How do you deal with friends having affairs?

[Anonymous]

Has OP come back and said she had actual proof? Because I recall a few pages back that OP HAS NO ACTUAL PROOF and she's just a nosy fool with too much time on her hands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not prevalent in any of our friend circles and cultural groups.

I would probably drop the friend who cheats?

Wouldn't want to associate with such a person because in our groups, I would be judged for having such a friend.

You're kidding, right? It is precisely these particular cultural groups that probably have the highest percentage of quiet cheaters.

Quite cheaters? No one will ever know? Families won’t break? Impeccable behavior at all times otherwise? Carries the secret to the grave? No ripples in the fabric of space and time?

I am a-ok with it.

So you ARE fine with people who cheat. You just don't want to know about it.

Quite the about face from your prior post. Hope you didn't get whiplash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've had friends who cheated on their spouses (and shared that info with me).

I've also had friends in open relationships where they and their spouse both date outside their marriage.

I'm old, so I'm looking at like 30 years of experiences have friends who are married, and I've thought a lot about the ethics and implications of situations like this and what makes sense for me, based on personal experiences. Here's what I've learned for me:

- I'll never lie for a cheating friend or do anything to support their cheating. Their AP is not welcome in my home or life, and I distance immediately if I become aware of an affair. Partly because I don't want to be a party to the betrayal of their spouse, and partly because I think people in the mindset of cheating (which is something people like to justify to themselves a variety of ways) are apt to behave unethically in other relationships as well.

- But I have welcomed friends back after the cheating ended via divorce. People can change and do better. I have one friend who destroyed her marriage with an affair, then had the relationship with the AP blow up, then later settled down with a new marriage and a baby and just generally figured her stuff out. We are now very close. She made a mistake in marrying her first husband, and in cheating on him, and in her choice of AP. But she learned and will never make those mistakes again. I trust her as a friend.

This is the part that might piss some people off, though:

- Open marriages suck for friends of the couple. It creates logistical complications that impose a burden on friends, and as a result I now also distance from most friends who open their relationships.

- The only time the open marriage doesn't become problematic is when the couple fully compartmentalizes the outside relationships. I do have one friend in an open marriage whose boyfriend lives in another state and she just visits him periodically. Her husband knows and everyone is consenting. It doesn't impact me because the BF is elsewhere, so it's not a big deal.

- But in every other situation, it creates problems. For instance, when a friend wanted to bring her BF to my wedding instead of her husband, but my spouse and I didn't know her BF and actually wanted her husband there. There have also been multiple situations where the open relationship was consensual at first but led to conflict later (usually because one spouse was becoming very emotionally involved with someone else, or due to the amount of time the side relationships took away from the marriage and household, especially with kids). So then you are dealing with friends who are upset with each other but still married and that drama. It just sucks.

- I have personally never had a friend in an open marriage that was actually drama free. I've gotten to the point where I just think people who are interested in polyamory or ENM are drama-seeking and not really the right people for me to be friends with. I'm middle aged and these arrangements just feel like teen/20-something immaturity to me. I think that's actually part of the appeal. Live and let live but keep it far away from me. Good luck.

As a 50 year old woman who has seen a lot of friends with a lot of situations, I think this is spot on.

I would also add that most of the couples I've seen open their marriages have eventually ended up divorced or with lots of drama, and their kids are a disaster. One couple that I would have said led a very happy family a decade ago now have lost one child to suicide and the other now adult children are no longer speaking to either of them. It really messes with the kids' sense of safety to have mom and dad running around with other people, so incredibly selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not prevalent in any of our friend circles and cultural groups.

I would probably drop the friend who cheats?

Wouldn't want to associate with such a person because in our groups, I would be judged for having such a friend.

You're kidding, right? It is precisely these particular cultural groups that probably have the highest percentage of quiet cheaters.

I disagree. Mainly because there is a lot of exposure and lots of eyeballs on you. You cannot be a recluse in my cultural group. You have to show up for all kinds of events as a family, you have to reciprocate and entertain a lot, people are in your business, you have to be high achieving, both parents have to be present for children EC because that is how you are socializing, men and women don’t hang out without their spouses. The opportunity to cheat within the group is hard.

And people snitch and inform big time - they will tell you if they saw your spouse and your kids somewhere and how they were behaving. People don’t take offense to it. Just the other day, I saw my neighbor’s son drive rashly. I immediately called his parents and told them. It is not seen as snitching but as looking out for their children. But then this is my cultural group. Can you imagine doing this with majority culture?

I assume the cultural group is southeast asian? Lots of things going right in that community.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If someone will lie to their spouse, and sneak around the back of their spouse/kids/parents, imagine what they will do to you if they feel it is necessary?

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Affairs are exciting. Lets be honest. Anytime married people of the opposite sex have an attraction that must be kept inside it creates sexual tension. That is your mind and body want it. Best to avoid temptation if you can

I would not claim to know the excitement of an affair because I avoid the temptation with personal boundaries and a functioning moral compass. Unfortunately, my STBX WW was not strong in either department. She destroyed many relationships for the “high”. The relationships that she still has knew about the affair and helped her get away with it because they were having affairs of their own. Birds of a feather flock together, I would rather have people in my life that understand the difference between right and wrong.

+100 cheaters hang with other cheaters or those w/out morals/empathy. Poor character traits.

My dude, the vast majority of people never ever tell their friends. You seem naive.

Not the PP that you are responding to, but naive would be believing a person who cheats on their spouse and lies to everyone in their life would not betray you as your “friend”. The situation was complex and difficult prior to cheating, after cheating they now have multiple complex and difficult situations. If you don’t know who they are it does not make you naive, it means you are deceived and manipulated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Affairs are exciting. Lets be honest. Anytime married people of the opposite sex have an attraction that must be kept inside it creates sexual tension. That is your mind and body want it. Best to avoid temptation if you can

I would not claim to know the excitement of an affair because I avoid the temptation with personal boundaries and a functioning moral compass. Unfortunately, my STBX WW was not strong in either department. She destroyed many relationships for the “high”. The relationships that she still has knew about the affair and helped her get away with it because they were having affairs of their own. Birds of a feather flock together, I would rather have people in my life that understand the difference between right and wrong.

+100 cheaters hang with other cheaters or those w/out morals/empathy. Poor character traits.

My dude, the vast majority of people never ever tell their friends. You seem naive.

Not the PP that you are responding to, but naive would be believing a person who cheats on their spouse and lies to everyone in their life would not betray you as your “friend”. The situation was complex and difficult prior to cheating, after cheating they now have multiple complex and difficult situations. If you don’t know who they are it does not make you naive, it means you are deceived and manipulated.

What are these friendship betrayals you keep talking about? What are they going to do, cheat on your friendship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Affairs are exciting. Lets be honest. Anytime married people of the opposite sex have an attraction that must be kept inside it creates sexual tension. That is your mind and body want it. Best to avoid temptation if you can

I would not claim to know the excitement of an affair because I avoid the temptation with personal boundaries and a functioning moral compass. Unfortunately, my STBX WW was not strong in either department. She destroyed many relationships for the “high”. The relationships that she still has knew about the affair and helped her get away with it because they were having affairs of their own. Birds of a feather flock together, I would rather have people in my life that understand the difference between right and wrong.

+100 cheaters hang with other cheaters or those w/out morals/empathy. Poor character traits.

My dude, the vast majority of people never ever tell their friends. You seem naive.

Not the PP that you are responding to, but naive would be believing a person who cheats on their spouse and lies to everyone in their life would not betray you as your “friend”. The situation was complex and difficult prior to cheating, after cheating they now have multiple complex and difficult situations. If you don’t know who they are it does not make you naive, it means you are deceived and manipulated.

What are these friendship betrayals you keep talking about? What are they going to do, cheat on your friendship?

DP. Is this a joke? There’s like a thousand things an untrustworthy liar can do to harm someone. Make a pass at your spouse, tell a secret, use something told in confidence for some sort of selfish benefit, be unreliable. And also you have logistics around the affair what I’d the spurned lover finds out and you’re at the wrong place at the wrong time? Etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Affairs are exciting. Lets be honest. Anytime married people of the opposite sex have an attraction that must be kept inside it creates sexual tension. That is your mind and body want it. Best to avoid temptation if you can

I would not claim to know the excitement of an affair because I avoid the temptation with personal boundaries and a functioning moral compass. Unfortunately, my STBX WW was not strong in either department. She destroyed many relationships for the “high”. The relationships that she still has knew about the affair and helped her get away with it because they were having affairs of their own. Birds of a feather flock together, I would rather have people in my life that understand the difference between right and wrong.

+100 cheaters hang with other cheaters or those w/out morals/empathy. Poor character traits.

My dude, the vast majority of people never ever tell their friends. You seem naive.

Not the PP that you are responding to, but naive would be believing a person who cheats on their spouse and lies to everyone in their life would not betray you as your “friend”. The situation was complex and difficult prior to cheating, after cheating they now have multiple complex and difficult situations. If you don’t know who they are it does not make you naive, it means you are deceived and manipulated.

What are these friendship betrayals you keep talking about? What are they going to do, cheat on your friendship?

DP. Is this a joke? There’s like a thousand things an untrustworthy liar can do to harm someone. Make a pass at your spouse, tell a secret, use something told in confidence for some sort of selfish benefit, be unreliable. And also you have logistics around the affair what I’d the spurned lover finds out and you’re at the wrong place at the wrong time? Etc.

Are you a joke? I think you have a really naive/immature view of what a cheater is. But anyway, carry on, I'm not going to argue with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Affairs are exciting. Lets be honest. Anytime married people of the opposite sex have an attraction that must be kept inside it creates sexual tension. That is your mind and body want it. Best to avoid temptation if you can

I would not claim to know the excitement of an affair because I avoid the temptation with personal boundaries and a functioning moral compass. Unfortunately, my STBX WW was not strong in either department. She destroyed many relationships for the “high”. The relationships that she still has knew about the affair and helped her get away with it because they were having affairs of their own. Birds of a feather flock together, I would rather have people in my life that understand the difference between right and wrong.

+100 cheaters hang with other cheaters or those w/out morals/empathy. Poor character traits.

My dude, the vast majority of people never ever tell their friends. You seem naive.

Not the PP that you are responding to, but naive would be believing a person who cheats on their spouse and lies to everyone in their life would not betray you as your “friend”. The situation was complex and difficult prior to cheating, after cheating they now have multiple complex and difficult situations. If you don’t know who they are it does not make you naive, it means you are deceived and manipulated.

What are these friendship betrayals you keep talking about? What are they going to do, cheat on your friendship?

DP. Is this a joke? There’s like a thousand things an untrustworthy liar can do to harm someone. Make a pass at your spouse, tell a secret, use something told in confidence for some sort of selfish benefit, be unreliable. And also you have logistics around the affair what I’d the spurned lover finds out and you’re at the wrong place at the wrong time? Etc.

Yep. Backstabbers and gossips

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't care. It's not like they are sleeping with your spouse, correct?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't care. It's not like they are sleeping with your spouse, correct?

Would you trust leaving your spouse with them?? Some women just give you the gut instinct…they aren’t part of the sisterhood. I had a roommate in a group house that banged her best friend’s BF. I walked in on it in the main room. She did this kind of stuff often. She wouldn’t guess it about her. She appeared nice and put together. She was chubby/fat so I think it stemmed from insecurity and poor self-esteem which is true of most APs/OW I’ve known about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't care. It's not like they are sleeping with your spouse, correct?

Would you trust leaving your spouse with them?? Some women just give you the gut instinct…they aren’t part of the sisterhood. I had a roommate in a group house that banged her best friend’s BF. I walked in on it in the main room. She did this kind of stuff often. She wouldn’t guess it about her. She appeared nice and put together. She was chubby/fat so I think it stemmed from insecurity and poor self-esteem which is true of most APs/OW I’ve known about.

+100 I had a “friend” like this. She openly would flirt with my husband. She once grabbed his nuts in front of a patio full of people when drunk. We cut her off- went no contact. Later other friends said they always thought she had a thing for my spouse. She ended up alienating a lot of people with her web of lies…oh and a decade later her husband divorced her for…..cheating. She had a perfectly curated life/image for about a decade—the walls caved in on her eventually.

[Anonymous]

I probably am friends with someone who’s had an affair and just don’t know it. I’m not judging others, marriage is long and incredibly complicated as are most people. That being said, I’m not going to be the one to vent to about affair dynamics. I wish happiness for my friends and ideally I’d like them to have it in a healthy way but at this point in my life (50s) that is a very uncommon occurrence. Most people struggle with a lot of stuff in long marriages.

[Anonymous]

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