How do you deal with friends having affairs?

[Anonymous]

I’d cut both of them off. No explanation needed. Just block them now.

[Anonymous]

If someone will lie to their spouse, and sneak around the back of their spouse/kids/parents, imagine what they will do to you if they feel it is necessary?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yall are so melodramatic. Get out of other people’s bedrooms. Your kids are friends; let them play. Teach your kids not to gossip about ish that has nothing to do with them

Ah yes everyone including innocent kids must make the lying cheaters comfortable and keep their lies a secret.

[Anonymous]

I would distance myself for now from the friend. I say “for now” bc you’ve only cut AP off already so maybe part of you doesn’t want to cut her out of your life forever

Remind yourself that it’s HER job to tell her DH. You want DH to hear about it from her, not you.

Keeping your distance is also practical measure. When things hit the fan, she’ll be texting and calling her closest friend 24/7 about and that won’t be you. It’s ok to occasionally listen, say you’re sorry and that really really sucks, and let her talk about what she thought was wrong w the relationship w DH, that she thought she was truly in love w AP etc. You DONT have to imply that you approve of her behavior etc

If you can, when it all blows up, maybe try to be there for *her kids* and offer a sheltering place to hang out, do homework, have dinner. For her kids sake and yours, since they’re friends. I’d be mentally saving my energy for this part. I’d also have to think carefully about what not to say (you could just stick with the fact that you’re really sad and they’re welcome at your place). Don’t say anything that can be remembered later as you judging, hating, or manipulating their relationship w their mom etc. It’s possible your friend is self-centered enough that she will perceive this as you being supportive of her and that will be enough. You could even tell her that you’ll be there for her kids bc they’re such good friends w yours, but you can’t get more involved, make sure they get to a therapist etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When 2 different people in our social circle were known to be engaging in affairs I immediately cut ties with them. It sucked to lose the friendships but I couldn’t look at them the same way anymore. One was even bragging about how she bagged someone else’s husband after a year’s campaign, like it was some great prize.

What if instead she had been contrite and apologetic and said she didn't know what had possessed her to do that?

You sound like the people who cut their Trumper relatives off. You cut them off because they're awful people, not solely because they voted for Trump, although some people seem to have a really hard time understanding that distinction. Sounds like you cut these friends off because they were obnoxious, not solely because they cheated.

I will cut people off solely for cheating. It’s a non-negotiable red line for me. I’ve seen the horrible fallout of infidelity first-hand in my parents generation and I don’t need to tolerate that.

Ha, ok. Be sure your friends know that so they don't accidentally slip up and tell you about it.

That’s fine, plenty of people on this planet if I lose a friend or 2.

Whoosh

The point was that you do have friends who are cheating or have cheated but they never told you about it. You act like you can discern who is a cheater and who is not and I promise you cannot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not prevalent in any of our friend circles and cultural groups.

I would probably drop the friend who cheats?

Wouldn't want to associate with such a person because in our groups, I would be judged for having such a friend.

You're kidding, right? It is precisely these particular cultural groups that probably have the highest percentage of quiet cheaters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not prevalent in any of our friend circles and cultural groups.

I would probably drop the friend who cheats?

Wouldn't want to associate with such a person because in our groups, I would be judged for having such a friend.

You're kidding, right? It is precisely these particular cultural groups that probably have the highest percentage of quiet cheaters.

Quite cheaters? No one will ever know? Families won’t break? Impeccable behavior at all times otherwise? Carries the secret to the grave? No ripples in the fabric of space and time?

I am a-ok with it.

[Anonymous]

I've had friends who cheated on their spouses (and shared that info with me).

I've also had friends in open relationships where they and their spouse both date outside their marriage.

I'm old, so I'm looking at like 30 years of experiences have friends who are married, and I've thought a lot about the ethics and implications of situations like this and what makes sense for me, based on personal experiences. Here's what I've learned for me:

- I'll never lie for a cheating friend or do anything to support their cheating. Their AP is not welcome in my home or life, and I distance immediately if I become aware of an affair. Partly because I don't want to be a party to the betrayal of their spouse, and partly because I think people in the mindset of cheating (which is something people like to justify to themselves a variety of ways) are apt to behave unethically in other relationships as well.

- But I have welcomed friends back after the cheating ended via divorce. People can change and do better. I have one friend who destroyed her marriage with an affair, then had the relationship with the AP blow up, then later settled down with a new marriage and a baby and just generally figured her stuff out. We are now very close. She made a mistake in marrying her first husband, and in cheating on him, and in her choice of AP. But she learned and will never make those mistakes again. I trust her as a friend.

This is the part that might piss some people off, though:

- Open marriages suck for friends of the couple. It creates logistical complications that impose a burden on friends, and as a result I now also distance from most friends who open their relationships.

- The only time the open marriage doesn't become problematic is when the couple fully compartmentalizes the outside relationships. I do have one friend in an open marriage whose boyfriend lives in another state and she just visits him periodically. Her husband knows and everyone is consenting. It doesn't impact me because the BF is elsewhere, so it's not a big deal.

- But in every other situation, it creates problems. For instance, when a friend wanted to bring her BF to my wedding instead of her husband, but my spouse and I didn't know her BF and actually wanted her husband there. There have also been multiple situations where the open relationship was consensual at first but led to conflict later (usually because one spouse was becoming very emotionally involved with someone else, or due to the amount of time the side relationships took away from the marriage and household, especially with kids). So then you are dealing with friends who are upset with each other but still married and that drama. It just sucks.

- I have personally never had a friend in an open marriage that was actually drama free. I've gotten to the point where I just think people who are interested in polyamory or ENM are drama-seeking and not really the right people for me to be friends with. I'm middle aged and these arrangements just feel like teen/20-something immaturity to me. I think that's actually part of the appeal. Live and let live but keep it far away from me. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d cut both of them off. No explanation needed. Just block them now.

+1

Your friends show your own morals

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d cut both of them off. No explanation needed. Just block them now.

+1

Your friends show your own morals

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not prevalent in any of our friend circles and cultural groups.

I would probably drop the friend who cheats?

Wouldn't want to associate with such a person because in our groups, I would be judged for having such a friend.

You're kidding, right? It is precisely these particular cultural groups that probably have the highest percentage of quiet cheaters.

I disagree. Mainly because there is a lot of exposure and lots of eyeballs on you. You cannot be a recluse in my cultural group. You have to show up for all kinds of events as a family, you have to reciprocate and entertain a lot, people are in your business, you have to be high achieving, both parents have to be present for children EC because that is how you are socializing, men and women don’t hang out without their spouses. The opportunity to cheat within the group is hard.

And people snitch and inform big time - they will tell you if they saw your spouse and your kids somewhere and how they were behaving. People don’t take offense to it. Just the other day, I saw my neighbor’s son drive rashly. I immediately called his parents and told them. It is not seen as snitching but as looking out for their children. But then this is my cultural group. Can you imagine doing this with majority culture?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've had friends who cheated on their spouses (and shared that info with me).

I've also had friends in open relationships where they and their spouse both date outside their marriage.

I'm old, so I'm looking at like 30 years of experiences have friends who are married, and I've thought a lot about the ethics and implications of situations like this and what makes sense for me, based on personal experiences. Here's what I've learned for me:

- I'll never lie for a cheating friend or do anything to support their cheating. Their AP is not welcome in my home or life, and I distance immediately if I become aware of an affair. Partly because I don't want to be a party to the betrayal of their spouse, and partly because I think people in the mindset of cheating (which is something people like to justify to themselves a variety of ways) are apt to behave unethically in other relationships as well.

- But I have welcomed friends back after the cheating ended via divorce. People can change and do better. I have one friend who destroyed her marriage with an affair, then had the relationship with the AP blow up, then later settled down with a new marriage and a baby and just generally figured her stuff out. We are now very close. She made a mistake in marrying her first husband, and in cheating on him, and in her choice of AP. But she learned and will never make those mistakes again. I trust her as a friend.

This is the part that might piss some people off, though:

- Open marriages suck for friends of the couple. It creates logistical complications that impose a burden on friends, and as a result I now also distance from most friends who open their relationships.

- The only time the open marriage doesn't become problematic is when the couple fully compartmentalizes the outside relationships. I do have one friend in an open marriage whose boyfriend lives in another state and she just visits him periodically. Her husband knows and everyone is consenting. It doesn't impact me because the BF is elsewhere, so it's not a big deal.

- But in every other situation, it creates problems. For instance, when a friend wanted to bring her BF to my wedding instead of her husband, but my spouse and I didn't know her BF and actually wanted her husband there. There have also been multiple situations where the open relationship was consensual at first but led to conflict later (usually because one spouse was becoming very emotionally involved with someone else, or due to the amount of time the side relationships took away from the marriage and household, especially with kids). So then you are dealing with friends who are upset with each other but still married and that drama. It just sucks.

- I have personally never had a friend in an open marriage that was actually drama free. I've gotten to the point where I just think people who are interested in polyamory or ENM are drama-seeking and not really the right people for me to be friends with. I'm middle aged and these arrangements just feel like teen/20-something immaturity to me. I think that's actually part of the appeal. Live and let live but keep it far away from me. Good luck.

Holy moly. What crappy pieces of humanity you know!! How do you know such a lot of depraved people? I am astounded. 😮

My kid in college had a girl in her friend group who was troubled. Product of a broken marriage, completely lost, risky behavior. My DD tried to help her but she was so horrified with the destructive behavior that continued that she had to bow out from that friendship for her own piece of mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If someone will lie to their spouse, and sneak around the back of their spouse/kids/parents, imagine what they will do to you if they feel it is necessary?

+100
This is it right here. Relationships of all kinds is all about trust. With a friend being unfaithful, that is all I need to know about their character and whether to trust them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would drop the cheater.

Yeah—why only stigmatize the woman?

[Anonymous]

They cheat, that’s on them. They eventually get caught and I’m there to tell them, “I told you so.”