Requests from a Sibing who is there for Elderly Parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you choose a particular way, that is hard, but it's the way that is acceptable to you, but not to me. For example, a parent is refusing to accept hired help and you do it yourself. You talk to me about it. I don't offer physical help, only financial. You keep talking about how hard it is. I understand that you need to vent. I hope you don't expect that I will actually help physically.

Just WOW! Can you see that the PARENT needs help here not the sibling? I don't get the impression that the sibling is looking for someone to bathe mom, but she would LOVE you to visit regularly (not once a year), cook a meal, attend a doctor's appointment, run some errands, sit down and spend time with YOUR parent.

As a local sibling, I'm the one who handles Dr. appointments, grocery shopping, banking, making sure parent is well taken care of in assisted living, etc. Sibling visits every 6 months or so and it's infuriating that they can't be bothered to visit more often. Sibling is only a couple hours away by car. No children.

There's still a LOT that family members need to do for a person in assisted living. Yes, the facility would provide transportation to doctor appointments, but would the patient remember doctor instructions, medications taken, etc.? Sadly, some children put their parents into care facilities and forget their responsibilities to their parents.

Doesn't assisted living provide help with daily meds? If your mom had to attend a doctor appt by herself could you not get info about her appt and any care decisions made? A lot of this stuff is done electronically now so you would pull up her patient account and check to see how things went. The need for you to be physically present for every single appt may not be necessary. In fact, maybe you could delegate that responsibility to a sibling.

Usually assisted living places provide a lot of.....assistance...

Actually, they don't. If they need "a lot of....assistance" they kick them out and send them to a nursing home.

I mean - meals, laundry, cleaning, transportation service, activities. Usually they can get some help with medication management. Heavy duty care like lifting, bathing, dressing, spoon feeding, preventing them from wandering away confused etc is more suited to nursing home care.

Much depends on what level of care they require. A person that is doing o.k. with there own self care but may need some help with driving, housekeeping, laundry does not need to be in a nursing home.

[Anonymous]

I feel you, OP. My sibling (who lives in another country) said he didn't want our parents going to a nursing home. Thought I should move in with them to coordinate their care instead. When I offered to do so for 5 years if sibling would promise to take over that role after 5 years, sibling declined. But still didn't think parents should go to a nursing home. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel you, OP. My sibling (who lives in another country) said he didn't want our parents going to a nursing home. Thought I should move in with them to coordinate their care instead. When I offered to do so for 5 years if sibling would promise to take over that role after 5 years, sibling declined. But still didn't think parents should go to a nursing home. Ugh.

So, you are offering to help while they are healthier and as soon as they significantly decline, you want to dump them on your sibling... nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you choose a particular way, that is hard, but it's the way that is acceptable to you, but not to me. For example, a parent is refusing to accept hired help and you do it yourself. You talk to me about it. I don't offer physical help, only financial. You keep talking about how hard it is. I understand that you need to vent. I hope you don't expect that I will actually help physically.

Just WOW! Can you see that the PARENT needs help here not the sibling? I don't get the impression that the sibling is looking for someone to bathe mom, but she would LOVE you to visit regularly (not once a year), cook a meal, attend a doctor's appointment, run some errands, sit down and spend time with YOUR parent.

As a local sibling, I'm the one who handles Dr. appointments, grocery shopping, banking, making sure parent is well taken care of in assisted living, etc. Sibling visits every 6 months or so and it's infuriating that they can't be bothered to visit more often. Sibling is only a couple hours away by car. No children.

Your parent is in assisted living. Does their community offer transport to doctors appts and prepared meals? If you went away for a week or two wouldn't your parent still be cared for?

As far as banking goes, do you use automated bill pay and direct deposit for fixed expenses and income.

This response burns me up. PP is most likely the type that the OP is referring to. These types think there is an answer for everything so the one in the trenches doing the heavy lifting is obviously making it hard on themselves, naturally? Has it ever occurred to types like the PP that even if the community offers transport to doctors appointments someone has to arrange for such a thing. Plus, who will sit in with the elderly parent during the drs. appt. because a community transport worker will not so elderly mom or dad will have to process all the medical information coming their way on their own. At a minimum that is not ideal, but can actually prove dangerous. For the siblings that live far away and are unable to help the local sib just show your appreciation. It really is that simple. Offering "helpful" answers from afar is offensive.

Those transportation services only work if the individual is reasonably healthy. My MIL has dementia and I called a bunch and they said no. So, we have to drive 40 minutes to get MIL, it takes about 30 minutes to get her out the door, then drive to the doctor, appointment, drive her back, then drive home. Its a good 1/2 day activity if not all day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you choose a particular way, that is hard, but it's the way that is acceptable to you, but not to me. For example, a parent is refusing to accept hired help and you do it yourself. You talk to me about it. I don't offer physical help, only financial. You keep talking about how hard it is. I understand that you need to vent. I hope you don't expect that I will actually help physically.

Just WOW! Can you see that the PARENT needs help here not the sibling? I don't get the impression that the sibling is looking for someone to bathe mom, but she would LOVE you to visit regularly (not once a year), cook a meal, attend a doctor's appointment, run some errands, sit down and spend time with YOUR parent.

As a local sibling, I'm the one who handles Dr. appointments, grocery shopping, banking, making sure parent is well taken care of in assisted living, etc. Sibling visits every 6 months or so and it's infuriating that they can't be bothered to visit more often. Sibling is only a couple hours away by car. No children.

Your parent is in assisted living. Does their community offer transport to doctors appts and prepared meals? If you went away for a week or two wouldn't your parent still be cared for?

As far as banking goes, do you use automated bill pay and direct deposit for fixed expenses and income.

This response burns me up. PP is most likely the type that the OP is referring to. These types think there is an answer for everything so the one in the trenches doing the heavy lifting is obviously making it hard on themselves, naturally? Has it ever occurred to types like the PP that even if the community offers transport to doctors appointments someone has to arrange for such a thing. Plus, who will sit in with the elderly parent during the drs. appt. because a community transport worker will not so elderly mom or dad will have to process all the medical information coming their way on their own. At a minimum that is not ideal, but can actually prove dangerous. For the siblings that live far away and are unable to help the local sib just show your appreciation. It really is that simple. Offering "helpful" answers from afar is offensive.

Those transportation services only work if the individual is reasonably healthy. My MIL has dementia and I called a bunch and they said no. So, we have to drive 40 minutes to get MIL, it takes about 30 minutes to get her out the door, then drive to the doctor, appointment, drive her back, then drive home. Its a good 1/2 day activity if not all day.

What happens if your mom needs to go to the doctor, you have a stomach bug or an emergency of some kind and you can't take half a day off to take her to an appt?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you choose a particular way, that is hard, but it's the way that is acceptable to you, but not to me. For example, a parent is refusing to accept hired help and you do it yourself. You talk to me about it. I don't offer physical help, only financial. You keep talking about how hard it is. I understand that you need to vent. I hope you don't expect that I will actually help physically.

Just WOW! Can you see that the PARENT needs help here not the sibling? I don't get the impression that the sibling is looking for someone to bathe mom, but she would LOVE you to visit regularly (not once a year), cook a meal, attend a doctor's appointment, run some errands, sit down and spend time with YOUR parent.

As a local sibling, I'm the one who handles Dr. appointments, grocery shopping, banking, making sure parent is well taken care of in assisted living, etc. Sibling visits every 6 months or so and it's infuriating that they can't be bothered to visit more often. Sibling is only a couple hours away by car. No children.

Your parent is in assisted living. Does their community offer transport to doctors appts and prepared meals? If you went away for a week or two wouldn't your parent still be cared for?

As far as banking goes, do you use automated bill pay and direct deposit for fixed expenses and income.

This response burns me up. PP is most likely the type that the OP is referring to. These types think there is an answer for everything so the one in the trenches doing the heavy lifting is obviously making it hard on themselves, naturally? Has it ever occurred to types like the PP that even if the community offers transport to doctors appointments someone has to arrange for such a thing. Plus, who will sit in with the elderly parent during the drs. appt. because a community transport worker will not so elderly mom or dad will have to process all the medical information coming their way on their own. At a minimum that is not ideal, but can actually prove dangerous. For the siblings that live far away and are unable to help the local sib just show your appreciation. It really is that simple. Offering "helpful" answers from afar is offensive.

I'm sorry to make you mad. That certainly isn't my intent at all. Not everyone has navigated what you have been through so some insight would be nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you choose a particular way, that is hard, but it's the way that is acceptable to you, but not to me. For example, a parent is refusing to accept hired help and you do it yourself. You talk to me about it. I don't offer physical help, only financial. You keep talking about how hard it is. I understand that you need to vent. I hope you don't expect that I will actually help physically.

Just WOW! Can you see that the PARENT needs help here not the sibling? I don't get the impression that the sibling is looking for someone to bathe mom, but she would LOVE you to visit regularly (not once a year), cook a meal, attend a doctor's appointment, run some errands, sit down and spend time with YOUR parent.

As a local sibling, I'm the one who handles Dr. appointments, grocery shopping, banking, making sure parent is well taken care of in assisted living, etc. Sibling visits every 6 months or so and it's infuriating that they can't be bothered to visit more often. Sibling is only a couple hours away by car. No children.

Your parent is in assisted living. Does their community offer transport to doctors appts and prepared meals? If you went away for a week or two wouldn't your parent still be cared for?

As far as banking goes, do you use automated bill pay and direct deposit for fixed expenses and income.

This response burns me up. PP is most likely the type that the OP is referring to. These types think there is an answer for everything so the one in the trenches doing the heavy lifting is obviously making it hard on themselves, naturally? Has it ever occurred to types like the PP that even if the community offers transport to doctors appointments someone has to arrange for such a thing. Plus, who will sit in with the elderly parent during the drs. appt. because a community transport worker will not so elderly mom or dad will have to process all the medical information coming their way on their own. At a minimum that is not ideal, but can actually prove dangerous. For the siblings that live far away and are unable to help the local sib just show your appreciation. It really is that simple. Offering "helpful" answers from afar is offensive.

Those transportation services only work if the individual is reasonably healthy. My MIL has dementia and I called a bunch and they said no. So, we have to drive 40 minutes to get MIL, it takes about 30 minutes to get her out the door, then drive to the doctor, appointment, drive her back, then drive home. Its a good 1/2 day activity if not all day.

My dad had early onset dementia. He was reasonably strong and could be combative. Beyond a certain point, there was no way that a family member or a hired aid or anyone else could have gotten him to/from a doctors appt. Ever waited in a waiting room with a combative and disoriented dementia patient? That's not something you do more than once, I'll tell you that.

There is a reason that lots of nursing homes have physicians that visit them to prescribe for the patients. Transport is no longer a viable option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel you, OP. My sibling (who lives in another country) said he didn't want our parents going to a nursing home. Thought I should move in with them to coordinate their care instead. When I offered to do so for 5 years if sibling would promise to take over that role after 5 years, sibling declined. But still didn't think parents should go to a nursing home. Ugh.

So, you are offering to help while they are healthier and as soon as they significantly decline, you want to dump them on your sibling... nice.

I realize you are a troll, but seriously?

[Anonymous]

Op my only feedback for people who are at home caring for their elderly parents is to ask for help clearly when you need it and to say specifically what needs your family member or you have.

[Anonymous]

My sympathies to the OP. Caring for an elderly parent is much more than driving to the doctor's, paying bills, and getting the chores done. As my mom ages her anxiety is getting worse, which is then exacerbated by some major health issue. What may seem like small issues become big to her and I'm constantly called to put out fire. It's mentally taxing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sympathies to the OP. Caring for an elderly parent is much more than driving to the doctor's, paying bills, and getting the chores done. As my mom ages her anxiety is getting worse, which is then exacerbated by some major health issue. What may seem like small issues become big to her and I'm constantly called to put out fire. It's mentally taxing.

You are one person and you have your own life to lead. If something that your mom is complaining about is truly not a big deal it is o.k. to not use your energy to put out that particular fire for her. Save your energy for the stuff that is significant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sympathies to the OP. Caring for an elderly parent is much more than driving to the doctor's, paying bills, and getting the chores done. As my mom ages her anxiety is getting worse, which is then exacerbated by some major health issue. What may seem like small issues become big to her and I'm constantly called to put out fire. It's mentally taxing.

You are one person and you have your own life to lead. If something that your mom is complaining about is truly not a big deal it is o.k. to not use your energy to put out that particular fire for her. Save your energy for the stuff that is significant.

But then she would just keep calling, with ever increasing panic. I may not take care of the issue every time, but still need to manage her and it still wears me out enormously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am never doing this to my kids.

Lingering well past the age of a normal, decent lifespan, illness after illness, treating and testing and poking and prodding and for what? So my kids, who I would die for, can burn themselves out and be miserable? So I can lose all my faculties and then my dignity?

No fucking thanks.

I'm with you. Once I am diagnosed with something life threatening and am past a certain age or once I can tell I am losing it, I want to chose my death date. Up until then I shall party, eat anything I want, see the friends and family I want to see, tell everyone how much I love them and then I want to pass away in a deep slumber. I want my funeral to be festive and fun-a celebration of life.

This is great in theory, but I work with people with different kinds of dementia (including alzheimer's)- by the time you have a diagnosis- even an early one, which we have tons of people with, you kind of are no longer of "sound mind" to make those decisions. Its the cruelest of dilemmas

Sorry OP, and if you get to a point where you need day time help- seek out respite centers, I've worked in some and all have been truly a great place for the people there (although these were all private ones/ NPOs)

[Anonymous]

All of this is so scary. I think the vast majority of us aren't prepared or can help care for an elderly family member. What are you supposed to do when you have a full time job?

I just had a baby and I read diatribe after diatribe from people who state that if you need help at all that you shouldn't have had children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am never doing this to my kids.

Lingering well past the age of a normal, decent lifespan, illness after illness, treating and testing and poking and prodding and for what? So my kids, who I would die for, can burn themselves out and be miserable? So I can lose all my faculties and then my dignity?

No fucking thanks.

I'm with you. Once I am diagnosed with something life threatening and am past a certain age or once I can tell I am losing it, I want to chose my death date. Up until then I shall party, eat anything I want, see the friends and family I want to see, tell everyone how much I love them and then I want to pass away in a deep slumber. I want my funeral to be festive and fun-a celebration of life.

This is great in theory, but I work with people with different kinds of dementia (including alzheimer's)- by the time you have a diagnosis- even an early one, which we have tons of people with, you kind of are no longer of "sound mind" to make those decisions. Its the cruelest of dilemmas

Sorry OP, and if you get to a point where you need day time help- seek out respite centers, I've worked in some and all have been truly a great place for the people there (although these were all private ones/ NPOs)

I've seen dementia patients kicked out of adult day care. What is the caregiver supposed to do then? I've also seen 80+ year old people taking care of their spouses with dementia because if they didn't do it, all of their savings would be spent on nursing home expenses for their spouse leaving them penniless in the process. They do the best that they can, their families struggle to help them from a distance but their grown kids have responsibilities in their own homes, too.