). I have to basically replace a lot every six months. Socks every 2-3. I am not spending a lot and buy on clearance and put away as she needs them. She also has another son who completely checked out. She has her own room. We have it nicely decorated and bough her furniture, bedding (which keeps getting lost), curtains and pictures to make it feel like home. We treat her as we'd want to be treated in her situation. And, it makes it more comfortable to visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, why/how did tou sign up for this? Money? Would you say if it was about money (probably not)? I know someone in this situation, they abused the parent and stole everything the parent/family had, for terrible reasons - not least of which, she felt "owed". Not saying this is you, but it happens. Not everyone who takes a parent in has good intentions - some are truly awful.

If you truly suspect someone isw doing this, then you step up to the plate and take care of your parent. Move the parent in with you.

The parent is unwilling to relocate, and insists the parent beater/berater is "petfect".

At some point it isn't a choice. We forced my MIL to move. We were clear we couldn't take care of her long distance. At that point she knew she ran out of options but it took years of convincing. We flew out within a few weeks and moved her. My MIL was far from perfect. My husband wasn't close to her at all. But you do it to set a good example for your kids as that may be you one day.

Lord, hopefully you learned from that what NOT to do to your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you choose a particular way, that is hard, but it's the way that is acceptable to you, but not to me. For example, a parent is refusing to accept hired help and you do it yourself. You talk to me about it. I don't offer physical help, only financial. You keep talking about how hard it is. I understand that you need to vent. I hope you don't expect that I will actually help physically.

What is someone supposed to do if the parent will not take hired help? It takes more than financial help, especially if you are only doing something like a few hundred a month. You have no idea how hard it is. Step up and be decent and help. Or hire someone directly to come in and manage it.

The parent knows whose buttons he/she can press. While the parent has the power over one sibling no hiring can be done (the parent will not open the door, will not accept food delivery or cleaning service, etc). What do you suggest in such case?

We forced it when we were long distance. We had food delivery just show up so my MIL would be overwhelmed and have a tuff time refusing. You can make it work. You have to push the issue. Or, do more to help that sibling so they can help the parent more. For us, I have both my MIL and Father declining and I'm it. My sister and mom dictate but I cannot be at 3 places at once caring for our kids and their activities, visit my MIL and care for my father. My attitude is if my sibling and mom (who is with someone else now) want to dictate everything, leave me out of it and I'll deal with it when it gets bad enough (which it is probably there now). If you want to dictate and control, then you deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, why/how did tou sign up for this? Money? Would you say if it was about money (probably not)? I know someone in this situation, they abused the parent and stole everything the parent/family had, for terrible reasons - not least of which, she felt "owed". Not saying this is you, but it happens. Not everyone who takes a parent in has good intentions - some are truly awful.

If you truly suspect someone isw doing this, then you step up to the plate and take care of your parent. Move the parent in with you.

The parent is unwilling to relocate, and insists the parent beater/berater is "petfect".

At some point it isn't a choice. We forced my MIL to move. We were clear we couldn't take care of her long distance. At that point she knew she ran out of options but it took years of convincing. We flew out within a few weeks and moved her. My MIL was far from perfect. My husband wasn't close to her at all. But you do it to set a good example for your kids as that may be you one day.

As a kid I made a completely different conclusion from the actions you describe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am amazed at the expectation that someone should print out a picture. If you want the picture then you print it and mail it and make it easy. My MIL is in a nursing home and its still a lot of work dealing with the nursing home which is terrible, buying her clothing and everything she needs (which we often pay for out of our money) and visiting at least weekly.

My Dad is declining and my parents are separated. Mom wants to control everything related to money and my sister wants an opinion. I have had it and told them to deal with it as if they want to have all the control and decision making there is no need for me to get involved. (I'm going to have to pick up all the pieces as they will not do anything but send emails saying what needs to be done). My sister's attitude is she live far away. (well, we can fix that and move away too).

Why not give your other relatives sizes and ask them to order clothes for your MIL? You can bring the clothes to her when you visit. Folks in nursing homes don't need a lot of stuff (no room for it) but they do need clean, comfy clothes and shoes.

Your own parents being married but separated with your dad's health declining and your mom controlling all the money is a bad situation. I have no suggestions for that, sorry that your mom is making this so difficult for you though.

We have asked others to buy clothing. My MIL has 4 siblings. Not one will help. I have sent out a list of needs, including sizes, styles and even suggested really cheap things and not one person has sent anything. I have asked them to call the nursing home weekly to check in. At best one calls one of us yearly to ask how she is doing.

You are wrong about not needing stuff. The clothing regularly gets destroyed by their laundry and/or gets lost or misplaced in someone else room (I regularly go through her stuff). I have to basically replace a lot every six months. Socks every 2-3. I am not spending a lot and buy on clearance and put away as she needs them. She also has another son who completely checked out. She has her own room. We have it nicely decorated and bough her furniture, bedding (which keeps getting lost), curtains and pictures to make it feel like home. We treat her as we'd want to be treated in her situation. And, it makes it more comfortable to visit.

Yes. I agreed that clean clothes/shoes are something that they need - that is why I suggested a list of specific clothing/sizes that you know the person will wear. What they don't need is a bunch of extraneous "stuff". There is no room for it in a nursing home.

MIL's siblings probably have their own spouses/in-laws/children and their own health needs that they are dealing with. I'm sorry her son checked out on her, that sucks.

It's good that you are visiting her. Those visits matter a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you choose a particular way, that is hard, but it's the way that is acceptable to you, but not to me. For example, a parent is refusing to accept hired help and you do it yourself. You talk to me about it. I don't offer physical help, only financial. You keep talking about how hard it is. I understand that you need to vent. I hope you don't expect that I will actually help physically.

What is someone supposed to do if the parent will not take hired help? It takes more than financial help, especially if you are only doing something like a few hundred a month. You have no idea how hard it is. Step up and be decent and help. Or hire someone directly to come in and manage it.

The parent knows whose buttons he/she can press. While the parent has the power over one sibling no hiring can be done (the parent will not open the door, will not accept food delivery or cleaning service, etc). What do you suggest in such case?

We forced it when we were long distance. We had food delivery just show up so my MIL would be overwhelmed and have a tuff time refusing. You can make it work. You have to push the issue. Or, do more to help that sibling so they can help the parent more. For us, I have both my MIL and Father declining and I'm it. My sister and mom dictate but I cannot be at 3 places at once caring for our kids and their activities, visit my MIL and care for my father. My attitude is if my sibling and mom (who is with someone else now) want to dictate everything, leave me out of it and I'll deal with it when it gets bad enough (which it is probably there now). If you want to dictate and control, then you deal with it.

Forcing is not happening, the parent is a stubborn one and the caretaker sibling hates conflict. It's not even "dictate and control", I don't know what is it, I am not trying to understand anymore or offer an opinion, I simply pay for everything.

[Anonymous]

My MIL recently died from a chronic illness that she had for 3 years, it was terminal and we all knew it. She was single, living along, thousands of miles away. She refused, adamantly and repeatedly, to our requests to move in with us here in DC. I don’t know how people can force people to move without having them declared incompetent and becoming power of attorney and guardian. She just wouldn’t budge. Maybe because she knew she would die and this was her control, who knows.

Anyway, her only kids are my DH and SIL. SIL lives in sunny Southern California, she doesn’t work, has no kids, is fairly young, nice husband, nice life. She refuses to help, she won’t visit, and she won’t try to convince her mom to move in with us. We hired help but MIL wouldn’t let them in th door. So my DH has to basically move in with her to care for her for the last 3 years, going back and forth between here and there. He’s missed the last 3 years of everything for the kids, every game, every recital, every teacher conference, every play, every first day, every last day, every birthday, everything.

My MIL decides recently she wants her suffering over and enters a hospice facility where they gradually sedate and drug her until she passes (it’s in another country). SIL just shows up suddenly, she’s arrived to hold her mother’s hand and take over. Because the last 3 years she couldn’t be bothered. SIL takes all the credit for MIL’s care, her funeral, her wake, everything. And bad mouthed DH for flying back for a few days to be in town for the first day of school in September.

So I get you OP, people can be disappointing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL recently died from a chronic illness that she had for 3 years, it was terminal and we all knew it. She was single, living along, thousands of miles away. She refused, adamantly and repeatedly, to our requests to move in with us here in DC. I don’t know how people can force people to move without having them declared incompetent and becoming power of attorney and guardian. She just wouldn’t budge. Maybe because she knew she would die and this was her control, who knows.

Anyway, her only kids are my DH and SIL. SIL lives in sunny Southern California, she doesn’t work, has no kids, is fairly young, nice husband, nice life. She refuses to help, she won’t visit, and she won’t try to convince her mom to move in with us. We hired help but MIL wouldn’t let them in th door. So my DH has to basically move in with her to care for her for the last 3 years, going back and forth between here and there. He’s missed the last 3 years of everything for the kids, every game, every recital, every teacher conference, every play, every first day, every last day, every birthday, everything.

My MIL decides recently she wants her suffering over and enters a hospice facility where they gradually sedate and drug her until she passes (it’s in another country). SIL just shows up suddenly, she’s arrived to hold her mother’s hand and take over. Because the last 3 years she couldn’t be bothered. SIL takes all the credit for MIL’s care, her funeral, her wake, everything. And bad mouthed DH for flying back for a few days to be in town for the first day of school in September.

So I get you OP, people can be disappointing.

Your DH and SIL have different views, no more than that. I understand when people want to end suffering, I can't support prolonging it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL recently died from a chronic illness that she had for 3 years, it was terminal and we all knew it. She was single, living along, thousands of miles away. She refused, adamantly and repeatedly, to our requests to move in with us here in DC. I don’t know how people can force people to move without having them declared incompetent and becoming power of attorney and guardian. She just wouldn’t budge. Maybe because she knew she would die and this was her control, who knows.

Anyway, her only kids are my DH and SIL. SIL lives in sunny Southern California, she doesn’t work, has no kids, is fairly young, nice husband, nice life. She refuses to help, she won’t visit, and she won’t try to convince her mom to move in with us. We hired help but MIL wouldn’t let them in th door. So my DH has to basically move in with her to care for her for the last 3 years, going back and forth between here and there. He’s missed the last 3 years of everything for the kids, every game, every recital, every teacher conference, every play, every first day, every last day, every birthday, everything.

My MIL decides recently she wants her suffering over and enters a hospice facility where they gradually sedate and drug her until she passes (it’s in another country). SIL just shows up suddenly, she’s arrived to hold her mother’s hand and take over. Because the last 3 years she couldn’t be bothered. SIL takes all the credit for MIL’s care, her funeral, her wake, everything. And bad mouthed DH for flying back for a few days to be in town for the first day of school in September.

So I get you OP, people can be disappointing.

Your DH and SIL have different views, no more than that. I understand when people want to end suffering, I can't support prolonging it.

I don’t think you understand or maybe my writing isn’t clear (I’m not the best writer). We did all the work, all of it, for years, time, hands on,money, sacrifice, all of it. She came in for the last few weeks and pretended she had been around all these years for support, when she hadn’t done anything. I was glad at least she showed up to see her mother before she died, but if you’re going to be the sibling who cannot physically be present for the caring of a dying parent, don’t pull some charade and lie about it when they die. Have the decency to be grateful to the sibling who was there through it all so that your life could go on as usual. It was so distasteful, and really REALLY hurt my DH. We didn’t try to stop my MIL from making any of her medical decisions, she had full autonomy over all her life decisions. We may have begged her to live with us, but we never stopped her from hospice (DH took her there) or forced her to do ANYTHING against her will. We took care of her to the end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am amazed at the expectation that someone should print out a picture. If you want the picture then you print it and mail it and make it easy. My MIL is in a nursing home and its still a lot of work dealing with the nursing home which is terrible, buying her clothing and everything she needs (which we often pay for out of our money) and visiting at least weekly.

My Dad is declining and my parents are separated. Mom wants to control everything related to money and my sister wants an opinion. I have had it and told them to deal with it as if they want to have all the control and decision making there is no need for me to get involved. (I'm going to have to pick up all the pieces as they will not do anything but send emails saying what needs to be done). My sister's attitude is she live far away. (well, we can fix that and move away too).

Why not give your other relatives sizes and ask them to order clothes for your MIL? You can bring the clothes to her when you visit. Folks in nursing homes don't need a lot of stuff (no room for it) but they do need clean, comfy clothes and shoes.

Your own parents being married but separated with your dad's health declining and your mom controlling all the money is a bad situation. I have no suggestions for that, sorry that your mom is making this so difficult for you though.

We have asked others to buy clothing. My MIL has 4 siblings. Not one will help. I have sent out a list of needs, including sizes, styles and even suggested really cheap things and not one person has sent anything. I have asked them to call the nursing home weekly to check in. At best one calls one of us yearly to ask how she is doing.

You are wrong about not needing stuff. The clothing regularly gets destroyed by their laundry and/or gets lost or misplaced in someone else room (I regularly go through her stuff). I have to basically replace a lot every six months. Socks every 2-3. I am not spending a lot and buy on clearance and put away as she needs them. She also has another son who completely checked out. She has her own room. We have it nicely decorated and bough her furniture, bedding (which keeps getting lost), curtains and pictures to make it feel like home. We treat her as we'd want to be treated in her situation. And, it makes it more comfortable to visit.

Yes. I agreed that clean clothes/shoes are something that they need - that is why I suggested a list of specific clothing/sizes that you know the person will wear. What they don't need is a bunch of extraneous "stuff". There is no room for it in a nursing home.

MIL's siblings probably have their own spouses/in-laws/children and their own health needs that they are dealing with. I'm sorry her son checked out on her, that sucks.

It's good that you are visiting her. Those visits matter a lot.

No, the siblings are healthy and all doing well. Traveling and enjoying life as is my BIL. I am the one with the health issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL recently died from a chronic illness that she had for 3 years, it was terminal and we all knew it. She was single, living along, thousands of miles away. She refused, adamantly and repeatedly, to our requests to move in with us here in DC. I don’t know how people can force people to move without having them declared incompetent and becoming power of attorney and guardian. She just wouldn’t budge. Maybe because she knew she would die and this was her control, who knows.

Anyway, her only kids are my DH and SIL. SIL lives in sunny Southern California, she doesn’t work, has no kids, is fairly young, nice husband, nice life. She refuses to help, she won’t visit, and she won’t try to convince her mom to move in with us. We hired help but MIL wouldn’t let them in th door. So my DH has to basically move in with her to care for her for the last 3 years, going back and forth between here and there. He’s missed the last 3 years of everything for the kids, every game, every recital, every teacher conference, every play, every first day, every last day, every birthday, everything.

My MIL decides recently she wants her suffering over and enters a hospice facility where they gradually sedate and drug her until she passes (it’s in another country). SIL just shows up suddenly, she’s arrived to hold her mother’s hand and take over. Because the last 3 years she couldn’t be bothered. SIL takes all the credit for MIL’s care, her funeral, her wake, everything. And bad mouthed DH for flying back for a few days to be in town for the first day of school in September.

So I get you OP, people can be disappointing.

Your DH and SIL have different views, no more than that. I understand when people want to end suffering, I can't support prolonging it.

I don’t think you understand or maybe my writing isn’t clear (I’m not the best writer). We did all the work, all of it, for years, time, hands on,money, sacrifice, all of it. She came in for the last few weeks and pretended she had been around all these years for support, when she hadn’t done anything. I was glad at least she showed up to see her mother before she died, but if you’re going to be the sibling who cannot physically be present for the caring of a dying parent, don’t pull some charade and lie about it when they die. Have the decency to be grateful to the sibling who was there through it all so that your life could go on as usual. It was so distasteful, and really REALLY hurt my DH. We didn’t try to stop my MIL from making any of her medical decisions, she had full autonomy over all her life decisions. We may have begged her to live with us, but we never stopped her from hospice (DH took her there) or forced her to do ANYTHING against her will. We took care of her to the end.

What do you think that your SIL got out of lying about her level of involvement in her mother's care? Seems to me that your dh's mom would have wanted both of her kids there with her. Do you believe that your SIL was trying to make herself look good or something? If so, for what purpose?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL recently died from a chronic illness that she had for 3 years, it was terminal and we all knew it. She was single, living along, thousands of miles away. She refused, adamantly and repeatedly, to our requests to move in with us here in DC. I don’t know how people can force people to move without having them declared incompetent and becoming power of attorney and guardian. She just wouldn’t budge. Maybe because she knew she would die and this was her control, who knows.

Anyway, her only kids are my DH and SIL. SIL lives in sunny Southern California, she doesn’t work, has no kids, is fairly young, nice husband, nice life. She refuses to help, she won’t visit, and she won’t try to convince her mom to move in with us. We hired help but MIL wouldn’t let them in th door. So my DH has to basically move in with her to care for her for the last 3 years, going back and forth between here and there. He’s missed the last 3 years of everything for the kids, every game, every recital, every teacher conference, every play, every first day, every last day, every birthday, everything.

My MIL decides recently she wants her suffering over and enters a hospice facility where they gradually sedate and drug her until she passes (it’s in another country). SIL just shows up suddenly, she’s arrived to hold her mother’s hand and take over. Because the last 3 years she couldn’t be bothered. SIL takes all the credit for MIL’s care, her funeral, her wake, everything. And bad mouthed DH for flying back for a few days to be in town for the first day of school in September.

So I get you OP, people can be disappointing.

We have no intention of even telling any of my MIL's family or my BIL that she is terminal or when she passes. If they don't care enough to help when she is alive they don't deserve any. I wish we had that end of life option. My MIL is suffering and young so she could live many more years. The nursing home is horrible and part of her decline and issues are due to their neglect (we have tried to move her but no one will take the medicaid).

We forced it by telling her she was coming and at that point she knew we were not giving her an option. My husband flew out and took her with the help of a friend who lived locally. I then took care of her for 9 months till I couldn't do it anymore and put her in a nursing home. She didn't want to go but I couldn't do it anymore as much as I wanted to. We later got guardianship and wish I had done it sooner as by the time she got to us legally she was not capable of full consent to POA and even if she was the nursing home wasn't accepting any POA so our only option was guardianship. It was a very simple process to get guardianship.

[Anonymous]

Thank you OP, for taking on the lead caregiving role and reminding people how hard it is. This can be so fraught with resentment and poor behavior on all sides.

My aunt took care of my Grandmother in the last years of her life. By taking care I mean she invited her over for long weekends a few times a year and visited her in her apartment, and supervised the daily help my Grandmother was getting.

Apparently my aunt thought these services deserved special rewards and she appropriated jewelry my Grandmother had willed to me and her other granddaughters, as well as other valuables.
I still love her, but I don't trust her.