Need advice - I have zero attraction to DH and avoid sex

[Anonymous]

I'm a 40 yr old fed lawyer with one 4 yr old DD. DH works very long hours and weekends. I never want to have sex. I'm repulsed by DH. I cannot stand how as soon as DD is asleep, no, before she's in bed he's like ok when she's asleep we can do it right. . .I'm not safe anywhere I can be cooking and he's coming at me full staff pulling my arm force kissing me. Or doing the same when I'm doing laundry, cleaning, whatever. It's always grabbing me, rubbing my butt like a damn genie lamp, grabbing the back of my neck and force kissing me. He basically doesn't get nonverbal cues AT ALL and is inappropriate. It skeeves me out. I'm just repulsed and don't know what to do. I've told him but nothing changes. He's a nice guy and good looking. Wwyd? Is there a book he can read??

[Anonymous]

What's changed that you aren't attracted to him anymore?

[Anonymous]

Can you talk to I'm about this? Tell him that the way he is acting is turning you off. I get what you're saying, op. I go through periods like that where I get turned off my DH being to handsy. Particularly when my DCs are being needy and touching me all the time. I don't need another needy person, and an adult at that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's changed that you aren't attracted to him anymore?

I guess when we were single and in our early to mid thirties I was down for whatever and not busy cooking cleaning and taking care of DD. Back then DH was my focus but now I'm all consumed with 100% of the household, yard, maintenance, and childcare duties except one preschool drop off a week. I don't even think about sex. I'm utterly exhausted. We have no family in the area either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you talk to I'm about this? Tell him that the way he is acting is turning you off. I get what you're saying, op. I go through periods like that where I get turned off my DH being to handsy. Particularly when my DCs are being needy and touching me all the time. I don't need another needy person, and an adult at that!

I told him last nite but feel terrible. How did you become not unattracted anymore? I guess that's the part I'd have to work on but I have no clue how.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's changed that you aren't attracted to him anymore?

I guess when we were single and in our early to mid thirties I was down for whatever and not busy cooking cleaning and taking care of DD. Back then DH was my focus but now I'm all consumed with 100% of the household, yard, maintenance, and childcare duties except one preschool drop off a week. I don't even think about sex. I'm utterly exhausted. We have no family in the area either.

But you are actively repulsed by him. That's different than just being tired. Are you resentful about something with him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you talk to I'm about this? Tell him that the way he is acting is turning you off. I get what you're saying, op. I go through periods like that where I get turned off my DH being to handsy. Particularly when my DCs are being needy and touching me all the time. I don't need another needy person, and an adult at that!

I told him last nite but feel terrible. How did you become not unattracted anymore? I guess that's the part I'd have to work on but I have no clue how.

This gets solved by communicating to him about how you feel about things in general. After a day full of doing things for other people, his demand feels like he's asking for yet another thing. He needs to woo you again. Date night, talking, flowers etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's changed that you aren't attracted to him anymore?

I guess when we were single and in our early to mid thirties I was down for whatever and not busy cooking cleaning and taking care of DD. Back then DH was my focus but now I'm all consumed with 100% of the household, yard, maintenance, and childcare duties except one preschool drop off a week. I don't even think about sex. I'm utterly exhausted. We have no family in the area either.

But you are actively repulsed by him. That's different than just being tired. Are you resentful about something with him?

Oh that's interesting. I never thought of the repulsion having nothing to do with being tired. I think I'm resentful about his nasty game skills, like how he's socially awkward and I'm never safe from his unwanted advances at inappropriate times and involving forcefulness. If he was never grabbing and pulling and force kissing me I don't know maybe he wouldn't repulse me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's changed that you aren't attracted to him anymore?

I guess when we were single and in our early to mid thirties I was down for whatever and not busy cooking cleaning and taking care of DD. Back then DH was my focus but now I'm all consumed with 100% of the household, yard, maintenance, and childcare duties except one preschool drop off a week. I don't even think about sex. I'm utterly exhausted. We have no family in the area either.

But you are actively repulsed by him. That's different than just being tired. Are you resentful about something with him?

Oh that's interesting. I never thought of the repulsion having nothing to do with being tired. I think I'm resentful about his nasty game skills, like how he's socially awkward and I'm never safe from his unwanted advances at inappropriate times and involving forcefulness. If he was never grabbing and pulling and force kissing me I don't know maybe he wouldn't repulse me.

Now that you have identified it, you can talk about it with him. Go out on a date and talk about your relationship. A lot of guys really don't understand how sex is so psychological for women - you need to communicate that to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's changed that you aren't attracted to him anymore?

I guess when we were single and in our early to mid thirties I was down for whatever and not busy cooking cleaning and taking care of DD. Back then DH was my focus but now I'm all consumed with 100% of the household, yard, maintenance, and childcare duties except one preschool drop off a week. I don't even think about sex. I'm utterly exhausted. We have no family in the area either.

But you are actively repulsed by him. That's different than just being tired. Are you resentful about something with him?

Oh that's interesting. I never thought of the repulsion having nothing to do with being tired. I think I'm resentful about his nasty game skills, like how he's socially awkward and I'm never safe from his unwanted advances at inappropriate times and involving forcefulness. If he was never grabbing and pulling and force kissing me I don't know maybe he wouldn't repulse me.

He probably thinks that what he's doing is "being affectionate." Is there a way you'd rather be approached? Talk to him about that.

As for the overwhelmed issue, that is a common problem for which there are many solutions. Think of some ways to lighten the load and talk to him about how best to make those things happen.

[Anonymous]

You need to spell it out for him. "Do. Not. Grab. Me." And every time he does it, firmly tell him in the same exact words. Like a puppy.

My DH used to do this-- even come up behind me in the kitchen when I was at the stove or using a knife. This is what I had to do-- it was either that or drop a frying pan on his foot.

[Anonymous]

Has he always been grabby?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you are a lousy wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's changed that you aren't attracted to him anymore?

I guess when we were single and in our early to mid thirties I was down for whatever and not busy cooking cleaning and taking care of DD. Back then DH was my focus but now I'm all consumed with 100% of the household, yard, maintenance, and childcare duties except one preschool drop off a week. I don't even think about sex. I'm utterly exhausted. We have no family in the area either.

But you are actively repulsed by him. That's different than just being tired. Are you resentful about something with him?

Oh that's interesting. I never thought of the repulsion having nothing to do with being tired. I think I'm resentful about his nasty game skills, like how he's socially awkward and I'm never safe from his unwanted advances at inappropriate times and involving forcefulness. If he was never grabbing and pulling and force kissing me I don't know maybe he wouldn't repulse me.

Disgusting. I can't blame you, that would be a total turn off. Try and explain it and you're not interested unless it's both of you and when you're both having your "downtime".

[Anonymous]

I've told him but nothing changes

This is a problem, Maybe you need to spell it out more clearly. He also probably doesn't know that you are repulsed by his behavior. Find a time to talk, then tell him:My desire for sexual intimacy has plummeted. There is a lot we can do to change this situation. First, I feel like I am at everyone's beck and call all day--work and then our child, so when you approach me the way you do, it feels like another demand. This is what I would like (and then spell it out).

Having been in similar situation, this is what I told my husband: its hard for me to switch gears from work/mom demands to couple time, instead it just feels like another demand. So, at the end of the day, it would be great if you could sometimes just take over the rest of the tasks (dishes) while I take a bath and have a glass of wine (or whatever). Then we spend some time talking and reconnecting as a couple.

When we have done this it often, but not always leads to sex. Its not exactly "i did the dishes, now I get sex" mentality, its "this is what we need to do as a couple to reconnect and generate intimacy, and get on the same page" which is healthy for our sex life but also emotional life.

also, I got from your post that you do (or feel like you do) nearly 100% of the child and household care. That would be a deal killer and desire killer for me.