Reply to When a friend confides about a really major secret and it changes things...

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[quote=Anonymous]I'm going against the majority of folks here to say that I would have a problem with the friend being dishonest with spouse (having her cake and eating it too), using a postition of authority (I.e. Affair with someone you pay in any capacity or someone you supervise) and picking someone connectied with the people she would hurt the most should this come out (I.e. Someone close to either the spouse and/or children).   If this was DH having an affair with the hot young nanny and the wife didn't know, would you still feel the same way about this person and want to vacation together with him a and his family?

I thought about the whole judging thing and I think everyone has those things that are contrary to their own values that will make you reevaluate a friendship.  If someone swore like a sailor, spit on the street, got roaring drunk every weekend, and constantly broke plans you made, you may not "judge" them in the sense that they are a bad person but you sure as heck might make the decisions not to become close friends or vacation together if those things bother you and aren't your lifestyle.

The whole things with shades of gray is that the friend didn't really sound that remorseful, it was the guy moving away that ended things, nothing on her part.  She doesn't seem to want to do anything with her marriage to figure out how to prevent being tempted by something like this in the future. She feels something is lacking in her marriage but is not putting in the effort to try to fix it or willing to give up the stability of her marriage to find something better. I also didn't hear anything in the story that the husband was in any way the trigger for this happening like he wanted to have an open marriage or had an affair or was refusing to have sex with her etc.   Do if it were me, based on the story you know, I would cancel the vacation or make this the last joint vacation.  That's me.   You need to make sure you understand your reasons why you are uncomfortable. I had a parent that had an affair and the other parent that refused to be the one to initiate the divorce.  they both made a half hearted attempt to stay together for the kids.  It's a trigger point for me and I am honest about that with my friends.  Unless someone had some detail that made this more than a typical selfish case of adultery, I would have problems staying close with that person.[/quote]

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