When a friend confides about a really major secret and it changes things...

[Anonymous]

It would be the end of the friendship for me. This is a very pro-cheating board so you will mostly get that perspective but if someone will cheat and lie and betray to their spouse, who knows what they will do to me. I look for friends who have integrity and character - like honesty, loyalty, etc and someone who cheats is void of those things.

Lots of people have bad marriages and they don't go out and have sex with other people. People in good marriages also go out and have sex with other people. That is the result of a lack of integrity and character, not of a bad marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People make mistakes, OP. She cheated on her husband, not on you. She obviously really trusts you and values your friendship or she wouldn't have told you about the affair. It sounds like she's having a midlife crisis. Be supportive.

reverse the genders - would you say the same thing about a cheating husband? be supportive or dump the bastard?

PP here-good point. However, if it was his first affair I wouldn't necessarily tell her to dump the bastard. I would listen and support whatever my friend decided to do. I would also encourage counseling (in both situations). I really feel like as a friend it's not my business to judge/get involved with what happens in friends' marriages. Of course we all have opinions but I really would try to be as non-judgmental as possible as long as it wasn't something that was effecting me directly (like if my friend was having an affair with my husband-obviously that's a completely different situation). I really try not to judge because I've made my share of mistakes (not infidelity but an abortion that I have significant regret over).

[Anonymous]

OP, please ask, no, beg, Jeff to delete your posts describing your "friend's" situation. You have just outed her to the world. Not just to her husband if he, or any of his friends' wives, read this, but also to the general community!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People make mistakes, OP. She cheated on her husband, not on you. She obviously really trusts you and values your friendship or she wouldn't have told you about the affair. It sounds like she's having a midlife crisis. Be supportive.

reverse the genders - would you say the same thing about a cheating husband? be supportive or dump the bastard?

Not the PP, but I said the "people make mistakes" thing to a friend when her boyfriend cheated on her. It took time, but they eventually got married and have been together now for 8 years. So, I think it;s really possible for people to make mistake, learn from them and move on as a better person.

[Anonymous]

I had a friend do this. I did not think she should be cheating on her DH and telling me all about it. It was all she could talk about. then she did it again -- more talk talk talk. In the end I did not want to be the recipient of all of this news about her extra curricular life. It then went on to her desire to divorce her DH (which she never did ) Go to church -- I am not your confessor!

[Anonymous]

When friends confide things to me over a glass of wine, I never bring them up again and try to live our friendship as though I don't know (except for avoiding any triggers in the case of a friend who was raped).
If the admission makes me feel too comfortable to talk about it again or even to continue the friendship, I am honest about it in as gentle a way as I can. This includes affairs, a friend's use of abortion rather than contraceptives, and someone who was shoplifting.

[Anonymous]

Not op and have skimmed this thread which is interesting- such a liberal group.
I am list though - where did op "out" the friend? What info is given to out her? I fail to see it other than she's 40 fit and runs and has kids- ugh that could be one of tens if thousands!
I get op's dilemma she knows too much and is now uncomfortable-I think you should talk about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not op and have skimmed this thread which is interesting- such a liberal group.
I am list though - where did op "out" the friend? What info is given to out her? I fail to see it other than she's 40 fit and runs and has kids- ugh that could be one of tens if thousands!
I get op's dilemma she knows too much and is now uncomfortable-I think you should talk about it.

short term affair with a graduate student who also plays a certain sport that was instructing one of her sons. He was renting not far from them and to earn money he was coaching/teaching offering private lessons, which is how they met.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It would be the end of the friendship for me. This is a very pro-cheating board so you will mostly get that perspective but if someone will cheat and lie and betray to their spouse, who knows what they will do to me. I look for friends who have integrity and character - like honesty, loyalty, etc and someone who cheats is void of those things.

Lots of people have bad marriages and they don't go out and have sex with other people. People in good marriages also go out and have sex with other people. That is the result of a lack of integrity and character, not of a bad marriage.

PP, I have same view point as you. What if the friend is the OW, but she is single. What would you say about her honesty, loyalty or character since she didn't cheat on her spouse? Sometimes I don't know what to make of it but always wish she didn't tell me and I think that is how OP feels...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not op and have skimmed this thread which is interesting- such a liberal group.
I am list though - where did op "out" the friend? What info is given to out her? I fail to see it other than she's 40 fit and runs and has kids- ugh that could be one of tens if thousands!
I get op's dilemma she knows too much and is now uncomfortable-I think you should talk about it.

short term affair with a graduate student who also plays a certain sport that was instructing one of her sons. He was renting not far from them and to earn money he was coaching/teaching offering private lessons, which is how they met.

And she specified that she is scheduled to go to the cape with her friend next month.

[Anonymous]

OP, I haven't read all the replies, but here's my advice for dealing with it (assuming you don't want to end the friendship):

Find some humility. No one is perfect. Everyone makes bad choices once in while, even when we know better. If we're lucky, one bad choice doesn't wreck our life, we learn our lesson, and vow to be better in the future. The fact that this is a one-off for your friend and that she feels guilty suggests that she is generally a good person.

She turned to you in friendship, so try to be a good friend to her.

None of this, BTW, requires that you condone what she did. Just have a little human empathy and help her come through this a bit better on the other side.

[Anonymous]

17:39 again.

And you're guilty of betrayal as well. Your friend told you something in confidence and you've just broadcast it to the world. If your dilemma was genuine and you wanted advice from DCUM, none of those details about who he is and how they met, etc., were necessary for that purpose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, please ask, no, beg, Jeff to delete your posts describing your "friend's" situation. You have just outed her to the world. Not just to her husband if he, or any of his friends' wives, read this, but also to the general community!

Oh, please.
Now this is being overly dramatic. Do you really think that many people read DCUM?

[Anonymous]

OP are you trying to tell her husband? You put so much identifying information wtf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, please ask, no, beg, Jeff to delete your posts describing your "friend's" situation. You have just outed her to the world. Not just to her husband if he, or any of his friends' wives, read this, but also to the general community!

Oh, please.
Now this is being overly dramatic. Do you really think that many people read DCUM?

It only takes one person reading this for the community to find out. This is DC, a very, very small town.