How do you deal with friends having affairs?

[Anonymous]

If tut-tut my many affairs friend. She is now settled down in her 50s. I got my wild oats out in my 20s (just prior to marriage) and she never got the chance so made up for it later.
My neighbor I cut off. It was horrible.

[Anonymous]

Friend of a Friend: We found out her Mr. Perfect was married because the wife showed up at brunch and went ballistic. It was scary snd embarrassing. We’ve never been able to go back there again, which sucks. Mr. Perfect left the wife, but married someone else.

Mom of DD’s then best friend. She snuck out during a Mother-Daughter sleepover to hook up in my backyard with her ex (her DD’s dad) who was married to someone else. After they hooked up, he told her his wife was pregnant again. She woke me up at 1 AM to ask me to drive her to get a Plan B.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I try to stay out of it, operationally and logistically. I also do NOT judge. I know people who have deep emotional wounds and for whom that sort of cheating was a last resort, often in response to their spouse doing something equally wrong. So I do not automatically blame the visible cheater. Betrayals take many shapes and forms.

But DCUM usually knows only one form of betrayal and judges accordingly.

OP, you are not in their shoes. If I were you, I wouldn't take on this burden of judgement. You don't know what you don't know.

This is very wise. I suspect there are more things going on and why passing a judgement or disowning a close friend is not the way to go IMHO. What we see about other's private lives is a tip of an iceberg. But I feel a burden weighing me down and I need my friend to know why the "lover" is no longer invited and I and my teens don't want to be around this person. I felt wronged by the "lover" (it wasn't directed towards me, but it was ugly to witness) and concerned my teens witnessed it too, which caused tension in my own family.. I think the friend needs to know even though it may be hurtful and not pleasant..

I am debating if I have to suck it up and just ghost the "lover" and have the friend "figure it out", or come clean and say why..

Your job here is to make sure your children don’t get stuck carrying someone else’s secret. Everything else is noise.

NP. +1

OP, If your own teen kids know this, imagine the message it sends to them if they think you know and still are friends with your old friend who is cheating. I know DCUM will say, people "make mistakes" etc., but frankly, you cannot really separate a friend from the friend's behaviors, and her lover did something you found "traumatic" (your own term earlier) and did it in front of your own children. This is the person your old friend has chosen to cheat with, which reflects on your friend very, very badly, to me.

You've mentioned more than once that the lover "wronged" you and did something in an ugly way, and you also mentioned in the very first post that you have a lot on your plate right now, beyond this affair.

I think you're twisting yourself into a pretzel to try to be a "good" friend and separate the friendship from her affair, by cutting out the lover. But OP, this is clearly eating at you; you're working way harder than anyone should have to, to keep being her friend; you know your kids know. And they are looking to you. Model for them that it is healthy and smart to look after one's own mental and emotional health and walk away from friendships where the friend has proven to have terrible judgement--not least, by choosing a lover who traumatized you in front of others. I get it, you say you aren't 100 percent sure, but come on, every post here you're indicating yes, you're sure.

And the "she might need you when it's over" thinking in some posts here sounds kind, but it turns you into the Good Friend she's supposed to keep around to lean on later. That's not a role you are obliged to take on. You certainly aren't obliged to hang around, for who knows how long, so you can "be there for her" at some unspecified time in the future. You have a life of your own to lead; why would you soft-pedal her cheating, which bothers you badly, just so you can be the comforting friend if her bad choices bite her? She wasn't upset with her lover when he traumatized you publicly--was she?

The friend may not know about this, I haven't disclosed, but this is bothering me. Older kids in our circle of friends suspect the affair including their own older teens.. These aren't little kids. All our interaction since then had been rather neutral without mentioning anything, and nobody questioned why I am not extending invites to the "lover". It's either this is known in the circle and people are uncomfortable to talk about it, or it's my job to tell if I need to clarify things.

[Anonymous]

Those teens are feeling their chemistry— I’m sure it is palpable. Don’t lie to your kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tap OUT

+1. Do your kids know but her kids don’t know? I would definitely separate from that family. That’s too much for your kids to hold.

Their oldest kids know, our older teens hang out together. Their kids knew before mine, mine really started talking about it after I had the traumatic situation with the "lover" which they witnessed. I don't think I want to separate the kids who grew up together because of this nonsense. Maybe I am the one who needs to suck it up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Those teens are feeling their chemistry— I’m sure it is palpable. Don’t lie to your kids

I can't, they are old enough to have their own opinions and also distance themselves. They don't want to distance from their friends, it's not their fault. It's adults screwing things up, and a sad adult like myself caught in the middle inadvertently and not handling this burden well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tap OUT

+1. Do your kids know but her kids don’t know? I would definitely separate from that family. That’s too much for your kids to hold.

Their oldest kids know, our older teens hang out together. Their kids knew before mine, mine really started talking about it after I had the traumatic situation with the "lover" which they witnessed. I don't think I want to separate the kids who grew up together because of this nonsense. Maybe I am the one who needs to suck it up?

That's the second time you've questioned whether you should just suck this up, OP. Come on, have a backbone and protect yourself here. You are clearly stressed about your kids, this jerk guy did something that deeply rattled you, and even if your friend doesn't know about what he did, again--she shows terrible judgement by being with someone who would do that at all, with or without her witnessing it.

You're now saying it's about not separating your kids from friends they've had for years. Well, you can separate from seeing the friend/mom entirely. If the kids are all older teens, they can get themselves together, or you can take your kids and hers to activities if they don't drive, etc. You can end any all-family get togethers or going to "circle of friends" group stuff. The kids can stay friends but you are not forced to stay friends with her. Stop second-guessing your apparently very strong gut reaction to her. You're upset but still putting everyone else ahead of your own gut needs here!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those teens are feeling their chemistry— I’m sure it is palpable. Don’t lie to your kids

I can't, they are old enough to have their own opinions and also distance themselves. They don't want to distance from their friends, it's not their fault. It's adults screwing things up, and a sad adult like myself caught in the middle inadvertently and not handling this burden well.

Why are you respoonsible for handling a burden here? The. Kids. Can. Get. Together. Under their own steam. They aren't little kids. Meanwhile you can stop being caught in the middle by removing this woman from your life. If this is a case of "But we're in a larger social group of families that do things together" etc. -- you are not too old to find new friends and break out of the social circle stuff. Yes, I'm the PP from above. I just am sorry to keep hearing you sound like you feel so trapped and have to keep the relationship. You really don't have to!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those teens are feeling their chemistry— I’m sure it is palpable. Don’t lie to your kids

I can't, they are old enough to have their own opinions and also distance themselves. They don't want to distance from their friends, it's not their fault. It's adults screwing things up, and a sad adult like myself caught in the middle inadvertently and not handling this burden well.

Why are you respoonsible for handling a burden here? The. Kids. Can. Get. Together. Under their own steam. They aren't little kids. Meanwhile you can stop being caught in the middle by removing this woman from your life. If this is a case of "But we're in a larger social group of families that do things together" etc. -- you are not too old to find new friends and break out of the social circle stuff. Yes, I'm the PP from above. I just am sorry to keep hearing you sound like you feel so trapped and have to keep the relationship. You really don't have to!

Sorry if I wasn't clear, it's not just about the kids, it's about me as well. I do not want to break the friendship that means so much to me, I just feel like my world is crushed. Especially if I have to break away from the entire circle my social life (whatever little I have) revolves around for years now. I have memories going back years, photos, trips together, going through difficult decisions together and it's just one of them, a challenge. I don't think that doing what you suggest to do will make me better psychologically. I think this will be something I will deeply regret. The "lover" may be a temporary thing and I already distanced my family from this person. Now I need to make sure my friend knows and makes a decision appropriately.

The future of their marriage or the affair shouldn't be my concern to control in any way. My burden is that my friend doesn't know about my feelings about the "lover" and why. And this is what needs addressing. If something happens and divorce is in the picture and the "lover" suddenly becomes a new spouse then it's possible that I will be the one dumped.. But in that case it will be my friend betraying me and I won't have regrets that our journey had ended.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a male and I found my best friend of 20 years, female, was cheating on her DH. I completely cut her out of my life. I didn’t even like her husband. It is trashy behavior and not the type of people I want to associate with,

I agree. Bad people will eventually do the same to you or contaminate your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Friend of a Friend: We found out her Mr. Perfect was married because the wife showed up at brunch and went ballistic. It was scary snd embarrassing. We’ve never been able to go back there again, which sucks. Mr. Perfect left the wife, but married someone else.

Mom of DD’s then best friend. She snuck out during a Mother-Daughter sleepover to hook up in my backyard with her ex (her DD’s dad) who was married to someone else. After they hooked up, he told her his wife was pregnant again. She woke me up at 1 AM to ask me to drive her to get a Plan B.

Wow #2 is one of the trashiest DCUM stories of all time.

[Anonymous]

My typical go-to behavior is non-confrontational so I would back away slowly from this friend. Don’t invite her into your home and avoid her at a bigger functions. You are unable to back away because you are placing her friendship and the “friend group” over your own moral code. If you are unsure of she is involved with this guy, confront her with your findings. She may lie to you, but she will know you are on to her. Why are you protecting her??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If tut-tut my many affairs friend. She is now settled down in her 50s. I got my wild oats out in my 20s (just prior to marriage) and she never got the chance so made up for it later.
My neighbor I cut off. It was horrible.

You can have a wild side without cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not stop being friends with a close friend because they cheated. I never cheated in my 20 year marriage, but people make mistakes.

Tripping on stick and landing on top of a D isn’t a mistake. It’s a conscious choice to be a pos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those teens are feeling their chemistry— I’m sure it is palpable. Don’t lie to your kids

I can't, they are old enough to have their own opinions and also distance themselves. They don't want to distance from their friends, it's not their fault. It's adults screwing things up, and a sad adult like myself caught in the middle inadvertently and not handling this burden well.

Why are you respoonsible for handling a burden here? The. Kids. Can. Get. Together. Under their own steam. They aren't little kids. Meanwhile you can stop being caught in the middle by removing this woman from your life. If this is a case of "But we're in a larger social group of families that do things together" etc. -- you are not too old to find new friends and break out of the social circle stuff. Yes, I'm the PP from above. I just am sorry to keep hearing you sound like you feel so trapped and have to keep the relationship. You really don't have to!

Sorry if I wasn't clear, it's not just about the kids, it's about me as well. I do not want to break the friendship that means so much to me, I just feel like my world is crushed. Especially if I have to break away from the entire circle my social life (whatever little I have) revolves around for years now. I have memories going back years, photos, trips together, going through difficult decisions together and it's just one of them, a challenge. I don't think that doing what you suggest to do will make me better psychologically. I think this will be something I will deeply regret. The "lover" may be a temporary thing and I already distanced my family from this person. Now I need to make sure my friend knows and makes a decision appropriately.

The future of their marriage or the affair shouldn't be my concern to control in any way. My burden is that my friend doesn't know about my feelings about the "lover" and why. And this is what needs addressing. If something happens and divorce is in the picture and the "lover" suddenly becomes a new spouse then it's possible that I will be the one dumped.. But in that case it will be my friend betraying me and I won't have regrets that our journey had ended.

You seem to be trying awfully hard with a person of poor moral character. Have some decency.