How do you deal with friends having affairs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do the right thing. Ostracize the lover and tell the friend “when you are done, I’m here”

+1 You don't owe the "lover" anything, but if you call this person a "friend" you need to have a conversation directly.

"I want no part in this. You are welcome in my home, but they are not. When you're done, I'll be here and we can (try to) re-connect."

Face-to-face, not text/call.

[Anonymous]

I feel for you OP - it's an awkward situation to be in. Years ago, my friend had an affair that began before their wedding and continued. I would go to dinner and when the spouse would use the restroom, the friend would tell me all the dirty details of the continuing affair. I was mortified and had to then sit through a dinner with the unsuspecting spouse. I stopped returning calls and didn't invite this childhood friend to my wedding. This was 20 plus years ago - and years later, the couple is still together, raised a family, and retired early to travel the world. I did what I had to do and did not interfere and I'm glad I did because it somehow worked itself out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a male and I found my best friend of 20 years, female, was cheating on her DH. I completely cut her out of my life. I didn’t even like her husband. It is trashy behavior and not the type of people I want to associate with,

+1

I have zero tolerance for cheaters

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lord. How'd you find out? Your kids know? How old are they?

teens. I am not going to say how, and TBH I do not have proof of sexual contact, just behavior and other friends hinting on it as if they suspected. It's another reason I am not confronting the friend as I cannot accuse anyone of cheating if I do not have undeniable proof. But the "lover" did/said something that revealed things to me and in a manner traumatic to me, and it's why I didn't want to be around this person.

[Anonymous]

I try to stay out of it, operationally and logistically. I also do NOT judge. I know people who have deep emotional wounds and for whom that sort of cheating was a last resort, often in response to their spouse doing something equally wrong. So I do not automatically blame the visible cheater. Betrayals take many shapes and forms.

But DCUM usually knows only one form of betrayal and judges accordingly.

OP, you are not in their shoes. If I were you, I wouldn't take on this burden of judgement. You don't know what you don't know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just because your friend lacks integrity doesn’t mean you need to do the same, OP.

What do you mean "do the same"? I am not the cheater. And I don't think it's wise to interfere into their family dynamic which is for them to work out. I am also not close to the spouse to even have a conversation one on one. What do you suggest? I invite them to dinner and dish it out? Plus, there are sometimes cases where there is an "agreement" between the spouses. There is no way for me to know.

[Anonymous]

I would not stop being friends with a close friend because they cheated. I never cheated in my 20 year marriage, but people make mistakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel for you OP - it's an awkward situation to be in. Years ago, my friend had an affair that began before their wedding and continued. I would go to dinner and when the spouse would use the restroom, the friend would tell me all the dirty details of the continuing affair. I was mortified and had to then sit through a dinner with the unsuspecting spouse. I stopped returning calls and didn't invite this childhood friend to my wedding. This was 20 plus years ago - and years later, the couple is still together, raised a family, and retired early to travel the world. I did what I had to do and did not interfere and I'm glad I did because it somehow worked itself out.

This is why I am not interfering. The friend and the "lover" had been close for some time, and I suspect the spouse may know or at least suspect things? Or is staying deliberately clueless. I always denied the rumors as I am a person who doesn't believe it until I see it and prefer concrete proof. Also family dynamics are complicated and even with close friends sometimes what we see is a tip of an iceberg. A lot may be going on. I just cut off the "lover" and also because of the actions of this specific person

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I try to stay out of it, operationally and logistically. I also do NOT judge. I know people who have deep emotional wounds and for whom that sort of cheating was a last resort, often in response to their spouse doing something equally wrong. So I do not automatically blame the visible cheater. Betrayals take many shapes and forms.

But DCUM usually knows only one form of betrayal and judges accordingly.

OP, you are not in their shoes. If I were you, I wouldn't take on this burden of judgement. You don't know what you don't know.

This is very wise. I suspect there are more things going on and why passing a judgement or disowning a close friend is not the way to go IMHO. What we see about other's private lives is a tip of an iceberg. But I feel a burden weighing me down and I need my friend to know why the "lover" is no longer invited and I and my teens don't want to be around this person. I felt wronged by the "lover" (it wasn't directed towards me, but it was ugly to witness) and concerned my teens witnessed it too, which caused tension in my own family.. I think the friend needs to know even though it may be hurtful and not pleasant..

I am debating if I have to suck it up and just ghost the "lover" and have the friend "figure it out", or come clean and say why..

[Anonymous]

If the teens know it will all cost me out soon. I would cut her off so you don’t end up dragged in as collateral damage.

[Anonymous]

Tough position, OP. Unfortunately you have the burden of holding this secret as it’s not your place to intervene.

I think you’ve done the right thing to make things as comfortable for yourself as possible - cut the lover out to avoid interactions with both, and proceed as usual with your friend right now, if you can. Unless you want to cut them out too, which is not going to change the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tap OUT

+1. Do your kids know but her kids don’t know? I would definitely separate from that family. That’s too much for your kids to hold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I try to stay out of it, operationally and logistically. I also do NOT judge. I know people who have deep emotional wounds and for whom that sort of cheating was a last resort, often in response to their spouse doing something equally wrong. So I do not automatically blame the visible cheater. Betrayals take many shapes and forms.

But DCUM usually knows only one form of betrayal and judges accordingly.

OP, you are not in their shoes. If I were you, I wouldn't take on this burden of judgement. You don't know what you don't know.

This is very wise. I suspect there are more things going on and why passing a judgement or disowning a close friend is not the way to go IMHO. What we see about other's private lives is a tip of an iceberg. But I feel a burden weighing me down and I need my friend to know why the "lover" is no longer invited and I and my teens don't want to be around this person. I felt wronged by the "lover" (it wasn't directed towards me, but it was ugly to witness) and concerned my teens witnessed it too, which caused tension in my own family.. I think the friend needs to know even though it may be hurtful and not pleasant..

I am debating if I have to suck it up and just ghost the "lover" and have the friend "figure it out", or come clean and say why..

Your job here is to make sure your children don’t get stuck carrying someone else’s secret. Everything else is noise.

[Anonymous]

Stay out of it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I try to stay out of it, operationally and logistically. I also do NOT judge. I know people who have deep emotional wounds and for whom that sort of cheating was a last resort, often in response to their spouse doing something equally wrong. So I do not automatically blame the visible cheater. Betrayals take many shapes and forms.

But DCUM usually knows only one form of betrayal and judges accordingly.

OP, you are not in their shoes. If I were you, I wouldn't take on this burden of judgement. You don't know what you don't know.

This is very wise. I suspect there are more things going on and why passing a judgement or disowning a close friend is not the way to go IMHO. What we see about other's private lives is a tip of an iceberg. But I feel a burden weighing me down and I need my friend to know why the "lover" is no longer invited and I and my teens don't want to be around this person. I felt wronged by the "lover" (it wasn't directed towards me, but it was ugly to witness) and concerned my teens witnessed it too, which caused tension in my own family.. I think the friend needs to know even though it may be hurtful and not pleasant..

I am debating if I have to suck it up and just ghost the "lover" and have the friend "figure it out", or come clean and say why..

Your job here is to make sure your children don’t get stuck carrying someone else’s secret. Everything else is noise.

NP. +1

OP, If your own teen kids know this, imagine the message it sends to them if they think you know and still are friends with your old friend who is cheating. I know DCUM will say, people "make mistakes" etc., but frankly, you cannot really separate a friend from the friend's behaviors, and her lover did something you found "traumatic" (your own term earlier) and did it in front of your own children. This is the person your old friend has chosen to cheat with, which reflects on your friend very, very badly, to me.

You've mentioned more than once that the lover "wronged" you and did something in an ugly way, and you also mentioned in the very first post that you have a lot on your plate right now, beyond this affair.

I think you're twisting yourself into a pretzel to try to be a "good" friend and separate the friendship from her affair, by cutting out the lover. But OP, this is clearly eating at you; you're working way harder than anyone should have to, to keep being her friend; you know your kids know. And they are looking to you. Model for them that it is healthy and smart to look after one's own mental and emotional health and walk away from friendships where the friend has proven to have terrible judgement--not least, by choosing a lover who traumatized you in front of others. I get it, you say you aren't 100 percent sure, but come on, every post here you're indicating yes, you're sure.

And the "she might need you when it's over" thinking in some posts here sounds kind, but it turns you into the Good Friend she's supposed to keep around to lean on later. That's not a role you are obliged to take on. You certainly aren't obliged to hang around, for who knows how long, so you can "be there for her" at some unspecified time in the future. You have a life of your own to lead; why would you soft-pedal her cheating, which bothers you badly, just so you can be the comforting friend if her bad choices bite her? She wasn't upset with her lover when he traumatized you publicly--was she?