Requests from a Sibing who is there for Elderly Parents

[Anonymous]

I don't speak for everyone. This is actually just a personal vent since I have tried to communicate this very message in my own family and it fell of deaf ears.

1.) If you aren't there helping, then don't give unsolicited advice. If you feel the burning desire to give advice, ask if you can give it choose your words carefully and watch your tone. Do not talk down to the caregiving sibling. Show respect and appreciation.

2.) Do not assume you know the situation better than the person who is actually there.

3.) Do not expect a standing ovation when you come into town now and then to say "hello" to the elderly parents. Offer to actually do something for them that gives others a break.

4.) Saying things like "wow, you seem stressed out!" or "You look sooooooo tired" isn't helpful. Are you really that surprised to find someone stressed and fatigued in this role? Instead be gracious, show appreciation and make concrete offers to be helpful if you can. If you cannot offer help, then simply be pleasant.

5.) Do not stir up drama. Do not make this about you.


If you have anything to add feel free to. I fully expect people to call me some kind of martyr feeling sorry for myself. Just want to clarify. I am trying to manage a challenging situation when I have a family of my own, work, etc. If the stress does me in I am of no help to anyone. These are things that would make life easier for me personally. Since my own siblings won't listen, I figured I'd launch this into cyberspace both for the comfort of venting and in the hopes that maybe it helps someone else.
6.) Don't make assumptions. Sometimes out of guilt for not being there people actually create problems. I don't resent the fact I am the primary helper. I do resent when family members cause problems and treat me like the hired help. Respect boundaries. I am not on your payroll and you cannot just give me orders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I don't speak for everyone. This is actually just a personal vent since I have tried to communicate this very message in my own family and it fell of deaf ears.

1.) If you aren't there helping, then don't give unsolicited advice. If you feel the burning desire to give advice, ask if you can give it choose your words carefully and watch your tone. Do not talk down to the caregiving sibling. Show respect and appreciation.

2.) Do not assume you know the situation better than the person who is actually there.

3.) Do not expect a standing ovation when you come into town now and then to say "hello" to the elderly parents. Offer to actually do something for them that gives others a break.

4.) Saying things like "wow, you seem stressed out!" or "You look sooooooo tired" isn't helpful. Are you really that surprised to find someone stressed and fatigued in this role? Instead be gracious, show appreciation and make concrete offers to be helpful if you can. If you cannot offer help, then simply be pleasant.

5.) Do not stir up drama. Do not make this about you.

6.) Don't make assumptions. Sometimes out of guilt for not being there people actually create problems. I don't resent the fact I am the primary helper. I do resent when family members cause problems and treat me like the hired help. Respect boundaries. I am not on your payroll and you cannot just give me orders.



If you have anything to add feel free to. I fully expect people to call me some kind of martyr feeling sorry for myself. Just want to clarify. I am trying to manage a challenging situation when I have a family of my own, work, etc. If the stress does me in I am of no help to anyone. These are things that would make life easier for me personally. Since my own siblings won't listen, I figured I'd launch this into cyberspace both for the comfort of venting and in the hopes that maybe it helps someone else.

[Anonymous]

I'm in the same situation and totally agree with 6. My sister kept insisting I do stuff like print out and show emails she was sending about cute stuff about the kids, etc. No. Come
Visit to show him yourself or send it in the mail. Do not add to my workload.

[Anonymous]

When was the last time you had a vacation, Op?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in the same situation and totally agree with 6. My sister kept insisting I do stuff like print out and show emails she was sending about cute stuff about the kids, etc. No. Come
Visit to show him yourself or send it in the mail. Do not add to my workload.

OP here. OMG mine does this too. I said order some actual photos and send them with a letter. And...she said that was too much work!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When was the last time you had a vacation, Op?

OP here. I had one with my family over the summer. I know the importance of taking care of myself so I can be there for others and not burnout. I just think sometimes people don't realize how much stress they can add doing what they perhaps think is helpful. (Really..does anyone ever want unsolicited advice in any situation though?) I also think caring for elderly parents can bring back to the surface unpleasant family dynamics that had been stagnant.

[Anonymous]

Wow, sorry, OP. Your siblings sound annoying and clueless. What kinds of orders do they try to give you? Do you remindcthrm you’re not a hired aide?

Siblings who expect someone else to do the work of printing stuff out are just assholes.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP. Yet you also need to remember that your siblings have a right to be informed and have a say in major care decisions too. It's not all "unsolicited advice." It sounds like you need better communication channels, and yes, to stop being a martyr.

[Anonymous]

Op - - speak a sentence or two of this to your siblings, at moments, if needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, sorry, OP. Your siblings sound annoying and clueless. What kinds of orders do they try to give you? Do you remindcthrm you’re not a hired aide?

Siblings who expect someone else to do the work of printing stuff out are just assholes.

Ugh, just show Mom the pictures on your phone when you see her next. If Mom wants one of them printed, let the sibling know that Mom got a kick out of the picture of the baby blowing bubbles (or whatever) and Mom would love it if sibling could print the picture out and mail it her.

I can see why the sibling wouldn't want to print out every single picture they take.

[Anonymous]

I'm in a similar situation as you. I'm with you. It sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, sorry, OP. Your siblings sound annoying and clueless. What kinds of orders do they try to give you? Do you remindcthrm you’re not a hired aide?

Siblings who expect someone else to do the work of printing stuff out are just assholes.

Ugh, just show Mom the pictures on your phone when you see her next. If Mom wants one of them printed, let the sibling know that Mom got a kick out of the picture of the baby blowing bubbles (or whatever) and Mom would love it if sibling could print the picture out and mail it her.

I can see why the sibling wouldn't want to print out every single picture they take.

yES, BECAUSE elderly folks love trying to see photos on phones. If you want your parents to see photos, print out some nice big copies and send them or pay someone to do your part with the parents and have that person print them out.

[Anonymous]

Op, why/how did tou sign up for this? Money? Would you say if it was about money (probably not)? I know someone in this situation, they abused the parent and stole everything the parent/family had, for terrible reasons - not least of which, she felt "owed". Not saying this is you, but it happens. Not everyone who takes a parent in has good intentions - some are truly awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP. Yet you also need to remember that your siblings have a right to be informed and have a say in major care decisions too. It's not all "unsolicited advice." It sounds like you need better communication channels, and yes, to stop being a martyr.

I think it has to do with how a person communicates with the sibling who is doing the heavy lifting. If you aren't there, you need to listen to the information before jumping to conclusions and giving advice.

I think people need to be careful too. If you think you know so much better than the person actually there and yopu cannot treat that person with respect, then you also need to be prepared to step up to the plate and either move the parent near or in with you or take a leave of absense and come see what is really going on. Also, if the caregiver loses it, you will have no choice but to do more than your share.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, why/how did tou sign up for this? Money? Would you say if it was about money (probably not)? I know someone in this situation, they abused the parent and stole everything the parent/family had, for terrible reasons - not least of which, she felt "owed". Not saying this is you, but it happens. Not everyone who takes a parent in has good intentions - some are truly awful.

If you truly suspect someone isw doing this, then you step up to the plate and take care of your parent. Move the parent in with you.