Need advice - I have zero attraction to DH and avoid sex

[Anonymous]

This is interesting because a year or so ago I posted asking women about how they felt being groped and pawed at by their DHs, and specifically used the example of this occurring at the sink while DW is doing dishes. Many women replied that they loved it and would drop what they are doing and get it on right then and there. The bottom line with OP's situation is that she has lost sexual desire and while DH's approach might not be the best, I don't think they would be having more sex if he stopped the aggressive advances and tried a different technique. OP is able to avoid accountability for her loss of desire by blaming DH's approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you talk to I'm about this? Tell him that the way he is acting is turning you off. I get what you're saying, op. I go through periods like that where I get turned off my DH being to handsy. Particularly when my DCs are being needy and touching me all the time. I don't need another needy person, and an adult at that!

I told him last nite but feel terrible. How did you become not unattracted anymore? I guess that's the part I'd have to work on but I have no clue how.

I would never tell him you're not attracted to him, but only the behavior he's doing. The force kissing, the grabbing has to stop. You won't be attracted to him unless he stops with the turnoff behavior.

[Anonymous]

Not to be flippant, but it could be a phase.

I went through this probably a year or so after my second was born. I actually got physically sick once when he was on top of me. We went almost three months without having sex.

But now, about six years later plus another kid, we are back to what we were. We have an extremely healthy sex life and I think he is the most attractive man in the room wherever we go.

[Anonymous]

Op again - I should add DH works about 70 hours a week. Sometimes 7 days a week. So I think his lack of ownership over any household duties is a combination of his long hours, plus growing up in a home where daddy was always on the road and his stay at home mommy did all the cooking cleaning etc and hired people to do the mans type of work. DH doesn't even know what a flat head s reward driver is.

Unfortunately, I just don't see DH being able to be much help around the house. He's sort of inept like I have to micromanage everything I asked him to wash towels yesterday he doesn't even know how to set tge,washer we've had it for 3 years I've told him many times. It's like 5 questions and answers till I jump up and just turn it on myself.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP.

I am sorry. I've been in the same boat. I was repulsed and disgusted by everything about DH. Him touching me physically caused me pain. It was resentment, anger, and hurt causing it. Seriously. You have to do some work first on yourself to figure out exactly what the problem is. Reading your comments I am seeing a lot of resentment due to the fact that you feel you are solo parenting, solo-housekeeping, and having to manage your husband's contributions to the house because he doesn't know what to do (or can't do it right/to your standards). There might be other things you aren't sharing here. Probably. It usually isn't just one-dimensional.

You feel unappreciated. Maybe you actually are unappreciated. Maybe he just doesn't know how to show you. You don't go on dates anymore. No husband/wife alone time. Except when he's touching you, grabbing you, which is repulsive to you, and that sucks.

Plus, you ARE are putting everything else in front of your relationship with your husband. You listed a TON of things you are doing for the house and family, and nothing you are doing with or for your husband. It cannot last. Your relationship can't sustain that neglect (but, your house can).

You need to get some help. Both physical and emotional. Physical help to take care of the house and child. Outsource. Pay for somebody to do your laundry or tidying up or whatever. And then the emotional help you need to see a therapist and work out your issues. Together or alone.

Also, read some marriage books/blogs/advice. Lots of good stuff out there. Marriagebuilders, 5 love languages, etc. etc. Google & Amazon are your friend.

But if you continue on this path ... You'll either have an affair (or he will, or you both will) or you'll divorce.

[Anonymous]

You knew how he was before you married him. You married him anyway and had a child with him. I'm thinking you actually hate him. Do him the favor of letting him go so that he can find someone else that truly loves him and appreciates his advances. When you are at the point of feeling repulsed by his presence, no amount of therapy can change your mind. The marriage is over.

[Anonymous]

I see. Now that you've got the kid you want nothing to do with him. Do you think you might have subconsciously used him as a sperm donor?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Hi OP.

I am sorry. I've been in the same boat. I was repulsed and disgusted by everything about DH. Him touching me physically caused me pain. It was resentment, anger, and hurt causing it. Seriously. You have to do some work first on yourself to figure out exactly what the problem is. Reading your comments I am seeing a lot of resentment due to the fact that you feel you are solo parenting, solo-housekeeping, and having to manage your husband's contributions to the house because he doesn't know what to do (or can't do it right/to your standards). There might be other things you aren't sharing here. Probably. It usually isn't just one-dimensional.

You feel unappreciated. Maybe you actually are unappreciated. Maybe he just doesn't know how to show you. You don't go on dates anymore. No husband/wife alone time. Except when he's touching you, grabbing you, which is repulsive to you, and that sucks.

Plus, you ARE are putting everything else in front of your relationship with your husband. You listed a TON of things you are doing for the house and family, and nothing you are doing with or for your husband. It cannot last. Your relationship can't sustain that neglect (but, your house can).

You need to get some help. Both physical and emotional. Physical help to take care of the house and child. Outsource. Pay for somebody to do your laundry or tidying up or whatever. And then the emotional help you need to see a therapist and work out your issues. Together or alone.

Also, read some marriage books/blogs/advice. Lots of good stuff out there. Marriagebuilders, 5 love languages, etc. etc. Google & Amazon are your friend.

But if you continue on this path ... You'll either have an affair (or he will, or you both will) or you'll divorce.

+1

Its hard to f*** someone you resent. You need to go to counseling and invest some time in your relationship. I know it sucks to hear that since you will need to add that to the list of things to do. And you probably will need to be the one who initiates it. Unfortunately and fortunately, this is part of marriage. There will be times when you need to carry the whole family on your back. There will be times when he will need to do so. The more you can strive for some sort of balance, the more tolerable the journey.

Another thing to keep in mind, if your husband truly is a "do nothing" in the way you describe, he may be going through something internally himself as well. There is probably an issue with depression or low feelings of self worth. I say this as someone who has been the DH in this situation, and has seen my DW do everything while I sat back. This isn't something you can force him to address or even explore, but it probably become unearthed during marriage counseling.

[Anonymous]

Look you should divorce. Do it quickly. It's not fair to him or your child to see the resent and hate you have for your husband.

[Anonymous]

OP so you are happy married but for your husband?

[Anonymous]

Outsource more. Make sex the priority. Not cooking and the yard. Or you'll end up divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I've told him but nothing changes

This is a problem, Maybe you need to spell it out more clearly. He also probably doesn't know that you are repulsed by his behavior. Find a time to talk, then tell him:My desire for sexual intimacy has plummeted. There is a lot we can do to change this situation. First, I feel like I am at everyone's beck and call all day--work and then our child, so when you approach me the way you do, it feels like another demand. This is what I would like (and then spell it out).

Having been in similar situation, this is what I told my husband: its hard for me to switch gears from work/mom demands to couple time, instead it just feels like another demand. So, at the end of the day, it would be great if you could sometimes just take over the rest of the tasks (dishes) while I take a bath and have a glass of wine (or whatever). Then we spend some time talking and reconnecting as a couple.

When we have done this it often, but not always leads to sex. Its not exactly "i did the dishes, now I get sex" mentality, its "this is what we need to do as a couple to reconnect and generate intimacy, and get on the same page" which is healthy for our sex life but also emotional life.

also, I got from your post that you do (or feel like you do) nearly 100% of the child and household care. That would be a deal killer and desire killer for me.

This exactly!! No woman wants a needy, demanding man-child, which is what this comes off as.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is interesting because a year or so ago I posted asking women about how they felt being groped and pawed at by their DHs, and specifically used the example of this occurring at the sink while DW is doing dishes. Many women replied that they loved it and would drop what they are doing and get it on right then and there. The bottom line with OP's situation is that she has lost sexual desire and while DH's approach might not be the best, I don't think they would be having more sex if he stopped the aggressive advances and tried a different technique. OP is able to avoid accountability for her loss of desire by blaming DH's approach.

This is interesting because I would find it highly irritating if DH did this.

- not OP

[Anonymous]

If OP is major breadwinner then what type of job does he have that requires 70 hours a week? I get why OP would be resentful if she has to make the bulk of the money AND do most of the household mgmt. And it is the simmering resentment that is generating her reaction.

[Anonymous]

What is obvious is this - OP won't have sex with her husband because she resents him because he doesn't do enough (in her mind) and his approaches to sex disgust her. I can assure OP that her refusal of sex is causing her husband to become more disconnected to her and have less impetus to do things to make her life easier.

Usually, women who write in that they lost desire for their husbands preface with "he is great in every way, I love him, we parent great together, but I have zero libido." Not here. OP has some real contempt for him.

Plus one to the honest conversation (leaving out the part that he repulses you). You need to untangle this mess soon before the affairs and/or divorce starts. This marriage looks doomed from here.