Requests from a Sibing who is there for Elderly Parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I don't speak for everyone. This is actually just a personal vent since I have tried to communicate this very message in my own family and it fell of deaf ears.

1.) If you aren't there helping, then don't give unsolicited advice. If you feel the burning desire to give advice, ask if you can give it choose your words carefully and watch your tone. Do not talk down to the caregiving sibling. Show respect and appreciation.

2.) Do not assume you know the situation better than the person who is actually there.

3.) Do not expect a standing ovation when you come into town now and then to say "hello" to the elderly parents. Offer to actually do something for them that gives others a break.

4.) Saying things like "wow, you seem stressed out!" or "You look sooooooo tired" isn't helpful. Are you really that surprised to find someone stressed and fatigued in this role? Instead be gracious, show appreciation and make concrete offers to be helpful if you can. If you cannot offer help, then simply be pleasant.

5.) Do not stir up drama. Do not make this about you.


If you have anything to add feel free to. I fully expect people to call me some kind of martyr feeling sorry for myself. Just want to clarify. I am trying to manage a challenging situation when I have a family of my own, work, etc. If the stress does me in I am of no help to anyone. These are things that would make life easier for me personally. Since my own siblings won't listen, I figured I'd launch this into cyberspace both for the comfort of venting and in the hopes that maybe it helps someone else.
6.) Don't make assumptions. Sometimes out of guilt for not being there people actually create problems. I don't resent the fact I am the primary helper. I do resent when family members cause problems and treat me like the hired help. Respect boundaries. I am not on your payroll and you cannot just give me orders.

OP, here are some important considerations, that you may or may not be willing to admit:

Do you have children of your own to take care of, OP?

Maybe the care of your parent fell to you, because you were the only one without children of their own to take care of?

I find that couples without children do not realize how much time and work goes into raising children.



On another note, are you the "favored" child? Did your parents give you more than other siblings - pay for your college, your house, your wedding? All of those? Plus major expenses?

I would bet if that is the case (and you are willing to admit so) - your other siblings are well aware of who got what.

Maybe the care of the parent fell to you, because you were known to be the one who was handed everything, or at least a lot more than the siblings - who might still be paying off the major expenses that you did not have to.



Something to consider. I know that it is easy to believe that "other people have it so easy" - but you have no idea, really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband would probably take some time off from work if I got sick, or we would have his mother help. She's in her 60's and in good shape. My parent is much older and not in good health. My kids are in ES and MS.

So your husband and your MIL would take care of you and your mom and supervise the kids?

Yes. Kids are upper ES and MS, so fairly independent - not babies

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband would probably take some time off from work if I got sick, or we would have his mother help. She's in her 60's and in good shape. My parent is much older and not in good health. My kids are in ES and MS.

So your husband and your MIL would take care of you and your mom and supervise the kids?

Yes. Kids are upper ES and MS, so fairly independent - not babies

That's great. How old is your MIL?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband would probably take some time off from work if I got sick, or we would have his mother help. She's in her 60's and in good shape. My parent is much older and not in good health. My kids are in ES and MS.

So your husband and your MIL would take care of you and your mom and supervise the kids?

Yes. Kids are upper ES and MS, so fairly independent - not babies

That's great. How old is your MIL?

Sorry, just realized that you already said that she's in her 60's and in good health. I actually have never heard of a MIL stepping in to take care of a DIL + her DIL's elderly mother + supervising ES/MS kids but that is wonderful that you think she would be able to handle all of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, I don't think the PP who said she was burned up should be. You just don't know until you are here. I am the away sibling and my siblings have treated me like garbage because they are angry that I live away and escape a lot of this. I am thankful, recognize their efforts, I do offer suggestions trying to be helpful (but guess I shouldn't) but they suck too. I can't change where I live and they resent me because of this.

If you haven't already, could you reach out and ask them what you CAN do that would be helpful to them? You could also make concrete suggestions based on you parent's particular needs. Some ideas are to (1) start taking care of the paperwork/online billing that can be done from afar, like mortgage, insurance, credit card bills, alarm system payments, phone bills, etc. (2) set up (and keep up to date based on how it goes) a grocery or meal delivery plan for your parent, (3) set up a monthly delivery of products your parent needs (paper goods, grooming goods, household things) and check in to see what's needed more of less, (4) just reach out and talk to your parent 1-2 times per week, and (5) set up a meal delivery service (or something else they would like) once in a while for your siblings as a thank you. I am the local sibling and it's been really hard for several years. My sister and I had a really hard time because there was a very evident inequality in what we were doing to help out, even though we both agreed on the standard of care we want our parents to have. It has worked out very well for us for her to take on everything that can be done from afar, and I do everything that needs to be done locally. I still wind up having a lot more to do on an unpredictable schedule (both parents have medical issues, one moderate and one severe in an in-patient facility), which is hard with job and kids, but my sister and I feel much more like partners in this now. It's much better for both of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, I don't think the PP who said she was burned up should be. You just don't know until you are here. I am the away sibling and my siblings have treated me like garbage because they are angry that I live away and escape a lot of this. I am thankful, recognize their efforts, I do offer suggestions trying to be helpful (but guess I shouldn't) but they suck too. I can't change where I live and they resent me because of this.

If you haven't already, could you reach out and ask them what you CAN do that would be helpful to them? You could also make concrete suggestions based on you parent's particular needs. Some ideas are to (1) start taking care of the paperwork/online billing that can be done from afar, like mortgage, insurance, credit card bills, alarm system payments, phone bills, etc. (2) set up (and keep up to date based on how it goes) a grocery or meal delivery plan for your parent, (3) set up a monthly delivery of products your parent needs (paper goods, grooming goods, household things) and check in to see what's needed more of less, (4) just reach out and talk to your parent 1-2 times per week, and (5) set up a meal delivery service (or something else they would like) once in a while for your siblings as a thank you. I am the local sibling and it's been really hard for several years. My sister and I had a really hard time because there was a very evident inequality in what we were doing to help out, even though we both agreed on the standard of care we want our parents to have. It has worked out very well for us for her to take on everything that can be done from afar, and I do everything that needs to be done locally. I still wind up having a lot more to do on an unpredictable schedule (both parents have medical issues, one moderate and one severe in an in-patient facility), which is hard with job and kids, but my sister and I feel much more like partners in this now. It's much better for both of us.

I am just amazed that someone who needs this level of care is o.k. to live alone. You are basically paying her bills, sending her food delivery and popping by to check on her during the week. I'm going to sound critical and I'm sorry if I do but I have a serious question - if your mom is not mentally sharp enough to manage her own finance and if she is no longer capable of shopping for herself or preparing her meals, should she still be living in her house or would she be better served in assisted living?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I don't speak for everyone. This is actually just a personal vent since I have tried to communicate this very message in my own family and it fell of deaf ears.

1.) If you aren't there helping, then don't give unsolicited advice. If you feel the burning desire to give advice, ask if you can give it choose your words carefully and watch your tone. Do not talk down to the caregiving sibling. Show respect and appreciation.

2.) Do not assume you know the situation better than the person who is actually there.

3.) Do not expect a standing ovation when you come into town now and then to say "hello" to the elderly parents. Offer to actually do something for them that gives others a break.

4.) Saying things like "wow, you seem stressed out!" or "You look sooooooo tired" isn't helpful. Are you really that surprised to find someone stressed and fatigued in this role? Instead be gracious, show appreciation and make concrete offers to be helpful if you can. If you cannot offer help, then simply be pleasant.

5.) Do not stir up drama. Do not make this about you.


If you have anything to add feel free to. I fully expect people to call me some kind of martyr feeling sorry for myself. Just want to clarify. I am trying to manage a challenging situation when I have a family of my own, work, etc. If the stress does me in I am of no help to anyone. These are things that would make life easier for me personally. Since my own siblings won't listen, I figured I'd launch this into cyberspace both for the comfort of venting and in the hopes that maybe it helps someone else.
6.) Don't make assumptions. Sometimes out of guilt for not being there people actually create problems. I don't resent the fact I am the primary helper. I do resent when family members cause problems and treat me like the hired help. Respect boundaries. I am not on your payroll and you cannot just give me orders.

OP, here are some important considerations, that you may or may not be willing to admit:

Do you have children of your own to take care of, OP?

Maybe the care of your parent fell to you, because you were the only one without children of their own to take care of?

I find that couples without children do not realize how much time and work goes into raising children.



On another note, are you the "favored" child? Did your parents give you more than other siblings - pay for your college, your house, your wedding? All of those? Plus major expenses?

I would bet if that is the case (and you are willing to admit so) - your other siblings are well aware of who got what.

Maybe the care of the parent fell to you, because you were known to be the one who was handed everything, or at least a lot more than the siblings - who might still be paying off the major expenses that you did not have to.



Something to consider. I know that it is easy to believe that "other people have it so easy" - but you have no idea, really.

This is an interesting point and not OP, but I care for my MIL and will soon my Dad. My parents gave my sister far more for college and graduate school and over the years have gifted her money, at their choice not by her asking or needing it. They refuse to do anything for us or our kids as they are angry I'm not working (among other things) and caring for my MIL. My sister does nothing to help but give bad advice. I don't care about the money, but they treat me terrible and still expect everything from me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, I don't think the PP who said she was burned up should be. You just don't know until you are here. I am the away sibling and my siblings have treated me like garbage because they are angry that I live away and escape a lot of this. I am thankful, recognize their efforts, I do offer suggestions trying to be helpful (but guess I shouldn't) but they suck too. I can't change where I live and they resent me because of this.

If you haven't already, could you reach out and ask them what you CAN do that would be helpful to them? You could also make concrete suggestions based on you parent's particular needs. Some ideas are to (1) start taking care of the paperwork/online billing that can be done from afar, like mortgage, insurance, credit card bills, alarm system payments, phone bills, etc. (2) set up (and keep up to date based on how it goes) a grocery or meal delivery plan for your parent, (3) set up a monthly delivery of products your parent needs (paper goods, grooming goods, household things) and check in to see what's needed more of less, (4) just reach out and talk to your parent 1-2 times per week, and (5) set up a meal delivery service (or something else they would like) once in a while for your siblings as a thank you. I am the local sibling and it's been really hard for several years. My sister and I had a really hard time because there was a very evident inequality in what we were doing to help out, even though we both agreed on the standard of care we want our parents to have. It has worked out very well for us for her to take on everything that can be done from afar, and I do everything that needs to be done locally. I still wind up having a lot more to do on an unpredictable schedule (both parents have medical issues, one moderate and one severe in an in-patient facility), which is hard with job and kids, but my sister and I feel much more like partners in this now. It's much better for both of us.

+1, I'd appreciate a local phone call and just buying some clothing a few times a year.. not much - clothing is really just a few teeshirts, nightgowns and pants at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of this is so scary. I think the vast majority of us aren't prepared or can help care for an elderly family member. What are you supposed to do when you have a full time job?

I just had a baby and I read diatribe after diatribe from people who state that if you need help at all that you shouldn't have had children.

How much would you have to make to be able to afford to pay for childcare, save for your own retirement, save for your children's college, pay your mortgage, student loans and other bills.....while taking on the full time care of an elderly parent?

Answer: That simply is not doable for the vast majority of people.

You don't. I cannot work due to caring for one and about to take on another. Fortunately my husband makes enough where we are ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you choose a particular way, that is hard, but it's the way that is acceptable to you, but not to me. For example, a parent is refusing to accept hired help and you do it yourself. You talk to me about it. I don't offer physical help, only financial. You keep talking about how hard it is. I understand that you need to vent. I hope you don't expect that I will actually help physically.

Just WOW! Can you see that the PARENT needs help here not the sibling? I don't get the impression that the sibling is looking for someone to bathe mom, but she would LOVE you to visit regularly (not once a year), cook a meal, attend a doctor's appointment, run some errands, sit down and spend time with YOUR parent.

As a local sibling, I'm the one who handles Dr. appointments, grocery shopping, banking, making sure parent is well taken care of in assisted living, etc. Sibling visits every 6 months or so and it's infuriating that they can't be bothered to visit more often. Sibling is only a couple hours away by car. No children.

Your parent is in assisted living. Does their community offer transport to doctors appts and prepared meals? If you went away for a week or two wouldn't your parent still be cared for?

As far as banking goes, do you use automated bill pay and direct deposit for fixed expenses and income.

This response burns me up. PP is most likely the type that the OP is referring to. These types think there is an answer for everything so the one in the trenches doing the heavy lifting is obviously making it hard on themselves, naturally? Has it ever occurred to types like the PP that even if the community offers transport to doctors appointments someone has to arrange for such a thing. Plus, who will sit in with the elderly parent during the drs. appt. because a community transport worker will not so elderly mom or dad will have to process all the medical information coming their way on their own. At a minimum that is not ideal, but can actually prove dangerous. For the siblings that live far away and are unable to help the local sib just show your appreciation. It really is that simple. Offering "helpful" answers from afar is offensive.

Those transportation services only work if the individual is reasonably healthy. My MIL has dementia and I called a bunch and they said no. So, we have to drive 40 minutes to get MIL, it takes about 30 minutes to get her out the door, then drive to the doctor, appointment, drive her back, then drive home. Its a good 1/2 day activity if not all day.

What happens if your mom needs to go to the doctor, you have a stomach bug or an emergency of some kind and you can't take half a day off to take her to an appt?

My husband usually can flex, if not it would get canceled. She is in a nursing home but we still get outside care as the doctors assigned are terrible and we have to take her out for dental care. You find a way and make it work. I don't work and its one of the reasons why. I am usually at the nursing home 1-2 days a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of this is so scary. I think the vast majority of us aren't prepared or can help care for an elderly family member. What are you supposed to do when you have a full time job?

I just had a baby and I read diatribe after diatribe from people who state that if you need help at all that you shouldn't have had children.

How much would you have to make to be able to afford to pay for childcare, save for your own retirement, save for your children's college, pay your mortgage, student loans and other bills.....while taking on the full time care of an elderly parent?

Answer: That simply is not doable for the vast majority of people.

You don't. I cannot work due to caring for one and about to take on another. Fortunately my husband makes enough where we are ok.

You are going to have two elderly people living in your house who will need you to take care of them? I don't know how you do it pp. That has got to be exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband would probably take some time off from work if I got sick, or we would have his mother help. She's in her 60's and in good shape. My parent is much older and not in good health. My kids are in ES and MS.

So your husband and your MIL would take care of you and your mom and supervise the kids?

Yes. Kids are upper ES and MS, so fairly independent - not babies

That's great. How old is your MIL?

Sorry, just realized that you already said that she's in her 60's and in good health. I actually have never heard of a MIL stepping in to take care of a DIL + her DIL's elderly mother + supervising ES/MS kids but that is wonderful that you think she would be able to handle all of that.

I'm very lucky. MIL is a retired nurse and a wonderful person. She had her children when she was 20 or so. My parents were in their mid-30s. It makes a huge difference.

[Anonymous]

^She sounds like a sweetheart, pp. You are lucky!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of this is so scary. I think the vast majority of us aren't prepared or can help care for an elderly family member. What are you supposed to do when you have a full time job?

I just had a baby and I read diatribe after diatribe from people who state that if you need help at all that you shouldn't have had children.

How much would you have to make to be able to afford to pay for childcare, save for your own retirement, save for your children's college, pay your mortgage, student loans and other bills.....while taking on the full time care of an elderly parent?

Answer: That simply is not doable for the vast majority of people.

You don't. I cannot work due to caring for one and about to take on another. Fortunately my husband makes enough where we are ok.

You are going to have two elderly people living in your house who will need you to take care of them? I don't know how you do it pp. That has got to be exhausting.

My MIL lived with us for 9 months and then we had to put her in a nursing home as she needed 24/7 care and wouldn't leave the house so it was causing issues with the kids. My Dad needs a lot of help, refuses to pay anyone but right now its lots of drama as my sibling and mom, who is divorced from him, want to dictate everything. It will all fall on me very soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you choose a particular way, that is hard, but it's the way that is acceptable to you, but not to me. For example, a parent is refusing to accept hired help and you do it yourself. You talk to me about it. I don't offer physical help, only financial. You keep talking about how hard it is. I understand that you need to vent. I hope you don't expect that I will actually help physically.

Just WOW! Can you see that the PARENT needs help here not the sibling? I don't get the impression that the sibling is looking for someone to bathe mom, but she would LOVE you to visit regularly (not once a year), cook a meal, attend a doctor's appointment, run some errands, sit down and spend time with YOUR parent.

As a local sibling, I'm the one who handles Dr. appointments, grocery shopping, banking, making sure parent is well taken care of in assisted living, etc. Sibling visits every 6 months or so and it's infuriating that they can't be bothered to visit more often. Sibling is only a couple hours away by car. No children.

Your parent is in assisted living. Does their community offer transport to doctors appts and prepared meals? If you went away for a week or two wouldn't your parent still be cared for?

As far as banking goes, do you use automated bill pay and direct deposit for fixed expenses and income.

This response burns me up. PP is most likely the type that the OP is referring to. These types think there is an answer for everything so the one in the trenches doing the heavy lifting is obviously making it hard on themselves, naturally? Has it ever occurred to types like the PP that even if the community offers transport to doctors appointments someone has to arrange for such a thing. Plus, who will sit in with the elderly parent during the drs. appt. because a community transport worker will not so elderly mom or dad will have to process all the medical information coming their way on their own. At a minimum that is not ideal, but can actually prove dangerous. For the siblings that live far away and are unable to help the local sib just show your appreciation. It really is that simple. Offering "helpful" answers from afar is offensive.

Those transportation services only work if the individual is reasonably healthy. My MIL has dementia and I called a bunch and they said no. So, we have to drive 40 minutes to get MIL, it takes about 30 minutes to get her out the door, then drive to the doctor, appointment, drive her back, then drive home. Its a good 1/2 day activity if not all day.

My dad had early onset dementia. He was reasonably strong and could be combative. Beyond a certain point, there was no way that a family member or a hired aid or anyone else could have gotten him to/from a doctors appt. Ever waited in a waiting room with a combative and disoriented dementia patient? That's not something you do more than once, I'll tell you that.

There is a reason that lots of nursing homes have physicians that visit them to prescribe for the patients. Transport is no longer a viable option.

Nursing home doctors are terrible. My MIL has early onset. We have to sedate her to transport her and get her through appointments. Its very very very difficult. Yes, it is something you do more than once. You do what you need to do. Its not fun and it takes two of us.