Harmless, but annoying "stalking"? At what point should I take action?

[Anonymous]

Geese talking about being negative. I don't think she will give him the time of day, and he will go away. Worse case, change her ph number. For all of us, there's a reason our parents use to teach us about stranger danger. People today need to be careful, and protect their inner circle. Too much FB, Twitter, so on.

[Anonymous]

You need to tell your husband about this if you have not already.

You need to stop participating on the boards on those racing websites (except anonymously). You should occasionally to see if he is posting questions or saying slanderous things about you.

Begin entering ALL races under an assumed name so that he can not see your name anymore; explain to the organizers that you are having a problem with another runner and that you need your name not to appear.

Change your phone number(s).

Get a security alarm, because if you do all of the above all he will still have is your address. That is a bit worrisome.

Stop telling yourself he is harmless. People can be healthy, good looking, seem nice, and actually be quite harmful. I'm not saying he is, but he's as a damn good a candidate for this type of person, it seems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not engage with him. At all. Ever. He will just take it as encouragement. I would block him in every possible way that you can. Keep a record of all of his attempts to contact you. If you ever, ever, ever feel unsafe, don't talk yourself out of it--contact the police so that at least you are starting to create a record.

+!, excellent advice. Never engage, at all. Don't be afraid to go for a restraining order of you feel unsafe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There were a few kind of "creepy" things--for example, one day I said my kids school was cancelled due to snow. A few days later he told me that he had my kids school district home page as one of the settings on HIS computer so he would know when their school was cancelled.

I'm surprised no one else has mentioned this, but while ALL of his actions go beyond "harmless," in my view, this is the most egregious and frightening thing on your list. He understood that you were making an excuse, true or not, not to see him, and his response was to put you on notice that he would henceforth be fact-checking your excuses AND is effectively stalking your children too. This is really threatening behavior - possibly to your children, and definitely to you. At the very least he wants you to be worried and afraid that he has eyes on you and yours, and will catch you in a lie when you try to avoid him. It's a form of control, which is really what stalking is all about. He can't tolerate the rejection and is trying to coerce you into maintaining a relationship against your will.

I think you're in denial a bit. I totally get that you're hoping it'll all go away and you won't have to tell your husband. He will be pissed, no doubt, all the more so because you had the great misfortune to flirt a little with an unstable stalker who has set his homepage to your kids' school. Just typing that gives me chills. But you need to tell him, and you definitely need to consult law enforcement. Under no circumstances should you reply to this guy in any way, and stay away from his wife too. Time for the pros to handle it. If you give in to him now, all you're telling him is that by stepping up his harassment, he gets your attention, and he'll keep doing it. What a disaster. I'm so sorry, OP.

PS - I think I know of what I speak because I had to endure one of these losers too, except he was an ex-BF, so the emotional stakes were much higher for him. I had to ignore him for years - literally years, I think 5? - until I finally heard the last of him. And I think it was really only because he found a new woman to beam his craziness on.

[Anonymous]

Another vote here for reading "The Gift of Fear". And also for telling your husband (if you haven't already) so that he is aware of the threat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to tell your husband about this if you have not already.

You need to stop participating on the boards on those racing websites (except anonymously). You should occasionally to see if he is posting questions or saying slanderous things about you.

Begin entering ALL races under an assumed name so that he can not see your name anymore; explain to the organizers that you are having a problem with another runner and that you need your name not to appear.

Change your phone number(s).

Get a security alarm, because if you do all of the above all he will still have is your address. That is a bit worrisome.

Stop telling yourself he is harmless. People can be healthy, good looking, seem nice, and actually be quite harmful. I'm not saying he is, but he's as a damn good a candidate for this type of person, it seems.

I agree with all this, and would add a few things:
Scrub all online mentions of you that you can. If you have social media, it's gone. Shut down linked in, see if you can get yourself off your company webpage (or at least your picture, whatever the case may be) If you can contact the website owner for the races, explain and ask to get your name off there. Google your name and do whatever you can to get yourself off anything that pops up.
This is painful, but I would stop going to races. Even if you enter anonymously he could still be there. I would play it safe and don't go.
Change your phone number or block all numbers he calls from
Change your email.

And yes you need to tell your husband.
And you need to go to the police and let THEM guide you in what kind of threat this is and what to do. There is no harm in going to the police, they are there for guidance and assistance just like any other agency. I don't understand the hesitation?

[Anonymous]

Another thing for your must-do list: if you ever downloaded ANY sort of attachment from him (funny photo or video, for example), get your computer scrubbed and change your passwords. I'm a PP who dated one of these types once, and I later realized, from him mentioning things he couldn't possibly have known without reading my emails, that he had planted a keystroke logger or similar and gotten my passwords.

Run one of those security programs, see if there's any malware on your computer, delete it, and change your passwords.

[Anonymous]

Nothing about this seems harmless and I would be terrified. Even if you were flirtatious with him, it is not normal for him to be attempting to contact you almost every single day! He knows where you live and where your kids go to school. I would definitely go to the police. He sounds disconnected from reality and who knows what he will do to get your attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am an amateur, but frequent, runner. I am married with children. Over a year ago, I went to a race in another state, and struck up a conversation with another runner. I am a better and more experienced runner than he is, so I was giving him some advice, as well as just general conversation. Full disclosure: yes, I did flirt with him a bit. I just considered it harmless banter--it happens a lot at races. He is also married with children, and lives in another state.

We continued contact after the race, but after a few weeks I told him that I was not comfortable with the "flirty" conversation and that it needed to stop. He asked if we could still keep in contact to talk about running things and I agreed.

And that was fine for a while--we just discussed running related stuff. But periodically he would try to be flirty again and I'd remind him that we were both married and I didn't want to do that. There were a few kind of "creepy" things--for example, one day I said my kids school was cancelled due to snow. A few days later he told me that he had my kids school district home page as one of the settings on HIS computer so he would know when their school was cancelled.

Several months ago (in August) his wife found out, and texted me that she wanted me to stop all contact with her husband; no texts, phone calls, or contact through a few of the running related websites we both frequent. I texted her back that I would stop all contact.

Since then, he has continued to try to contact me A LOT. Several times each week. He texts me, I don't respond. He tries to call me on the phone (I don't answer) and leaves voice mail messages. He has tried to call from other phone numbers (I'm guessing work? Or a payphone?) but since I can see the phone number is from his state, I don't answer. He continues to post things on the running related websites (for example, one of the sites lists the races I have done and the results, and he will leave a "cheer" for me on those.) I ignore all his attempts to contact me. At first I tried blocking his phone number, but I like I said, he will also use other phone numbers, email, the running related sites, etc. so I went ahead and unblocked his phone number so I could see how often he was contacted me and have a record, if needed.
He has sent me cards in the mail, with no signature, and nothing really written inside---just blank cards. But I can tell from the post mark where they were mailed from and he's the only person I know in that area.


There was a race last month that I was supposed to go to, but I knew he would be there so I did not go. He texted, called, emailed, etc. several times each day for a week surrounding that event, asking if we could meet up.

I don't think he is harmful in that I don't think he'll come kill me or kidnap me or anything. If he lived closer, I might worry that he would show up in the places I frequent---but he lives nearly 1000 miles away.
I thought that by ignoring him, he would eventually give up, but if anything, the longer this goes on, the more frequent the attempts are---I think back in September he was trying to contact me about once per week, and now it's become closer to 5 times per week, and sometimes several times in one day.

So should I break the "no contact" to tell him to stop? Ignoring doesn't seem to be working. Should I contact his wife and tell her about this? He had described her to me as being "mentally unstable"--but I really don't trust HIS word on that. When she texted me back in August, it was from his phone, but I have found her on facebook and could send her a message through there.

I know that I should not have engaged in the "flirting" earlier. I really did not think it would escalate to this.

I would reply and copy the wife. Make it a stop all contact email. Tell him you'll get a restraining order if he does not stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another thing for your must-do list: if you ever downloaded ANY sort of attachment from him (funny photo or video, for example), get your computer scrubbed and change your passwords. I'm a PP who dated one of these types once, and I later realized, from him mentioning things he couldn't possibly have known without reading my emails, that he had planted a keystroke logger or similar and gotten my passwords.

Run one of those security programs, see if there's any malware on your computer, delete it, and change your passwords.

Was coming here to say exactly this. PP, maybe we dated the same whackadoo stalker douche.

[Anonymous]

I would continue to ignore him, which is the classic advice on how to handle stalkers (and at this point I think what he is doing qualifies as such). I would keep a record of all of this attempts to contact you. I would forward anything he sends you via email to his wife. I would get in touch with a support service or even the police on advice to on how to handle further. Stalkers DO escalate, please be careful.

[Anonymous]

I would contact his wife and let her know it is continuing. Block all email, text, phone numbers from him and if he gets a new one, ignore it. You keep responding so you are meeting his needs.

[Anonymous]

1. Document all of the contacts into a timeline.
2. Have an attorney send a certified letter to his wife with the timeline of contacts, along with a warning that you will be notifying the police.
3. File a police report (have your attorney help you with this).

This guy is nuts. Take no chances.

[Anonymous]

This is not at all harmless. This would scare the crap out of me. This isn't "mild" stalking. You need to talk to police and get their advice on how to handle this immediately.
This fellow is crazy and you don't really know what he is capable of. And his obsession with you has extended to your kids. That is very serious. VERY (I'm yelling because you seem to consider his attention to be harmless or benign and it's not).

[Anonymous]

^ +1

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