How do you deal with friends having affairs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lord. How'd you find out? Your kids know? How old are they?

teens. I am not going to say how, and TBH I do not have proof of sexual contact, just behavior and other friends hinting on it as if they suspected. It's another reason I am not confronting the friend as I cannot accuse anyone of cheating if I do not have undeniable proof. But the "lover" did/said something that revealed things to me and in a manner traumatic to me, and it's why I didn't want to be around this person.

You sound like you love the drama, honestly.

The opposite: I hate drama. I was dragged into it and it was dramatic, I didn't ask for it. I would rather be oblivious and keep on living my life as I do not have proof of actual cheating, just people insinuating. There were things done and said that made me believe rumors might be true, but I have no proof.
All I want if I could is for things go back to normal

[Anonymous]

It seems like majority of posts assume cheaters have perfect marriages and cheating has been proven or admitted to. People respond with their experiences where this was the case with some being more lenient. But this one isn't a clear cut case and some replies reflect it. Disclosure is needed. If the affair is proven and admitted to and/or if family dynamics are heading towards the divorce or it's one of the examples of an open marriage (they do happen), then morality equation is different. We don't know what we don't know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I ended a friendship because my friend was cheating repeatedly on her husband. She kept saying when the kids are out of the house, she would divorce and I held on. But when that didn't happen, I ended my friendship with her.

I have to be honest, part of the reason was jealousy for me because I am a divorced woman trying to find a good partner and it is very tough out there. Meanwhile, she gets all the benefits of being a wife and having an amazing love life on the side... not fair! And when I shared my dismay with her about my efforts, she would make me feel bad by stating how easy it was for her to find all these amazing guys or she would tell me that it was hopeless for me because there are no good guys out there.

Anyway, I am glad that I ended that friendship because it wasn't serving me.

DP. Wow. I'm so sorry, PP; she sounds like a terrible person. Not only for cheating and using the "I'll divorce, I'm waiting for the kids..." lie, but also for the highly contradictory and hypocritical crap she said to you. Yikes.

Trust me those guys would want nothing to go with her if she were single. They are massively using her for free sex and laugh about it with friends. Then if caught they will throw her under the bus immediately and if she tries to contact them say horribly awful things. But, seriously, what an awful friend to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would distance myself immediately and permanently. It’s a character issue.

Yep. Buh-bye I don’t need that trash in my life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems like majority of posts assume cheaters have perfect marriages and cheating has been proven or admitted to. People respond with their experiences where this was the case with some being more lenient. But this one isn't a clear cut case and some replies reflect it. Disclosure is needed. If the affair is proven and admitted to and/or if family dynamics are heading towards the divorce or it's one of the examples of an open marriage (they do happen), then morality equation is different. We don't know what we don't know.

Speaking of open marriages, it's possible my friend has this arrangement. The spouse travels for work and also has a friend that we met but isn't in our circle but in the spouse's professional circle.. Ugh. I am really reluctant to make assumptions, all I want is drama out of my life, why I cut off the "lover" because of douchy behavior.. Now I need to have a hard talk with the friend to come clean about my feelings. I don't care about morality here as much because their marriage is not all that perect and I don't know half of the things that go on. Some people like to share this aspect of their lives while others do not. I am rather conservative and never discuss personal intimate details with anyone, I don't insist my friends do. This doesn't mean I have poor moral character, I am just respecting other's personal space until it intrudes into mine..

[Anonymous]

I judge those who are so quick to ostracize others on information received. They can't possibly know the whole story.

But then DCUM is never a good place to get mature opinions on cheating. Apparently it's worse than mass murder. No one ever discusses other forms of spousal betrayal (financial, emotional neglect, various forms of abuse) that may all lead to actual physical cheating on the part of the victim. There may be arrangements between spouses you don't know about.

I don't judge and I try to keep an open mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I judge those who are so quick to ostracize others on information received. They can't possibly know the whole story.

But then DCUM is never a good place to get mature opinions on cheating. Apparently it's worse than mass murder. No one ever discusses other forms of spousal betrayal (financial, emotional neglect, various forms of abuse) that may all lead to actual physical cheating on the part of the victim. There may be arrangements between spouses you don't know about.

I don't judge and I try to keep an open mind.

Thank you, this is the same mind frame I am coming from. I don't judge the friend not knowing 100% what's going on, I do judge the "lover" because of things done/said that were traumatic for me and my kids. Hence this person is out of my circle. But my friend needs to know why and I need to discuss this or the toxic buildup will destroy the friendship anyway but in a more painful way.

[Anonymous]

i would drop them both

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I judge those who are so quick to ostracize others on information received. They can't possibly know the whole story.

But then DCUM is never a good place to get mature opinions on cheating. Apparently it's worse than mass murder. No one ever discusses other forms of spousal betrayal (financial, emotional neglect, various forms of abuse) that may all lead to actual physical cheating on the part of the victim. There may be arrangements between spouses you don't know about.

I don't judge and I try to keep an open mind.

Thank you, this is the same mind frame I am coming from. I don't judge the friend not knowing 100% what's going on, I do judge the "lover" because of things done/said that were traumatic for me and my kids. Hence this person is out of my circle. But my friend needs to know why and I need to discuss this or the toxic buildup will destroy the friendship anyway but in a more painful way.

Let's just say for the sake of the thought experiment. If you replace "lover" with a "spouse" and it's the spouse who does something hurtful to you, would you not have the same conversation?

[Anonymous]

I’d unfriend both and not deal with it. I have no interest in being friends with a cheater.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d unfriend both and not deal with it. I have no interest in being friends with a cheater.

morality judgement. how do you know husband isn't cheating?

[Anonymous]

Where is your spouse on all this OP? Does he know about the traumatic thing that the man did? Did he expose himself?

[Anonymous]

With any close friend, I would be able to say “listen, people are speculating that you are sleeping with X. You might want to dial back how much you interact with this person. And just so you know, X mooned me while wasted at the last party (or whatever he did), so you might want to consider whether you even want to be friends with X. I have no interest in interacting with X and he won’t be on any invite list I’m in charge of.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lord. How'd you find out? Your kids know? How old are they?

teens. I am not going to say how, and TBH I do not have proof of sexual contact, just behavior and other friends hinting on it as if they suspected. It's another reason I am not confronting the friend as I cannot accuse anyone of cheating if I do not have undeniable proof. But the "lover" did/said something that revealed things to me and in a manner traumatic to me, and it's why I didn't want to be around this person.

You sound like you love the drama, honestly.

The opposite: I hate drama. I was dragged into it and it was dramatic, I didn't ask for it. I would rather be oblivious and keep on living my life as I do not have proof of actual cheating, just people insinuating. There were things done and said that made me believe rumors might be true, but I have no proof.
All I want if I could is for things go back to normal

Uh… wut? You have zero proof. This whole thread is moot. People flirt, do things you might not, but that doesn’t mean they have cheated. You absolutely love drama because you made this thread when you have no proof. The answer is, get your own life so you don’t think about your friend’s so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's fine to opt out. They chose to create difficulty in the friend group and choices have consequences.

Since the kids know, the situation is likely unstable and will be volatile.

Thank you. I don't know where to take it. I had been acting like nothing had happened and I know nothing.. We had been hanging out and our kids are friends and also know.. I feel like it's burdening me. I just never brought it up to the friend. I deliberately avoided the contact with the "lover" since I found out.

Which kids know? Just yours or ALL of the kids? If the kids know then maybe it’s an open secret