When a friend confides about a really major secret and it changes things...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also OP, I know someone who sort of fits this description, and know I will wonder. Perhaps we should open an "out the extramarital affairs" thread where we describe in not-so-vague terms the people we know in these affairs?

.

Oh, yes, please! Maybe we can title the thread "Morality Police."

Who has time for meddling in other people's relationships?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also OP, I know someone who sort of fits this description, and know I will wonder. Perhaps we should open an "out the extramarital affairs" thread where we describe in not-so-vague terms the people we know in these affairs?

.

Oh, yes, please! Maybe we can title the thread "Morality Police."

Who has time for meddling in other people's relationships?

If some people have time for super-hot extramarital affairs, why shouldn't other people have the time to discuss their acquaintances having these super-hot extramarital affairs. Have it, and then Own It!

[Anonymous]

OP, walk away from this friendship because your friend has kindly put you on notice that she is the kind of person who will disregard marriage vows if she is attracted to someone. I would certainly not take my husband on a vacation with her if you value your marriage. Years ago, in my first marriage, I had a very good and attractive friend who similarly confided in me about a relationship with a much-older married man in her workplace. I assumed that older men were her type and we continued to go out and socialize together often. She was single, but would occasionally go out to dinner, bars, parties, or movies with my then-husband and me - as we lived nearby and we were great friends. Until we were not, because she and my ex began a long, involved affair that everyone in our social circle knew about except me. He was the love of my young life, and it killed my marriage, but in all fairness to her she had warned me about the type of girl she was.

[Anonymous]

I'm going against the majority of folks here to say that I would have a problem with the friend being dishonest with spouse (having her cake and eating it too), using a postition of authority (I.e. Affair with someone you pay in any capacity or someone you supervise) and picking someone connectied with the people she would hurt the most should this come out (I.e. Someone close to either the spouse and/or children). If this was DH having an affair with the hot young nanny and the wife didn't know, would you still feel the same way about this person and want to vacation together with him a and his family?

I thought about the whole judging thing and I think everyone has those things that are contrary to their own values that will make you reevaluate a friendship. If someone swore like a sailor, spit on the street, got roaring drunk every weekend, and constantly broke plans you made, you may not "judge" them in the sense that they are a bad person but you sure as heck might make the decisions not to become close friends or vacation together if those things bother you and aren't your lifestyle.

The whole things with shades of gray is that the friend didn't really sound that remorseful, it was the guy moving away that ended things, nothing on her part. She doesn't seem to want to do anything with her marriage to figure out how to prevent being tempted by something like this in the future. She feels something is lacking in her marriage but is not putting in the effort to try to fix it or willing to give up the stability of her marriage to find something better. I also didn't hear anything in the story that the husband was in any way the trigger for this happening like he wanted to have an open marriage or had an affair or was refusing to have sex with her etc. Do if it were me, based on the story you know, I would cancel the vacation or make this the last joint vacation. That's me. You need to make sure you understand your reasons why you are uncomfortable. I had a parent that had an affair and the other parent that refused to be the one to initiate the divorce. they both made a half hearted attempt to stay together for the kids. It's a trigger point for me and I am honest about that with my friends. Unless someone had some detail that made this more than a typical selfish case of adultery, I would have problems staying close with that person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you ask her why she shared that with you? Did she need a confessor?

Lots of people have affairs, even "good girls. " many of them realize their mistake and go on to have even stronger marriages.

maybe be less judgmental?

God....imagine if it was a guy having an affair with the au pair. Oh wait. I've seen those a lot. It usually results in the DCUM women crying out to bring the man to burn him at the stake.

Turn this around, and we get "try to be less judgmental." GIVE ME A FREAKING BREAK.

[Anonymous]

I was the child in this situation thirty-five years ago. My parent probably thought that I was too young to notice anything, but I picked up the signs. I resented everyone involved greatly for a long time, and my parent had a very emotional period - probably going out with her friends to get drunk and tell tales - for some time after it ended. Any mother who would do this in a relationship involving her child, is hurting that child.

[Anonymous]

She's a whore sorry that's what it is, also not a good or true friend- she is selfish and self absorbed. Aldo sounds like if he didn't move away she would have happily continued- cancel that trip and drop her.

[Anonymous]

A woman or man who cheats on their spouse and kids will do it to YOUR spouse too!!! How can you ever trust her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She said there was a very strong mutual attraction and that it happened very suddenly and she said she felt "she had no control".

Wow, you hit the irresponsibility trifecta there: "mutual attraction," "happened very suddenly" and rape. If I had a $1 for every time I heard these excuses, except for the rape part, I'd be fucking rich.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a very pro-cheating board

Selfish assholes is what they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's kind of hard to be non judgmental when someone you think you really know well who is 43 is sleeping around with a 24 year old according to her three or four times a day! I mean come on......its not like its info you can easily forget!!!! It just makes me look at her in a different way, fair or not.

Oh, Fer fuck's sake...there is NOTHING wrong with a 43 year old banging a 24 year old, so long as they are both consenting adults. How prudish.

The only thing to be judgmental about is the cheating, and yes, she was totally wrong to put this secret on your shoulders. See a therapist or your religious shaman of choice, but don't put friends in this very very awkward position.

I'm a guy who has been on both ends of this kind of (and larger) age differential - and had an affair once.

[Anonymous]

How'd you react when she told you? If you were sympathetic and supportive when she told you, offering a shoulder to cry on then that's what you should continue to do. Or if you were critical and accusatory when she told you, expressing your disappointment and condemning her actions then that's how you should continue to be. Hell if you were giggly and entertained when she told you, cracking up with her as she explained the mess she'd gotten herself into then that's how you should continue to be. Be you and be her friend. But DON'T try and switch up all the sudden into some high and mighty mythical ethical buddha who is far too enlightened and immaculate to associate with the likes of a lesser being...that's bullshit lady and you know it. But if that's the route you want to take - high and mighty - then by all means you should go with it. In other words, be the honest upright all-knowing never-faulting sage of sincerity that you claim to be and simply tell her that you do not wish to be in her company at the Cape. She is unworthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How'd you react when she told you? If you were sympathetic and supportive when she told you, offering a shoulder to cry on then that's what you should continue to do. Or if you were critical and accusatory when she told you, expressing your disappointment and condemning her actions then that's how you should continue to be. Hell if you were giggly and entertained when she told you, cracking up with her as she explained the mess she'd gotten herself into then that's how you should continue to be. Be you and be her friend. But DON'T try and switch up all the sudden into some high and mighty mythical ethical buddha who is far too enlightened and immaculate to associate with the likes of a lesser being...that's bullshit lady and you know it. But if that's the route you want to take - high and mighty - then by all means you should go with it. In other words, be the honest upright all-knowing never-faulting sage of sincerity that you claim to be and simply tell her that you do not wish to be in her company at the Cape. She is unworthy.

Well, she certainly is not worthy of being trusted to be alone with someone else's spouse - side she cannot control her impulses when there is an incredible attraction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you ask her why she shared that with you? Did she need a confessor?

Lots of people have affairs, even "good girls. " many of them realize their mistake and go on to have even stronger marriages.

maybe be less judgmental?

God....imagine if it was a guy having an affair with the au pair. Oh wait. I've seen those a lot. It usually results in the DCUM women crying out to bring the man to burn him at the stake.

Turn this around, and we get "try to be less judgmental." GIVE ME A FREAKING BREAK.

FEMINAZIS. A good amount of this site... Bunch of SAHMs who believe their entitled because other SAHMs (and probably TheView) tells them they should be.

P.S. Men are dogs and should be happy with whatever lackluster sex their wives grace them with. The end.

[Anonymous]

So someone I have been very good friends with for years (we are both in our 40's) with kids similar ages shocked me beyond belief by confessing to me the other night that she had a short term affair with a graduate student who also plays a certain sport that was instructing one of her sons. He was renting not far from them and to earn money he was coaching/teaching offering private lessons, which is how they met. She said there was a very strong mutual attraction and that it happened very suddenly and she said she felt "she had no control". He apparently has gone back home and it is over. She said she had to tell someone and I was that person. We had both had a glass of wine so she was obviously feeling a little bit more open than she normally might.

OP that would make me very uncomfortable. There is a creepy cougar feeling to this, and the friend then disavows any responsibility by saying she had no control and so on. I know all these posters are super liberal about this (I wonder how they would feel if it was their DH) but I would not want to spend a week with her DH knowing this about her. I think she was not a very good friend to confide this. Just moving the burden to someone lese. Unless she really doesn't want them to come to the Cape with them.