Need advice - I have zero attraction to DH and avoid sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
There are good lawyers for men in this area, and if he's been faithful and a good father he'll get good custody terms. It's not worth it being married to some miserable slag the rest of your life if she makes you miserable too. He should seek therapy first with a couples therapist and if nothing changes he should leave you.

Have him post here and I'll send the contact of the good divorce lawyers they are great for fathers. Two of which are women and are very good

I don't think you understand how this works. The most favorable custody terms are still worse than 100%, uninterrupted contact with your children. The best financial divorce terms still leave you with one income instead of two. It's not the matter of good vs. bad divorce. It's a simple realization that divorce has bad consequences that cannot be mitigated; they are just bad and will remain bad. Perhaps he doesn't hate living with her as much as you think he does. You may think he's miserable, but he doesn't think that he is.

Which is why therapy comes first. Life isn't all about income - and staying together for that makes you sad. I understand the factor with children, I really do. I have two myself. Lucky for me my wife is a treasure in every sense of the word. We're both dominate type A personalities and compliment each other very well. We adore our kids, but it causes more disfcuntion for your children to see two unhappy parents. I see these couples a lot. Kids are fucked up bad and what's worse, you have a daughter she'll think it's both acceptable to be treated horribly and act horribly to her husband when it's not. Children see it and they're very observant. I wished my parents had divorced instead I saw constant fighting and arguments. He was always gone and wanted to be anywhere but home. He was good with us, and never laid a hand on us and was very supportive.

That was worse for me and I wouldn't get married until my mid mid-thirties because I thought that's what it was supposed to be. It's not.

You should marry someone you love. You don't marry people you can live with, you marry someone you can't live without.
If he's miserable; look at the ultimatum he delivered. He's at his wits end and has stated two plausible solutions. She chose two. Good and it's time for him to get his ducks in a row and move. It will be devastating at first, but as devastating as benign with someone who doesn't love you like a husband or wife should. He'll be happier when he finds a new partner that will love him and sleep with him.

There isn't anyone you can't live without. There just isn't. Everyone important in your life can drop dead today, and believe me, you will keep drawing your breath. Stop saying silly dramatic things that mean nothing.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read 14 pages of replies, but here is my take:

1) you need to be blunt with DH - "this turns me off" - he isn't good at reading cues. He probably also thinks being aggressive = what it takes to get you to respond. There are lots of married men sex books that tell men the problem is not being aggressive enough. He may be reading those.

2) You need to tell him when you would be approachable for sex on a decent frequency. For example, Saturday nights after a movie, or Sunday mornings. Then, when he follows through, be an active participant, i.e. creating a positive feedback loop.

3) If he needs help in the skills department, tell him what you want, be gentle but direct and what doesn't work.

Good luck. It sounds like your marriage is pretty deep in the weeds.