Requests from a Sibing who is there for Elderly Parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP. Yet you also need to remember that your siblings have a right to be informed and have a say in major care decisions too. It's not all "unsolicited advice." It sounds like you need better communication channels, and yes, to stop being a martyr.

I think it has to do with how a person communicates with the sibling who is doing the heavy lifting. If you aren't there, you need to listen to the information before jumping to conclusions and giving advice.

I think people need to be careful too. If you think you know so much better than the person actually there and yopu cannot treat that person with respect, then you also need to be prepared to step up to the plate and either move the parent near or in with you or take a leave of absense and come see what is really going on. Also, if the caregiver loses it, you will have no choice but to do more than your share.

+1 for the second poster. It is so easy to be the back-seat driver. Take heart OP and know that you are doing the right thing. My FIL lives with us and has Alzheimer's.

The photo thing cracked me up. BTDT because it is totally something like my brother and SIL would do (if it were our parents, not my FIL). They are too lazy to print out the pics themselves but would have a lot to say if I didn't show every freaking one to my folks along with captioning to highlight how wonderful it all is.

But my FIL does get a lot of mail from friends and extended family so here is what we did. We set up my FIL with his own e-mail account so that folks could email him directly because he still hears a lot from his business contacts and friends. One of us downloads all the photos onto the family kitchen computer. He can pull them up and look at the gallery with us or with his caretaker. In our home his caretaker knows his password and can log him in directly to email. Not everyone would feel comfortable doing that. They also go in and work on his Facebook account although the only friends we've allowed are close family and friends.

Good luck, OP, and I for one think you look GREAT!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in the same situation and totally agree with 6. My sister kept insisting I do stuff like print out and show emails she was sending about cute stuff about the kids, etc. No. Come
Visit to show him yourself or send it in the mail. Do not add to my workload.

Ugh- my sister does it. And half the time the pictures are of just her and her bf, not kids. I pretend to show my mom and my sister will be "Oh! What did mom say about the picture of me and Larlo?" and I reply "she didn't seem to care". It gets her so mad- I love it.

[Anonymous]

What if you choose a particular way, that is hard, but it's the way that is acceptable to you, but not to me. For example, a parent is refusing to accept hired help and you do it yourself. You talk to me about it. I don't offer physical help, only financial. You keep talking about how hard it is. I understand that you need to vent. I hope you don't expect that I will actually help physically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, why/how did tou sign up for this? Money? Would you say if it was about money (probably not)? I know someone in this situation, they abused the parent and stole everything the parent/family had, for terrible reasons - not least of which, she felt "owed". Not saying this is you, but it happens. Not everyone who takes a parent in has good intentions - some are truly awful.

If you truly suspect someone isw doing this, then you step up to the plate and take care of your parent. Move the parent in with you.

The parent is unwilling to relocate, and insists the parent beater/berater is "petfect".

[Anonymous]

*perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, sorry, OP. Your siblings sound annoying and clueless. What kinds of orders do they try to give you? Do you remindcthrm you’re not a hired aide?

Siblings who expect someone else to do the work of printing stuff out are just assholes.

Ugh, just show Mom the pictures on your phone when you see her next. If Mom wants one of them printed, let the sibling know that Mom got a kick out of the picture of the baby blowing bubbles (or whatever) and Mom would love it if sibling could print the picture out and mail it her.

I can see why the sibling wouldn't want to print out every single picture they take.

yES, BECAUSE elderly folks love trying to see photos on phones. If you want your parents to see photos, print out some nice big copies and send them or pay someone to do your part with the parents and have that person print them out.

Obviously, if the parent can't see the pictures, you tell the sibling. I tried to show Mom the pictures but she can't see them on my little phone screen sorry. Go ahead and print out a couple that you think she would like and mail them to her. She loves getting mail.

If they ask you to print them out say "Sorry, I don't have easy access to a printer".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What if you choose a particular way, that is hard, but it's the way that is acceptable to you, but not to me. For example, a parent is refusing to accept hired help and you do it yourself. You talk to me about it. I don't offer physical help, only financial. You keep talking about how hard it is. I understand that you need to vent. I hope you don't expect that I will actually help physically.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, sorry, OP. Your siblings sound annoying and clueless. What kinds of orders do they try to give you? Do you remindcthrm you’re not a hired aide?

Siblings who expect someone else to do the work of printing stuff out are just assholes.

Ugh, just show Mom the pictures on your phone when you see her next. If Mom wants one of them printed, let the sibling know that Mom got a kick out of the picture of the baby blowing bubbles (or whatever) and Mom would love it if sibling could print the picture out and mail it her.

I can see why the sibling wouldn't want to print out every single picture they take.

yES, BECAUSE elderly folks love trying to see photos on phones. If you want your parents to see photos, print out some nice big copies and send them or pay someone to do your part with the parents and have that person print them out.

I just upload photos onto the Shutterfly app and have photos sent directly to my parents. It's no more work than sending an email. It's not like you have to run to CVS to get photos printed these days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, sorry, OP. Your siblings sound annoying and clueless. What kinds of orders do they try to give you? Do you remindcthrm you’re not a hired aide?

Siblings who expect someone else to do the work of printing stuff out are just assholes.

Ugh, just show Mom the pictures on your phone when you see her next. If Mom wants one of them printed, let the sibling know that Mom got a kick out of the picture of the baby blowing bubbles (or whatever) and Mom would love it if sibling could print the picture out and mail it her.

I can see why the sibling wouldn't want to print out every single picture they take.

yES, BECAUSE elderly folks love trying to see photos on phones. If you want your parents to see photos, print out some nice big copies and send them or pay someone to do your part with the parents and have that person print them out.

I just upload photos onto the Shutterfly app and have photos sent directly to my parents. It's no more work than sending an email. It's not like you have to run to CVS to get photos printed these days.

Shutterfly actually sends out your printed photos for you? I didn't know that. That's a great suggestion!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What if you choose a particular way, that is hard, but it's the way that is acceptable to you, but not to me. For example, a parent is refusing to accept hired help and you do it yourself. You talk to me about it. I don't offer physical help, only financial. You keep talking about how hard it is. I understand that you need to vent. I hope you don't expect that I will actually help physically.

Just WOW! Can you see that the PARENT needs help here not the sibling? I don't get the impression that the sibling is looking for someone to bathe mom, but she would LOVE you to visit regularly (not once a year), cook a meal, attend a doctor's appointment, run some errands, sit down and spend time with YOUR parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you choose a particular way, that is hard, but it's the way that is acceptable to you, but not to me. For example, a parent is refusing to accept hired help and you do it yourself. You talk to me about it. I don't offer physical help, only financial. You keep talking about how hard it is. I understand that you need to vent. I hope you don't expect that I will actually help physically.

Just WOW! Can you see that the PARENT needs help here not the sibling? I don't get the impression that the sibling is looking for someone to bathe mom, but she would LOVE you to visit regularly (not once a year), cook a meal, attend a doctor's appointment, run some errands, sit down and spend time with YOUR parent.

As a local sibling, I'm the one who handles Dr. appointments, grocery shopping, banking, making sure parent is well taken care of in assisted living, etc. Sibling visits every 6 months or so and it's infuriating that they can't be bothered to visit more often. Sibling is only a couple hours away by car. No children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you choose a particular way, that is hard, but it's the way that is acceptable to you, but not to me. For example, a parent is refusing to accept hired help and you do it yourself. You talk to me about it. I don't offer physical help, only financial. You keep talking about how hard it is. I understand that you need to vent. I hope you don't expect that I will actually help physically.

Just WOW! Can you see that the PARENT needs help here not the sibling? I don't get the impression that the sibling is looking for someone to bathe mom, but she would LOVE you to visit regularly (not once a year), cook a meal, attend a doctor's appointment, run some errands, sit down and spend time with YOUR parent.

As a local sibling, I'm the one who handles Dr. appointments, grocery shopping, banking, making sure parent is well taken care of in assisted living, etc. Sibling visits every 6 months or so and it's infuriating that they can't be bothered to visit more often. Sibling is only a couple hours away by car. No children.

Your parent is in assisted living. Does their community offer transport to doctors appts and prepared meals? If you went away for a week or two wouldn't your parent still be cared for?

As far as banking goes, do you use automated bill pay and direct deposit for fixed expenses and income.

[Anonymous]

I am amazed at the expectation that someone should print out a picture. If you want the picture then you print it and mail it and make it easy. My MIL is in a nursing home and its still a lot of work dealing with the nursing home which is terrible, buying her clothing and everything she needs (which we often pay for out of our money) and visiting at least weekly.

My Dad is declining and my parents are separated. Mom wants to control everything related to money and my sister wants an opinion. I have had it and told them to deal with it as if they want to have all the control and decision making there is no need for me to get involved. (I'm going to have to pick up all the pieces as they will not do anything but send emails saying what needs to be done). My sister's attitude is she live far away. (well, we can fix that and move away too).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What if you choose a particular way, that is hard, but it's the way that is acceptable to you, but not to me. For example, a parent is refusing to accept hired help and you do it yourself. You talk to me about it. I don't offer physical help, only financial. You keep talking about how hard it is. I understand that you need to vent. I hope you don't expect that I will actually help physically.

What is someone supposed to do if the parent will not take hired help? It takes more than financial help, especially if you are only doing something like a few hundred a month. You have no idea how hard it is. Step up and be decent and help. Or hire someone directly to come in and manage it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am amazed at the expectation that someone should print out a picture. If you want the picture then you print it and mail it and make it easy. My MIL is in a nursing home and its still a lot of work dealing with the nursing home which is terrible, buying her clothing and everything she needs (which we often pay for out of our money) and visiting at least weekly.

My Dad is declining and my parents are separated. Mom wants to control everything related to money and my sister wants an opinion. I have had it and told them to deal with it as if they want to have all the control and decision making there is no need for me to get involved. (I'm going to have to pick up all the pieces as they will not do anything but send emails saying what needs to be done). My sister's attitude is she live far away. (well, we can fix that and move away too).

Why not give your other relatives sizes and ask them to order clothes for your MIL? You can bring the clothes to her when you visit. Folks in nursing homes don't need a lot of stuff (no room for it) but they do need clean, comfy clothes and shoes.

Your own parents being married but separated with your dad's health declining and your mom controlling all the money is a bad situation. I have no suggestions for that, sorry that your mom is making this so difficult for you though.