How do you deal with friends having affairs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My response would depend a lot on my relationship with the husband (weird you don't mention him much). If he was a close friend as well, I'd tell my friend she needs to come clean or I will. I would not keep a secret like this from a close friend.

If you're more like friendly acquaintances with the husband, I'd just mind my business.

You are misgendering

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With any close friend, I would be able to say “listen, people are speculating that you are sleeping with X. You might want to dial back how much you interact with this person. And just so you know, X mooned me while wasted at the last party (or whatever he did), so you might want to consider whether you even want to be friends with X. I have no interest in interacting with X and he won’t be on any invite list I’m in charge of.”

This what I was insinuating in my earlier post about being a person of integrity. But OP doesn't actually have any interest in actually acting like a friend to this person. A true friend would alert her friend to the rumors AND the bad behavior of the rumored affair partner. She won't, because she's afraid of being cut out of the entire social circle. It's clear this person isn't actually someone she cares about.

Oh, and OP, no one is saying you should accuse the friend. Informing her that the TEENAGED CHILDREN have observed her behavior is actually important, and that's not the same thing as accusing her of anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I ended a friendship because my friend was cheating repeatedly on her husband. She kept saying when the kids are out of the house, she would divorce and I held on. But when that didn't happen, I ended my friendship with her.

I have to be honest, part of the reason was jealousy for me because I am a divorced woman trying to find a good partner and it is very tough out there. Meanwhile, she gets all the benefits of being a wife and having an amazing love life on the side... not fair! And when I shared my dismay with her about my efforts, she would make me feel bad by stating how easy it was for her to find all these amazing guys or she would tell me that it was hopeless for me because there are no good guys out there.

Anyway, I am glad that I ended that friendship because it wasn't serving me.

She was less critical of men because she was already married

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Those teens are feeling their chemistry— I’m sure it is palpable. Don’t lie to your kids

I can't, they are old enough to have their own opinions and also distance themselves. They don't want to distance from their friends, it's not their fault. It's adults screwing things up, and a sad adult like myself caught in the middle inadvertently and not handling this burden well.

Why are you respoonsible for handling a burden here? The. Kids. Can. Get. Together. Under their own steam. They aren't little kids. Meanwhile you can stop being caught in the middle by removing this woman from your life. If this is a case of "But we're in a larger social group of families that do things together" etc. -- you are not too old to find new friends and break out of the social circle stuff. Yes, I'm the PP from above. I just am sorry to keep hearing you sound like you feel so trapped and have to keep the relationship. You really don't have to!

Sorry if I wasn't clear, it's not just about the kids, it's about me as well. I do not want to break the friendship that means so much to me, I just feel like my world is crushed. Especially if I have to break away from the entire circle my social life (whatever little I have) revolves around for years now. I have memories going back years, photos, trips together, going through difficult decisions together and it's just one of them, a challenge. I don't think that doing what you suggest to do will make me better psychologically. I think this will be something I will deeply regret. The "lover" may be a temporary thing and I already distanced my family from this person. Now I need to make sure my friend knows and makes a decision appropriately.

The future of their marriage or the affair shouldn't be my concern to control in any way. My burden is that my friend doesn't know about my feelings about the "lover" and why. And this is what needs addressing. If something happens and divorce is in the picture and the "lover" suddenly becomes a new spouse then it's possible that I will be the one dumped.. But in that case it will be my friend betraying me and I won't have regrets that our journey had ended.

Wow, OP. So this is the real crux of it. You are using your children’s friendships as a smokescreen for why you aren’t being honest with your friend. But really it’s all about protecting your social life. Be a person of integrity and confront your friend. Time to talk about the elephant in the room. Tell her what you have observed, and that many people have speculated that they are having an affair - including your children.

+1000

OP, unless you are able to talk to this woman face to face and frankly, you are not actually friends. Not real friends. She's part of this "social circle" you want to maintain, and all those photos and memories--how many are about actually deep stuff, shared difficulties, shared emotion?

Your posts are strongly indicating you feel you will lose your whole social circle and all friendships if you ditch this ONE person.. Asking seriously and not with criticism: Do you not have other friendships outside this particular circle?

Listen to the PP above. Have the integrity to talk to her face to face. This is eating you up or you wouldn't be here asking strangers for a read on it. You are giving this person's terrible choices a HUGE amount of your mental real estate, OP; why are you permitting that? Tell her that people are speculating she is having an affair and yes, be clear that the teenagers all believe it too. I think you won't because you're scared of her, frankly -- scared thta she will cut YOU out and maybe even separate her teens from yours, if you are honest with her. But you can have integrity, or you can have her friendship and keep the whole social circle nice and safe. While eating yourself up inside and while you model for your teens that, eh, whatever, people who cheat are fine by you. You don't mean for your kids to get that message, but they are kids, and that is how they'll read your actions. What will you choose to do?

This is why I don’t mix my friend groups

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Lord. How'd you find out? Your kids know? How old are they?

teens. I am not going to say how, and TBH I do not have proof of sexual contact, just behavior and other friends hinting on it as if they suspected. It's another reason I am not confronting the friend as I cannot accuse anyone of cheating if I do not have undeniable proof. But the "lover" did/said something that revealed things to me and in a manner traumatic to me, and it's why I didn't want to be around this person.

You sound like you love the drama, honestly.

The opposite: I hate drama. I was dragged into it and it was dramatic, I didn't ask for it. I would rather be oblivious and keep on living my life as I do not have proof of actual cheating, just people insinuating. There were things done and said that made me believe rumors might be true, but I have no proof.
All I want if I could is for things go back to normal

Nope, because if you wanted to you would just get over it. But instead you're waxing poetic and shared pictures of you and this friend. This isn't about you. Back off of it. I'm not a cheater and I think cheating is awful but it has nothing to do with you. She's not cheating on you. Either ride your high horse off into the distance or realize this is none of your business. If you want to ghost her "lover" (who talks like that?!) then go ahead. I don't like everyone I know and it's pretty easy to just...not spend time with them. You're enjoying the hand wringing and the drama but you won't admit it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like majority of posts assume cheaters have perfect marriages and cheating has been proven or admitted to. People respond with their experiences where this was the case with some being more lenient. But this one isn't a clear cut case and some replies reflect it. Disclosure is needed. If the affair is proven and admitted to and/or if family dynamics are heading towards the divorce or it's one of the examples of an open marriage (they do happen), then morality equation is different. We don't know what we don't know.

Speaking of open marriages, it's possible my friend has this arrangement. The spouse travels for work and also has a friend that we met but isn't in our circle but in the spouse's professional circle.. Ugh. I am really reluctant to make assumptions, all I want is drama out of my life, why I cut off the "lover" because of douchy behavior.. Now I need to have a hard talk with the friend to come clean about my feelings. I don't care about morality here as much because their marriage is not all that perect and I don't know half of the things that go on. Some people like to share this aspect of their lives while others do not. I am rather conservative and never discuss personal intimate details with anyone, I don't insist my friends do. This doesn't mean I have poor moral character, I am just respecting other's personal space until it intrudes into mine..

So stop thinking about it. Stop talking about it. If your kids want to discuss it with you, you can say that it's none of their business, which it isn't. Why would they stop being friends with their friends? No good reason, those kids didn't do anything.

If your kids are traumatized by something her AP did, then deal with that. The fact that that person is also her AP is a red herring. Stop conflating all the issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I judge those who are so quick to ostracize others on information received. They can't possibly know the whole story.

But then DCUM is never a good place to get mature opinions on cheating. Apparently it's worse than mass murder. No one ever discusses other forms of spousal betrayal (financial, emotional neglect, various forms of abuse) that may all lead to actual physical cheating on the part of the victim. There may be arrangements between spouses you don't know about.

I don't judge and I try to keep an open mind.

Thank you, this is the same mind frame I am coming from. I don't judge the friend not knowing 100% what's going on, I do judge the "lover" because of things done/said that were traumatic for me and my kids. Hence this person is out of my circle. But my friend needs to know why and I need to discuss this or the toxic buildup will destroy the friendship anyway but in a more painful way.

Why does this have anything to do with the fact that she's cheating with this guy?

If Tom acts like an a-hole and I don't want to be around him anymore, I tell Jane that. Jane happens to be sleeping with Tom, but that's not why I don't want to be around him anymore. Honestly, what do you do for a living? Your problem-solving skills are really lacking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Lord. How'd you find out? Your kids know? How old are they?

teens. I am not going to say how, and TBH I do not have proof of sexual contact, just behavior and other friends hinting on it as if they suspected. It's another reason I am not confronting the friend as I cannot accuse anyone of cheating if I do not have undeniable proof. But the "lover" did/said something that revealed things to me and in a manner traumatic to me, and it's why I didn't want to be around this person.

You sound like you love the drama, honestly.

The opposite: I hate drama. I was dragged into it and it was dramatic, I didn't ask for it. I would rather be oblivious and keep on living my life as I do not have proof of actual cheating, just people insinuating. There were things done and said that made me believe rumors might be true, but I have no proof.
All I want if I could is for things go back to normal

Uh… wut? You have zero proof. This whole thread is moot. People flirt, do things you might not, but that doesn’t mean they have cheated. You absolutely love drama because you made this thread when you have no proof. The answer is, get your own life so you don’t think about your friend’s so much.

+1000

[Anonymous]

In college, my roommate was cheating on her longterm boyfriend with a new guy. She would have sex in her room with the boyfriend, he’d leave, and later the other guy would come over. I said I couldn’t deal with the duplicity that was expected of me - it was my house too, how could I pretend to act normal around the boyfriend? The new guy knew about the boyfriend, but the boyfriend didn’t know about the new guy. She thought I was judgmental and brought in a lot of other traits about me which was hurtful. We got in a big fight and didn’t talk for 3 months as roommates. She was not invited to our other roommate’s wedding years later, despite them being friends. I think it was due to the past cheating stuff.

She ended up dating and marrying the new guy and they have been together since college. She told me I was right all along.

Anyway, my advice would be to be straight with your friend if she is open to feedback, but otherwise just mind your own business and stay out of it for your own mental health.

[Anonymous]

All I would care about is my kids. What burden they may feel and what lessons they’re getting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I ended a friendship because my friend was cheating repeatedly on her husband. She kept saying when the kids are out of the house, she would divorce and I held on. But when that didn't happen, I ended my friendship with her.

I have to be honest, part of the reason was jealousy for me because I am a divorced woman trying to find a good partner and it is very tough out there. Meanwhile, she gets all the benefits of being a wife and having an amazing love life on the side... not fair! And when I shared my dismay with her about my efforts, she would make me feel bad by stating how easy it was for her to find all these amazing guys or she would tell me that it was hopeless for me because there are no good guys out there.

Anyway, I am glad that I ended that friendship because it wasn't serving me.

Why do women blab endlessly about their affairs to one another? Men don’t do this.

I know guys who have cheated, but they don’t talk about it. It only comes out post-divorce or breakup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex husband had an affair and lost almost all of his long term friends

Because the other wives banned them from hanging out with your ex-DH. Divorce is seen as “contagious” by married women.

Cheating married women don’t suffer the same fate. In fact, most of them don’t even end up divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex husband had an affair and lost almost all of his long term friends

Do men actually have long-term friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I judge those who are so quick to ostracize others on information received. They can't possibly know the whole story.

But then DCUM is never a good place to get mature opinions on cheating. Apparently it's worse than mass murder. No one ever discusses other forms of spousal betrayal (financial, emotional neglect, various forms of abuse) that may all lead to actual physical cheating on the part of the victim. There may be arrangements between spouses you don't know about.

I don't judge and I try to keep an open mind.

Thank you for this. So eloquently put what I was trying to convey to some of the black and white thinkers here and IRL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With any close friend, I would be able to say “listen, people are speculating that you are sleeping with X. You might want to dial back how much you interact with this person. And just so you know, X mooned me while wasted at the last party (or whatever he did), so you might want to consider whether you even want to be friends with X. I have no interest in interacting with X and he won’t be on any invite list I’m in charge of.”

This, the above, is your script, OP.

This script also informs her without judging (at least not out loud; you have every right to judge in your mind. I do. But you won't get her attention if she feels judged, when you're trying to get her to listen rather than switch off).

The one thing this post above doesn't address is the fact that the friend's own teens apparently are aware of, or at least have been speculating about (?), their mom's cheating. At least, that's what I got from the sometimes meandering details re: OP's teens and her friend's teens. I'd add to the above just one sentence: "You should also be aware that your kids are among the people speculating about you and X."

All kind of moot, though, since you seem to fear losing your social life if you dare deal with this. But the key here is, this woman and you are not actually close friends, if you cannot just say to her face what the PP above wrote.