Harmless, but annoying "stalking"? At what point should I take action?

[Anonymous]

I just want to add my voice to the chorus of "this is NOT harmless" behavior. I would be terrified, and highly recommend that you NOT contact him for ANY REASON. The last few PPs have given excellent advice- FOLLOW IT.

[Anonymous]

A victim of stalking here...

Things might start out as harmless (you think) but you need to take all precautions. Change phone number ASAP. Get new email address and change ALL passwords. Review settings of all social media accounts and lock them up. Do NOT delete any of your profiles/accounts - just lay low for a while (no postings). Next, big task... Get on all people search websites, search for your (and your spouse and immediate family members) info then request for deletion. Log/document all attempts to contact you. After you change your phone number, do not pick up the phone when the call is unlisted and/or unfamiliar. Also do not leave a personal greeting (your voice) on your VM... Get a security system, preferably one with recording cameras/motion detection.

BTW, I filed a police report and even had the police answering one of the pesky calls. GL

[Anonymous]

Something very similar happened to his very good friend of mine and she was beside herself with worry and anxiety over the situation so someone made the suggestion which worked like a charm - she finally broke the rule and broke her silence only to say that she had been diagnosed with an illness that she did not disclose therefore technically she was not lying and was very very ill and that the harassment was stressing her out for more than she needed… Never heard from him again - at this point that is exactly what I would do

[Anonymous]

21:37 again. I would not recommend you delete your social media accounts. Just delete all photos and stay dormant. The reason you don't want to take them down is to prevent the stalker from creating fake accounts to get close to your friends/connections. I leave my FB active and set it to flag me anytime anyone tries to tag me in a photo. Use them to your advantage.

[Anonymous]

Tell your husband. I don't understand why you haven't told him yet. It's been 5 months, and this guy is still trying to contact you. Tell your husband and work out together what you will do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Something very similar happened to his very good friend of mine and she was beside herself with worry and anxiety over the situation so someone made the suggestion which worked like a charm - she finally broke the rule and broke her silence only to say that she had been diagnosed with an illness that she did not disclose therefore technically she was not lying and was very very ill and that the harassment was stressing her out for more than she needed… Never heard from him again - at this point that is exactly what I would do

I'm happy this worked for your friend but this is terrible advice. You don't know how this particular psycho is going to react to that lie. This is not a rational person we are talking about, it is a stalker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I say go ahead and talk to him. Answer the phone one day and make mention of how you're on your way to pick up your anti-psychotic meds or your HSV-2 prescription...tell him about your pending court date for attempted murder...tell him about the mosquito that bit you while you were in Paraguay and the rash you've had ever since...

Don't forget the chronic diarrhea.

[Anonymous]

NP here and I'm sorry I have not looked at the replies because I'm short on time but making time for this.

I did my law school paper on anti-stalking legislation--partly because I had a similar situation as yours--and in that process learned a lot about this subject, so I'm just going to quickly bottom-line it here.

The short story is you must stop all contact and sorry, I would change your name for publicized races for a while and actually not participate in any race that he knows you'd be at--he'll show up looking for you.

You must say something (do it in writing and keep a copy of the text or email so one can tell what the date was when you sent it--saying you do not want any more contact or communication from him. This "starts the clock" running with respect to harassment or stalking (at least it did when I was in law school). You have proof so it won't become he-said-she-said.

Then you MUST not fall into the trap he will lay, asking you why you don't want contact etc, so where you *communicate* with him all about why you don't want to communicate. You have to say you are stopping contact, and then you MUST follow through and do NOT reply. Make sure you fix your settings so that he can't see that your texts from him have been read. Actually I'd just get another phone and phone number.

Please google "Intermittent reinforcement"--you have probably unwittingly been doing this to him, which is why he's getting more assertive.

Then, please google "extinction burst" which is about his future burst of attempts to engage in the old behavior before giving up. Meaning, after you tell him to stop contact, expect a barrage of attempts. Imagine a person at a vending machine who puts the money in and nothing comes out. They don't just walk away--they always got something before when they put the money in. So they start working the coin return, then escalate to hitting and kicking the machine, and then suddenly--they stop. Extinction burst.

IF he ever threatens you, you must take it seriously. Unlike celebrity stalkers, who tend not to threaten and then just show up one day to take revenge, in situations where people know each other, the threat is correlated to actually attempting it.

I don't like if he knows where you live--and from what I read in your OP, he knows your kids' school. You must alert the school. If he doesn't know where you live, he may try finding you at the school during drop off or pick up. If you can have someone else pick up the kids (DH, carpool--pay for it) during this extinction burst period, I'd do that. He won't recognize your kids and that is not his focus anyway.

Don't go to any races where he might be there, especially the race where you met him.

You are dealing with escalation, and doing what most all of us do; we downplay it because we think we have it under control--because we WANT to think we have it under control. But OP it's NOT under control and it's only going to get worse until you take it seriously.

Hope this helps; good luck.

[Anonymous]

22:15 again just saw from a PP that you have not told your DH.

You must sit down and tell him. It will be ok. You were trying to be polite etc. and you thought it was harmless.

[Anonymous]

NP here to echo everyone who says "avoid all contact" and scrub the world of your contact info. When I was in college I dated a guy for about 8 weeks, broke it off, and then he got stalkery. After being too nice for too long, I told him to cease all contact. He was able to sweet-talk my grad school into giving information about me and a woman in admissions actually called me to advise me on the relationship (she later called back and apologized, but it was incredibly invasive). Later, I was required to keep an online presence for business reasons, and he used to contact me at work from time to time -- basically to show that he could find me if he wanted to. It took almost 10 years for him to stop contacting me.

I actually wrote Dear Prudence about him -- the lady who preceded Emily Bazelon in that role -- and although she didn't run my letter, she replied personally to tell me not to contact him.

FYI, there are some terrible "white pages" websites that post your personal information that they find through public records. You can write those websites and have the information taken down: tell them they are endangering your family and they will do it (that's what I did).

As other PPs have said, take down as many profiles as possible. I am not in my church directory, I deleted my LinkedIn account, I got my licensing board to scrub my address records so that only a corporate address shows now, etc. The only thing I still have is a facebook account, which I keep locked down. I agree with PPs who say to keep your old email address and social media accounts so you can track his interactions, but get new accounts for normal use and lock down the privacy settings.

Please take this seriously.

[Anonymous]

I swear this was posted before. A year or so ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say go ahead and talk to him. Answer the phone one day and make mention of how you're on your way to pick up your anti-psychotic meds or your HSV-2 prescription...tell him about your pending court date for attempted murder...tell him about the mosquito that bit you while you were in Paraguay and the rash you've had ever since...

Don't forget the chronic diarrhea.

1. Tell him that you want to send him a recent photo of yourself.

2. Send him a picture of a Big Beautiful Woman with your head Photoshopped onto her body.

[Anonymous]

Go to the police and have this thread deleted. This is not harmless, it's terrifying. And your husband needs to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I swear this was posted before. A year or so ago.

So do you think it's fiction? It's hard to imagine anyone would describe this guy's behavior as harmless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Something very similar happened to his very good friend of mine and she was beside herself with worry and anxiety over the situation so someone made the suggestion which worked like a charm - she finally broke the rule and broke her silence only to say that she had been diagnosed with an illness that she did not disclose therefore technically she was not lying and was very very ill and that the harassment was stressing her out for more than she needed… Never heard from him again - at this point that is exactly what I would do

I'm happy this worked for your friend but this is terrible advice. You don't know how this particular psycho is going to react to that lie. This is not a rational person we are talking about, it is a stalker.

I actually think it's a great idea. Chances are this guy is simply who lives a normal life and didn't mean for things to come across this way. A very straightforward and direct reason and demand not to contact her will probably work.