Reply to Is a cheated-on spouse better off knowing or not knowing?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I could forgive cheating but not the lying. [/quote]

I hear this trope all the time.  I'm sorry, I don't believe it for a minute...classic "it's not the crime, it's the coverup".  Sorry, bullshit.

I will take a stand on this: I think the cheated on is better off not knowing.  Period.  All that knowing does is hurt them, badly.  This is why the women who do it to "create a crisis" and leave (classic move, BTW, happens all the time, one way or another) - they know it will be intolerable to the partner, [i]and drive the partner to dump them or stop trying to hold the marriage together.[/i]  If you want a divorce, or to leave, you can just say and do that...you don't have to inflict harm or cause extra drama.

Men generally cheat because they want some strange, or they want some validation.  Most say they didn't feel appreciated at home - and most don't mean their dick isn't being appreciated enough.  If it's not plain old variety seeking, in which case they have no desire to leave or end the marriage - they might even be happy, then it's because there is an issue in the marriage.  It's not that they aren't getting BJs or whatever, it's that they aren't getting affection or aren't getting any emotional validation from their partner.  The answer here, again, is to leave the relationship, and to do so citing the real issue, not hitting some nuclear self-destruct button.

People know full damn well that some kinds of "lying" are essential grease to a relationship - harsh "truth" is often used as an excuse to be mean to your partner.  "Do I look fat in this dress?"  C'mon...this is basic stuff.

Do people [i]want to be lied to[/i]?  Of course not.  Do they want to be cheated on?  Of course not.  Do you want your ass to look big in that dress?

I cheated on my first wife, after the marriage had really fallen apart - I was just waiting until the right moment to leave, and had long since given up fighting the tar baby over our issues (which largely included getting my sexual desires met).  Telling her I was leaving was plenty hurtful.  There was no need to say "yeah, I've cheated on you for a year a couple of years back", so she could kick me out...ridiculous.  I manned up and said "I'm tired of living with someone who is depressed and negative, constantly, and at most give me 'duty' sex.".  Yes, that's why I cheated...telling about the cheating?  For what?  To further humiliate my ex?

Similarly, if you haven't been caught and you've decided to stop the affair and stick around in the marriage...then don't tell..just stop doing the bad thing.  Yes, they, and the relationship, are most unequivocally better off.  Cheating sucks, I'd never do that again - it was a miserable soul-crushing way to live.  I was hugely relieved when I stopped.  Just asking for a divorce was harsh enough.

No, ignorance is bliss.  If my wife ever cheats on me, I don't want to know...if she really wants out, I want her to tell me "it's not you, it's me" and leave.  I'm gonna feel like crap and abandoned and generally horrible.  I don't need insult on top of injury.  If she doesn't want out, easier to forgive and live in trust if I don't know.  [/quote]

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