Requests from a Sibing who is there for Elderly Parents

[Anonymous]

I know that it can be easier said than done but usually it is preferable to work with your other family members to ensure that a parent is getting good care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know that it can be easier said than done but usually it is preferable to work with your other family members to ensure that a parent is getting good care.

I don't think anyone said not to do that. I think what is being said is, if someone is actually THERE on a regular basis and you are not, don't offer advice unless you actually hear the situation first from the person who is actually there. There a lot of people who have no clue what is going on, yet they feel the need to impose their views. Listening is very important before flapping one's gums and going yakkity yak. JMHO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you choose a particular way, that is hard, but it's the way that is acceptable to you, but not to me. For example, a parent is refusing to accept hired help and you do it yourself. You talk to me about it. I don't offer physical help, only financial. You keep talking about how hard it is. I understand that you need to vent. I hope you don't expect that I will actually help physically.

Just WOW! Can you see that the PARENT needs help here not the sibling? I don't get the impression that the sibling is looking for someone to bathe mom, but she would LOVE you to visit regularly (not once a year), cook a meal, attend a doctor's appointment, run some errands, sit down and spend time with YOUR parent.

As a local sibling, I'm the one who handles Dr. appointments, grocery shopping, banking, making sure parent is well taken care of in assisted living, etc. Sibling visits every 6 months or so and it's infuriating that they can't be bothered to visit more often. Sibling is only a couple hours away by car. No children.

There's still a LOT that family members need to do for a person in assisted living. Yes, the facility would provide transportation to doctor appointments, but would the patient remember doctor instructions, medications taken, etc.? Sadly, some children put their parents into care facilities and forget their responsibilities to their parents.

Doesn't assisted living provide help with daily meds? If your mom had to attend a doctor appt by herself could you not get info about her appt and any care decisions made? A lot of this stuff is done electronically now so you would pull up her patient account and check to see how things went. The need for you to be physically present for every single appt may not be necessary. In fact, maybe you could delegate that responsibility to a sibling.

Usually assisted living places provide a lot of.....assistance...

Read up on assisted living. There are too many cases of abuse and mistakes. A loving family member needs to be very involved to ensure things are done properly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you choose a particular way, that is hard, but it's the way that is acceptable to you, but not to me. For example, a parent is refusing to accept hired help and you do it yourself. You talk to me about it. I don't offer physical help, only financial. You keep talking about how hard it is. I understand that you need to vent. I hope you don't expect that I will actually help physically.

Just WOW! Can you see that the PARENT needs help here not the sibling? I don't get the impression that the sibling is looking for someone to bathe mom, but she would LOVE you to visit regularly (not once a year), cook a meal, attend a doctor's appointment, run some errands, sit down and spend time with YOUR parent.

As a local sibling, I'm the one who handles Dr. appointments, grocery shopping, banking, making sure parent is well taken care of in assisted living, etc. Sibling visits every 6 months or so and it's infuriating that they can't be bothered to visit more often. Sibling is only a couple hours away by car. No children.

There's still a LOT that family members need to do for a person in assisted living. Yes, the facility would provide transportation to doctor appointments, but would the patient remember doctor instructions, medications taken, etc.? Sadly, some children put their parents into care facilities and forget their responsibilities to their parents.

Doesn't assisted living provide help with daily meds? If your mom had to attend a doctor appt by herself could you not get info about her appt and any care decisions made? A lot of this stuff is done electronically now so you would pull up her patient account and check to see how things went. The need for you to be physically present for every single appt may not be necessary. In fact, maybe you could delegate that responsibility to a sibling.

Usually assisted living places provide a lot of.....assistance...

Read up on assisted living. There are too many cases of abuse and mistakes. A loving family member needs to be very involved to ensure things are done properly.

The most important thing you can do is visit - true. But you do not have to be there to do medication management. You can pop by and enjoy morning coffee or sit with your relative during a meal and help them tear the wrapping off saltines or twist off the cap to the ketchup....etc. It's mainly about visiting and having your presence there for them. You can go out and pick up new clothes and maybe take them grocery shopping to buy some favorite treats.

[Anonymous]

You are sadly mistaken. You absolutely need to check up on things like medication management. My mother’s very stable long standing medical regime was arbitrarily changed by the physician who visited residents. It was weeks before I realized that. And it took months to sort her out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are sadly mistaken. You absolutely need to check up on things like medication management. My mother’s very stable long standing medical regime was arbitrarily changed by the physician who visited residents. It was weeks before I realized that. And it took months to sort her out.

Yes, you should make it a point to have access to your parent's patient account info so you will stay apprised of any treatment changes. If you are visiting a couple of times a week you will likely notice any odd medication side affects. You can't expect to be there every time your parent needs to take a pill, or at least most people wouldn't be available to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you choose a particular way, that is hard, but it's the way that is acceptable to you, but not to me. For example, a parent is refusing to accept hired help and you do it yourself. You talk to me about it. I don't offer physical help, only financial. You keep talking about how hard it is. I understand that you need to vent. I hope you don't expect that I will actually help physically.

Just WOW! Can you see that the PARENT needs help here not the sibling? I don't get the impression that the sibling is looking for someone to bathe mom, but she would LOVE you to visit regularly (not once a year), cook a meal, attend a doctor's appointment, run some errands, sit down and spend time with YOUR parent.

As a local sibling, I'm the one who handles Dr. appointments, grocery shopping, banking, making sure parent is well taken care of in assisted living, etc. Sibling visits every 6 months or so and it's infuriating that they can't be bothered to visit more often. Sibling is only a couple hours away by car. No children.

I am in a very similar situation except mama is not in assisted living yet. When out of state sisters come to visit they offer no help. They visit briefly, do nothing for mama and go on their merry way.

Not sure if it's because they can't cope with her (she is very cantankerous) or they just don't feel the same obligation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know that it can be easier said than done but usually it is preferable to work with your other family members to ensure that a parent is getting good care.

I don't think anyone said not to do that. I think what is being said is, if someone is actually THERE on a regular basis and you are not, don't offer advice unless you actually hear the situation first from the person who is actually there. There a lot of people who have no clue what is going on, yet they feel the need to impose their views. Listening is very important before flapping one's gums and going yakkity yak. JMHO.

My out of state sister loves to offer advice. She wouldn't last a day taking care of mama so I take any advice with a grain of salt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are sadly mistaken. You absolutely need to check up on things like medication management. My mother’s very stable long standing medical regime was arbitrarily changed by the physician who visited residents. It was weeks before I realized that. And it took months to sort her out.

Yes, you should make it a point to have access to your parent's patient account info so you will stay apprised of any treatment changes. If you are visiting a couple of times a week you will likely notice any odd medication side affects. You can't expect to be there every time your parent needs to take a pill, or at least most people wouldn't be available to do that.

There is no patient account at the nursing home my MIL is at. They force you to use their doctors who are horrible. We tried to terminate the doctor and they wouldn't let us. My MIL is not well cared for at a better rated nursing home. There is absolutely no communication and we are constantly trying to deal with them unsuccessfully. They cover up everything. We notice odd things and report them and the nursing home does nothing. It is very important to go frequently but even then its not that simple. My MIL was recently injured and it took them two days to call us and they claimed they could not reach us and yet when they tried we immediately anwsered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you choose a particular way, that is hard, but it's the way that is acceptable to you, but not to me. For example, a parent is refusing to accept hired help and you do it yourself. You talk to me about it. I don't offer physical help, only financial. You keep talking about how hard it is. I understand that you need to vent. I hope you don't expect that I will actually help physically.

What is someone supposed to do if the parent will not take hired help? It takes more than financial help, especially if you are only doing something like a few hundred a month. You have no idea how hard it is. Step up and be decent and help. Or hire someone directly to come in and manage it.

The parent knows whose buttons he/she can press. While the parent has the power over one sibling no hiring can be done (the parent will not open the door, will not accept food delivery or cleaning service, etc). What do you suggest in such case?

They sure do know who's buttons they can press. They programmed them after all!

I hope I've done better with my girls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you choose a particular way, that is hard, but it's the way that is acceptable to you, but not to me. For example, a parent is refusing to accept hired help and you do it yourself. You talk to me about it. I don't offer physical help, only financial. You keep talking about how hard it is. I understand that you need to vent. I hope you don't expect that I will actually help physically.

Just WOW! Can you see that the PARENT needs help here not the sibling? I don't get the impression that the sibling is looking for someone to bathe mom, but she would LOVE you to visit regularly (not once a year), cook a meal, attend a doctor's appointment, run some errands, sit down and spend time with YOUR parent.

As a local sibling, I'm the one who handles Dr. appointments, grocery shopping, banking, making sure parent is well taken care of in assisted living, etc. Sibling visits every 6 months or so and it's infuriating that they can't be bothered to visit more often. Sibling is only a couple hours away by car. No children.

There's still a LOT that family members need to do for a person in assisted living. Yes, the facility would provide transportation to doctor appointments, but would the patient remember doctor instructions, medications taken, etc.? Sadly, some children put their parents into care facilities and forget their responsibilities to their parents.

Doesn't assisted living provide help with daily meds? If your mom had to attend a doctor appt by herself could you not get info about her appt and any care decisions made? A lot of this stuff is done electronically now so you would pull up her patient account and check to see how things went. The need for you to be physically present for every single appt may not be necessary. In fact, maybe you could delegate that responsibility to a sibling.

Usually assisted living places provide a lot of.....assistance...

Read up on assisted living. There are too many cases of abuse and mistakes. A loving family member needs to be very involved to ensure things are done properly.

Assisted living places provide almost no assistance, other than one meal a day. You have to pay extra for help with dressing, bathing, meds, cleaning, bill paying, ......

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you choose a particular way, that is hard, but it's the way that is acceptable to you, but not to me. For example, a parent is refusing to accept hired help and you do it yourself. You talk to me about it. I don't offer physical help, only financial. You keep talking about how hard it is. I understand that you need to vent. I hope you don't expect that I will actually help physically.

Just WOW! Can you see that the PARENT needs help here not the sibling? I don't get the impression that the sibling is looking for someone to bathe mom, but she would LOVE you to visit regularly (not once a year), cook a meal, attend a doctor's appointment, run some errands, sit down and spend time with YOUR parent.

As a local sibling, I'm the one who handles Dr. appointments, grocery shopping, banking, making sure parent is well taken care of in assisted living, etc. Sibling visits every 6 months or so and it's infuriating that they can't be bothered to visit more often. Sibling is only a couple hours away by car. No children.

There's still a LOT that family members need to do for a person in assisted living. Yes, the facility would provide transportation to doctor appointments, but would the patient remember doctor instructions, medications taken, etc.? Sadly, some children put their parents into care facilities and forget their responsibilities to their parents.

Doesn't assisted living provide help with daily meds? If your mom had to attend a doctor appt by herself could you not get info about her appt and any care decisions made? A lot of this stuff is done electronically now so you would pull up her patient account and check to see how things went. The need for you to be physically present for every single appt may not be necessary. In fact, maybe you could delegate that responsibility to a sibling.

Usually assisted living places provide a lot of.....assistance...

Read up on assisted living. There are too many cases of abuse and mistakes. A loving family member needs to be very involved to ensure things are done properly.

Assisted living places provide almost no assistance, other than one meal a day. You have to pay extra for help with dressing, bathing, meds, cleaning, bill paying, ......

Some places offer more than others do. Be sure to shop around..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you choose a particular way, that is hard, but it's the way that is acceptable to you, but not to me. For example, a parent is refusing to accept hired help and you do it yourself. You talk to me about it. I don't offer physical help, only financial. You keep talking about how hard it is. I understand that you need to vent. I hope you don't expect that I will actually help physically.

Just WOW! Can you see that the PARENT needs help here not the sibling? I don't get the impression that the sibling is looking for someone to bathe mom, but she would LOVE you to visit regularly (not once a year), cook a meal, attend a doctor's appointment, run some errands, sit down and spend time with YOUR parent.

As a local sibling, I'm the one who handles Dr. appointments, grocery shopping, banking, making sure parent is well taken care of in assisted living, etc. Sibling visits every 6 months or so and it's infuriating that they can't be bothered to visit more often. Sibling is only a couple hours away by car. No children.

There's still a LOT that family members need to do for a person in assisted living. Yes, the facility would provide transportation to doctor appointments, but would the patient remember doctor instructions, medications taken, etc.? Sadly, some children put their parents into care facilities and forget their responsibilities to their parents.

Doesn't assisted living provide help with daily meds? If your mom had to attend a doctor appt by herself could you not get info about her appt and any care decisions made? A lot of this stuff is done electronically now so you would pull up her patient account and check to see how things went. The need for you to be physically present for every single appt may not be necessary. In fact, maybe you could delegate that responsibility to a sibling.

Usually assisted living places provide a lot of.....assistance...

Read up on assisted living. There are too many cases of abuse and mistakes. A loving family member needs to be very involved to ensure things are done properly.

Assisted living places provide almost no assistance, other than one meal a day. You have to pay extra for help with dressing, bathing, meds, cleaning, bill paying, ......

Some places offer more than others do. Be sure to shop around..

If you need much more you go to a nursing home or pay for a private aide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you choose a particular way, that is hard, but it's the way that is acceptable to you, but not to me. For example, a parent is refusing to accept hired help and you do it yourself. You talk to me about it. I don't offer physical help, only financial. You keep talking about how hard it is. I understand that you need to vent. I hope you don't expect that I will actually help physically.

Just WOW! Can you see that the PARENT needs help here not the sibling? I don't get the impression that the sibling is looking for someone to bathe mom, but she would LOVE you to visit regularly (not once a year), cook a meal, attend a doctor's appointment, run some errands, sit down and spend time with YOUR parent.

As a local sibling, I'm the one who handles Dr. appointments, grocery shopping, banking, making sure parent is well taken care of in assisted living, etc. Sibling visits every 6 months or so and it's infuriating that they can't be bothered to visit more often. Sibling is only a couple hours away by car. No children.

I am in a very similar situation except mama is not in assisted living yet. When out of state sisters come to visit they offer no help. They visit briefly, do nothing for mama and go on their merry way.

Not sure if it's because they can't cope with her (she is very cantankerous) or they just don't feel the same obligation.

Cantankerous behavior can very easily eliminate any feeling of obligation.

[Anonymous]

I am never doing this to my kids.

Lingering well past the age of a normal, decent lifespan, illness after illness, treating and testing and poking and prodding and for what? So my kids, who I would die for, can burn themselves out and be miserable? So I can lose all my faculties and then my dignity?

No fucking thanks.