Requests from a Sibing who is there for Elderly Parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op my only feedback for people who are at home caring for their elderly parents is to ask for help clearly when you need it and to say specifically what needs your family member or you have.

That's nice and all but we have tried that and not one of 4 siblings nor my BIL have stepped up to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am never doing this to my kids.

Lingering well past the age of a normal, decent lifespan, illness after illness, treating and testing and poking and prodding and for what? So my kids, who I would die for, can burn themselves out and be miserable? So I can lose all my faculties and then my dignity?

No fucking thanks.

I'm with you. Once I am diagnosed with something life threatening and am past a certain age or once I can tell I am losing it, I want to chose my death date. Up until then I shall party, eat anything I want, see the friends and family I want to see, tell everyone how much I love them and then I want to pass away in a deep slumber. I want my funeral to be festive and fun-a celebration of life.

This is great in theory, but I work with people with different kinds of dementia (including alzheimer's)- by the time you have a diagnosis- even an early one, which we have tons of people with, you kind of are no longer of "sound mind" to make those decisions. Its the cruelest of dilemmas

Sorry OP, and if you get to a point where you need day time help- seek out respite centers, I've worked in some and all have been truly a great place for the people there (although these were all private ones/ NPOs)

I've seen dementia patients kicked out of adult day care. What is the caregiver supposed to do then? I've also seen 80+ year old people taking care of their spouses with dementia because if they didn't do it, all of their savings would be spent on nursing home expenses for their spouse leaving them penniless in the process. They do the best that they can, their families struggle to help them from a distance but their grown kids have responsibilities in their own homes, too.

We put my MIL at an adult day care. It was horrible. All they did was sit in a room all day. And, it was a hassle transporting back and forth to the point it wasn't worth it. They are also costly. Many take care of their spouses and relatives, not just because of money but even "good" nursing homes are terrible.

[Anonymous]

OP, let me just say how sorry I am you are the only one who's there for your folks. This sucks and is unfair.

[Anonymous]

Someone who uses the term "nursing" home to mean any facility doesn't know enough

[Anonymous]

It goes the other way, too. My sister is the caregiver - by choice - and her moving to be closer to our ailing dad enabled him to stay in the small town where he lives, w/o decent healthcare options, instead of moving to the larger city where we all lived before she went there so that we could all share the burden. My other sister and I were more than willing to do that. Now she expects me to drop my life - job, kids, etc - to rush down there at great expense all the time. Sorry, but no. Our dad always was and continues to be a shitty parent and I'm not bankrupting myself or rearranging my life b/c he refuses to make rational decisions. She chose to go that route. No one asked her. But then again, she can't sit down and have a rational conversation to discuss the situation. Like OP, she doesn't want that. Just asking a fucking question is viewed as a sign of judgment. You can't win.

During his most recent major health crisis, I asked her point blank what she needed. She said "prayers." Then she had the gall to bitch to my mother that "I don't have PTO and I can't pay my bills and blah blah blah and - WHERE WAS SHE?!?!" Hell naw. If you needed someone to come there and relieve you so that you could work you should have said something. I would have been down there in a minute in that case. But hey, it's easier to be an enabler and a martyr than it is to use your big girl words and ask clearly for what you need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What if you choose a particular way, that is hard, but it's the way that is acceptable to you, but not to me. For example, a parent is refusing to accept hired help and you do it yourself. You talk to me about it. I don't offer physical help, only financial. You keep talking about how hard it is. I understand that you need to vent. I hope you don't expect that I will actually help physically.

+1

When you make decisions in a vacuum, without consulting your siblings, then you are a martyr. Period. And no one is required to worship you for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you choose a particular way, that is hard, but it's the way that is acceptable to you, but not to me. For example, a parent is refusing to accept hired help and you do it yourself. You talk to me about it. I don't offer physical help, only financial. You keep talking about how hard it is. I understand that you need to vent. I hope you don't expect that I will actually help physically.

Just WOW! Can you see that the PARENT needs help here not the sibling? I don't get the impression that the sibling is looking for someone to bathe mom, but she would LOVE you to visit regularly (not once a year), cook a meal, attend a doctor's appointment, run some errands, sit down and spend time with YOUR parent.

As a local sibling, I'm the one who handles Dr. appointments, grocery shopping, banking, making sure parent is well taken care of in assisted living, etc. Sibling visits every 6 months or so and it's infuriating that they can't be bothered to visit more often. Sibling is only a couple hours away by car. No children.

So what if you have two children and a demanding job and your parent and sibling live in small town bumpkinville where it costs a fortune to get there? And what if that sibling chose to move there of their own accord without consulting anyone? Is that different, or are you still resentful?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, why/how did tou sign up for this? Money? Would you say if it was about money (probably not)? I know someone in this situation, they abused the parent and stole everything the parent/family had, for terrible reasons - not least of which, she felt "owed". Not saying this is you, but it happens. Not everyone who takes a parent in has good intentions - some are truly awful.

If you truly suspect someone isw doing this, then you step up to the plate and take care of your parent. Move the parent in with you.

The parent is unwilling to relocate, and insists the parent beater/berater is "petfect".

At some point it isn't a choice. We forced my MIL to move. We were clear we couldn't take care of her long distance. At that point she knew she ran out of options but it took years of convincing. We flew out within a few weeks and moved her. My MIL was far from perfect. My husband wasn't close to her at all. But you do it to set a good example for your kids as that may be you one day.

+1 to this. In what world are adult working children with kids of their own supposed to re-organize their entire lives around ailing parents, vs. the other way around? I'm sorry, but I can't abdicate the care of my own created nuclear family for you. And I'm not relocating my kids and putting them through that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, why/how did tou sign up for this? Money? Would you say if it was about money (probably not)? I know someone in this situation, they abused the parent and stole everything the parent/family had, for terrible reasons - not least of which, she felt "owed". Not saying this is you, but it happens. Not everyone who takes a parent in has good intentions - some are truly awful.

If you truly suspect someone isw doing this, then you step up to the plate and take care of your parent. Move the parent in with you.

The parent is unwilling to relocate, and insists the parent beater/berater is "petfect".

At some point it isn't a choice. We forced my MIL to move. We were clear we couldn't take care of her long distance. At that point she knew she ran out of options but it took years of convincing. We flew out within a few weeks and moved her. My MIL was far from perfect. My husband wasn't close to her at all. But you do it to set a good example for your kids as that may be you one day.

As a kid I made a completely different conclusion from the actions you describe.

So you are in Camp Martyr then? Is that it? PP should have relocated her family and re-arranged her life around an ailing parent? How the eff does this make sense?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read all of the posts, but I agree with you, OP. My only point is this -- sometimes people who aren't there every day genuinely don't know what to do to be helpful. If you do it all the time, you know. If you don't, you feel awkward and don't want to step on toes or upset routines that work for others. The more that the caregiving sibling can offer concrete suggestions or requests for how to help, the better. Some things are really obvious, but others might not be.

Absolutely. One very important suggestion is don't give advice and be appreciative. I think some on here are angry they don't get physical help, some are fine with it, but I think everyone would agree that if you aren't involved at all be gracious and appreciative and don't offer advice without understanding the situation fully.

Are you allowed to even ask questions? In my situation my sister gets pissed off if you ask questions to try and understand the situation, and pissed off if you don't. You can't win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am never doing this to my kids.

Lingering well past the age of a normal, decent lifespan, illness after illness, treating and testing and poking and prodding and for what? So my kids, who I would die for, can burn themselves out and be miserable? So I can lose all my faculties and then my dignity?

No fucking thanks.

+1

I would find a way to do assisted suicide or enter hospice and let go. I have no desire to linger past my expiration date with the over-intervention of modern medicine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am never doing this to my kids.

Lingering well past the age of a normal, decent lifespan, illness after illness, treating and testing and poking and prodding and for what? So my kids, who I would die for, can burn themselves out and be miserable? So I can lose all my faculties and then my dignity?

No fucking thanks.

Unfortunately you don't always get that choice.

When you don't get that choice and somehow on life support despite your wishes, then it's on those who decided to go against your wishes.

Right. This is why it's so important to have all you wishes in place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, I don't think the PP who said she was burned up should be. You just don't know until you are here. I am the away sibling and my siblings have treated me like garbage because they are angry that I live away and escape a lot of this. I am thankful, recognize their efforts, I do offer suggestions trying to be helpful (but guess I shouldn't) but they suck too. I can't change where I live and they resent me because of this.

If you haven't already, could you reach out and ask them what you CAN do that would be helpful to them? You could also make concrete suggestions based on you parent's particular needs. Some ideas are to (1) start taking care of the paperwork/online billing that can be done from afar, like mortgage, insurance, credit card bills, alarm system payments, phone bills, etc. (2) set up (and keep up to date based on how it goes) a grocery or meal delivery plan for your parent, (3) set up a monthly delivery of products your parent needs (paper goods, grooming goods, household things) and check in to see what's needed more of less, (4) just reach out and talk to your parent 1-2 times per week, and (5) set up a meal delivery service (or something else they would like) once in a while for your siblings as a thank you. I am the local sibling and it's been really hard for several years. My sister and I had a really hard time because there was a very evident inequality in what we were doing to help out, even though we both agreed on the standard of care we want our parents to have. It has worked out very well for us for her to take on everything that can be done from afar, and I do everything that needs to be done locally. I still wind up having a lot more to do on an unpredictable schedule (both parents have medical issues, one moderate and one severe in an in-patient facility), which is hard with job and kids, but my sister and I feel much more like partners in this now. It's much better for both of us.

I am just amazed that someone who needs this level of care is o.k. to live alone. You are basically paying her bills, sending her food delivery and popping by to check on her during the week. I'm going to sound critical and I'm sorry if I do but I have a serious question - if your mom is not mentally sharp enough to manage her own finance and if she is no longer capable of shopping for herself or preparing her meals, should she still be living in her house or would she be better served in assisted living?

This is my opinion. My sister is the enabler - "Dad will never move, get over it, stop talking about it, etc." We no, he's never going to accept it when you are there to make everything easy for him at great expense to you (physically) and everyone else (financially and emotionally). He's never going to accept it when you won't sit down with your siblings to discuss a strategy and a joint conversation with dad about the hard realities of his situation. So sorry, I don't live there and I'm not moving my kids b/c the status quo/martyrdom is easier for you. It's not easier for me, and a 70 year old man who has practically died twice and has about three chronic diseases and mobility issues has no business living by himself.

[Anonymous]

Families need to have conversations about who will do what as parents get older. Do it when everyone is together, even if it's Thanksgiving or Christmas Day. It has to be done.
No one likes to talk about aging and death, but it can't be ignored.
Force the conversation if you must.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Families need to have conversations about who will do what as parents get older. Do it when everyone is together, even if it's Thanksgiving or Christmas Day. It has to be done.
No one likes to talk about aging and death, but it can't be ignored.
Force the conversation if you must.

It doesn't work this way when everyone has different opinion on aging. One sibling is afraid that any conflict will cause blood pressure to rise and cause health problems (like conversations about using services or relocation) and will continue physically help the parent. The other sibling considers this unacceptable and stops any physical help until paid help is accepted. Parent refuses, the sibling with the guilt trip is upset but continues helping.