When a friend confides about a really major secret and it changes things...

[Anonymous]

Wine sure loosens the tongue, doesn't it OP?

All kidding aside, I feel for your friend. She obviously has been carrying around this guilt for a very long time + probably has no one in her immediate life that she feels comfortable talking about this too w/out feeling like she is being judged. Everyone needs that ONE friend we can talk to about every and anything...That one friend who won't judge us...Who will just listen to us and no matter what we tell them, will still like us the same. She obviously thought you were "that friend" and thus confided in you, but from what you are saying here, you are not.

You don't sound like you truly are "good friends" like you stated in your title, because if you were truly a good friend, you wouldn't be so harsh in your opinions.
No one is perfect and maybe you do not agree w/her actions. But as her friend, part of being a good friend is to look past her faults and continue loving her as your friend in spite of her short-comings.

If you truly cannot see past this, then I would say you two are not a good match and it would be best for both of you if you just sever ties.

[Anonymous]

NP, and honestly OP you said something twice that really makes me think your reaction is a combination of beign about your friend's actual indescretions, but equally as much (or more!) about the fact that YOU are totally shocked and surprised and would have never seen this coming.

You sound more disconcerted by the fact that a close friend of yours has surprised you with their behavior in a way you like it makes you question your instinct, your perceptions, your own ability to really "know" your world and the people in it. As you said, it freaks people out when others really, drastically surprise them.

You need to take a break from thinking about it for a couple of days and then come back to it and ask yourself (even make a written list - and then tear it up) about what bothers you most about the whole thing, maybe the top 5 things that bother you and freak you out. You may learn something about yourself if you ask yourself that.

I like that you admitted that you're a little jealous too. Maybe another part of what freaks you out is you're wondering if you can trust your friend around your own husband? You mention that she's very pretty and in good shape, is it possible she's triggered some insecurities in you (not saying you're not pretty or in good shape! But even pretty people can feel insecure around others at times.)?

Another question I have is, do you know others in your life who've had affairs and did it bother you this much? If not, what is it about this situation that's different? If so, maybe it is just morally objectionable to you (as it is to me) and maybe you just really get upset and turned off by all people who make that choice, and it's not just about this particular friend.

Last thing, I think it's great that you recognize that you're in different placed in your lives (her marrying in early 20s, you in mid-30s). That really DOES make a difference and if she feels like she got something out of her system, she may never be even tempted to do this again. I got married in my mid-30s as well and I had a LOT of fun before that. Since being married there have been times I've had amazing chemistry with men other than my DH, but I don't need to go there, I have an idea of what it's like (which is great!), but I also have an idea of what is at stake and I choose my husband and family all the time. But if I'd never had those other experiences, I can see how it might feel too new and amazing to turn down. It's not an excuse for affairs - really, there's no excuse for affairs in my book - but people are human and sometimes there are factors that make the fact that it happens more understandable than others.

[Anonymous]

I think a part of this that has not been addressed is - is she remorseful? Just because she feels guilty does not mean she regrets it happening. On one thread I almost got the feeling she is happy it happened and wished it lasted longer. Maybe I read wrong?

All this nonsense about needing to delete this for fear of her being outed is ABSURD. There are tens of thousands of people who that could be, lets see the info we have here
She is in her 40's
has kids
going to Cape
likes to run and is in good shape
and is pretty

Ugh, dont' know about you but I can think of about 14 women that fit that bill in my circle alone, including myself. Some need to get a life!
Good luck OP if she does not seem remorseful then my hunch is that is what is really bothering you? That she will do it again and that shes not the good girl you thought she was?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not op and have skimmed this thread which is interesting- such a liberal group.
I am list though - where did op "out" the friend? What info is given to out her? I fail to see it other than she's 40 fit and runs and has kids- ugh that could be one of tens if thousands!
I get op's dilemma she knows too much and is now uncomfortable-I think you should talk about it.

I'm not sure if I'd talk to her about any more. But it would sure as heck make me feel uncomfortable if someone spilled the beans like that to me, especially since the OP obviously knows the husband and will be vacationing with her friend's family.

[Anonymous]

I have to say I totally understand OPs inner turmoil. Here is a friend who obviously does not share her same moral code, she now knows that she has breached her vows in the most offensive way possible, and OP knows the husband well enough to consider him a friend this puts her in really bad position.
I say that this friend was selfish and wrong to confide in OP not thinking about how it would affect her and her relationship with them as a couple.Very inconsiderate in my eyes. I would cancel the trip if you are that uncomfortable.
I am sure (just a guess) that she also probably feels a bit uncomfortable with WHO she had this affair with, a young man half her age. Kinda weird if you ask me. She should have kept it to herself.

[Anonymous]

For crying out loud where do these "perfect people" come from who are just so horrified that (GASP!!) others aren't flawless and free from faults like they are - - - wait..."perfect people" do have faults don't they?

OP do you have any faults? If so STFU and stop stressing about your shock/horror about your friend. I'm sure there's a few things in your closet that would give her pause when appraising you.

[Anonymous]

Wow a lot of angry people on this board or it has struck a nerve. Who said its about being perfect? I doubt OP thinks shes perfect just that this has made her look at her friend differently and I have to say if that were me and my best friend I think I would have a hard time too. Not to say I wouldn't be her friend but it would take some time to kind of try and forget.

Again its not about what she did, its about the people she is hurting in the process, and there are many.

[Anonymous]

I think she needed a friend, and you were that person, she obviously turned to you because she felt she could trust you and that you would be her friend in a time of distress. What she did not consider was your tough position in being friends with both her and her husband.
have you told your husband? Does she know you are having a hard time with this information?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a part of this that has not been addressed is - is she remorseful? Just because she feels guilty does not mean she regrets it happening. On one thread I almost got the feeling she is happy it happened and wished it lasted longer. Maybe I read wrong?

All this nonsense about needing to delete this for fear of her being outed is ABSURD. There are tens of thousands of people who that could be, lets see the info we have here
She is in her 40's
has kids
going to Cape
likes to run and is in good shape
and is pretty

Ugh, dont' know about you but I can think of about 14 women that fit that bill in my circle alone, including myself. Some need to get a life!
Good luck OP if she does not seem remorseful then my hunch is that is what is really bothering you? That she will do it again and that shes not the good girl you thought she was?

Don't forget graduate student, private sporting lessons, and renting nearby. I bet someone will figure it out. I am always shocked at how many people read DCUM. It comes up all the time when talking about school stuff with other parents.

I would put it out of my mind. For all you know, she made the whole thing up.

[Anonymous]

I don't see what the big deal is OP. She opened up and shared something seemingly abominable with you - why can't you open up and share the simple fact that you're confused/uncomfortable as a result with her? If you don't see a reason or have the resolve to openly talk to her in turn then obviously you don't see her as a friend and no sense stressing about the Cape, just tell the heifer you don't see her as a friend anymore and call it off.

[Anonymous]

Over and over again the people on this board remind me what weak-willed, weak-minded losers most people are. The friend cheated. That is a shitty thing to do. Stop condoning it and rationalizing that it is okay. It is not.

All that said, if it were my friend and I really loved her, I would try to work through this for the friendship. I wouldn't pretend for a minute I condoned what she did, but you try to see the whole person. We all make mistakes. I think the key is if she sees it as a mistake and if she's sorry about it.

[Anonymous]

I found out awhile back that one of my friends who has a seemingly perfect life (nice husband, lovely home, great kids, close family, cool job) had an affair with another friend of mine. It actually was a revelation for me in a non-negative sense - it kind of took the pressure off me. Here I was, occasionally feeling like "wow, her life is so amazing and perfect and mine is so much less perfect", but clearly, there are issues there that aren't obvious to the outside world. It didn't make me judge her, but it did make me think, "hmmm."

[Anonymous]

Cant believe how liberal everyone is. What happened to the vow of marriage being sacred and the trust that goes along with that? Some of you are so cavalier about this, this is major its CHEATING ON HER HUSBAND!!

Last I checked that is pretty serious stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cant believe how liberal everyone is. What happened to the vow of marriage being sacred and the trust that goes along with that? Some of you are so cavalier about this, this is major its CHEATING ON HER HUSBAND!!

Last I checked that is pretty serious stuff.

Spilling your friends secrets all over cyberspace isn't exactly minor in and of itself.
I say OP needs to shut her yap and stop begging for advice from strangers and instead go confront her friend.

[Anonymous]

OP there are a lot of unhappily married people here obviously. Anyone who is more hung up on you coming on this board than what your friend did has issues but that's another thread.

She allowed her uncompromising situation to put you in an uncompromising situation, imagine if her kids found out about the coach and their mom? Yuck. So inappropriate and things do have a way of coming out..how mortifying for her husband.

And now you are stuck with this secret, I am sorry and can imagine your angst. I think honesty is best, speak to her and if you are not feeling like you want be chummy with her right now than telll her you need space, period. She must understand that along with those actions comes consequences.

I do not think any thing you have said that I have read implicates anymore, it is ridiculous to even imply it.