When a friend confides about a really major secret and it changes things...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cant believe how liberal everyone is. What happened to the vow of marriage being sacred and the trust that goes along with that? Some of you are so cavalier about this, this is major its CHEATING ON HER HUSBAND!!

Last I checked that is pretty serious stuff.

Spilling your friends secrets all over cyberspace isn't exactly minor in and of itself.
I say OP needs to shut her yap and stop begging for advice from strangers and instead go confront her friend.

THAT PALES IN COMPARISON TO WHAT THE GIRL DID IN THE FIRST PLACE!! WOW YOU ARE MESSED UP IN YOUR PRIORITIES. UNHAPPY MUCH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cant believe how liberal everyone is. What happened to the vow of marriage being sacred and the trust that goes along with that? Some of you are so cavalier about this, this is major its CHEATING ON HER HUSBAND!!

Last I checked that is pretty serious stuff.

I'm the PP who advised OP to find some humility. I don't think any of us are condoning cheating or taking it lightly. I, for one, think faithfulness to one's spouse is sacred, and that's what guides my choice to be faithful to my husband. I also am someone whose husband was unfaithful. I forgave him, but it was hard and it took YEARS.

But I also believe in fidelity to friends. A good friend, who knows you, accepts you, stands by you is a gift.

For the record, I've been in OP's situation. Very close friends with a couple and one of them confided to me that they were cheating. Did it make me really sad? Of course. Did I worry for her husband (with whom I was friends first)? Of course. Did I think less of my friend? Not really, because I know she has a lot of flaws! It didn't change how much I love her or value her place in my life.

Life is complicated.

[Anonymous]

I am shocked by how many people are beating up OP. Honestly. It's like the Real Housewives of DC on this board! This only pales to the Janney thread.

I have had friends on both sides of the equation. One - a friend who confessed she found out her husband had been having repeated affairs. I advised her to get couples counseling (HE would not go) she went. He's always been an ass and I have known them both for a very long time. They are still together and the last time I saw her, she was very proud of her infinity band he gave her for their last anniversary. He continues to be verbally abusive to her, always has been. They have three kids and she just won't leave. It's her choice, I am her friend and always will be but I have to say, I really don't want to spend much time with her and I really cannot look her husband in the eye and prefer to ignore him.

Second friend is single but having an affair with a married man and thinks no one knows but everyone does. It's embarrassing for both of them and the "elephant in the room." She has not discussed it with me but has discussed it with other mutual friends (when she's drunk) and no one has kept her secret. I've distanced myself from her and don't think we will be ever be friends like we were before. He's to blame and so is she but she is out to lunch if she thinks it's a forever romance.

Third friend said she told her newly wed husband "I don't care if you cheat on me, just don't embarrass me and please be discreet." This just makes me sad. Particularly because I don't think the husband is even the cheating type but that the wife is so insecure that she would say this to her new husband and then share it.

This is all sad behavior in my opinion. OP, it might be difficult to confront your friend, but you should be honest with her and tell her how you feel. I would cancel that trip to the Cape!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to say I totally understand OPs inner turmoil. Here is a friend who obviously does not share her same moral code, she now knows that she has breached her vows in the most offensive way possible, and OP knows the husband well enough to consider him a friend this puts her in really bad position.
I say that this friend was selfish and wrong to confide in OP not thinking about how it would affect her and her relationship with them as a couple.Very inconsiderate in my eyes. I would cancel the trip if you are that uncomfortable.
I am sure (just a guess) that she also probably feels a bit uncomfortable with WHO she had this affair with, a young man half her age. Kinda weird if you ask me. She should have kept it to herself.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It would be the end of the friendship for me. This is a very pro-cheating board so you will mostly get that perspective but if someone will cheat and lie and betray to their spouse, who knows what they will do to me. I look for friends who have integrity and character - like honesty, loyalty, etc and someone who cheats is void of those things.

Lots of people have bad marriages and they don't go out and have sex with other people. People in good marriages also go out and have sex with other people. That is the result of a lack of integrity and character, not of a bad marriage.

What is the point of a true friend that you cannot confide in? It's not as though she asked her friend to help her cheat or to hang out with the boy toy.

[Anonymous]

Your friend messed up Nd feels like shit- she dragged you into her wasp nedt- not cool

[Anonymous]

When I was young I unconsciously sought out friends who did not judge. Later I realized that was a result of weakness. It wasn't that I wanted freedom to be myself. It was that I wanted to avoid the pressure of living up to anyone's expectations.

Now I have a spouse and friends with high expectations. It doesn't mean I have to be perfect, but it means I can keep striving to be better and still be supported. But that comes with a price. If I had an affair I wouldn't confide in my friends because that' a terrible situation to put them in, unless I did it with the expectation they would expect me to try to do the right thing - tell my spouse, seek counseling, whatever.

The friend here knows she put OP in an unfair situation. She knows what she did is wrong (calling it a revelation or an awakening or whatever doesn't make it less wrong). If she doesn't expect OP will expect her to do the right thing, they have made the wrong kind of friendship for this.

[Anonymous]

From my experience, your friendship is over. I've had a friend confess something to me, and it created an awkwardness between us, and we drifted apart by her choice. Same thing happened with my husband and one of his friends. I try to stay out of other people's personal secrets now, but for some reason, people like to confide in me.

[Anonymous]

Sorry she put you in this position, OP. Given her treatment of her husband and you, you're better off without her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, please ask, no, beg, Jeff to delete your posts describing your "friend's" situation. You have just outed her to the world. Not just to her husband if he, or any of his friends' wives, read this, but also to the general community!

Oh, please.
Now this is being overly dramatic. Do you really think that many people read DCUM?

NP. Well, she mentioned the Cape too. It's a lot of unnecessary identifying information.
Which means this is all made up anyway, or OP really has an axe to grind with her friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was young I unconsciously sought out friends who did not judge. Later I realized that was a result of weakness. It wasn't that I wanted freedom to be myself. It was that I wanted to avoid the pressure of living up to anyone's expectations.

Now I have a spouse and friends with high expectations. It doesn't mean I have to be perfect, but it means I can keep striving to be better and still be supported. But that comes with a price. If I had an affair I wouldn't confide in my friends because that' a terrible situation to put them in, unless I did it with the expectation they would expect me to try to do the right thing - tell my spouse, seek counseling, whatever.

The friend here knows she put OP in an unfair situation. She knows what she did is wrong (calling it a revelation or an awakening or whatever doesn't make it less wrong). If she doesn't expect OP will expect her to do the right thing, they have made the wrong kind of friendship for this.

Life is complicated poster here. This all strikes me as rather extreme. I think the friend's mistake (aside from the affair, which we can all agree was wrong) wasn't so much in confiding in a friend as it was choosing OP as the friend to confide in. Different friends bring different things to the table. My friends are all kind, intelligent, and believe strongly in family/friends/community. But they are otherwise pretty diverse in their personalities and temperaments. I have friends that I know will just listen and comfort me when I'm flogging myself for screwing up. I have other friends that will kick me in the rear when I need it. I don't need them to make me a better person by holding me certain standards of behavior. That's my own responsibility. They do make me a better person, though, in that each one brings out my desire to have the qualities that good friends have: kindness, generosity, selflessness, availability, loyalty, ability to understand someone else's perspective.

Being a mother has really brought this home to me as I "coach" my child through the ups and downs of friendship. I abhor that "my toy is better than your toy/you're not my friend anymore/it has to be my way" behavior that goes on among the elementary school set. I squash it hard and fast and have realized that the best way to bring those lessons home to my children is to point out how I treat my friends.

[Anonymous]

I'd tell her husband. It wouldn't bother me if she told me and then her husband and is now working on her marriage...however I have exactly ZERO interest to be part of someone's disgusting lies like that. So unless her husband knows as well that would be it for me in terms of friendship. Cheating is the most disgusting thing in my book so yeah.

[Anonymous]

People are unknowable- thinking any other way is delusional.

There are people in your life right now that have gigantic secrets that would blow you away. Thefts, hit and runs, sexual assaults, fraud and deception are not limited to any particular socioeconomic stratum.

Despite being lovely, charming and well off, your friend needed a thrill and wanted to feel like a 20 year old again.
Her dalliance is relatively minor in the proper perspective.

I say good for her, I hope it was the best sex of her life; you might want to think a little bigger.

[Anonymous]

Grow up
There's your advice

[Anonymous]