Harmless, but annoying "stalking"? At what point should I take action?

[Anonymous]

OP here.

Wow...thank you so much to everyone. There is a lot to read.

1. I am actually a little stunned that everyone feels it is so much of a threat. I was wondering if I was taking this too seriously. He DOES live pretty far away (about 1000 miles) so I've felt fairly confident I would not have to come in contact with him in person, except at the race last month. The fact that all of you are taking this more seriously makes me wonder if Im in denial and should take it more seriously.

2. Some posters have said this sounds familiar, but I did not post about a stalker before.

3. Someone mentioned that I should pretend I have a horrible disease...that would not work with this guy. Several times in his attempts to contact me he has said something along the lines of "Please let me know that you are ok." I think if I gave any impression that I was not "ok" he'd be concerned and the attempts to contact would increase even more.

These were hard responses to read; I didn't think this was as grave a concern as you all think it is, which scares me. Thank you for taking the time to show me that this IS a bigger problem than I realized.

[Anonymous]

I am relieved that you are taking this seriously. I consider the fact that he has found out where your children go to school to be an absolute threat, you must tell your husband the same way you would want to know if some crazy woman he had spoken to had the same information. I would also notify the police asap, they will tell you the right steps to take. Do NOT play any games with him about illnesses, whoever gave you that advice has no idea what they are talking about. The only contact I would have is with his wife to tell her that if her husband contacts you again then you are going to get a restraining order.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Wow...thank you so much to everyone. There is a lot to read.

1. I am actually a little stunned that everyone feels it is so much of a threat. I was wondering if I was taking this too seriously. He DOES live pretty far away (about 1000 miles) so I've felt fairly confident I would not have to come in contact with him in person, except at the race last month. The fact that all of you are taking this more seriously makes me wonder if Im in denial and should take it more seriously.

2. Some posters have said this sounds familiar, but I did not post about a stalker before.

3. Someone mentioned that I should pretend I have a horrible disease...that would not work with this guy. Several times in his attempts to contact me he has said something along the lines of "Please let me know that you are ok." I think if I gave any impression that I was not "ok" he'd be concerned and the attempts to contact would increase even more.

These were hard responses to read; I didn't think this was as grave a concern as you all think it is, which scares me. Thank you for taking the time to show me that this IS a bigger problem than I realized.

I don't think it is, people on her exaggerate big time. Cut all contact, what can he do. As some suggested threaten that you'll fwd to his wife. I think it is over imo and I would not tell your husband. Not worth it.

[Anonymous]

It does help that he's 1,000 miles away, in that he can't drive past your house whenever he feels like it, or worse. But he still has a lot of reach, as you know, thanks to the Internet. And if his wife finds out how intensely he's harassing you, she might (very rightly) give him the heave-ho and destabilize things for him even more, which could mean more trouble for you.

You might want to tell your husband before he does. Who knows how he might exaggerate things. From how you've described your flirtation, it doesn't sound like there's a ton to come clean about (though you're obviously uncomfortable with what you did do).

But above all, your kids are your husband's kids too. He needs to know that this whack job has bookmarked their school and watching their schedule. Not telling your husband is a major breach of his rights as their dad, IMO.

Law enforcement should be your next stop in any case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Wow...thank you so much to everyone. There is a lot to read.

1. I am actually a little stunned that everyone feels it is so much of a threat. I was wondering if I was taking this too seriously. He DOES live pretty far away (about 1000 miles) so I've felt fairly confident I would not have to come in contact with him in person, except at the race last month. The fact that all of you are taking this more seriously makes me wonder if Im in denial and should take it more seriously.

2. Some posters have said this sounds familiar, but I did not post about a stalker before.

3. Someone mentioned that I should pretend I have a horrible disease...that would not work with this guy. Several times in his attempts to contact me he has said something along the lines of "Please let me know that you are ok." I think if I gave any impression that I was not "ok" he'd be concerned and the attempts to contact would increase even more.

These were hard responses to read; I didn't think this was as grave a concern as you all think it is, which scares me. Thank you for taking the time to show me that this IS a bigger problem than I realized.

OP, this man is clearly fixated on you. It's likely that he believes your relationship to be much more extensive than you believe/it actually is. Whether he is actually a safety threat at this time or not is irrelevant. His behavior has already escalated and there is no reason to believe that it will not continue to escalate. You live 1000 miles apart now, but clearly there are reasons for you to be in the same place - since you met in the first place and were going to be at a race together recently. I would be entirely unsurprised if he found reasons to come to your town (DC or wherever you live) as part of his escalation. At that point, he knows where you live, where your kids go to school, etc.

My advice to you:

1. Tell your husband. Even the part about being flirtatious at the race where you met. If he is upset about that, you will have to work it out between you, but leaving it out creates the impression that you're being secretive and having conflict with your husband on top of the stalking is the opposite of what you need.
2. Do not lie to the stalker or make an excuse for why you have not contacted him.
3. Call his wife and tell her about the stalking. I would not engage with the stalker himself at this point, as further contact will only encourage him, but I would call the wife (not text) and tell her that he is repeatedly contacting you and that you are going to inform the police.
4. Send a cease and desist letter via certified mail to his home. Keep the receipt. Bring a copy to the police. They will not do anything, most likely, but a paper trail is always good.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Wow...thank you so much to everyone. There is a lot to read.

1. I am actually a little stunned that everyone feels it is so much of a threat. I was wondering if I was taking this too seriously. He DOES live pretty far away (about 1000 miles) so I've felt fairly confident I would not have to come in contact with him in person, except at the race last month. The fact that all of you are taking this more seriously makes me wonder if Im in denial and should take it more seriously.

2. Some posters have said this sounds familiar, but I did not post about a stalker before.

3. Someone mentioned that I should pretend I have a horrible disease...that would not work with this guy. Several times in his attempts to contact me he has said something along the lines of "Please let me know that you are ok." I think if I gave any impression that I was not "ok" he'd be concerned and the attempts to contact would increase even more.

These were hard responses to read; I didn't think this was as grave a concern as you all think it is, which scares me. Thank you for taking the time to show me that this IS a bigger problem than I realized.

I don't think it is, people on her exaggerate big time. Cut all contact, what can he do. As some suggested threaten that you'll fwd to his wife. I think it is over imo and I would not tell your husband. Not worth it.

And you think it is over...why??? I am so sick to death of people encouraging women to stop being so hysterical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It does help that he's 1,000 miles away, in that he can't drive past your house whenever he feels like it, or worse. But he still has a lot of reach, as you know, thanks to the Internet. And if his wife finds out how intensely he's harassing you, she might (very rightly) give him the heave-ho and destabilize things for him even more, which could mean more trouble for you.

You might want to tell your husband before he does. Who knows how he might exaggerate things. From how you've described your flirtation, it doesn't sound like there's a ton to come clean about (though you're obviously uncomfortable with what you did do).

But above all, your kids are your husband's kids too. He needs to know that this whack job has bookmarked their school and watching their schedule. Not telling your husband is a major breach of his rights as their dad, IMO.

Law enforcement should be your next stop in any case.

This is a really good point. This guy is going to get worse before he stops contacting you (see extinction burst post from PP) and he could very well go to your husband with a story about how you had an affair with him, bla bla bla. Is your husband really going to believe you when you counter with "I didn't have an affair, I just had a platonic flirty relationship with this guy for a long time and kept it completely secret from you"?

[Anonymous]

Lots of very good advice given already, but I have a question for OP -- please define the flirting for us, the content and duration. Because people define flirting in a lot of ways, from just being nice and friendly to outright suggestive behavior. Neither of these warrants this guy's insane behavior -- at all. I'm not victim blaming. But a guy who is full blown obsessed after some chit chat and a few generic running emails seems really unstable, probably in many ways.

I really, really hope you will tell your husband -- no matter the extent of the flirting.

The mention of bookmarking your kids' school is really, really creepy. This is someone trying to find out every possible thing about you. Lots of people do harmless googling -- I'm totally guilty of it -- but outright mentioning of it to you? That's well outside normal nosiness. I agree that he was putting you on notice.

You should be concerned, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Wow...thank you so much to everyone. There is a lot to read.

1. I am actually a little stunned that everyone feels it is so much of a threat. I was wondering if I was taking this too seriously. He DOES live pretty far away (about 1000 miles) so I've felt fairly confident I would not have to come in contact with him in person, except at the race last month. The fact that all of you are taking this more seriously makes me wonder if Im in denial and should take it more seriously.

2. Some posters have said this sounds familiar, but I did not post about a stalker before.

3. Someone mentioned that I should pretend I have a horrible disease...that would not work with this guy. Several times in his attempts to contact me he has said something along the lines of "Please let me know that you are ok." I think if I gave any impression that I was not "ok" he'd be concerned and the attempts to contact would increase even more.

These were hard responses to read; I didn't think this was as grave a concern as you all think it is, which scares me. Thank you for taking the time to show me that this IS a bigger problem than I realized.

1000 miles is nothing. he can jump on a plane and be in front of your kids' school in half a day.

i had a stalker on another continent... 20+ years later he is still trying to contact me though only maybe once a year or once in two years.

[Anonymous]

OP, HAVE YOU TOLD YOUR HUSBAND YET? YOU DID NOT ANSWER ABOUT THIS.

SERIOUSLY, DO IT NOW. THIS IS NOT SAFE. FOR YOU OR YOUR CHILDREN OR HIM.


Also, I'm fairly certain that PP above telling you not to worry IS your stalker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of very good advice given already, but I have a question for OP -- please define the flirting for us, the content and duration. Because people define flirting in a lot of ways, from just being nice and friendly to outright suggestive behavior. Neither of these warrants this guy's insane behavior -- at all. I'm not victim blaming. But a guy who is full blown obsessed after some chit chat and a few generic running emails seems really unstable, probably in many ways.

I really, really hope you will tell your husband -- no matter the extent of the flirting.

The mention of bookmarking your kids' school is really, really creepy. This is someone trying to find out every possible thing about you. Lots of people do harmless googling -- I'm totally guilty of it -- but outright mentioning of it to you? That's well outside normal nosiness. I agree that he was putting you on notice.

You should be concerned, OP.

I think you should be able to judge the insanity of the stalker by the level of engagement you had with him previously. If it was minor flirting then I would be more worried. If sex was involved I would be less concerned. If you only talked to the man a few times and he's acting like this you should be very bet worried.

Also what's the deal regarding the school and the website? Are you positive there isn't another side to the story or that he was joking? Again - not victim blaming but I think the details are very important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Wow...thank you so much to everyone. There is a lot to read.

1. I am actually a little stunned that everyone feels it is so much of a threat. I was wondering if I was taking this too seriously. He DOES live pretty far away (about 1000 miles) so I've felt fairly confident I would not have to come in contact with him in person, except at the race last month. The fact that all of you are taking this more seriously makes me wonder if Im in denial and should take it more seriously.

2. Some posters have said this sounds familiar, but I did not post about a stalker before.

3. Someone mentioned that I should pretend I have a horrible disease...that would not work with this guy. Several times in his attempts to contact me he has said something along the lines of "Please let me know that you are ok." I think if I gave any impression that I was not "ok" he'd be concerned and the attempts to contact would increase even more.

These were hard responses to read; I didn't think this was as grave a concern as you all think it is, which scares me. Thank you for taking the time to show me that this IS a bigger problem than I realized.

I thought you said 100 miles. Not that it changes my response in any way.

[Anonymous]

A lot of people recommend "The Gift of Fear" on threads like this, and are regularly mocked for doing so - presumably from people who have been lucky enough to not have stalkers.

But the fact is that it is an excellent book and a very clear window into the mindset of this kind of guy. People who recommend it aren't doing so because they love to piggyback on someone else's drama; it's because they've suffered at the hands of a creep and found that book to be illuminating, helpful, and above all, right.

I recommend it, OP. It explains very clearly what motivates this guy, what delusions he's carrying around, and how these things can escalate so quickly and horribly from crush -> fixation -> stalking -> terrorizing as a form of revenge and control.

This is not your fault. It was terrible luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Wow...thank you so much to everyone. There is a lot to read.

1. I am actually a little stunned that everyone feels it is so much of a threat. I was wondering if I was taking this too seriously. He DOES live pretty far away (about 1000 miles) so I've felt fairly confident I would not have to come in contact with him in person, except at the race last month. The fact that all of you are taking this more seriously makes me wonder if Im in denial and should take it more seriously.

2. Some posters have said this sounds familiar, but I did not post about a stalker before.

3. Someone mentioned that I should pretend I have a horrible disease...that would not work with this guy. Several times in his attempts to contact me he has said something along the lines of "Please let me know that you are ok." I think if I gave any impression that I was not "ok" he'd be concerned and the attempts to contact would increase even more.

These were hard responses to read; I didn't think this was as grave a concern as you all think it is, which scares me. Thank you for taking the time to show me that this IS a bigger problem than I realized.

I thought you said 100 miles. Not that it changes my response in any way.

No, 1000 miles. I did a mapquest search and my zipcode to his zipcode is 980 miles.

People have asked about the extent of the flirting. Mostly things like he would tell me I'm hot and that he wished we could be together, etc. I would encourage the discussion more by saying things like "Really? What would happen if we were together?" and encourage him to continue on...not to the point of "sexting" or anything even close to that--he seemed to almost write in romance novel style with "passionate kisses" and "look deep into your eyes so I can see your soul" and the like. That's not really my "thing" and I find it creepy. I'm honestly not sure why I encouraged it for a few weeks.
A more honest, less "flirty" response would have been to shut it down immediately with "Thanks, but I'm married" and change the subject.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Wow...thank you so much to everyone. There is a lot to read.

1. I am actually a little stunned that everyone feels it is so much of a threat. I was wondering if I was taking this too seriously. He DOES live pretty far away (about 1000 miles) so I've felt fairly confident I would not have to come in contact with him in person, except at the race last month. The fact that all of you are taking this more seriously makes me wonder if Im in denial and should take it more seriously.

2. Some posters have said this sounds familiar, but I did not post about a stalker before.

3. Someone mentioned that I should pretend I have a horrible disease...that would not work with this guy. Several times in his attempts to contact me he has said something along the lines of "Please let me know that you are ok." I think if I gave any impression that I was not "ok" he'd be concerned and the attempts to contact would increase even more.

These were hard responses to read; I didn't think this was as grave a concern as you all think it is, which scares me. Thank you for taking the time to show me that this IS a bigger problem than I realized.

I thought you said 100 miles. Not that it changes my response in any way.

No, 1000 miles. I did a mapquest search and my zipcode to his zipcode is 980 miles.

People have asked about the extent of the flirting. Mostly things like he would tell me I'm hot and that he wished we could be together, etc. I would encourage the discussion more by saying things like "Really? What would happen if we were together?" and encourage him to continue on...not to the point of "sexting" or anything even close to that--he seemed to almost write in romance novel style with "passionate kisses" and "look deep into your eyes so I can see your soul" and the like. That's not really my "thing" and I find it creepy. I'm honestly not sure why I encouraged it for a few weeks.
A more honest, less "flirty" response would have been to shut it down immediately with "Thanks, but I'm married" and change the subject.

Even if you encouraged it for a few weeks - when you tell someone "no" and "not to contact you again" and they continue to the extent this guy does, its a problem.