Harmless, but annoying "stalking"? At what point should I take action?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Time to bring in your husband. Let him answer the phone next time and in no uncertain terms make it clear that you are not interested in additional communication. I know it is sexists, but some men will only listen to other men.

I'd describe myself as a determined feminist, but when I found myself in a similar situation, this is the only thing that made the stalking stop.

(I also told my husband that the stalker was contacting me from a work computer, so he could be sure to mention this in his warning to the stalker.)

If that doesn't work, the next step is contacting the police.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a fellow woman I have to say that it drives me absolutely crazy when women are not looking at something directly because they are afraid they are overreacting.

THIS MAN IS HARASSING YOU, WHAT HE IS DOING IS A CRIME. This is NOT HARMLESS.

For god's sake stop worrying about being "wrong" or "doing too much", this has gotten out of control.

A thousand times this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Don't contact me again. If you do, I will forward every communication to your wife and to my local police station." Then follow through.

This would be my response.

+1

I would be scared a response like this would trigger the man to lash out. I would probably make up something. Say you came down with cancer and you're getting treatment. That you simply can't manage your life right now and can't handle any contact. That you hope everything is okay and wish him the best of luck.

This is a terrible idea. The man is obviously psycho, and probably has all kinds of insane romantic ideas about his relationship with OP. If she told him she has cancer, he would probably drive to her town right away or something nuts like that so he could see her.

Well the police sure aren't going to help. At all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would he have your address? Or your email? Or your number? you exchanged every possible contact information? What does your husband say?

+1. I feel like we are missing some information (or that maybe OP is downplaying the extent of the relationship). How would he even know the school your kids went to in order to bookmark the website?

You would be shocked at how much information about you is available online. If you knew someone's name and the city they lived in, you can find their address. Email addresses can also be found--sometimes through Facebook, but that's not the only way. Ditto for phone numbers. A photo of your kid on FB in a school t-shirt or a post about being at a sporting event at Blahblah high school.

And even if OP had an affair with this guy, what he is doing is wrong. He is harassing her and stalking her and it's not okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Don't contact me again. If you do, I will forward every communication to your wife and to my local police station." Then follow through.

This would be my response.

+1

I would be scared a response like this would trigger the man to lash out. I would probably make up something. Say you came down with cancer and you're getting treatment. That you simply can't manage your life right now and can't handle any contact. That you hope everything is okay and wish him the best of luck.

This is a terrible idea. The man is obviously psycho, and probably has all kinds of insane romantic ideas about his relationship with OP. If she told him she has cancer, he would probably drive to her town right away or something nuts like that so he could see her.

Exactly. Lying never gets you anyplace. A clear, firm leave me alone or I will escalate this to the police is why is needed here.

[Anonymous]

OP, please read "The Gift of Fear". It's all about how we ignore our inner warning signs and put ourselves in danger.

What he is doing is NOT HARMLESS. It does not matter that you flirted with him. Contacting someone when you have been asked to stop is harassment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Don't contact me again. If you do, I will forward every communication to your wife and to my local police station." Then follow through.

This would be my response.

+1

I would be scared a response like this would trigger the man to lash out. I would probably make up something. Say you came down with cancer and you're getting treatment. That you simply can't manage your life right now and can't handle any contact. That you hope everything is okay and wish him the best of luck.

This is a terrible idea. The man is obviously psycho, and probably has all kinds of insane romantic ideas about his relationship with OP. If she told him she has cancer, he would probably drive to her town right away or something nuts like that so he could see her.

Exactly. Lying never gets you anyplace. A clear, firm leave me alone or I will escalate this to the police is why is needed here.

Ok but that might anger him and have him act out. It's not like op can hire body guards to protect her. The police aren't going to do a thing. What could they possibly do? I really think it's better for the op to say whatever it takes to get the guy to leave her alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not engage with him. At all. Ever. He will just take it as encouragement. I would block him in every possible way that you can. Keep a record of all of his attempts to contact you. If you ever, ever, ever feel unsafe, don't talk yourself out of it--contact the police so that at least you are starting to create a record.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not engage with him. At all. Ever. He will just take it as encouragement. I would block him in every possible way that you can. Keep a record of all of his attempts to contact you. If you ever, ever, ever feel unsafe, don't talk yourself out of it--contact the police so that at least you are starting to create a record.

+1

Fwiw I pseudo stalked a man. It's very embarrassing and I don't know what led me to it. My friends and family would be shocked. Anyway, the best thing for me was no contact. None. It helped me forget him. Rwceiving messages to stop contacting him just upset me and then I ended up contacting him again.

[Anonymous]

DO NOT RESPOND TO HIM AT ALL.

TELL YOUR HUSBAND, IF YOU HAVE NOT ALREADY.

I ALSO THINK YOU SHOULD LET THE POLICE KNOW AND IF THEY FEEL IT IS APPROPRIATE, THEY MAY CONTACT HIM OR THE WIFE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Don't contact me again. If you do, I will forward every communication to your wife and to my local police station." Then follow through.

This would be my response.

+1

I would be scared a response like this would trigger the man to lash out. I would probably make up something. Say you came down with cancer and you're getting treatment. That you simply can't manage your life right now and can't handle any contact. That you hope everything is okay and wish him the best of luck.

This is a terrible idea. The man is obviously psycho, and probably has all kinds of insane romantic ideas about his relationship with OP. If she told him she has cancer, he would probably drive to her town right away or something nuts like that so he could see her.

Exactly. Lying never gets you anyplace. A clear, firm leave me alone or I will escalate this to the police is why is needed here.

Ok but that might anger him and have him act out. It's not like op can hire body guards to protect her. The police aren't going to do a thing. What could they possibly do? I really think it's better for the op to say whatever it takes to get the guy to leave her alone.

If you've read any literature about stalking you'd realize that you're giving her the worst advice possible. Any kind of contact, even negative, is seen as encouragement to a stalker. The police are used to dealing with this kind of thing and it should be brought to their attention. Throwing up your hands and saying "what could they possibly do??" and then inventing some idiotic lie is not a solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Fwiw I pseudo stalked a man. It's very embarrassing and I don't know what led me to it. My friends and family would be shocked. Anyway, the best thing for me was no contact. None. It helped me forget him. Rwceiving messages to stop contacting him just upset me and then I ended up contacting him again.

How did you 'pseudo' stalk someone?

[Anonymous]

Any kind of contact, even negative, is seen as encouragement to a stalker.

^^^THIS

OP, please ignore the well-meaning advice to contact him once more, or have your husband contact him once more. His wife asked you to stop contacting him. You agreed. He knows this. You would not be giving him new information by asking him to stop, except to tell him that you will engage with him if he is willing to harass you X number of times.

Keep a record. Inform your local police department -- even if they can't do anything yet, if it rises to the level of actionable behavior, they'll have the record of his actions on file. Set up a filter for your email and direct all his emails to a particular folder, so you won't have to see it every day, but you can check it periodically. Keep his emails and his cards, and keep a note of when he calls. Odds are that he will move on if he gets no response from you, but if not, these records will be invaluable.

[Anonymous]

You need to tell your husband. You need help and someone needs to know who this person is in case he harms you. I hope not! It's time to protect yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Fwiw I pseudo stalked a man. It's very embarrassing and I don't know what led me to it. My friends and family would be shocked. Anyway, the best thing for me was no contact. None. It helped me forget him. Rwceiving messages to stop contacting him just upset me and then I ended up contacting him again.

How did you 'pseudo' stalk someone?

I wasn't a crazy stalker but would contact him every once in a while. We previously had a casual fling for five plus years before I got married. I think I have some form of ptsd from it. I was really young and had emotional problems. He's 20 plus years older than I am. We talked on the phone somewhat frequently for years. When he cut me off I couldn't handle it and tried to get him to talk to me for years. I still miss him actually.