How do you deal with friends having affairs?

[Anonymous]

I accidentally found out my close friend I know for decades is having an affair, I know the lover who is from our friend's circle. I am not sure how to handle it logistically as I am compelled to distance myself from this and withdraw. I don't want to play the game, the family is close to us and we hang out a lot. The "lover" is also a part of our bigger friend circle.. Which makes things awkward and psychologically draining for me and the older kids who know what's going on.

I decided boundaries are needed, I ghosted the "lover" and excluded from any gatherings. I don't know how to bring this up to the friend and I definitely do not want to meddle into their family life, it's a burden and I don't really know how to get it off my chest. am I being selfish? I just don't have mental and psychological strength to deal with it as I am having a lot of other things in my life and on my plate dragging me down..

[Anonymous]

I think it's fine to opt out. They chose to create difficulty in the friend group and choices have consequences.

Since the kids know, the situation is likely unstable and will be volatile.

[Anonymous]

I am a male and I found my best friend of 20 years, female, was cheating on her DH. I completely cut her out of my life. I didn’t even like her husband. It is trashy behavior and not the type of people I want to associate with,

[Anonymous]

Do the right thing. Ostracize the lover and tell the friend “when you are done, I’m here”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's fine to opt out. They chose to create difficulty in the friend group and choices have consequences.

Since the kids know, the situation is likely unstable and will be volatile.

Thank you. I don't know where to take it. I had been acting like nothing had happened and I know nothing.. We had been hanging out and our kids are friends and also know.. I feel like it's burdening me. I just never brought it up to the friend. I deliberately avoided the contact with the "lover" since I found out.

[Anonymous]

I would drop the cheater.

[Anonymous]

My response would depend a lot on my relationship with the husband (weird you don't mention him much). If he was a close friend as well, I'd tell my friend she needs to come clean or I will. I would not keep a secret like this from a close friend.

If you're more like friendly acquaintances with the husband, I'd just mind my business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My response would depend a lot on my relationship with the husband (weird you don't mention him much). If he was a close friend as well, I'd tell my friend she needs to come clean or I will. I would not keep a secret like this from a close friend.

If you're more like friendly acquaintances with the husband, I'd just mind my business.

It's the latter situation. While I am close with the friend, I am not really close with the spouse. Our kids are close friends and I cannot break things up

[Anonymous]

My ex husband had an affair and lost almost all of his long term friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My response would depend a lot on my relationship with the husband (weird you don't mention him much). If he was a close friend as well, I'd tell my friend she needs to come clean or I will. I would not keep a secret like this from a close friend.

If you're more like friendly acquaintances with the husband, I'd just mind my business.

It's the latter situation. While I am close with the friend, I am not really close with the spouse. Our kids are close friends and I cannot break things up

Then your choice is to carry on as if you don’t know.

[Anonymous]

Friend 1 told her we couldn’t hang out until she ended it.

Friend 2 found out she was using me as an alibi when she was with her user and abuser. I cut her off, but I don’t think she really care. She was a stay at her mom. She lost the house, custody of the children, and was forced to move into a one bedroom apartment.. sad.

Friend 3 lives pretty far away so I wasn’t around for the bulk of it. When I found out, obviously I told her she was an idiot, but her husband forgive her so what am I to do? She ended up doing years of therapy and she’s getting better.

I have another friend who cheats but I’ve never gotten full concrete evidence. She’s more like a one night stand at conferences type girl since I’m not completely positive. I haven’t done anything about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's fine to opt out. They chose to create difficulty in the friend group and choices have consequences.

Since the kids know, the situation is likely unstable and will be volatile.

Thank you. I don't know where to take it. I had been acting like nothing had happened and I know nothing.. We had been hanging out and our kids are friends and also know.. I feel like it's burdening me. I just never brought it up to the friend. I deliberately avoided the contact with the "lover" since I found out.

Secrets are so draining, especially when you are not the one who wants to keep them.

I feel like this friendship is going to exhaust you. I get it.

[Anonymous]

Tap OUT

[Anonymous]

Just because your friend lacks integrity doesn’t mean you need to do the same, OP.

[Anonymous]

Lord. How'd you find out? Your kids know? How old are they?