Requests from a Sibing who is there for Elderly Parents

[Anonymous]

PP here, so how do all these posters who claim they forced elderly parents to move actually FORCE them to move? Did you have them deemed incompetent in a court of law and become their guardian? Because we tried everything, and I mean everything (begging, asking nicely, having the grandchildren ask, threatening, begging again) to get my single MIL who was dying of a chronic illness to move in with us. She would NOT budge. She didn’t care if we refused to ever see her again. She didn’t care if we cried, or promised to make her life comfortable and happy in our home, she didn’t care if we promised to pay for everything, she was never, ever going to leave her apartment. Never. Her doctors didn’t think she was mentally incompetent, so we couldn’t do anything. We threatened to stop visiting, and went 4 months of not talking to her, which drove my DH insane. She refused to health care workers in her apartment. We reported her to adult services. No help. None. And if we had support from her dr and adult protective services and did actually have her found mentally incompetent and us be made her guardians, you would have needed the police to put her in a straight jacket and literally physically force her out.

Some people are stubborn as nails. It was heart breaking. You cannot force anyone to do anything. You can persuade, you can threaten, you can bribe, but how did these posters actually FORCE? In the end, my MIL committed suicide. No happy ending for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here, so how do all these posters who claim they forced elderly parents to move actually FORCE them to move? Did you have them deemed incompetent in a court of law and become their guardian? Because we tried everything, and I mean everything (begging, asking nicely, having the grandchildren ask, threatening, begging again) to get my single MIL who was dying of a chronic illness to move in with us. She would NOT budge. She didn’t care if we refused to ever see her again. She didn’t care if we cried, or promised to make her life comfortable and happy in our home, she didn’t care if we promised to pay for everything, she was never, ever going to leave her apartment. Never. Her doctors didn’t think she was mentally incompetent, so we couldn’t do anything. We threatened to stop visiting, and went 4 months of not talking to her, which drove my DH insane. She refused to health care workers in her apartment. We reported her to adult services. No help. None. And if we had support from her dr and adult protective services and did actually have her found mentally incompetent and us be made her guardians, you would have needed the police to put her in a straight jacket and literally physically force her out.

Some people are stubborn as nails. It was heart breaking. You cannot force anyone to do anything. You can persuade, you can threaten, you can bribe, but how did these posters actually FORCE? In the end, my MIL committed suicide. No happy ending for us.

I am absolutely with your MIL. This is the preferred way if I get that sick. Both not moving and suicide. I hate being taken care of because I lost my independence (I had couple of days of that and I was ready to call it quits)

[Anonymous]

I am totally there with the caregiver posters, I did not ask for this job, and it blows me away that my sibs have anointed me the one to care for my parents. The condescending tone they use when asking questions is insulting. My sibs are beyond wealthy with grown or no kids, don't work, and have the nerve to assume since I am close I should do the heavy lifting. That is one reason I continue to work its the only line in the sand I have without creating conflict. Not to mention since I am there for my parents they can't even remember when I come or go.
Honoring your parents is thankless as hell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you choose a particular way, that is hard, but it's the way that is acceptable to you, but not to me. For example, a parent is refusing to accept hired help and you do it yourself. You talk to me about it. I don't offer physical help, only financial. You keep talking about how hard it is. I understand that you need to vent. I hope you don't expect that I will actually help physically.

+1

When you make decisions in a vacuum, without consulting your siblings, then you are a martyr. Period. And no one is required to worship you for that.[/quote]


x10000

Thank you. Well stated. And very, very true. I know someone who "did things their way" to siphon their remaining parent's money. When the money was almost gone - GUESS WHO ended up in the first old age home available? Yup. Thankfully, everyone knows what happened, and it is as gross as it sounds. Awful human being, all around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here, so how do all these posters who claim they forced elderly parents to move actually FORCE them to move? Did you have them deemed incompetent in a court of law and become their guardian? Because we tried everything, and I mean everything (begging, asking nicely, having the grandchildren ask, threatening, begging again) to get my single MIL who was dying of a chronic illness to move in with us. She would NOT budge. She didn’t care if we refused to ever see her again. She didn’t care if we cried, or promised to make her life comfortable and happy in our home, she didn’t care if we promised to pay for everything, she was never, ever going to leave her apartment. Never. Her doctors didn’t think she was mentally incompetent, so we couldn’t do anything. We threatened to stop visiting, and went 4 months of not talking to her, which drove my DH insane. She refused to health care workers in her apartment. We reported her to adult services. No help. None. And if we had support from her dr and adult protective services and did actually have her found mentally incompetent and us be made her guardians, you would have needed the police to put her in a straight jacket and literally physically force her out.

Some people are stubborn as nails. It was heart breaking. You cannot force anyone to do anything. You can persuade, you can threaten, you can bribe, but how did these posters actually FORCE? In the end, my MIL committed suicide. No happy ending for us.

I am absolutely with your MIL. This is the preferred way if I get that sick. Both not moving and suicide. I hate being taken care of because I lost my independence (I had couple of days of that and I was ready to call it quits)

Well good for you but it was a nightmare for my family that lasted 4 years and caused my daughter so much anxiety that she is in therapy. My DH missed pretty much every milestone of the last 4 years for our children that he will never, ever get back. Just so my MIL could stand her ground. Selfish to the end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I don't speak for everyone. This is actually just a personal vent since I have tried to communicate this very message in my own family and it fell of deaf ears.

1.) If you aren't there helping, then don't give unsolicited advice. If you feel the burning desire to give advice, ask if you can give it choose your words carefully and watch your tone. Do not talk down to the caregiving sibling. Show respect and appreciation.

2.) Do not assume you know the situation better than the person who is actually there.

3.) Do not expect a standing ovation when you come into town now and then to say "hello" to the elderly parents. Offer to actually do something for them that gives others a break.

4.) Saying things like "wow, you seem stressed out!" or "You look sooooooo tired" isn't helpful. Are you really that surprised to find someone stressed and fatigued in this role? Instead be gracious, show appreciation and make concrete offers to be helpful if you can. If you cannot offer help, then simply be pleasant.

5.) Do not stir up drama. Do not make this about you.


If you have anything to add feel free to. I fully expect people to call me some kind of martyr feeling sorry for myself. Just want to clarify. I am trying to manage a challenging situation when I have a family of my own, work, etc. If the stress does me in I am of no help to anyone. These are things that would make life easier for me personally. Since my own siblings won't listen, I figured I'd launch this into cyberspace both for the comfort of venting and in the hopes that maybe it helps someone else.
6.) Don't make assumptions. Sometimes out of guilt for not being there people actually create problems. I don't resent the fact I am the primary helper. I do resent when family members cause problems and treat me like the hired help. Respect boundaries. I am not on your payroll and you cannot just give me orders.

OP, here are some important considerations, that you may or may not be willing to admit:

Do you have children of your own to take care of, OP?

Maybe the care of your parent fell to you, because you were the only one without children of their own to take care of?

I find that couples without children do not realize how much time and work goes into raising children.



On another note, are you the "favored" child? Did your parents give you more than other siblings - pay for your college, your house, your wedding? All of those? Plus major expenses?

I would bet if that is the case (and you are willing to admit so) - your other siblings are well aware of who got what.

Maybe the care of the parent fell to you, because you were known to be the one who was handed everything, or at least a lot more than the siblings - who might still be paying off the major expenses that you did not have to.



Something to consider. I know that it is easy to believe that "other people have it so easy" - but you have no idea, really.

This is an interesting point and not OP, but I care for my MIL and will soon my Dad. My parents gave my sister far more for college and graduate school and over the years have gifted her money, at their choice not by her asking or needing it. They refuse to do anything for us or our kids as they are angry I'm not working (among other things) and caring for my MIL. My sister does nothing to help but give bad advice. I don't care about the money, but they treat me terrible and still expect everything from me.

+1

Hell. To. The. No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of this is so scary. I think the vast majority of us aren't prepared or can help care for an elderly family member. What are you supposed to do when you have a full time job?

I just had a baby and I read diatribe after diatribe from people who state that if you need help at all that you shouldn't have had children.

How much would you have to make to be able to afford to pay for childcare, save for your own retirement, save for your children's college, pay your mortgage, student loans and other bills.....while taking on the full time care of an elderly parent?

Answer: That simply is not doable for the vast majority of people.

You don't. I cannot work due to caring for one and about to take on another. Fortunately my husband makes enough where we are ok.

You are going to have two elderly people living in your house who will need you to take care of them? I don't know how you do it pp. That has got to be exhausting.

My MIL lived with us for 9 months and then we had to put her in a nursing home as she needed 24/7 care and wouldn't leave the house so it was causing issues with the kids. My Dad needs a lot of help, refuses to pay anyone but right now its lots of drama as my sibling and mom, who is divorced from him, want to dictate everything. It will all fall on me very soon.

It is almost impossible to be caretaker of the elderly -in your house 24/7 - while you have children at home. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of this is so scary. I think the vast majority of us aren't prepared or can help care for an elderly family member. What are you supposed to do when you have a full time job?

I just had a baby and I read diatribe after diatribe from people who state that if you need help at all that you shouldn't have had children.

How much would you have to make to be able to afford to pay for childcare, save for your own retirement, save for your children's college, pay your mortgage, student loans and other bills.....while taking on the full time care of an elderly parent?

Answer: That simply is not doable for the vast majority of people.

You don't. I cannot work due to caring for one and about to take on another. Fortunately my husband makes enough where we are ok.

You are going to have two elderly people living in your house who will need you to take care of them? I don't know how you do it pp. That has got to be exhausting.

My MIL lived with us for 9 months and then we had to put her in a nursing home as she needed 24/7 care and wouldn't leave the house so it was causing issues with the kids. My Dad needs a lot of help, refuses to pay anyone but right now its lots of drama as my sibling and mom, who is divorced from him, want to dictate everything. It will all fall on me very soon.

It is almost impossible to be caretaker of the elderly -in your house 24/7 - while you have children at home. Period.

I tried for about 6 months, but couldn’t do it. It wasn’t fair to my spouse or children, and it wasn’t good for my own mental health. My parent needed more than I could provide. We found a retirement home nearby and it’s working out well - or as well as it can be.

[Anonymous]

OP checking back in. Thanks for the supportive responses. To clarify-yes, I have kids of my own and a husband. No, I didn't get more help or money than my siblings. Ironically the sibling who is the most irritating is the one who was practically estranged from my parents for a while. She could not get along with either parent and when she swoops in wanting a standing ovation for visiting she usually stresses them out as much as she stresses me out. I am trying to just step back and disengage. She has trouble getting along with people at work too and in her personal life outside of us so it's just her being her, but life was easier when she focused on other things like her hatred of her ex and her problems with her child. I think she is pretty lonely too and she tries to create situations where we have to deal with her. She'll call me hysterical about one of the doctors we found who is practically walking distance and make life easier for the parent who is still high functioning. I have met this doctor and think he's great and have been to appointments, but she will obsess because she found 1 bad review out of 20. She never met him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here, so how do all these posters who claim they forced elderly parents to move actually FORCE them to move? Did you have them deemed incompetent in a court of law and become their guardian? Because we tried everything, and I mean everything (begging, asking nicely, having the grandchildren ask, threatening, begging again) to get my single MIL who was dying of a chronic illness to move in with us. She would NOT budge. She didn’t care if we refused to ever see her again. She didn’t care if we cried, or promised to make her life comfortable and happy in our home, she didn’t care if we promised to pay for everything, she was never, ever going to leave her apartment. Never. Her doctors didn’t think she was mentally incompetent, so we couldn’t do anything. We threatened to stop visiting, and went 4 months of not talking to her, which drove my DH insane. She refused to health care workers in her apartment. We reported her to adult services. No help. None. And if we had support from her dr and adult protective services and did actually have her found mentally incompetent and us be made her guardians, you would have needed the police to put her in a straight jacket and literally physically force her out.

Some people are stubborn as nails. It was heart breaking. You cannot force anyone to do anything. You can persuade, you can threaten, you can bribe, but how did these posters actually FORCE? In the end, my MIL committed suicide. No happy ending for us.

I am absolutely with your MIL. This is the preferred way if I get that sick. Both not moving and suicide. I hate being taken care of because I lost my independence (I had couple of days of that and I was ready to call it quits)

Well good for you but it was a nightmare for my family that lasted 4 years and caused my daughter so much anxiety that she is in therapy. My DH missed pretty much every milestone of the last 4 years for our children that he will never, ever get back. Just so my MIL could stand her ground. Selfish to the end.

Dude that is brutal, and I am in favor of medically assisted end of life........but that shit is different, it just is. I am so sorry for your DH and family and hope you get peace.