When a friend confides about a really major secret and it changes things...
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Anonymous
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So someone I have been very good friends with for years (we are both in our 40's) with kids similar ages shocked me beyond belief by confessing to me the other night that she had a short term affair with a graduate student who also plays a certain sport that was instructing one of her sons. He was renting not far from them and to earn money he was coaching/teaching offering private lessons, which is how they met. She said there was a very strong mutual attraction and that it happened very suddenly and she said she felt "she had no control". He apparently has gone back home and it is over. She said she had to tell someone and I was that person. We had both had a glass of wine so she was obviously feeling a little bit more open than she normally might.
This really really shocked me. I thought I knew her so well. She is one of those "good girls", great wife and mom, just a really good person. She is very very pretty so I can see why even a twenty something year old would fall for her, she could easily be in her 30's, is a jogger so super fit, etc.....but still. I am having the hardest time getting past it. Its so strange to be in this position. I wish she never ever told me, I hate knowing because now I feel like I don't know if I can ever look at her the same. Does that sound cold and mean? Plus we are very friendly with them as couples and its just weird now knowing this information. Any advice, I sure could use it! We are supposed to be going to the Cape with them next month for a week and I am suddenly not feeling so excited anymore. |
Anonymous
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Can you ask her why she shared that with you? Did she need a confessor?
Lots of people have affairs, even "good girls. " many of them realize their mistake and go on to have even stronger marriages. maybe be less judgmental? |
Anonymous
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She said that she is feeling guilty for one, that she realized what is lacking in her own marriage (good sex according to her and way more than I needed to know) and that shes having an "awakening" and it is kind of freaking her out.
She got married at 22 while still in college so never really had a lot of other relationships where as I got married at 34 so we are in different places in that regard. But as I am not a therapist, I advised her to see one. It's kind of hard to be non judgmental when someone you think you really know well who is 43 is sleeping around with a 24 year old according to her three or four times a day! I mean come on......its not like its info you can easily forget!!!! It just makes me look at her in a different way, fair or not. |
Anonymous
| Maybe you're a little envious? I know I am . . . |
Anonymous
| I think your friend thought she could trust you and that you wouldn't judge her. It's hard when all of a sudden that good image you had sort of crumbles and you cannot see that person in the same way. However, if you consider her your good friend, I would encourage you to talk to her and tell her your feelings, etc. and continue with the friendship. We all make mistakes, even this big, but if you value her friendship you can find a way to look past her mistakes. |
Anonymous
| Ya judge less. It's not ideal. Maybe her marriage isn't ideal. Who knows. |
Anonymous
Funny to the person who said that about being jealous...ok confession, maybe a teeny tiny bit  but no I could never do that myself. But hey the way she made it sound, yea I was a little jealous even if it was just a few weeks.
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Anonymous
| Seriously, OP. How do you define a good friend? Or great friend that you've known for decades? Apparently you define that as only having fun superficial times together. She thinks you are her true God friend. That should mean being there for her in good times but also supporting her when she messes up and needs a friend. Can't you out aside how you view her and maybe help her through this? How would you help your sister or adult daughter if one of them confessed this to you? Sheesh maybe stop putting her in a box (good girl) andrealize that she is human and capable. |
Anonymous
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I can see why OP is confused. It is really hard to view someone a certain way and to trust them and then they shatter that. My sister had an affair a few years ago and it really strained our relationship, I hate what she did to her husband and eventually to the damage it did to her kids and outside relationships. Probably OP is upset that she has breached the trust of the friends husband (who OP said she is friends with too) It puts many in an uncompromising position. I mean really...given the chance with a free pass, who wouldn't' want to roll around with 20 year old stud for great sex. But there are serious ramifications, and I think OP is more sensitive to that end of the deal, which I get.
Its not just about her friend and her boy toy having hot sex, its the people she is hurting in the process. |
Anonymous
Like her husband who likely loves her and trusts her for who she is, rather than her body. Like her children, now that Mommy is a lying, cheating ho. Like her friend who is now placed in the unjust position of participating in a lie. |
Anonymous
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I think you are over sharing a bit too much of her personal info. I hope that her husband doesn't read this. Though, I guess it would serve her right.
I had a similar thing happen with someone I was very close too. Not an affair, but another moral lapse. I had to drift away. I just couldn't ever look at her the same way again. |
Anonymous
Yeah, really. Start thinking now about how you're going to deal with the aftermath of these posts. |
Anonymous
| People make mistakes, OP. She cheated on her husband, not on you. She obviously really trusts you and values your friendship or she wouldn't have told you about the affair. It sounds like she's having a midlife crisis. Be supportive. |
Anonymous
reverse the genders - would you say the same thing about a cheating husband? be supportive or dump the bastard? |
Anonymous
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I don't understand the judgment. Everyone needs to experience sex like that at least once in their lifetime.
If you can't deal, tell her it makes you uncomfortable to discuss it and move on. |