Need advice - I have zero attraction to DH and avoid sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's changed that you aren't attracted to him anymore?

I guess when we were single and in our early to mid thirties I was down for whatever and not busy cooking cleaning and taking care of DD. Back then DH was my focus but now I'm all consumed with 100% of the household, yard, maintenance, and childcare duties except one preschool drop off a week. I don't even think about sex. I'm utterly exhausted. We have no family in the area either.

Think you're repulsed at your situation. Who is taking care of you? You are running around ragged.

Yeah, if my husband was working 70 hours a week, and I was handling all the housework, yardwork, and childcare, I wouldn't be interested in sex, either. And if my husband never had time to help out with any of this stuff, but was constantly groping me, I'd be feeling repulsed and resentful, too. And if I told him that I didn't like being grabbed and groped, and he kept doing it anyway, I would really be pissed off. Because that comes across as him caring only about what he wants, and not what you would enjoy. It feels like he wants sex, but doesn't actually care about you.

OP, you have got to get a break. Hire a cleaning service. Hire a handyman. Hire a lawn service. Hire a babysitter so you can go to the gym. Whatever you need to do to give yourself some regular downtime. And then, talk to your husband and tell him that he's attractive and you love him, but you are totally exhausted and resentful and something has to change.

[Anonymous]

neuter him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's changed that you aren't attracted to him anymore?

I guess when we were single and in our early to mid thirties I was down for whatever and not busy cooking cleaning and taking care of DD. Back then DH was my focus but now I'm all consumed with 100% of the household, yard, maintenance, and childcare duties except one preschool drop off a week. I don't even think about sex. I'm utterly exhausted. We have no family in the area either.

Think you're repulsed at your situation. Who is taking care of you? You are running around ragged.

Yeah, if my husband was working 70 hours a week, and I was handling all the housework, yardwork, and childcare, I wouldn't be interested in sex, either. And if my husband never had time to help out with any of this stuff, but was constantly groping me, I'd be feeling repulsed and resentful, too. And if I told him that I didn't like being grabbed and groped, and he kept doing it anyway, I would really be pissed off. Because that comes across as him caring only about what he wants, and not what you would enjoy. It feels like he wants sex, but doesn't actually care about you.

OP, you have got to get a break. Hire a cleaning service. Hire a handyman. Hire a lawn service. Hire a babysitter so you can go to the gym. Whatever you need to do to give yourself some regular downtime. And then, talk to your husband and tell him that he's attractive and you love him, but you are totally exhausted and resentful and something has to change.

I agree. Would she then be attracted to him? Or does OP know no matter what she wouldn't.

No matter what she does need more free time, probably both of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's changed that you aren't attracted to him anymore?

I guess when we were single and in our early to mid thirties I was down for whatever and not busy cooking cleaning and taking care of DD. Back then DH was my focus but now I'm all consumed with 100% of the household, yard, maintenance, and childcare duties except one preschool drop off a week. I don't even think about sex. I'm utterly exhausted. We have no family in the area either.

But you are actively repulsed by him. That's different than just being tired. Are you resentful about something with him?

Oh that's interesting. I never thought of the repulsion having nothing to do with being tired. I think I'm resentful about his nasty game skills, like how he's socially awkward and I'm never safe from his unwanted advances at inappropriate times and involving forcefulness. If he was never grabbing and pulling and force kissing me I don't know maybe he wouldn't repulse me.

Disgusting. I can't blame you, that would be a total turn off. Try and explain it and you're not interested unless it's both of you and when you're both having your "downtime".

That's not 'disgusting'- geez, too many people are frigid once they marry?

Ha, same way guys stop opening the door, helping out, stuff like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is interesting because a year or so ago I posted asking women about how they felt being groped and pawed at by their DHs, and specifically used the example of this occurring at the sink while DW is doing dishes. Many women replied that they loved it and would drop what they are doing and get it on right then and there. The bottom line with OP's situation is that she has lost sexual desire and while DH's approach might not be the best, I don't think they would be having more sex if he stopped the aggressive advances and tried a different technique. OP is able to avoid accountability for her loss of desire by blaming DH's approach.

Exactly, it's not disgusting. This is not a drunk stranger at a bar, but your hot husband desiring you. I love when my husband does this.

Have you had a health checkup lately? Does premature ovarian failure run in your family?
Do you have regular periods? How is your thyroid functioning?

Bahahah! You sound like Dr. Phil, it's always the woman's fault if she doesn't want sex. They have pills on the market that will mess up a woman's health, but as long as the guys D is happy it's not important. What b.s.

Her DH doesn't like nor is he adept in home skills. Maybe he needs shock therapy, or hours listening to Home Show.
Maybe DH has testosterone problems, and needs Mr P checked out.

Was he always this way? If yes, no excuses. I doubt he married a woman who wouldn't have sex regularly. BAIT N SWITCH!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is interesting because a year or so ago I posted asking women about how they felt being groped and pawed at by their DHs, and specifically used the example of this occurring at the sink while DW is doing dishes. Many women replied that they loved it and would drop what they are doing and get it on right then and there. The bottom line with OP's situation is that she has lost sexual desire and while DH's approach might not be the best, I don't think they would be having more sex if he stopped the aggressive advances and tried a different technique. OP is able to avoid accountability for her loss of desire by blaming DH's approach.

Exactly, it's not disgusting. This is not a drunk stranger at a bar, but your hot husband desiring you. I love when my husband does this.

Have you had a health checkup lately? Does premature ovarian failure run in your family?
Do you have regular periods? How is your thyroid functioning?

You love it. But she doesn't. She's angry at her DH and no chemical adjustment is going to fix that until they talk things out. I'm nowhere near menopause, and understand exactly what OP is going through. It is emotional, expressed physically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP, you have got to get a break. Hire a cleaning service. Hire a handyman. Hire a lawn service. Hire a babysitter so you can go to the gym. Whatever you need to do to give yourself some regular downtime. And then, talk to your husband and tell him that he's attractive and you love him, but you are totally exhausted and resentful and something has to change.

Why would she tell him she's exhausted *after* she's hired all these people to reduce her workload? After all this hiring, she should be rested and ready to sex him up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is interesting because a year or so ago I posted asking women about how they felt being groped and pawed at by their DHs, and specifically used the example of this occurring at the sink while DW is doing dishes. Many women replied that they loved it and would drop what they are doing and get it on right then and there. The bottom line with OP's situation is that she has lost sexual desire and while DH's approach might not be the best, I don't think they would be having more sex if he stopped the aggressive advances and tried a different technique. OP is able to avoid accountability for her loss of desire by blaming DH's approach.

Exactly, it's not disgusting. This is not a drunk stranger at a bar, but your hot husband desiring you. I love when my husband does this.

Have you had a health checkup lately? Does premature ovarian failure run in your family?
Do you have regular periods? How is your thyroid functioning?

You love it. But she doesn't. She's angry at her DH and no chemical adjustment is going to fix that until they talk things out. I'm nowhere near menopause, and understand exactly what OP is going through. It is emotional, expressed physically.

You say that but she didn't. She should speak for herself.
Having no sex drive at all is not normal at all, tired or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you are a lousy wife.

+100

[Anonymous]

Women like this (and alot of dcum) do not deserve to be in relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you are a lousy wife.

+100

That's not what he said today. Quite the opposite and it was not elicited. He knows things are rough. I didn't intend to make this one of the "hot" threads lol. But again I appreciate the feedback, taking it all in. I need to simplify, delegate, have more date nites, find the spark, he needs to stop groping at weird times. Force kissing. .

[Anonymous]

Tell him in no uncertain terms that his actions are making you feel like a piece of meat & that they are turning you OFF to sex completely.

Stress that you don't enjoy being grabbed and rubbed on at any given moment.

You need to feel emotionally desired as well as physically desired.

[Anonymous]

It's reasonable for you to be clear/direct with him about what you DON'T like.

But to be fair, you must also give him some direction about what you DO like.

So OP: what DO you like? Seriously. What get's you turned on? Interested in sex?
If you really don't know, then I would say YOU have a serious problem, beyond just a grabby husband.

Also, why is he working 70 hrs/week? Did you both discuss that? If he's spending that much time at work, part of the deal must be hiring out everything possible, like others have suggested (lawn care, PeaPod, cleaning service, laundry, etc).

I'd bet HE feels tired too, working 70 hrs/week, but it is interesting how he still has a strong sex drive, while you want to avoid sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell him in no uncertain terms that his actions are making you feel like a piece of meat & that they are turning you OFF to sex completely.

Stress that you don't enjoy being grabbed and rubbed on at any given moment.

You need to feel emotionally desired as well as physically desired.

If my wife told me that, the not wanting to be rubbed or grabbed would be clear enough. But I'd have a hard time figuring out exactly what "feeling emotionally desired" means. I mean, I generally can understand the concept, but it's so squishy and vague, I'd have no way of knowing when her lack of that feeling was because of things I was or wasn't doing versus when it was just some arbitrary decision or lack of effort on her part. Those are goal posts that are pretty easy to move, and it's a concept that's pretty susceptible to being used as a pretext.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is interesting because a year or so ago I posted asking women about how they felt being groped and pawed at by their DHs, and specifically used the example of this occurring at the sink while DW is doing dishes. Many women replied that they loved it and would drop what they are doing and get it on right then and there. The bottom line with OP's situation is that she has lost sexual desire and while DH's approach might not be the best, I don't think they would be having more sex if he stopped the aggressive advances and tried a different technique. OP is able to avoid accountability for her loss of desire by blaming DH's approach.

Exactly, it's not disgusting. This is not a drunk stranger at a bar, but your hot husband desiring you. I love when my husband does this.

Have you had a health checkup lately? Does premature ovarian failure run in your family?
Do you have regular periods? How is your thyroid functioning?

You love it. But she doesn't. She's angry at her DH and no chemical adjustment is going to fix that until they talk things out. I'm nowhere near menopause, and understand exactly what OP is going through. It is emotional, expressed physically.

You say that but she didn't. She should speak for herself.
Having no sex drive at all is not normal at all, tired or not.

She doesn't have a sex drive for her husband.